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R. Linda:
Following Christmas, me wife has these superstitions that can drive a man to drink. Like we MUST have the tree down by the 12 day after Christmas, but it usually be the day after New Years, if not New Years itself. Mistletoe can stay up only upon New Years Day and then must be thrown in the fire for luck. New Years Eve be always an occasion. We ring bells at the front door with said door open wide to welcome the new year and the night chill, and we open the back door to usher out the old year and let more night chill in at that end of the house. This last ritual, be one me very own mam does, only with more fanfare. And unlike at home in Newry, the neighbourhood here joins in this annual event. As we be ringing our bells, and shouting out 'Happy New Year', you can hear me neighbours doing the same. It can be quite a bit of racket and much like the Walton's 'goodnight Jim-Bob' and Billy-Bob and all the Walton Bobs. I think every year I be going to catch me death of cold from all the shouting through the woods. Then there be the running to the back of the house to throw open the back door and kick out the old year with a 'Be gone and good riddance!' and, the 'be gone' and all has to be done quickly for whatever reason. This be all Tonya's doing, I be not a superstitious man, but apparently you in the States and me mam back home are. I be not even sure where that idea came from but let me catch you up on how I spent the night before New Years Eve.
For an outside Christmas decoration, we had a rather large electric snowman gracing the front stoop. Me wife has her own superstition that he can't be lit after Christmas day, but I had him on me outdoor light system that automatically comes on at dusk. Well, the wife was none too happy to see him night after night out there illuminating the front of our abode. Several times she told me to go unplug him and several times I found meself doing something other than that. She got on me that the next day (the day before New Years Eve), he better be turned off or she'd go out and take an axe to him and then to me. So the afternoon before New Years Eve I went outside to unplug him.
It came to be the night before New Years Eve, and Tonya was cleaning out the fridge to make room for New Years Eve food she would be making the next day, when she noticed we had some eggnog left over. She asked me to "fix it up" which means put some rum in it. This, I started to do when I noticed we were at the last bit of rum, and so not to put the bottle back in the cabinet with merely a drop left, I decided what the hey, I'll pour it all into the eggnog. As you can imagine it was some very fine eggnog after that.
I poured us both glasses, put a dash of nutmeg on top and went into the living room to await Ton. She was putting the child to bed and reading him a story. There was a lot of nog left, so I decided I could partake a few glasses while she was otherwise occupied. This I did bringing the number of small punch glasses to a total of six. I could hear her winding it up with the prayers before sleep and a kiss to follow. I sighed feeling very much a contented man, like the squire sitting back enjoying his manse and nog, knowing the little woman would appear at any minute.
Oh life be grand I thought to meself, when out of the corner of me eye, reflected in the window is the snowman all lit up and glowing. I almost spilled me refreshed punch glass of nog in animated shock and surprise. What? I know I unplugged that stupid thing. I turned to look out the window and I could see him stuck in the snow not turned on! Bloody what? How could that be? I sat back down and waited for me pounding heart to still when I went to take a sip of the nog to calm me nerves, and again out of the side of me eye is Mr. Snowman all aglow!
I jumped up and looked out the window and there was no glow outside. Then I saw it, the glow of a malicious Mr. Snowman all right -- in the glass reflection of me front window! I slowly turned round to see the mini version on the shelf across the room all lit up with that snowman sneer of a smile on it's face. Stupid me had forgot we had a mini version that was still turned on inside! Oh my God quick I thought, I must turn that one off too before Tonya sees it.
In a tearing rage at the mini snowman, I put the glass down and walked with menace towards it's glowing, sneering face. I'll fix you, I thought with satisfaction, scare me will you! I went to unplug him with a vengeance only to find me arm was dead. Yes, dead, it didn't work! It flopped around at me side like dead weight. I was like WHAT, WHAT? Me left arm had fallen asleep on the sofa as I drank meself into a slight oblivion waiting for the wife to come in. Unfortunately, there I was in a state of anger at the sneering snowman, panic at me arm not working, when Tonya walked in to see me flailing around like I was having some kind of seizure, the lit snowman cradled in me good arm, the cord flying around from snowman to outlet as me useless are flopped in me effort to grab the cord and unplug. But it didn't look that way to her, it looked like I was doing something dementedly dirty to the snowman. She stood there her mouth wide open in utter shock, but it hadn't registered that I had a LIT snowman. Okay it wasn't the one outside, but still this one was supposed to be dark too!
"What the hell are you doing Gabe? What's the matter with you? Are you drunk mister? Okay that's it you're cut off!"
All that came out of her mouth as she stood in the middle of the room, hands on hips berating me with gusto. She even went over to me glass took a swig and then turned around her face furious.
"How many of these did you have?" She demanded in near swoon from the taste of the strong alcohol.
I told her as I was still trying to get the damn snowman unplugged because I didn't want her to notice he was full on and have her get upset with me, because she's so damn superstitious and anal over this sort of thing, and then blame for years of bad luck to come. Finally, I hugged him to me and with all the force I could, I turned pulling the plug out of the wall and me dead arm flew up hitting me full on the jaw and knocking me out. Yes, I knocked me own self out and fell to the floor with the snowman under me. It was not pretty I be sure, but there she left me. I came too as she stomped passed me, muttering something about drunken Irishmen, then the slamming of the bedroom door announcing her unhappiness with yours truly. Then I passed out from the alcohol, 100 proof bye the by.
Gabe
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Following Christmas, me wife has these superstitions that can drive a man to drink. Like we MUST have the tree down by the 12 day after Christmas, but it usually be the day after New Years, if not New Years itself. Mistletoe can stay up only upon New Years Day and then must be thrown in the fire for luck. New Years Eve be always an occasion. We ring bells at the front door with said door open wide to welcome the new year and the night chill, and we open the back door to usher out the old year and let more night chill in at that end of the house. This last ritual, be one me very own mam does, only with more fanfare. And unlike at home in Newry, the neighbourhood here joins in this annual event. As we be ringing our bells, and shouting out 'Happy New Year', you can hear me neighbours doing the same. It can be quite a bit of racket and much like the Walton's 'goodnight Jim-Bob' and Billy-Bob and all the Walton Bobs. I think every year I be going to catch me death of cold from all the shouting through the woods. Then there be the running to the back of the house to throw open the back door and kick out the old year with a 'Be gone and good riddance!' and, the 'be gone' and all has to be done quickly for whatever reason. This be all Tonya's doing, I be not a superstitious man, but apparently you in the States and me mam back home are. I be not even sure where that idea came from but let me catch you up on how I spent the night before New Years Eve.
For an outside Christmas decoration, we had a rather large electric snowman gracing the front stoop. Me wife has her own superstition that he can't be lit after Christmas day, but I had him on me outdoor light system that automatically comes on at dusk. Well, the wife was none too happy to see him night after night out there illuminating the front of our abode. Several times she told me to go unplug him and several times I found meself doing something other than that. She got on me that the next day (the day before New Years Eve), he better be turned off or she'd go out and take an axe to him and then to me. So the afternoon before New Years Eve I went outside to unplug him.
It came to be the night before New Years Eve, and Tonya was cleaning out the fridge to make room for New Years Eve food she would be making the next day, when she noticed we had some eggnog left over. She asked me to "fix it up" which means put some rum in it. This, I started to do when I noticed we were at the last bit of rum, and so not to put the bottle back in the cabinet with merely a drop left, I decided what the hey, I'll pour it all into the eggnog. As you can imagine it was some very fine eggnog after that.
I poured us both glasses, put a dash of nutmeg on top and went into the living room to await Ton. She was putting the child to bed and reading him a story. There was a lot of nog left, so I decided I could partake a few glasses while she was otherwise occupied. This I did bringing the number of small punch glasses to a total of six. I could hear her winding it up with the prayers before sleep and a kiss to follow. I sighed feeling very much a contented man, like the squire sitting back enjoying his manse and nog, knowing the little woman would appear at any minute.
Oh life be grand I thought to meself, when out of the corner of me eye, reflected in the window is the snowman all lit up and glowing. I almost spilled me refreshed punch glass of nog in animated shock and surprise. What? I know I unplugged that stupid thing. I turned to look out the window and I could see him stuck in the snow not turned on! Bloody what? How could that be? I sat back down and waited for me pounding heart to still when I went to take a sip of the nog to calm me nerves, and again out of the side of me eye is Mr. Snowman all aglow!
I jumped up and looked out the window and there was no glow outside. Then I saw it, the glow of a malicious Mr. Snowman all right -- in the glass reflection of me front window! I slowly turned round to see the mini version on the shelf across the room all lit up with that snowman sneer of a smile on it's face. Stupid me had forgot we had a mini version that was still turned on inside! Oh my God quick I thought, I must turn that one off too before Tonya sees it.
In a tearing rage at the mini snowman, I put the glass down and walked with menace towards it's glowing, sneering face. I'll fix you, I thought with satisfaction, scare me will you! I went to unplug him with a vengeance only to find me arm was dead. Yes, dead, it didn't work! It flopped around at me side like dead weight. I was like WHAT, WHAT? Me left arm had fallen asleep on the sofa as I drank meself into a slight oblivion waiting for the wife to come in. Unfortunately, there I was in a state of anger at the sneering snowman, panic at me arm not working, when Tonya walked in to see me flailing around like I was having some kind of seizure, the lit snowman cradled in me good arm, the cord flying around from snowman to outlet as me useless are flopped in me effort to grab the cord and unplug. But it didn't look that way to her, it looked like I was doing something dementedly dirty to the snowman. She stood there her mouth wide open in utter shock, but it hadn't registered that I had a LIT snowman. Okay it wasn't the one outside, but still this one was supposed to be dark too!
"What the hell are you doing Gabe? What's the matter with you? Are you drunk mister? Okay that's it you're cut off!"
All that came out of her mouth as she stood in the middle of the room, hands on hips berating me with gusto. She even went over to me glass took a swig and then turned around her face furious.
"How many of these did you have?" She demanded in near swoon from the taste of the strong alcohol.
I told her as I was still trying to get the damn snowman unplugged because I didn't want her to notice he was full on and have her get upset with me, because she's so damn superstitious and anal over this sort of thing, and then blame for years of bad luck to come. Finally, I hugged him to me and with all the force I could, I turned pulling the plug out of the wall and me dead arm flew up hitting me full on the jaw and knocking me out. Yes, I knocked me own self out and fell to the floor with the snowman under me. It was not pretty I be sure, but there she left me. I came too as she stomped passed me, muttering something about drunken Irishmen, then the slamming of the bedroom door announcing her unhappiness with yours truly. Then I passed out from the alcohol, 100 proof bye the by.
Gabe
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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