271
R. Linda:
All right with a little arm twisting I'll tell you about me theatre role as Van Helsing. Then we will never mention it again. Several years after the Shakespeare role, during me college years, I was on break. Me sissy's best friend had got a job with the local theatre two towns over. It seems they were ready to rehearse the play Dracula, but their Van Helsing had dropped out and one of the other auditioners couldn't take the role because they had taken another elsewhere. What to do? Well, we know what happened, me scheming sister decided her brother should do it. The thinking here was to bolster Angela McCregen's reputation around the theatre by finding a replacement actor. Yes, how nice for Angela McCregen, how not so nice for yours truly.
When I was first pitched this idea I shook me head, no never. I be not into vampires, dark castles, blood and all that goes with it. No -- was the word, end of story, I said.
"Aw but Gabe, is Angela we are troyin' ta help now, certainly ye want ta see her succeed ya do." Me sissy Sheila half pleaded with me.
No, I didn't really care if she did or not. I never liked Angela McCregen, she was a toothy girl with large glasses, was bossy as all get out, and she had a terrible crush on me back in the day, and I, for one, did not want to relive that. I was doing just fine for meself when me Mam chimed in.
"Sil tell Angela that Gabriel will be happy ta do it. Hush Gabriel, not a word now. Ye owe yer sister fer a good turn ye do. 'Ere she went and got yer dry cleanin' and saved yersel a trip."
"Ma, yer kidding me roight? Pickin' me dry cleanin' up? Really? How about me pickin' up the husband she forgot she had the other night when she were out with the girls? Remember that? Him waitin' on her at the trains, and her havin' a bloody good toim drinkin' it up loike it were the last toim out?" I whined, yes I WHINED.
Does that logic make any sense to you? Sheila picked up me dry cleaning, therefore, I owed her more than a pound of me flesh suddenly. Where does that come from?
Me Mam tsked at me, yes she did. A loud single TSK, so I knew it was done. I was doomed to play a theatre role AGAIN and not like it AGAIN. Oh she reminded me of all the fun and jokes during the one and only play I did as an adult of sorts, and yes, I remembered that BUT those were all me classmates, I knew each and everyone. Then I had a thought.
"I'll do it under the same conditions I did the last one. Da has to be in it too."
"Yer fatha will never agree ta that." Mam said looking at me cross. "Poor man hasn't recovered from the last time, he being considered the town alcoholic, for St. Bridget's sake ye can't do that again ta him."
OH but it was fine to do it to me! As I threw me arms up in defeat me old man was tiptoeing out of the lounge with the newspaper. I could have called attention to his making himself scarce, but I had pity on him. Now if only someone would pity poor me.
So I dragged meself to the theatre after me sister called Angela and gave her the "wonderful news" and I did this protesting loudly to any and all family members who were within earshot, but it got me nowhere, they acted deaf as door mites (is it door mite? What the heck is a door mite? I must be losing me mind I think I made that up), so off I carried meself.
The cast was made up of an interestingly devoted group of theatre fanatics. I was the only one who didn't give a shite, they on the other hand were "method actors." THIS label should come with a warning, a method actor is one of those people who precariously throw themselves into a role like it was REAL. They call to the fore memories of terrible things to juice themselves up into the role they are playing and basically live it through the character they are playing onstage and sometimes, yes sometimes OFF as well. Dangerous bunch. I have the scars to prove it. So this little story of mine is not so much on local theatre as it is on medical treatment for unnecessary injuries to an innocent person who just happened to be cast in a play with a bunch of crazies.
So here goes. Because I was late coming in, and because I had a temporary night job making fish and chips at a local Chippy's, I couldn't make all the rehearsals. But they had no choice if they wanted me and the job was over by the time production rolled around. I missed a lot of blocking and such, so I had no idea about where things were and what everyone else was doing (including meself) but when I was on for me lines and such I pretty much rolled with it. As we went along I got more of a feel for where I was to be when I wasn't saying lines, and got me blocking and lines down by the time we were to open. I never made a proper run thru and I will tell anyone in local theatre who really likes doing theatre, but has a time problem, MAKE TIME or like me, suffer injury for it.
Opening night I entered via the backstage to find a man who was playing a servant banging his head against the back wall. I said, "Evening Seamus," and kept on going as he answered but continued to bang his head.
I saw the actress that was playing the part of Lucy and indicated over me shoulder what was THAT about and she told me that Seamus believed in self torturing himself to play a lowly servant and that is how he went about it. OK, shades of Dobby from Harry Potter went through me mind, gees.
I walked passed her to hang up me things and sitting on a piano bench shaking, her legs swinging a mile a minute was the actress playing Mina. I smiled me hello and she held her script up to me and said to hush please, she needed to keep her lines fresh in her head, she'd be on first. OK. So I left to change into me Van Helsing outfit. I almost, well not almost, I did run right up into Dracula, who had been standing with his black self not facing us, so with his black hair and long black cape, himself being 6'8" in the black backstage area, I didn't see him. I thought I broke me nose. He turned around and hissed at me and I near fell back in fright, he had FANGS, the man had real FANGS! Later, I found out a dentist made them special for him. He was feeling the part he was, much to me chagrin. He leaned over me like he was going to bite me neck. That shook me up he did, all dark and stuff.
I got changed along with the actor playing Renfield who unlike the Mina actress did decide to talk to me, but he spoke in character. Renfield was a spider eating crazy man and so was this guy. He had a jar of small house spiders and he regaled me with how he had captured them and then proceeded to pop them one by one in his mouth, saying all the while, "Master, I didn't do it, I am your slave . . . " Yup time for me to leave, these people were a lot scarier than the characters they were playing.
Now on rehearsals we had a pyrotechnics person. Well, not a professional one, someone who liked to play with electrical devices and fire. You get the picture. Well, seems in the very first appearance of Dracula, the fireplace is burning merrily along when suddenly there is a flash in the fire and the lights go out and as the fire settles and the gels come up a wee bit, there is our main character standing in the middle of the room. Yes, great effect, and I was never there for it, but heard rumblings about it not coming off well at all. Seems in rehearsals there would be a small poof and it certainly wasn't the spectacular fire hiccup needed. I heard the "technic person" say not to worry he'd have it by opening. And he did. I was standing next to the burning contained fire when there was more than a flash, there was an explosion and embers came shooting out to which me pant cuffs caught fire.
What the hell to do when you have a surprised audience, a more surprised cast, all awaiting the big appearance of Drac and there I be burning to death. Well, does one mutter an oops and walk off stage, or does one, for the good of the show must go on and all that rot, make like all is well and continue on in burning trousers and all? Well, lucky for me, the quick thinking Jonathan Harker actor took a throw off the couch of our make believe lounge, and threw it over me feet smothering the flames so I just sort of stood there smoldering.
Speaking of flashes since we are on the subject, Renfield soon thereafter, came running in looking for his master when all hell is to break loose with the cast trying to get away from him, and Dracula standing there looking down at him stroking his head like a good dog, well, the Jonathan Harker character goes to take a flash picture of the two in his quest to prove that Dracula is not capable of reflection on film, when the 1950s flash bulb goes off in me face, literally felt like it burnt out me retinas. I couldn't see a freaking thing and then the lights went out as Dracula goes nutters over THAT and Renfield comes after me with a fire poker, a REAL one. T he lights go out for Dracula to make his exit and they come on low once he's off, so the audience can see what is taking place in a supposedly dark room, but Renfield who in normal life wears glasses, is of course not wearing them for the performance (this way he can't see the audience at all and so his theatre nerves are non existent as a result), is to come after me, Van Helsing, but I was so blinded by the flash bulb I didn't move quick enough and Renfield caught me a good one with the iron poker across me shins bringing me down. BUT it didn't end there, he kept whacking at me downed legs because he couldn't see a thing. He thought he was hitting the couch legs. So now I had not only swollen nose, was blind and burnt, but crippled!
I wish I could say that was the end of me misfortunes, but it WASN'T! Somehow I managed to get to me feet, the lights came up as Mina lit candles and I had some lines to say. I don't know how I got them out without the word 'ouch' being in-between each word. Harker had subdued Renfield and exited stage left, leaving me with the trembling Mina. You don't know the joy of feeling intense pain with an actress who is "feeling her role" so deeply that her fingers were digging into me arm like claws and I wanted to wince with the pain, but tried not to forget me own lines during the "recital" of heart felt acting going on next to me.
Finally, after her lines, I got to sit on the couch as Harker came back in and he and I had a conversation. Now there was a water pipe above me, way up in the ceiling where the audience could not see. And as I was trying to banish the pain running through me body, I felt, drip, drip, drip. I glanced up and the pipe was full of condensation. The water was hitting me on the bridge of me swollen nose and for everyone looking at me, it looked like me nose was a running faucet. For a while there I thought I would drown. The other actor got up and as was in his blocking, he faces me, his back to the audience, and as he is saying his lines, he has the biggest grin on his face and his eyes are full of amusement, but when he turns away from me to the audience he looks to be in deep contemplation, he was all seriousness until each time he'd turn to me, making faces at me to break me character. I had to look away, it was that funny. I wanted to get up and punch him, but I couldn't break so I did me best to do a little method acting of me own and concentrated on the pain cruising through me. I was able to keep me focus until I crossed me legs and noticed me burnt pants. I had a hell of a time keeping it together it was all so ludicrous.
As I was looking at me burnt pants and uncrossing me legs hoping they weren't that noticeable (they were), and Harker was saying his lines, I felt something drop from the pipe and this time it wasn't water. Because I couldn't move and take focus off Harker, I had to sit there as if I was listening to him in character. Meanwhile I could feel a beetle (YES A BUG) go crawling between the buttons of me shirt inside against me bare skin. Did I want to jump up, did I want to shout? OH YEAH I DID. But somehow, I sat there grossed out as I felt the thing crawling along my side to me back. As soon as the lights went out, I was so out of there I fell over an end table and nearly broke me neck in me haste. I hit me head against a stage pillar as the fecking bug bit me, so I was thankful the lights were out and the audience couldn't see that. Once backstage I did start jumping around, ripping off me shirt and jacket. Harker knew what happened, he watched the bug go inside me shirt and yet he never broke his character or forgot his lines. He was trying to help me out of me clothes, me flaying about and Dracula came over asking, "What, what, what?" And Harker told him a big ugly bug climbed inside me shirt and the three of us were flinging me out of the shirt and there it was. Harker shook the shirt and the thing fell to the floor, Dracula with one quick heavy step of his size 16 shoes squashed the thing to a pulpy mess.
"Ugh," the Renfield actor had the nerve to utter. This from the man who was eating spiders only an hour before.
Mercifully, we were at intermission and I was able to go out the back door of the theatre and near scream me pain and bug excitement away. Then I went back and got meself ready for act 2 or more appropriately round 2.
Lucy, Harker, Mina, the servant and meself had to be back on stage for the opening of act 2. Because the lights were down, we had to make our way across stage holding hands in a line to get to our places. Mind you we were no longer in the lounge set, but in Lucy's bedroom. As the audience hushed, and we started our chain of shuffling into the new setting, you could hear, "Ow," boom, "Oh that hurt," bang, until we were finally in place and then with a cough from Harker (that was the light cue) the lights came up. So now I was black and blue from walking into heavy furniture and sporting an egg on me forehead where I had hit the theatre pillar, had a very itchy bite and a swollen nose.
Lucy was to get more and more agitated as time went on and I, as the doctor, had to restrain her. A wee bit of an aside on the actress playing Lucy. She was a meaty girl, but one hell of a good actress. Only problem was, she was also very strong and she had that overabundance of what people refer to as Irish hair, long, curly and abundant red stuff. I had to lean over her as if I was shoving her back in the bed to keep her from running out after our villain. This I had to do with near broken shins, burnt ankles, black and blue bruises everywhere imaginable, an egg on me head, bug juiced and bitten, half drowned, swollen nose and burnt out retinas. Not easy when one is that incapacitated, trying to accomplish such from a standing, leaning position. SHE had no trouble pushing me back and in her struggling her hands got tangled in her hair which had wound around me arm. This struggle which should have lasted not more than a minute went on and on for what to me at least, seemed like hours. I couldn't get free of the hair and it was wrapped tightly around me arm as she tried to free herself.
Under her breath she was cursing her hair and then me for not helping. Well, I was trying to free meself from it, but the more she moved the more it wound around me wrists until I felt me circulation cutting off and couldn't feel me hands at all! Harker told me later if he had scissors as handy as he did the throw he would have stepped in and cut her hair off me. So I remained tied to her for the entire act 2. I had to stand next to the seemingly sleeping Lucy like I was afraid she'd rise up and I had to hold her down. It was so stupid and me hands were turning an intriguing shade of purple. The lights went down and carefully, the two of us exited to backstage where we were untangled, but now I had absolutely NO feeling in me hands and arms.
Luckily, I didn't have to be first onstage for the beginning of the last act. I sat there shaking me hands out while the Harker actor sat next to me singing, "If I had a pair of scissors, I'd be cutting in the morning, I'd be cutting in the evening, all over this landdd . . . " Yeah real funny. Then he suddenly stopped, looked at me and said, "SO I know where he's hiding. I just got it."
I looked around, like who was hiding? Drac was onstage delivering his lines to Mina, so just WHO did he mean?
"I was playing this game and I couldn't understand why this guy was killing me off all the time. I didn't know how he knew where I was and I couldn't see him. He was up in the corner, it just dawned on me. I need to go sign on me computer and blast his arse."
WHAT? I wanted to say, WHO ARE YOU? Definitely, whoever he was, he was insane. This was obviously some online game he was playing on the Internet. Long obsolete by now, but then WHO KNEW? And why would I care?
Finally, it was back on stage for me, to put the stake in Dracula's heart. Harker and I approached the coffin, we said our lines, and when he handed me the stake, it felt like it weighed 50 pounds. I placed the it on the side of the coffin but to the audience they thought I had it on Dracula's chest. Then he handed me the hammer, I almost went backwards with the weight of it in me numbed hand. Both hands felt like boneless rubber appendages that were totally useless for me big scene where Van Helsing brings down that hammer on the stake and Dracula's hands down on the side of the coffin, press a button and the red dyed corn syrup blood packet laying under his shirt explodes as if Van Helsing had pierced his heart. Yes, pyro man was in on this too, so do I have to tell you what happened? Yeah I will anyway, I almost missed the stake, so numb was me arm, but me miss was covered up when a huge explosion of fake blood caboodled all over us, the stage, and the surprised first row of the audience!
It was enough blood to fill an elephant. I stood there with Harker trying to get me last lines out, literally covered and dripping. Dracula was in the coffin laughing his fool arse off and Harker was doubled over behind the thing so the audience couldn't see him having fits of laughter, as yours truly tried desperately to deliver me last and closing lines with a straight face. It was the hardest, most painful process I have ever had to live through and THAT my dear R. Linda, is WHY I don't do theatre anymore.
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
All right with a little arm twisting I'll tell you about me theatre role as Van Helsing. Then we will never mention it again. Several years after the Shakespeare role, during me college years, I was on break. Me sissy's best friend had got a job with the local theatre two towns over. It seems they were ready to rehearse the play Dracula, but their Van Helsing had dropped out and one of the other auditioners couldn't take the role because they had taken another elsewhere. What to do? Well, we know what happened, me scheming sister decided her brother should do it. The thinking here was to bolster Angela McCregen's reputation around the theatre by finding a replacement actor. Yes, how nice for Angela McCregen, how not so nice for yours truly.
When I was first pitched this idea I shook me head, no never. I be not into vampires, dark castles, blood and all that goes with it. No -- was the word, end of story, I said.
"Aw but Gabe, is Angela we are troyin' ta help now, certainly ye want ta see her succeed ya do." Me sissy Sheila half pleaded with me.
No, I didn't really care if she did or not. I never liked Angela McCregen, she was a toothy girl with large glasses, was bossy as all get out, and she had a terrible crush on me back in the day, and I, for one, did not want to relive that. I was doing just fine for meself when me Mam chimed in.
"Sil tell Angela that Gabriel will be happy ta do it. Hush Gabriel, not a word now. Ye owe yer sister fer a good turn ye do. 'Ere she went and got yer dry cleanin' and saved yersel a trip."
"Ma, yer kidding me roight? Pickin' me dry cleanin' up? Really? How about me pickin' up the husband she forgot she had the other night when she were out with the girls? Remember that? Him waitin' on her at the trains, and her havin' a bloody good toim drinkin' it up loike it were the last toim out?" I whined, yes I WHINED.
Does that logic make any sense to you? Sheila picked up me dry cleaning, therefore, I owed her more than a pound of me flesh suddenly. Where does that come from?
Me Mam tsked at me, yes she did. A loud single TSK, so I knew it was done. I was doomed to play a theatre role AGAIN and not like it AGAIN. Oh she reminded me of all the fun and jokes during the one and only play I did as an adult of sorts, and yes, I remembered that BUT those were all me classmates, I knew each and everyone. Then I had a thought.
"I'll do it under the same conditions I did the last one. Da has to be in it too."
"Yer fatha will never agree ta that." Mam said looking at me cross. "Poor man hasn't recovered from the last time, he being considered the town alcoholic, for St. Bridget's sake ye can't do that again ta him."
OH but it was fine to do it to me! As I threw me arms up in defeat me old man was tiptoeing out of the lounge with the newspaper. I could have called attention to his making himself scarce, but I had pity on him. Now if only someone would pity poor me.
So I dragged meself to the theatre after me sister called Angela and gave her the "wonderful news" and I did this protesting loudly to any and all family members who were within earshot, but it got me nowhere, they acted deaf as door mites (is it door mite? What the heck is a door mite? I must be losing me mind I think I made that up), so off I carried meself.
The cast was made up of an interestingly devoted group of theatre fanatics. I was the only one who didn't give a shite, they on the other hand were "method actors." THIS label should come with a warning, a method actor is one of those people who precariously throw themselves into a role like it was REAL. They call to the fore memories of terrible things to juice themselves up into the role they are playing and basically live it through the character they are playing onstage and sometimes, yes sometimes OFF as well. Dangerous bunch. I have the scars to prove it. So this little story of mine is not so much on local theatre as it is on medical treatment for unnecessary injuries to an innocent person who just happened to be cast in a play with a bunch of crazies.
So here goes. Because I was late coming in, and because I had a temporary night job making fish and chips at a local Chippy's, I couldn't make all the rehearsals. But they had no choice if they wanted me and the job was over by the time production rolled around. I missed a lot of blocking and such, so I had no idea about where things were and what everyone else was doing (including meself) but when I was on for me lines and such I pretty much rolled with it. As we went along I got more of a feel for where I was to be when I wasn't saying lines, and got me blocking and lines down by the time we were to open. I never made a proper run thru and I will tell anyone in local theatre who really likes doing theatre, but has a time problem, MAKE TIME or like me, suffer injury for it.
Opening night I entered via the backstage to find a man who was playing a servant banging his head against the back wall. I said, "Evening Seamus," and kept on going as he answered but continued to bang his head.
I saw the actress that was playing the part of Lucy and indicated over me shoulder what was THAT about and she told me that Seamus believed in self torturing himself to play a lowly servant and that is how he went about it. OK, shades of Dobby from Harry Potter went through me mind, gees.
I walked passed her to hang up me things and sitting on a piano bench shaking, her legs swinging a mile a minute was the actress playing Mina. I smiled me hello and she held her script up to me and said to hush please, she needed to keep her lines fresh in her head, she'd be on first. OK. So I left to change into me Van Helsing outfit. I almost, well not almost, I did run right up into Dracula, who had been standing with his black self not facing us, so with his black hair and long black cape, himself being 6'8" in the black backstage area, I didn't see him. I thought I broke me nose. He turned around and hissed at me and I near fell back in fright, he had FANGS, the man had real FANGS! Later, I found out a dentist made them special for him. He was feeling the part he was, much to me chagrin. He leaned over me like he was going to bite me neck. That shook me up he did, all dark and stuff.
I got changed along with the actor playing Renfield who unlike the Mina actress did decide to talk to me, but he spoke in character. Renfield was a spider eating crazy man and so was this guy. He had a jar of small house spiders and he regaled me with how he had captured them and then proceeded to pop them one by one in his mouth, saying all the while, "Master, I didn't do it, I am your slave . . . " Yup time for me to leave, these people were a lot scarier than the characters they were playing.
Now on rehearsals we had a pyrotechnics person. Well, not a professional one, someone who liked to play with electrical devices and fire. You get the picture. Well, seems in the very first appearance of Dracula, the fireplace is burning merrily along when suddenly there is a flash in the fire and the lights go out and as the fire settles and the gels come up a wee bit, there is our main character standing in the middle of the room. Yes, great effect, and I was never there for it, but heard rumblings about it not coming off well at all. Seems in rehearsals there would be a small poof and it certainly wasn't the spectacular fire hiccup needed. I heard the "technic person" say not to worry he'd have it by opening. And he did. I was standing next to the burning contained fire when there was more than a flash, there was an explosion and embers came shooting out to which me pant cuffs caught fire.
What the hell to do when you have a surprised audience, a more surprised cast, all awaiting the big appearance of Drac and there I be burning to death. Well, does one mutter an oops and walk off stage, or does one, for the good of the show must go on and all that rot, make like all is well and continue on in burning trousers and all? Well, lucky for me, the quick thinking Jonathan Harker actor took a throw off the couch of our make believe lounge, and threw it over me feet smothering the flames so I just sort of stood there smoldering.
Speaking of flashes since we are on the subject, Renfield soon thereafter, came running in looking for his master when all hell is to break loose with the cast trying to get away from him, and Dracula standing there looking down at him stroking his head like a good dog, well, the Jonathan Harker character goes to take a flash picture of the two in his quest to prove that Dracula is not capable of reflection on film, when the 1950s flash bulb goes off in me face, literally felt like it burnt out me retinas. I couldn't see a freaking thing and then the lights went out as Dracula goes nutters over THAT and Renfield comes after me with a fire poker, a REAL one. T he lights go out for Dracula to make his exit and they come on low once he's off, so the audience can see what is taking place in a supposedly dark room, but Renfield who in normal life wears glasses, is of course not wearing them for the performance (this way he can't see the audience at all and so his theatre nerves are non existent as a result), is to come after me, Van Helsing, but I was so blinded by the flash bulb I didn't move quick enough and Renfield caught me a good one with the iron poker across me shins bringing me down. BUT it didn't end there, he kept whacking at me downed legs because he couldn't see a thing. He thought he was hitting the couch legs. So now I had not only swollen nose, was blind and burnt, but crippled!
I wish I could say that was the end of me misfortunes, but it WASN'T! Somehow I managed to get to me feet, the lights came up as Mina lit candles and I had some lines to say. I don't know how I got them out without the word 'ouch' being in-between each word. Harker had subdued Renfield and exited stage left, leaving me with the trembling Mina. You don't know the joy of feeling intense pain with an actress who is "feeling her role" so deeply that her fingers were digging into me arm like claws and I wanted to wince with the pain, but tried not to forget me own lines during the "recital" of heart felt acting going on next to me.
Finally, after her lines, I got to sit on the couch as Harker came back in and he and I had a conversation. Now there was a water pipe above me, way up in the ceiling where the audience could not see. And as I was trying to banish the pain running through me body, I felt, drip, drip, drip. I glanced up and the pipe was full of condensation. The water was hitting me on the bridge of me swollen nose and for everyone looking at me, it looked like me nose was a running faucet. For a while there I thought I would drown. The other actor got up and as was in his blocking, he faces me, his back to the audience, and as he is saying his lines, he has the biggest grin on his face and his eyes are full of amusement, but when he turns away from me to the audience he looks to be in deep contemplation, he was all seriousness until each time he'd turn to me, making faces at me to break me character. I had to look away, it was that funny. I wanted to get up and punch him, but I couldn't break so I did me best to do a little method acting of me own and concentrated on the pain cruising through me. I was able to keep me focus until I crossed me legs and noticed me burnt pants. I had a hell of a time keeping it together it was all so ludicrous.
As I was looking at me burnt pants and uncrossing me legs hoping they weren't that noticeable (they were), and Harker was saying his lines, I felt something drop from the pipe and this time it wasn't water. Because I couldn't move and take focus off Harker, I had to sit there as if I was listening to him in character. Meanwhile I could feel a beetle (YES A BUG) go crawling between the buttons of me shirt inside against me bare skin. Did I want to jump up, did I want to shout? OH YEAH I DID. But somehow, I sat there grossed out as I felt the thing crawling along my side to me back. As soon as the lights went out, I was so out of there I fell over an end table and nearly broke me neck in me haste. I hit me head against a stage pillar as the fecking bug bit me, so I was thankful the lights were out and the audience couldn't see that. Once backstage I did start jumping around, ripping off me shirt and jacket. Harker knew what happened, he watched the bug go inside me shirt and yet he never broke his character or forgot his lines. He was trying to help me out of me clothes, me flaying about and Dracula came over asking, "What, what, what?" And Harker told him a big ugly bug climbed inside me shirt and the three of us were flinging me out of the shirt and there it was. Harker shook the shirt and the thing fell to the floor, Dracula with one quick heavy step of his size 16 shoes squashed the thing to a pulpy mess.
"Ugh," the Renfield actor had the nerve to utter. This from the man who was eating spiders only an hour before.
Mercifully, we were at intermission and I was able to go out the back door of the theatre and near scream me pain and bug excitement away. Then I went back and got meself ready for act 2 or more appropriately round 2.
Lucy, Harker, Mina, the servant and meself had to be back on stage for the opening of act 2. Because the lights were down, we had to make our way across stage holding hands in a line to get to our places. Mind you we were no longer in the lounge set, but in Lucy's bedroom. As the audience hushed, and we started our chain of shuffling into the new setting, you could hear, "Ow," boom, "Oh that hurt," bang, until we were finally in place and then with a cough from Harker (that was the light cue) the lights came up. So now I was black and blue from walking into heavy furniture and sporting an egg on me forehead where I had hit the theatre pillar, had a very itchy bite and a swollen nose.
Lucy was to get more and more agitated as time went on and I, as the doctor, had to restrain her. A wee bit of an aside on the actress playing Lucy. She was a meaty girl, but one hell of a good actress. Only problem was, she was also very strong and she had that overabundance of what people refer to as Irish hair, long, curly and abundant red stuff. I had to lean over her as if I was shoving her back in the bed to keep her from running out after our villain. This I had to do with near broken shins, burnt ankles, black and blue bruises everywhere imaginable, an egg on me head, bug juiced and bitten, half drowned, swollen nose and burnt out retinas. Not easy when one is that incapacitated, trying to accomplish such from a standing, leaning position. SHE had no trouble pushing me back and in her struggling her hands got tangled in her hair which had wound around me arm. This struggle which should have lasted not more than a minute went on and on for what to me at least, seemed like hours. I couldn't get free of the hair and it was wrapped tightly around me arm as she tried to free herself.
Under her breath she was cursing her hair and then me for not helping. Well, I was trying to free meself from it, but the more she moved the more it wound around me wrists until I felt me circulation cutting off and couldn't feel me hands at all! Harker told me later if he had scissors as handy as he did the throw he would have stepped in and cut her hair off me. So I remained tied to her for the entire act 2. I had to stand next to the seemingly sleeping Lucy like I was afraid she'd rise up and I had to hold her down. It was so stupid and me hands were turning an intriguing shade of purple. The lights went down and carefully, the two of us exited to backstage where we were untangled, but now I had absolutely NO feeling in me hands and arms.
Luckily, I didn't have to be first onstage for the beginning of the last act. I sat there shaking me hands out while the Harker actor sat next to me singing, "If I had a pair of scissors, I'd be cutting in the morning, I'd be cutting in the evening, all over this landdd . . . " Yeah real funny. Then he suddenly stopped, looked at me and said, "SO I know where he's hiding. I just got it."
I looked around, like who was hiding? Drac was onstage delivering his lines to Mina, so just WHO did he mean?
"I was playing this game and I couldn't understand why this guy was killing me off all the time. I didn't know how he knew where I was and I couldn't see him. He was up in the corner, it just dawned on me. I need to go sign on me computer and blast his arse."
WHAT? I wanted to say, WHO ARE YOU? Definitely, whoever he was, he was insane. This was obviously some online game he was playing on the Internet. Long obsolete by now, but then WHO KNEW? And why would I care?
Finally, it was back on stage for me, to put the stake in Dracula's heart. Harker and I approached the coffin, we said our lines, and when he handed me the stake, it felt like it weighed 50 pounds. I placed the it on the side of the coffin but to the audience they thought I had it on Dracula's chest. Then he handed me the hammer, I almost went backwards with the weight of it in me numbed hand. Both hands felt like boneless rubber appendages that were totally useless for me big scene where Van Helsing brings down that hammer on the stake and Dracula's hands down on the side of the coffin, press a button and the red dyed corn syrup blood packet laying under his shirt explodes as if Van Helsing had pierced his heart. Yes, pyro man was in on this too, so do I have to tell you what happened? Yeah I will anyway, I almost missed the stake, so numb was me arm, but me miss was covered up when a huge explosion of fake blood caboodled all over us, the stage, and the surprised first row of the audience!
It was enough blood to fill an elephant. I stood there with Harker trying to get me last lines out, literally covered and dripping. Dracula was in the coffin laughing his fool arse off and Harker was doubled over behind the thing so the audience couldn't see him having fits of laughter, as yours truly tried desperately to deliver me last and closing lines with a straight face. It was the hardest, most painful process I have ever had to live through and THAT my dear R. Linda, is WHY I don't do theatre anymore.
Gabe
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