261
R. Linda:
With a new baby in the house there is precious little his knackered parents can do but maybe look at a flick on the telly between feedings and nappy changes. I was on me way out to the general store which has a small video section and asked Tonya what she might like to see. She be a fan of the actress Anne Hathaway and said if they had Rachel Getting Married, would I pick that up. Oh goody a chick flick and surprise, surprise, they had it.
Later I tell Tonya her video is here and as I unpacked the rest of the groceries, she asked the loaded and dreaded question all husband's cringe to hear, "Gabe,do you think I'm fat?"
I stopped in me tracks, frozen corn in one hand, the other clutching the freezer door handle. UH OH.
"You just had a baby Tonya," I muttered.
"That means YOU think I'm fat."
I opened the freezer and the blast of cold air numbed me brain. I put the corn inside, slowly shut the door and turned around. Her eyes were all teary and it was because of what I said, the insinuation she was fat. OH MY GOD! I went over to her and tried to reassure her, but the damage was done. And in fact, she had lost almost all of the baby weight shy 8 pounds.
"I want you to drive me down to Jenny Craig," she sobbed.
"But Tonya, you only have a few pounds to shed, you're doing wonderfully, you don't need a full blown out diet plan."
"Yes, I do. We're going, I'll call them now, I need to shed more than 8 pounds Gabriel, FIFTEEN!"
And off she went leaving me gobsmacked and wanting to kick meself for being so stupid. The correct answer was, "No, you aren't in the least fat, as a matter of course, I was thinking you were a tad too skinny." But me mind wasn't quick enough.
She came back baby and Airport in tow, her pocketbook, nappy bag, bottle bag, change of baby clothes bag, all slung over one shoulder, baby in traveling car seat in the other, Airport at attention at her side, jacket on, big sunny smile and then there was me, thinking how ridiculous this was, but seeing her face there was nothing I could come up with that would change her mind.
I sighed, got me keys and out we went to what was to become the most annoying day of me life in a long time.
We pulled up to Jenny's place and there is this huge poster of Valerie Bertenelli in a blue bikini. Well, there was no place to look that didn't draw the eyes. Right away, Tonya starts whining, "You think she looks good and I'm fat don't you?"
I wasn't about to make the same mistake twice and so I turned the motor off and said, "No, I was thinking you fill out a bikini better than whatshername up there." I thought I said the right thing, but NOOO, what Tonya heard was, "No, I was thinking your are a lot fatter in a bathing dress than she is." Oi, oi, oi!
So in we go and this shark comes out from behind the wall someplace with her hand stretched out like a spider after a juicy fly.
"Hi my name is Paula Laura. You must be Tonya, I'm so excited to see you, are you excited about getting started with Jenny?"
Oh boy, oh boy. Most Paula's I know are incapable of quick speech usually. Paula Abdul being a perfect example of a Paula, but this one, oh no, no trouble with words and the Laura? Was that her last name? I was thinking tropical names like Lu Lonnie, Puka Lalo, I dunno, Paula Laura, samething to me. Anyway, she was yaking a mile a minute about "exciting" this, and "exciting" that, and I was just so unexcited by all of it. She says, "Pardon my running on and talking too fast, I'm from New York City could ya tell?" Well, I be from Newry, Northern Ireland and yeah I could tell. Maybe it was the gum chewing that gave it away? So she hustles us into a cubicle that we felt like sardines, no elbow room, hardly a place to sit down, a kid on Tonya's lap and one on mine. Paula Laura whips out all this literature and takes Tonya back to be weighed and then she says she'll put Tonya on a 1700 calorie diet and she'll feel healthy as she sheds all that weight. Yup, and there is me wife eyes glistening at the sound of "all that weight" and I be biting me tongue because she turned to me and under her breath as Paula Laura runs off for a menu, "See, you're such a liar, even Paula Laura thinks I'm fat."
Well, R. Linda, there was nothing to be said to that. I was damned one way or the other, so I looked offended, it was the only thing I could do. Paula Laura came back with the menu and ripped the 1700 calorie diet page off a large pad and sits with us pointing out each meal.
"You start off with our exciting cranberry almond cereal and you have a glass of skim milk, one cup of fruit (your choice), and 1/2 cup of diet yogurt. Isn't this exciting?"
No, no, it sounds totally unappealing to me, but obviously not to Tonya who was nodding eagerly.
"The program works, you buy Jenny's cuisine until you have lost the 15 pounds, your goal weight, then you only buy some meals as you begin to supplement your diet with groceries you buy and this maintenance will continue until you are totally off Jenny's cuisine, and you are buying the right foods and eating them in the correct portions on your own. Now aren't you excited to get started Gabe and Tonya?"
We nodded, me not so vigourously because no way, no how was I excited.
"Now Gabe, you're going to support your wife by not eating foods she can't have and tempting her, right?"
"Well, of course, I'll support her." I stumbled not expecting to be brought into the conversation.
"I believe with your support Tonya will drop the pounds quickly and that always helps with a husband who is on the same foods as she is."
Uh oh, I saw where this was going. I started shaking me head no, but got a swift kick in me shin from the wife.
"So here it is Tonya, you get 20% off the $350.00 you get another . . . "
I didn't hear what the percentage was after Tonya reached her goal weight, I heard very little after that because $350.00 was more than I could afford. But I was brought back to reality in virtual seconds when I heard my name mentioned with a price tag attached.
"And if Gabe decides to do this with you, he is charged only $150.00 with 50% off when he reaches his goal weight and then . . . "
As I opened me mouth to protest, me wife says that's fine, where do we sign? I did manage to speak up and say if I go on a diet I'd disappear, but Paula Laura had an answer for THAT.
"Oh Gabe, you're too funny. No, what you will achieve is supporting your wife by basically eating the same foods, only you'll get a little more because your calorie intake will be higher and you will look and feel healthy, now isn't that an exciting reward?"
Like I didn't look healthy and fit now? I was told to give over the baby to Tonya so I could go back and be weighed. I was fuming and the more I protested the more emotional the wife was becoming and if there is one thing I can't abide it is a woman in tears, especially the one I be married to. So back I went, got weighed, got measured, got told how exciting this was. Was I excited she asks again, well, not in a good way I wanted to say, but no, no, I wanted the weeping wife happy, so I nodded all the time thinking I would be skinnier along with me wallet as we all ended up as the thinest people in the poor house . . . soon.
So we are given two bags of food each, one frozen, the other pantry stuff. I be handing over me hard earned cash for two diet plans neither of us need, and all the while I be hearing from the whole staff at Jenny Craig how EXCITED we must be and how EXCITED they are for us. Well, they should be, they just lifted $500.00 out of me cheque book for membership and another $250.00 in Jenny food!
Come to find when we get home, that yours truly is expected to empty the fridge and pantry of all the food except baby food, and find a home for it. THEN, I be to go to the general store and buy whatever else we need to supplement the diet. I was like WHAT? So, $175.00 and 24 hours later, I be sitting there eating cardboard cereal, drinking skim milk (I detest skim milk), taking a horse vitamin from the diet plan, eating grapefruit with no honey on it, and having a cup of coffee with dietary creamer in it. YUCK.
That was two days ago. The wife has dropped two pounds, me five. I didn't tell her that because I don't want her to think this is a competition. So with nothing to munch on, therefore, nothing to do, I got the chickie flick and last night we sat down to watch it.
"My mother said this movie is awful," Tonya offers up as I be waiting for the thing to load.
"Then why are we watching it?" I asked.
"Because I didn't know that until after you got it."
I mumbled something about her mother and clicked on the movie. Now we have seen The Wrestler, and thought it was senseless and we swore no more bloody indy flicks for a long time. This one started with Sundance and Canne's film previews. Artsy Indy films. I knew it, I turned to Tonya and said, "It's a freaking indy film!" We watched Rachel Gets Married until it's end like two idiots. You'd think we had paid to see it. Fifteen minutes in, I couldn't take it anymore and said I had seen enough I was going to the kitchen for a yogurt (yeah sad when you're on a diet and can't go for a piece of cheesecake or something like that). The yogurt was so unappealing I decided to go back. maybe the flick would pick up. I sat there thinking this has to start making sense soon. Well, it never did. I turned to Tonya and said, "I bet you need a drink," and she looked at me said, "Yeah a scotch straight up would help," and I said, "Too bad, have a bottle of water you're on a diet!" I was hopping mad, I was being forced to eat weeks of cardboard and watery soups, and drink skim milk. I couldn't even see a decent flick. The worst part of it was they were constantly eating in the film and there we two "excited" dieters were drooling.
I said, "Your mother didn't like that movie?" And she said, "Yeah she told me not to bother, but you had already got it so I thought it was the least I could do to keep you company." I said, "Gee that was big of you Tonya." I didn't realise what I said. Tonya turned to me in tears and said, "You think I'm BIG." I wanted to dance around tearing me hair out of me skinny head. It took me two hours of cajoling to get her to come around, BUT I found out why she thinks she's fat. Her MOTHER said, "Oh Tonya, you just have to lose that belly flab and you'll be back to your old self in no time." This said after Tonya complained she felt depressed she had to stay inside so much. It was nothing more than an oft hand remark on Tonya's part, but her mother was as guilty of the same thing I was, giving her a half truth and of course Tonya ran with it the other way.
So here I be, looking out at me hammock swinging in the breeze, dreaming of sipping iced tea with loads of sugar in it, and munching on lemon cooler cookies, looking up at the sky, not a care in the world. Well, all that's changed. Thank you dragon-in-law!
Gabe
Footnote: Tonya has achieved her goal in less time than we thought it would take. She lost a total of 20 pounds and is on maintenance after only three months of Jenny. ME, I lost 12 pounds that I can ill afford to lose in only two and half weeks. I be on maintenance too, but I am eating anything I can get me hands on to FATTEN UP. Jenny really works I'll give them that, the food, once you get used to low sugar and salt intake is really quite good. The secret is in the portions.
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
With a new baby in the house there is precious little his knackered parents can do but maybe look at a flick on the telly between feedings and nappy changes. I was on me way out to the general store which has a small video section and asked Tonya what she might like to see. She be a fan of the actress Anne Hathaway and said if they had Rachel Getting Married, would I pick that up. Oh goody a chick flick and surprise, surprise, they had it.
Later I tell Tonya her video is here and as I unpacked the rest of the groceries, she asked the loaded and dreaded question all husband's cringe to hear, "Gabe,do you think I'm fat?"
I stopped in me tracks, frozen corn in one hand, the other clutching the freezer door handle. UH OH.
"You just had a baby Tonya," I muttered.
"That means YOU think I'm fat."
I opened the freezer and the blast of cold air numbed me brain. I put the corn inside, slowly shut the door and turned around. Her eyes were all teary and it was because of what I said, the insinuation she was fat. OH MY GOD! I went over to her and tried to reassure her, but the damage was done. And in fact, she had lost almost all of the baby weight shy 8 pounds.
"I want you to drive me down to Jenny Craig," she sobbed.
"But Tonya, you only have a few pounds to shed, you're doing wonderfully, you don't need a full blown out diet plan."
"Yes, I do. We're going, I'll call them now, I need to shed more than 8 pounds Gabriel, FIFTEEN!"
And off she went leaving me gobsmacked and wanting to kick meself for being so stupid. The correct answer was, "No, you aren't in the least fat, as a matter of course, I was thinking you were a tad too skinny." But me mind wasn't quick enough.
She came back baby and Airport in tow, her pocketbook, nappy bag, bottle bag, change of baby clothes bag, all slung over one shoulder, baby in traveling car seat in the other, Airport at attention at her side, jacket on, big sunny smile and then there was me, thinking how ridiculous this was, but seeing her face there was nothing I could come up with that would change her mind.
I sighed, got me keys and out we went to what was to become the most annoying day of me life in a long time.
We pulled up to Jenny's place and there is this huge poster of Valerie Bertenelli in a blue bikini. Well, there was no place to look that didn't draw the eyes. Right away, Tonya starts whining, "You think she looks good and I'm fat don't you?"
I wasn't about to make the same mistake twice and so I turned the motor off and said, "No, I was thinking you fill out a bikini better than whatshername up there." I thought I said the right thing, but NOOO, what Tonya heard was, "No, I was thinking your are a lot fatter in a bathing dress than she is." Oi, oi, oi!
So in we go and this shark comes out from behind the wall someplace with her hand stretched out like a spider after a juicy fly.
"Hi my name is Paula Laura. You must be Tonya, I'm so excited to see you, are you excited about getting started with Jenny?"
Oh boy, oh boy. Most Paula's I know are incapable of quick speech usually. Paula Abdul being a perfect example of a Paula, but this one, oh no, no trouble with words and the Laura? Was that her last name? I was thinking tropical names like Lu Lonnie, Puka Lalo, I dunno, Paula Laura, samething to me. Anyway, she was yaking a mile a minute about "exciting" this, and "exciting" that, and I was just so unexcited by all of it. She says, "Pardon my running on and talking too fast, I'm from New York City could ya tell?" Well, I be from Newry, Northern Ireland and yeah I could tell. Maybe it was the gum chewing that gave it away? So she hustles us into a cubicle that we felt like sardines, no elbow room, hardly a place to sit down, a kid on Tonya's lap and one on mine. Paula Laura whips out all this literature and takes Tonya back to be weighed and then she says she'll put Tonya on a 1700 calorie diet and she'll feel healthy as she sheds all that weight. Yup, and there is me wife eyes glistening at the sound of "all that weight" and I be biting me tongue because she turned to me and under her breath as Paula Laura runs off for a menu, "See, you're such a liar, even Paula Laura thinks I'm fat."
Well, R. Linda, there was nothing to be said to that. I was damned one way or the other, so I looked offended, it was the only thing I could do. Paula Laura came back with the menu and ripped the 1700 calorie diet page off a large pad and sits with us pointing out each meal.
"You start off with our exciting cranberry almond cereal and you have a glass of skim milk, one cup of fruit (your choice), and 1/2 cup of diet yogurt. Isn't this exciting?"
No, no, it sounds totally unappealing to me, but obviously not to Tonya who was nodding eagerly.
"The program works, you buy Jenny's cuisine until you have lost the 15 pounds, your goal weight, then you only buy some meals as you begin to supplement your diet with groceries you buy and this maintenance will continue until you are totally off Jenny's cuisine, and you are buying the right foods and eating them in the correct portions on your own. Now aren't you excited to get started Gabe and Tonya?"
We nodded, me not so vigourously because no way, no how was I excited.
"Now Gabe, you're going to support your wife by not eating foods she can't have and tempting her, right?"
"Well, of course, I'll support her." I stumbled not expecting to be brought into the conversation.
"I believe with your support Tonya will drop the pounds quickly and that always helps with a husband who is on the same foods as she is."
Uh oh, I saw where this was going. I started shaking me head no, but got a swift kick in me shin from the wife.
"So here it is Tonya, you get 20% off the $350.00 you get another . . . "
I didn't hear what the percentage was after Tonya reached her goal weight, I heard very little after that because $350.00 was more than I could afford. But I was brought back to reality in virtual seconds when I heard my name mentioned with a price tag attached.
"And if Gabe decides to do this with you, he is charged only $150.00 with 50% off when he reaches his goal weight and then . . . "
As I opened me mouth to protest, me wife says that's fine, where do we sign? I did manage to speak up and say if I go on a diet I'd disappear, but Paula Laura had an answer for THAT.
"Oh Gabe, you're too funny. No, what you will achieve is supporting your wife by basically eating the same foods, only you'll get a little more because your calorie intake will be higher and you will look and feel healthy, now isn't that an exciting reward?"
Like I didn't look healthy and fit now? I was told to give over the baby to Tonya so I could go back and be weighed. I was fuming and the more I protested the more emotional the wife was becoming and if there is one thing I can't abide it is a woman in tears, especially the one I be married to. So back I went, got weighed, got measured, got told how exciting this was. Was I excited she asks again, well, not in a good way I wanted to say, but no, no, I wanted the weeping wife happy, so I nodded all the time thinking I would be skinnier along with me wallet as we all ended up as the thinest people in the poor house . . . soon.
So we are given two bags of food each, one frozen, the other pantry stuff. I be handing over me hard earned cash for two diet plans neither of us need, and all the while I be hearing from the whole staff at Jenny Craig how EXCITED we must be and how EXCITED they are for us. Well, they should be, they just lifted $500.00 out of me cheque book for membership and another $250.00 in Jenny food!
Come to find when we get home, that yours truly is expected to empty the fridge and pantry of all the food except baby food, and find a home for it. THEN, I be to go to the general store and buy whatever else we need to supplement the diet. I was like WHAT? So, $175.00 and 24 hours later, I be sitting there eating cardboard cereal, drinking skim milk (I detest skim milk), taking a horse vitamin from the diet plan, eating grapefruit with no honey on it, and having a cup of coffee with dietary creamer in it. YUCK.
That was two days ago. The wife has dropped two pounds, me five. I didn't tell her that because I don't want her to think this is a competition. So with nothing to munch on, therefore, nothing to do, I got the chickie flick and last night we sat down to watch it.
"My mother said this movie is awful," Tonya offers up as I be waiting for the thing to load.
"Then why are we watching it?" I asked.
"Because I didn't know that until after you got it."
I mumbled something about her mother and clicked on the movie. Now we have seen The Wrestler, and thought it was senseless and we swore no more bloody indy flicks for a long time. This one started with Sundance and Canne's film previews. Artsy Indy films. I knew it, I turned to Tonya and said, "It's a freaking indy film!" We watched Rachel Gets Married until it's end like two idiots. You'd think we had paid to see it. Fifteen minutes in, I couldn't take it anymore and said I had seen enough I was going to the kitchen for a yogurt (yeah sad when you're on a diet and can't go for a piece of cheesecake or something like that). The yogurt was so unappealing I decided to go back. maybe the flick would pick up. I sat there thinking this has to start making sense soon. Well, it never did. I turned to Tonya and said, "I bet you need a drink," and she looked at me said, "Yeah a scotch straight up would help," and I said, "Too bad, have a bottle of water you're on a diet!" I was hopping mad, I was being forced to eat weeks of cardboard and watery soups, and drink skim milk. I couldn't even see a decent flick. The worst part of it was they were constantly eating in the film and there we two "excited" dieters were drooling.
I said, "Your mother didn't like that movie?" And she said, "Yeah she told me not to bother, but you had already got it so I thought it was the least I could do to keep you company." I said, "Gee that was big of you Tonya." I didn't realise what I said. Tonya turned to me in tears and said, "You think I'm BIG." I wanted to dance around tearing me hair out of me skinny head. It took me two hours of cajoling to get her to come around, BUT I found out why she thinks she's fat. Her MOTHER said, "Oh Tonya, you just have to lose that belly flab and you'll be back to your old self in no time." This said after Tonya complained she felt depressed she had to stay inside so much. It was nothing more than an oft hand remark on Tonya's part, but her mother was as guilty of the same thing I was, giving her a half truth and of course Tonya ran with it the other way.
So here I be, looking out at me hammock swinging in the breeze, dreaming of sipping iced tea with loads of sugar in it, and munching on lemon cooler cookies, looking up at the sky, not a care in the world. Well, all that's changed. Thank you dragon-in-law!
Gabe
Footnote: Tonya has achieved her goal in less time than we thought it would take. She lost a total of 20 pounds and is on maintenance after only three months of Jenny. ME, I lost 12 pounds that I can ill afford to lose in only two and half weeks. I be on maintenance too, but I am eating anything I can get me hands on to FATTEN UP. Jenny really works I'll give them that, the food, once you get used to low sugar and salt intake is really quite good. The secret is in the portions.
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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