30 August 2007
202
R. Linda:
It came to pass in the era of old ways slowly dying out, the Steward crown trampled into the dust by the English kings, that a new modern and less royal future awaited all. Many of the Lairds of the high mountains and dark moors of Scotland decreed to their subjects a handing over of the scared trust to those younger Lairds of the great clans, who would better see a new era with better judgement and with the hopes that these same young chieftains would once again bring the stone and crown back to sit among the Scottish heather and thistle once and for all.
In the case of the great MacNasty clan, Laird Adrian (as he was called) summoned two of his household to carry to his successor the fabled silver ring of the Grand MacNasty. Unfortunately for Laird Adrian, these two servants were not of the educated class but fancied themselves puffed up with importance upon learning they were entrusted to transport the symbol of MacNasty sovereignty to Laird Adrian's esteemed successor, the Earl of MacNasty.
The reason they were chosen? Simple enough, on Laird Adrian's mind, no one would suspect two dimwits to be carrying anything of value in their travels.
It came to pass that the two hand-picked servants found themselves on their way into the woods, where they were waylaid by a monkey who rather fancied himself above all because he had the power of speech and not just any speech, his English was impeccable (or so he thought anyway). He had perched himself in a tree, and as the two men approached, he called down to them. Of course, they both knew the sound was from above them and immediately bumped into each other as they looked about. Exasperated, the monkey took a butternut from a branch by his side and threw it at one of the baffled men.
Shouting out with a loud expletive, the man looked up to see the monkey. He pointed at it speechless, and his friend's eyes followed the finger, and another expletive came forth of surprise at seeing a monkey, let alone one that could talk.
"'Ere ye two bunglers, ye see me up 'ere dae ye?" The monkey asked with disdain.
"Oi, we do," said one of the men. "'Ere wot are ye doing tossin' nuts at our 'eads, ey?"
"Gettin' yer stupid selves attention that's wot," the monkey laughed at them. "So, now that I hae yer attentions, young gents, I wad a word or two wie yer fine selves."
"Wot?" Asked the one hit in the head. He rubbed the back of his noggin, not only in hurt but bafflement, as it finally dawned on at least one of them that the creature had the power of speech.
The monkey, being sly and smarter than the two lackeys, had watched their approach and saw the one fingering a small red piece of cloth he had tied to his belt. The way the man covered it with his hand now as he looked up at the monkey made the monkey think that whatever was inside the red cloth was of some value. He smiled widely at the men.
"I hae a thought, I weel grant ye three wishes if ye answer me correctly if ye dae not, then ye hae to give up whit is of value ta yerselves. No matter whit, once ye make the deal ye canna break it."
The two dimwits were easily amused by games and so took the monkey up on his word without a thought in their empty heads. The monkey stood on the tree branch and bowed to the men below.
"I be Farquhar Farquharson, the ex-counsellor to Prince Charles of Wales; ye know him, dae ye?"
The two scratched their heads as they were not men of the world and had no clue there even was a Prince Charles, let alone a place called Wales. But alas, they did recognise the monkey's moniker, for there was legend associated with the name it gave. Farquhar Farquharson was renowned throughout Scotland as the Haggis Hunt's Chief Ghille. Had the man mated with a monkey and this thing his prodigy?
"All roight, never ye mind. There are three questions of the realm, and if one can tell the answers correctly, they are granted three wishes. I weel ask ye those questions, and if ye miss all three, then ye hae to give me the most valuable article on yer person."
"Uh, sounds fair," one dimwit said to the other, who nodded in agreement.
"Question one: Wot daes bonny Prince Charlie look like? Think carefully now laddies."
The two men looked at each other, scratching their chins. After some whispered discussion, the man with the red cloth tied to his belt said, "Muckle and hairy with a nice turn of leg."
"Agh, yer wrong on that one, he be clean shaven and ugly. Looks like a horse he does."
"Oh," said the other one, filled with disappointment. "Can we try again, dae ye think?"
"Just sae the word laddies. All roight, then, question two: When is hunting season for the renowned ain tasty haggis coomb aroon? Take yer time, laddies. I know these questions take some thought on yer parts." And the monkey snickered.
The two dimwits scratched their stomachs and, in low voices, discussed their answer. Finally, one of them straightened himself up and, with a puffed-out chest, answered proudly, "Why that be easy."
"If it were easy, why did it take yerselves so long?" The monkey asked. When the two of them put their heads together to answer that question, the monkey mocked them and demanded an answer to his haggis question.
"Let's see that wad be . . . " the one answering winked at his partner, "that wad be October when the leaves are fallin' off the trees in tha wads."
"Wrong. Dae ye even know wot a haggis is?" The monkey asked. At the lack of a response, he muttered, "Apparently not."
"All roight then, monkey, when is proper hunting of a haggis?"
"Yer canna hunt a haggis, ya daft fool."
"And why not?"
The monkey sighed, "Because it don't hae any legs, ya bloody fool!"
"Oh Jakers! It don't? Then ow do it move aboot?" One of the men asked.
The monkey rolled its eyes then started laughing, "It rolls down the hills it does, don't need legs ta do that un."
The men smiled, relieved, and patted each other on the back.
"Why ya doin' that yer damn fools, ya dinna answer the question correctly."
Both men stopped smiling thinking about what the monkey said.
"Ask yer last question, monkey. We'll get this next one we weel."
"Ye think?" The monkey leered. "All roight ye dimwitted twits, ere' is question three: Ow much whiskey daes a bear consume when he coombs oot of his winter rest?"
There was a long pause and an oh shite look on both men's faces. Then they put their heads together and came up with this gem of an answer, "Vast amounts ta mask his winter stink so he kin capture a rollin' haggis because," he took a big breath here, "because a haggis is lured by the smell of whiskey and wadn't easily coomb rollin' into a bears den if it could smell the gnarly animal."
The monkey sat silent in disbelief at what he just heard.
"We won a wish, dinna we monkey?"
"Nae, nae," the monkey mumbled, "ye must know bears canna drink whiskey an wad rather catch salmon when they awaken. They be hungry, not thirsty ye stupid areses."
The two men thought about this and realised why, yes, the monkey was right.
The monkey sat on the thick tree limb, contemplating the two dim-witted individuals below.
"Pay up yer dim-whitted ghillies," the monkey sneered, "I'll take whit yer hae there in that red piece of cloth yer tryin' ta hide."
The man froze, and the other looked startled.
"I dae yereself to coomb down ain fetch it," the man with the cloth bag challenged.
"We dinna hae any red cloth," the other idiot said after the fact.
"Ah, by ye do," the monkey taunted, "ye dinna wad me to coomb on down there now, dina ya? Fair and honest now, ya puddins'."
"Could we try once more?"
"Nah, me wee bit o' patience is endin' its time. Give it over." The monkey held out his hand.
With extreme reluctance, and a deal being a deal, the man untied the cloth bag and, with one throw, threw the ring up into the monkey's waiting hand.
"Good doin' business wee ye," the monkey smiled greedily.
Just then, a tree limb from above came crashing down as the wind picked up in the upper branches. It landed atop the monkey's noggin, and with a whap sound, it knocked all sense from the monkey. The creature stood unsteadily, the ring still balanced in its open palm. It looked blurry-eyed at the shiny object, not recognising it was a precious ring. It sat slowly on its hunches and, in an unsteady motion, popped the ring into its mouth. When no pleasure of taste came forth, the creature swallowed. This was a terrible thing, yes, swallowing the ring, for the lead in the metal was more than an eight-pound monkey could tolerate. The lead entered the bloodstream, making the creature vilely ill. This did not go unnoticed by the two dim light bulbs below. They elbowed each other with a - look at that - gesture as they silently began to understand the ring was inside the monkey, and . . . retrievable.
R. Linda:
It came to pass in the era of old ways slowly dying out, the Steward crown trampled into the dust by the English kings, that a new modern and less royal future awaited all. Many of the Lairds of the high mountains and dark moors of Scotland decreed to their subjects a handing over of the scared trust to those younger Lairds of the great clans, who would better see a new era with better judgement and with the hopes that these same young chieftains would once again bring the stone and crown back to sit among the Scottish heather and thistle once and for all.
In the case of the great MacNasty clan, Laird Adrian (as he was called) summoned two of his household to carry to his successor the fabled silver ring of the Grand MacNasty. Unfortunately for Laird Adrian, these two servants were not of the educated class but fancied themselves puffed up with importance upon learning they were entrusted to transport the symbol of MacNasty sovereignty to Laird Adrian's esteemed successor, the Earl of MacNasty.
The reason they were chosen? Simple enough, on Laird Adrian's mind, no one would suspect two dimwits to be carrying anything of value in their travels.
It came to pass that the two hand-picked servants found themselves on their way into the woods, where they were waylaid by a monkey who rather fancied himself above all because he had the power of speech and not just any speech, his English was impeccable (or so he thought anyway). He had perched himself in a tree, and as the two men approached, he called down to them. Of course, they both knew the sound was from above them and immediately bumped into each other as they looked about. Exasperated, the monkey took a butternut from a branch by his side and threw it at one of the baffled men.
Shouting out with a loud expletive, the man looked up to see the monkey. He pointed at it speechless, and his friend's eyes followed the finger, and another expletive came forth of surprise at seeing a monkey, let alone one that could talk.
"'Ere ye two bunglers, ye see me up 'ere dae ye?" The monkey asked with disdain.
"Oi, we do," said one of the men. "'Ere wot are ye doing tossin' nuts at our 'eads, ey?"
"Gettin' yer stupid selves attention that's wot," the monkey laughed at them. "So, now that I hae yer attentions, young gents, I wad a word or two wie yer fine selves."
"Wot?" Asked the one hit in the head. He rubbed the back of his noggin, not only in hurt but bafflement, as it finally dawned on at least one of them that the creature had the power of speech.
The monkey, being sly and smarter than the two lackeys, had watched their approach and saw the one fingering a small red piece of cloth he had tied to his belt. The way the man covered it with his hand now as he looked up at the monkey made the monkey think that whatever was inside the red cloth was of some value. He smiled widely at the men.
"I hae a thought, I weel grant ye three wishes if ye answer me correctly if ye dae not, then ye hae to give up whit is of value ta yerselves. No matter whit, once ye make the deal ye canna break it."
The two dimwits were easily amused by games and so took the monkey up on his word without a thought in their empty heads. The monkey stood on the tree branch and bowed to the men below.
"I be Farquhar Farquharson, the ex-counsellor to Prince Charles of Wales; ye know him, dae ye?"
The two scratched their heads as they were not men of the world and had no clue there even was a Prince Charles, let alone a place called Wales. But alas, they did recognise the monkey's moniker, for there was legend associated with the name it gave. Farquhar Farquharson was renowned throughout Scotland as the Haggis Hunt's Chief Ghille. Had the man mated with a monkey and this thing his prodigy?
"All roight, never ye mind. There are three questions of the realm, and if one can tell the answers correctly, they are granted three wishes. I weel ask ye those questions, and if ye miss all three, then ye hae to give me the most valuable article on yer person."
"Uh, sounds fair," one dimwit said to the other, who nodded in agreement.
"Question one: Wot daes bonny Prince Charlie look like? Think carefully now laddies."
The two men looked at each other, scratching their chins. After some whispered discussion, the man with the red cloth tied to his belt said, "Muckle and hairy with a nice turn of leg."
"Agh, yer wrong on that one, he be clean shaven and ugly. Looks like a horse he does."
"Oh," said the other one, filled with disappointment. "Can we try again, dae ye think?"
"Just sae the word laddies. All roight, then, question two: When is hunting season for the renowned ain tasty haggis coomb aroon? Take yer time, laddies. I know these questions take some thought on yer parts." And the monkey snickered.
The two dimwits scratched their stomachs and, in low voices, discussed their answer. Finally, one of them straightened himself up and, with a puffed-out chest, answered proudly, "Why that be easy."
"If it were easy, why did it take yerselves so long?" The monkey asked. When the two of them put their heads together to answer that question, the monkey mocked them and demanded an answer to his haggis question.
"Let's see that wad be . . . " the one answering winked at his partner, "that wad be October when the leaves are fallin' off the trees in tha wads."
"Wrong. Dae ye even know wot a haggis is?" The monkey asked. At the lack of a response, he muttered, "Apparently not."
"All roight then, monkey, when is proper hunting of a haggis?"
"Yer canna hunt a haggis, ya daft fool."
"And why not?"
The monkey sighed, "Because it don't hae any legs, ya bloody fool!"
"Oh Jakers! It don't? Then ow do it move aboot?" One of the men asked.
The monkey rolled its eyes then started laughing, "It rolls down the hills it does, don't need legs ta do that un."
The men smiled, relieved, and patted each other on the back.
"Why ya doin' that yer damn fools, ya dinna answer the question correctly."
Both men stopped smiling thinking about what the monkey said.
"Ask yer last question, monkey. We'll get this next one we weel."
"Ye think?" The monkey leered. "All roight ye dimwitted twits, ere' is question three: Ow much whiskey daes a bear consume when he coombs oot of his winter rest?"
There was a long pause and an oh shite look on both men's faces. Then they put their heads together and came up with this gem of an answer, "Vast amounts ta mask his winter stink so he kin capture a rollin' haggis because," he took a big breath here, "because a haggis is lured by the smell of whiskey and wadn't easily coomb rollin' into a bears den if it could smell the gnarly animal."
The monkey sat silent in disbelief at what he just heard.
"We won a wish, dinna we monkey?"
"Nae, nae," the monkey mumbled, "ye must know bears canna drink whiskey an wad rather catch salmon when they awaken. They be hungry, not thirsty ye stupid areses."
The two men thought about this and realised why, yes, the monkey was right.
The monkey sat on the thick tree limb, contemplating the two dim-witted individuals below.
"Pay up yer dim-whitted ghillies," the monkey sneered, "I'll take whit yer hae there in that red piece of cloth yer tryin' ta hide."
The man froze, and the other looked startled.
"I dae yereself to coomb down ain fetch it," the man with the cloth bag challenged.
"We dinna hae any red cloth," the other idiot said after the fact.
"Ah, by ye do," the monkey taunted, "ye dinna wad me to coomb on down there now, dina ya? Fair and honest now, ya puddins'."
"Could we try once more?"
"Nah, me wee bit o' patience is endin' its time. Give it over." The monkey held out his hand.
With extreme reluctance, and a deal being a deal, the man untied the cloth bag and, with one throw, threw the ring up into the monkey's waiting hand.
"Good doin' business wee ye," the monkey smiled greedily.
Just then, a tree limb from above came crashing down as the wind picked up in the upper branches. It landed atop the monkey's noggin, and with a whap sound, it knocked all sense from the monkey. The creature stood unsteadily, the ring still balanced in its open palm. It looked blurry-eyed at the shiny object, not recognising it was a precious ring. It sat slowly on its hunches and, in an unsteady motion, popped the ring into its mouth. When no pleasure of taste came forth, the creature swallowed. This was a terrible thing, yes, swallowing the ring, for the lead in the metal was more than an eight-pound monkey could tolerate. The lead entered the bloodstream, making the creature vilely ill. This did not go unnoticed by the two dim light bulbs below. They elbowed each other with a - look at that - gesture as they silently began to understand the ring was inside the monkey, and . . . retrievable.
Gabe
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
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