Story #189
R. Linda:
Well, as it was, I was sitting around the house thinking of Paris Hilton (which means I had no thoughts in me head at all) when the wife made an appearance and ordered me to run to the store for her because she was up to her eyeballs in laundry.
Ok, I say, I'll be going to the store down the road. No, says she, you need to go to the big store on the highway. That would be one Bob's Big Deals, which I have set foot in once with Tonya, not by meself. It's so big I don't know me way around, and the list she hands me isn't small. I will be at this shopping stuff for days, maybe even weeks!
Tonya doesn't care. She told me to assume I was the hunter and had to hunt for food. That sounded appealing at first, but then I looked at the list. I don't know what Grey Poupon mustard is. I had never heard of Orville Redenbacher and his popcorn snacks. I don't know what a summer squash looks like or where they keep the Fabreze dual air freshener refills. In addition, I didn't realise the refills weren't those gel things anymore, but oils in bottles. How big are these things anyway?
I see it this way: If I can't march in, kill something, and drag it out, the trip has been unsuccessful.
Tonya told me I had no choice. It was that or laundry. I can't do that either. I don't remember how. I'm not brain dead; the washer and dryer that Tonya has is this newfangled contraption with settings for every heat temperature and fabric imaginable. That means I would have to sort through the wash and read the labels to find out if it can be dry cleaned (on the dry cleaning cycle), washed on the delicate cycle, or some other cycle equally mysterious to yours truly.
The carrot she dangled in front of this donkey was that I could pick up items, including "a whimsical purchase or two or twelve that are not on the list. As long as they aren't over $2.00 a piece." Could I learn to budget as well as hunt/shop? Oh, there was the challenge. I was game, and so I took her list, got me chequebook, and out I went.
Now I will admit I be a sucker for a good bargain. But I get frustrated when I can't find the usual staples Tonya buys every week. As I passed by the first aisle, I saw a sign for Charmin Toilet Tissue, which was $54.00 for 48 rolls. I stuck nearly the whole shelf load in me cart and the bottom rails. Then I saw there was Kellogg's Special K pack of 40 for $47.75, so I got those, and then there were Special K bars, the strawberry kind that Ton likes, a pack of 12 for $31.20, so I got those as well. Now I needed another basket.
I took me belt off and tied the end of me full basket to the front of me new one. I shoved off down another aisle. As I rounded the corner, I almost took out the sample lady by the deli meats. She had a platter of wieners on sticks that you dipped in a special sauce. She was maybe 62 or so and all smiles, a true granny, apron and all. I apologised, and she sweetly asked me to try a wiener dipped in the special sauce. I wasn't in the market for wieners dipped in anything, so I declined. She grabbed me arm and said through her teeth, "Look, mister, you nearly took out my display. The least you could do is try one of the wieners."
I again declined and started to push me carts away when she began to pursue me with such gusto down the meat aisle that I had to turn around and accept the wiener if I wanted to pick out any meat. I munched and chewed for all I was worth. The wiener tasted like rubber, and the special sauce was like glue. I shook me head at the granny and pushed me carts down the aisle. I ended up with 8 boneless rib-eye steaks, top cuts for $210.00. I thought, what a deal! I got a lot of other stuff and figured I made us a savings of $500 for the year by buying in large quantities. It cost me $1200 to go shopping, but we had food and necessities for the entire year, not just the week! And best of all, I'd never have to go shopping again.
I had to call me neighbour to come help me load up the groceries in his truck. When I had checked out, I had at least six carts I had strung together with mop handles (yes, I purchased 6 mops at quite a savings) and a lot of irate people behind me, shuffling their feet, sighing, and a few "come on's" under their breaths. The boot of me car, the inside back and passenger side were full of toilet tissue and cereal boxes. I had two dozen cases of Coca-Cola at considerable savings. along with the steaks, a case of North Carolina Pork Sauce, 40 boxes of Kleenex tissues, 10 boxes of Cascade dishwasher Tablets, 50 duel scent Fabreze refills (yes, I found them) in various scents, 25 boxes of Green Giant Spinach, 50 boxes of Q-Tips, 40 bottles of Pantene Shampoo, 40 bottles of Pantene Conditioner, 80 tubes of Crest Toothpaste, and oh the list goes on.
I was so proud of meself. I could see Tonya's happy face when she saw how successful I was at bargain shopping, but that didn't happen. She was pissed. I bought name-brand everything, and yes, there was a wee bit of savings. If I had gone generic, I would have saved more than half of what I paid. Drat! She was even more provoked to find I had bought only two items on her list, the Special K strawberry bars and the Fabreze refills. It got worse when she saw all the products for men (Caswell-Massey shaving cream - 20 cans, Caswell-Massey razors - pack of 3,000, 4VOO skin care for men - 50 tubes, Zephora facial mask for men - 5 jars, Zaman's Hairspray for men - 35 cans). She cursed me up a storm and even said this: "When I said you could buy whimsical items, I didn't mean a whole store full of men's products! Hell, you don't use any of those. What are you suddenly a metrosexual?" Oh, THE SHAME IN BEING CALLED THAT!
Add to that, she's right, I don't use any of those products; I thought the price was right. She hates spinach, and she doesn't use Pantene shampoo OR conditioner. Oh, there were a lot of other things she doesn't eat, like Kellogg's cereal, and why would I buy North Carolina Pork Sauce when she makes her own? And why, why, and what were you thinking, Gabe, about buying dishwasher tablets when we don't own one? Yes, I have been taken to task, and now I have to return most of what I purchased. I just hope the wiener lady isn't around when I have to go back there. I just know she'll be poking wieners down me throat as I try to explain me returns. Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Well, as it was, I was sitting around the house thinking of Paris Hilton (which means I had no thoughts in me head at all) when the wife made an appearance and ordered me to run to the store for her because she was up to her eyeballs in laundry.
Ok, I say, I'll be going to the store down the road. No, says she, you need to go to the big store on the highway. That would be one Bob's Big Deals, which I have set foot in once with Tonya, not by meself. It's so big I don't know me way around, and the list she hands me isn't small. I will be at this shopping stuff for days, maybe even weeks!
Tonya doesn't care. She told me to assume I was the hunter and had to hunt for food. That sounded appealing at first, but then I looked at the list. I don't know what Grey Poupon mustard is. I had never heard of Orville Redenbacher and his popcorn snacks. I don't know what a summer squash looks like or where they keep the Fabreze dual air freshener refills. In addition, I didn't realise the refills weren't those gel things anymore, but oils in bottles. How big are these things anyway?
I see it this way: If I can't march in, kill something, and drag it out, the trip has been unsuccessful.
Tonya told me I had no choice. It was that or laundry. I can't do that either. I don't remember how. I'm not brain dead; the washer and dryer that Tonya has is this newfangled contraption with settings for every heat temperature and fabric imaginable. That means I would have to sort through the wash and read the labels to find out if it can be dry cleaned (on the dry cleaning cycle), washed on the delicate cycle, or some other cycle equally mysterious to yours truly.
The carrot she dangled in front of this donkey was that I could pick up items, including "a whimsical purchase or two or twelve that are not on the list. As long as they aren't over $2.00 a piece." Could I learn to budget as well as hunt/shop? Oh, there was the challenge. I was game, and so I took her list, got me chequebook, and out I went.
Now I will admit I be a sucker for a good bargain. But I get frustrated when I can't find the usual staples Tonya buys every week. As I passed by the first aisle, I saw a sign for Charmin Toilet Tissue, which was $54.00 for 48 rolls. I stuck nearly the whole shelf load in me cart and the bottom rails. Then I saw there was Kellogg's Special K pack of 40 for $47.75, so I got those, and then there were Special K bars, the strawberry kind that Ton likes, a pack of 12 for $31.20, so I got those as well. Now I needed another basket.
I took me belt off and tied the end of me full basket to the front of me new one. I shoved off down another aisle. As I rounded the corner, I almost took out the sample lady by the deli meats. She had a platter of wieners on sticks that you dipped in a special sauce. She was maybe 62 or so and all smiles, a true granny, apron and all. I apologised, and she sweetly asked me to try a wiener dipped in the special sauce. I wasn't in the market for wieners dipped in anything, so I declined. She grabbed me arm and said through her teeth, "Look, mister, you nearly took out my display. The least you could do is try one of the wieners."
I again declined and started to push me carts away when she began to pursue me with such gusto down the meat aisle that I had to turn around and accept the wiener if I wanted to pick out any meat. I munched and chewed for all I was worth. The wiener tasted like rubber, and the special sauce was like glue. I shook me head at the granny and pushed me carts down the aisle. I ended up with 8 boneless rib-eye steaks, top cuts for $210.00. I thought, what a deal! I got a lot of other stuff and figured I made us a savings of $500 for the year by buying in large quantities. It cost me $1200 to go shopping, but we had food and necessities for the entire year, not just the week! And best of all, I'd never have to go shopping again.
I had to call me neighbour to come help me load up the groceries in his truck. When I had checked out, I had at least six carts I had strung together with mop handles (yes, I purchased 6 mops at quite a savings) and a lot of irate people behind me, shuffling their feet, sighing, and a few "come on's" under their breaths. The boot of me car, the inside back and passenger side were full of toilet tissue and cereal boxes. I had two dozen cases of Coca-Cola at considerable savings. along with the steaks, a case of North Carolina Pork Sauce, 40 boxes of Kleenex tissues, 10 boxes of Cascade dishwasher Tablets, 50 duel scent Fabreze refills (yes, I found them) in various scents, 25 boxes of Green Giant Spinach, 50 boxes of Q-Tips, 40 bottles of Pantene Shampoo, 40 bottles of Pantene Conditioner, 80 tubes of Crest Toothpaste, and oh the list goes on.
I was so proud of meself. I could see Tonya's happy face when she saw how successful I was at bargain shopping, but that didn't happen. She was pissed. I bought name-brand everything, and yes, there was a wee bit of savings. If I had gone generic, I would have saved more than half of what I paid. Drat! She was even more provoked to find I had bought only two items on her list, the Special K strawberry bars and the Fabreze refills. It got worse when she saw all the products for men (Caswell-Massey shaving cream - 20 cans, Caswell-Massey razors - pack of 3,000, 4VOO skin care for men - 50 tubes, Zephora facial mask for men - 5 jars, Zaman's Hairspray for men - 35 cans). She cursed me up a storm and even said this: "When I said you could buy whimsical items, I didn't mean a whole store full of men's products! Hell, you don't use any of those. What are you suddenly a metrosexual?" Oh, THE SHAME IN BEING CALLED THAT!
Add to that, she's right, I don't use any of those products; I thought the price was right. She hates spinach, and she doesn't use Pantene shampoo OR conditioner. Oh, there were a lot of other things she doesn't eat, like Kellogg's cereal, and why would I buy North Carolina Pork Sauce when she makes her own? And why, why, and what were you thinking, Gabe, about buying dishwasher tablets when we don't own one? Yes, I have been taken to task, and now I have to return most of what I purchased. I just hope the wiener lady isn't around when I have to go back there. I just know she'll be poking wieners down me throat as I try to explain me returns. Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one! It's on a totally
ReplyDeletedifferent topic but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Superb choice of colors!
The layout be available for any blogger that likes the look on Google Blogs, so not really very amazing.
ReplyDelete