DISCLAIMER
February - 2003
Story #13
R. Linda:
There is this great-sized girl who has a crush on yours truly and has hinted that she expects a Valentine's card and (gulp), more. Me good friend Willis thinks this is sporting stuff and has been ever so helpful by sending me emails with suggestions on how to handle this delicate situation. He even sent me a list of do's and don'ts entitled, How To Romance A Fat Girl And Live To Tell About It.
Last Saturday, around lunchtime, I noticed it was her and me who hadn't had lunch. She had been kind enough to type up a page of copy for me, and since she does not work in my area, I felt I should at least offer her lunch. She accepted eagerly and when I realised her size, I quickly made sure I had a credit card in case lunch became a "feast." (You see she had been sitting down the entire time I had any dealings with her. I noticed she talked about food to me more than anything else. I was suspicious, therefore, of her appetite). It was only upon the word lunch she sprang up and I saw there was a lot more to her than I first thought. Once sure I had me credit card, off we went to the pub down the road, me thinking lunch would cost at the max around $26.00. Yes, I know more than a page of copy is worth, but I needed that copy fast and she did save me time.
They have burgers deluxe down at the pub, any kind you can imagine -- they are made to order. Well, she ordered a double blue cheese burger with the works, red onions, lettuce, three slices of tomato and a dab of mayo -- under the burger. Bacon and blue cheese on the top with pickles. A large order of deluxe French fries, a side order of their equally famous onion rings, and "Oh yeah, extra cheese crumble please, on BOTH burgers and a diet coke!"
I couldn't for the life of me get the reasoning behind the Diet Coke, but okay. The waitress came back to the table and said, "Are those large drinks?" I look at her and before I can answer, me lunchmate pipes up, "Yup!"
I rubbed the back of me neck at the wonder of it all and there she was looking at me all happy. The drinks and the food came and I ate while she talked, and talked, and talked. She said I was her first lunch DATE ever. Oh, goody. I said, "Penny," (yes, her name is Penny but she certainly isn't the size of one) "Penny," says I, "I wanted to show me appreciation for your helping me out. It is the least I could do." In that way, I was saying, but not in so many words, this is not a DATE.
After we finished the burgers, I asked if she'd like a cup of coffee. She said, "Oh yes, please. But no cream it is fattening, just milk."
I beckoned our waitress and ordered two coffees, no sugar, just milk when Penny interrupted and asked, "What do you have for dessert?"
Here it comes I thought, and yes indeed the dessert cart was wheeled over. Now, Linda, you would have to see this three-tier cart with all these fancy and fattening desserts displayed just so. Enough to give Ms. O'Neill a heart attack. But Penny's eyes were glowing in her head and her body was shaking in anticipation. Me eyes were glued on the goodies thinking this could not be happening. Not after the cream is a fattening remark.
Penny began to point, and she said, "I'll have one of those and one of those, and oh, please one of those. Don't they look good? Gabriel, you should try THAT one and I'll give you a taste of mine and we can share. Oh and Miss, double the portions so we can share, okay?"
What could I say? "Good God Penny, you won't fit out the door if you eat all that!" Or, "What in heaven's name is wrong with you that you want to cram those sweets into your mouth, why not just slap them on your thighs and wear them out?" Or, "Saints preserve us Penny, there will be nothing left for anyone else!"
But no, I kept me trap shut and with a resigned expression, raised a brow to the skinny waitress who was smirking, to bring it on.
And so she did.
We had two large strawberry tarts with whipped cream piled as high as the Empire State Building, and we had lemon curd with sugared mint leaves (where they got mint leaves at this time of year was a mystery) placed prettily on one edge. We had To Die For Chocolate Pie, made with chocolate mousse and topped with whipped cream and cherry sauce, and finally, raspberry cakes wrapped in marzipan with wee iced flowers on top.
I wanted to say, "Penny, where are we going to put all this? I have no room for all these confections do you?" But then, I knew she would MAKE room. And so, I dipped me spoon in the lemon curd and had a taste of that. Umm, very good. Then she slid the pie in my direction and I found a fork and took a taste of that. Yes, lovely, lovely. Then the raspberry marzipan-covered confection; very, very, sweet. And lastly, the strawberry tart was excellent. However, that was all I could eat. Those wee tastes were enough to fill me up. But, not Penny! She went for it, gulped down her coffee and then ordered another large Diet Coke as she worked on my deserted desserts!
For the life of me, the Diet Cokes were disturbing, when it should have been the quantity of food that was being consumed in front of me very eyes, as my bill amount rose steadily upon each bite!
Finally, because I be a journalist, which means I'm smitten with curiosity, I asked the question, "Penny, why do you order Diet Cokes, when everything else is filled with sugared calories?"
With the last forkful of To Die For Chocolate Pie, she hesitated and looked at the stuff on the end of the fork. Her eyes got slitty, and I thought, oh no, here comes me being ripped up because I was subtly referring to her weight, but NO, her eyes glazed over as she looked from me to the pie and with one swift movement it was gone. Her lips came together like she was going to kiss the air, her eyes shut and her face looked like she was in ecstatic heaven.
Once out of her sugar high, she looks at me and says, "Gabriel, why are you so thin? Don't they feed you back in Ireland? I would think the sound of everyone's bones rubbing together and clanking around would be annoying to hear day in and day out."
Now let it be known I am not Mr. Universe, but I am not Mr. Skin and Bones either. I narrowed me eyes and almost said, "Twould be better than the ground shaking and the thunderous boom of footfalls heralding the fat people coming down the lane." But I didn't. Always the gent, I said instead, "You think me thin? Well, maybe I should give up the Diet Cokes."
She nodded, "Yeah, you should really."
With that, I decided the glutton time was over. I placed me napkin on the table, raised me hand for the bill, and then tried to hide the cardiac arrest that came upon me seeing the $150.00 bill for two people. I could see if I had ordered a vat of champagne and caviar, but for God's sake, three burgers -- hers, one burger -- mine, three orders of French fries -- hers, one order -- mine, an extra order of onion rings, three large Diet Cokes -- hers, one large Diet Coke -- mine, two cups of coffee -- hers, one cup of coffee -- me, and the piece de resistance' -- 8 desserts -- all hers? They even charged me for an extra cup of coffee I HAD which wasn't an extra cup at all it was topped off before I could say no thank you as I waited for Penny to consume the desserts.
I signed me name and left the 20% tip, so we were going way beyond $150.00. I was sitting there with someone I hardly knew, who typed up ONE PAGE of copy for me, and who easily ate me out of date money for two months!
It doesn't end there, unfortunately. On the way back to the office, it was blustery and cold, she grabbed me hand and with her other arm wrapped her meaty fingers around me elbow like she was afraid I might run off. She regales me with a blow-by-blow on each dessert and finally asks me at the door to the newspaper, what I be doing for Valentine's Day.
OH, GOD.
I said I was going out for drinks with Willis and a few of the lads after work, because I didn't want to lie, and I couldn't think of an excuse anyway on such short notice. She wanted to know if any women were among the partygoers, and I said, a few from the office, was mixed company. She batted her lashes at me once inside the reception area and I knew what she wanted me to ask, but I couldn't do it. For the life of me, I could not! She then said, "Sounds boring, you need a real date for Valentine's Day. You know what they say?"
I blinked because I didn't know what they were saying, and stupidly asked what.
"They say if you are alone on Valentine's Day, you'll be alone for the rest of the year!" She grinned at me expectantly.
R. Linda:
There is this great-sized girl who has a crush on yours truly and has hinted that she expects a Valentine's card and (gulp), more. Me good friend Willis thinks this is sporting stuff and has been ever so helpful by sending me emails with suggestions on how to handle this delicate situation. He even sent me a list of do's and don'ts entitled, How To Romance A Fat Girl And Live To Tell About It.
Last Saturday, around lunchtime, I noticed it was her and me who hadn't had lunch. She had been kind enough to type up a page of copy for me, and since she does not work in my area, I felt I should at least offer her lunch. She accepted eagerly and when I realised her size, I quickly made sure I had a credit card in case lunch became a "feast." (You see she had been sitting down the entire time I had any dealings with her. I noticed she talked about food to me more than anything else. I was suspicious, therefore, of her appetite). It was only upon the word lunch she sprang up and I saw there was a lot more to her than I first thought. Once sure I had me credit card, off we went to the pub down the road, me thinking lunch would cost at the max around $26.00. Yes, I know more than a page of copy is worth, but I needed that copy fast and she did save me time.
They have burgers deluxe down at the pub, any kind you can imagine -- they are made to order. Well, she ordered a double blue cheese burger with the works, red onions, lettuce, three slices of tomato and a dab of mayo -- under the burger. Bacon and blue cheese on the top with pickles. A large order of deluxe French fries, a side order of their equally famous onion rings, and "Oh yeah, extra cheese crumble please, on BOTH burgers and a diet coke!"
I couldn't for the life of me get the reasoning behind the Diet Coke, but okay. The waitress came back to the table and said, "Are those large drinks?" I look at her and before I can answer, me lunchmate pipes up, "Yup!"
I rubbed the back of me neck at the wonder of it all and there she was looking at me all happy. The drinks and the food came and I ate while she talked, and talked, and talked. She said I was her first lunch DATE ever. Oh, goody. I said, "Penny," (yes, her name is Penny but she certainly isn't the size of one) "Penny," says I, "I wanted to show me appreciation for your helping me out. It is the least I could do." In that way, I was saying, but not in so many words, this is not a DATE.
After we finished the burgers, I asked if she'd like a cup of coffee. She said, "Oh yes, please. But no cream it is fattening, just milk."
I beckoned our waitress and ordered two coffees, no sugar, just milk when Penny interrupted and asked, "What do you have for dessert?"
Here it comes I thought, and yes indeed the dessert cart was wheeled over. Now, Linda, you would have to see this three-tier cart with all these fancy and fattening desserts displayed just so. Enough to give Ms. O'Neill a heart attack. But Penny's eyes were glowing in her head and her body was shaking in anticipation. Me eyes were glued on the goodies thinking this could not be happening. Not after the cream is a fattening remark.
Penny began to point, and she said, "I'll have one of those and one of those, and oh, please one of those. Don't they look good? Gabriel, you should try THAT one and I'll give you a taste of mine and we can share. Oh and Miss, double the portions so we can share, okay?"
What could I say? "Good God Penny, you won't fit out the door if you eat all that!" Or, "What in heaven's name is wrong with you that you want to cram those sweets into your mouth, why not just slap them on your thighs and wear them out?" Or, "Saints preserve us Penny, there will be nothing left for anyone else!"
But no, I kept me trap shut and with a resigned expression, raised a brow to the skinny waitress who was smirking, to bring it on.
And so she did.
We had two large strawberry tarts with whipped cream piled as high as the Empire State Building, and we had lemon curd with sugared mint leaves (where they got mint leaves at this time of year was a mystery) placed prettily on one edge. We had To Die For Chocolate Pie, made with chocolate mousse and topped with whipped cream and cherry sauce, and finally, raspberry cakes wrapped in marzipan with wee iced flowers on top.
I wanted to say, "Penny, where are we going to put all this? I have no room for all these confections do you?" But then, I knew she would MAKE room. And so, I dipped me spoon in the lemon curd and had a taste of that. Umm, very good. Then she slid the pie in my direction and I found a fork and took a taste of that. Yes, lovely, lovely. Then the raspberry marzipan-covered confection; very, very, sweet. And lastly, the strawberry tart was excellent. However, that was all I could eat. Those wee tastes were enough to fill me up. But, not Penny! She went for it, gulped down her coffee and then ordered another large Diet Coke as she worked on my deserted desserts!
For the life of me, the Diet Cokes were disturbing, when it should have been the quantity of food that was being consumed in front of me very eyes, as my bill amount rose steadily upon each bite!
Finally, because I be a journalist, which means I'm smitten with curiosity, I asked the question, "Penny, why do you order Diet Cokes, when everything else is filled with sugared calories?"
With the last forkful of To Die For Chocolate Pie, she hesitated and looked at the stuff on the end of the fork. Her eyes got slitty, and I thought, oh no, here comes me being ripped up because I was subtly referring to her weight, but NO, her eyes glazed over as she looked from me to the pie and with one swift movement it was gone. Her lips came together like she was going to kiss the air, her eyes shut and her face looked like she was in ecstatic heaven.
Once out of her sugar high, she looks at me and says, "Gabriel, why are you so thin? Don't they feed you back in Ireland? I would think the sound of everyone's bones rubbing together and clanking around would be annoying to hear day in and day out."
Now let it be known I am not Mr. Universe, but I am not Mr. Skin and Bones either. I narrowed me eyes and almost said, "Twould be better than the ground shaking and the thunderous boom of footfalls heralding the fat people coming down the lane." But I didn't. Always the gent, I said instead, "You think me thin? Well, maybe I should give up the Diet Cokes."
She nodded, "Yeah, you should really."
With that, I decided the glutton time was over. I placed me napkin on the table, raised me hand for the bill, and then tried to hide the cardiac arrest that came upon me seeing the $150.00 bill for two people. I could see if I had ordered a vat of champagne and caviar, but for God's sake, three burgers -- hers, one burger -- mine, three orders of French fries -- hers, one order -- mine, an extra order of onion rings, three large Diet Cokes -- hers, one large Diet Coke -- mine, two cups of coffee -- hers, one cup of coffee -- me, and the piece de resistance' -- 8 desserts -- all hers? They even charged me for an extra cup of coffee I HAD which wasn't an extra cup at all it was topped off before I could say no thank you as I waited for Penny to consume the desserts.
I signed me name and left the 20% tip, so we were going way beyond $150.00. I was sitting there with someone I hardly knew, who typed up ONE PAGE of copy for me, and who easily ate me out of date money for two months!
It doesn't end there, unfortunately. On the way back to the office, it was blustery and cold, she grabbed me hand and with her other arm wrapped her meaty fingers around me elbow like she was afraid I might run off. She regales me with a blow-by-blow on each dessert and finally asks me at the door to the newspaper, what I be doing for Valentine's Day.
OH, GOD.
I said I was going out for drinks with Willis and a few of the lads after work, because I didn't want to lie, and I couldn't think of an excuse anyway on such short notice. She wanted to know if any women were among the partygoers, and I said, a few from the office, was mixed company. She batted her lashes at me once inside the reception area and I knew what she wanted me to ask, but I couldn't do it. For the life of me, I could not! She then said, "Sounds boring, you need a real date for Valentine's Day. You know what they say?"
I blinked because I didn't know what they were saying, and stupidly asked what.
"They say if you are alone on Valentine's Day, you'll be alone for the rest of the year!" She grinned at me expectantly.
I knew better, that that was what they said about New Year's Eve, not Valentine's Day.
I said instead, "I have to go now. Thank you for typing the copy. See you later."
She called after me as I got to the elevator, "Thank YOU for the lunch DATE. I hope we have many more." And she blew me a kiss in front of all the people in the lobby.
The doors opened, I quickly slipped inside and then roundly cursed meself a royal treat for being so stupid as to ask someone I did not know to lunch. Worse, I know knew how unstoppable she was when she wanted something, and now I would be fending her off because second to food, I was in demand. And I was correct.
The very next day, Sunday, with a skeleton staff, I had to work! She didn't, but there she was in me cubicle, hanging over the side, with me on the other, me foot braced against the wall from under the desk, one arm holding the wall above the desk so it didn't topple over on me. She smiled and offered me a Snickers Bar, not one of those small bites or the standard size, it was GIANT sized. I took it to be nice, because not to would be disrespectful.
"Aren't you going to open it?" She asked.
I looked at it, I didn't want chocolate at 9 a.m. and I told her I'd have it at break later. She urged me to have it NOW. I started to grow suspicious after I once again said I'd rather save it for later. She took it from my desktop and started to unwrap it, saying it was the dark chocolate kind and I should have a bite. I thought, ohhh, she wants a bite or half at least. But no, she carefully started a tear at the top and handed it to me. I looked at it and could see something inside. She smiled sweetly and humming to herself left me with the candy bar still in hand.
I let go of the wall and curious, opened it to find a poem enclosed inside. I saw what she had done, she had carefully unwrapped the bar, placed the poem inside and then glued the paper wrapper back on. Uncooperative me had made her have to open it in case I decided not to eat it. The note said:
"Roses are red, violets are blue, give Gabriel a Penny, and he'll never go back to Jenny."
Jenny was the girl I had been seeing until she left for San Francisco to do work at a sister newspaper there. I was gobsmacked. Then at the bottom, it read:
"You are invited to an intimate dinner at Penny's, this Friday at 7:00 p.m. (address and phone etc.)"
I looked up to see her smiling at me from across the room. OH SHITE! I smiled back the smile frozen in place as my heart raced erratically in fear, and me skin began to perspire and me mind blew a few gaskets.
It has taken me the rest of the week to assemble reinforcements to help me out of this mess. Penny has been curiously absent from work. I found out why today. Why is because she's gone shopping for an outfit for Friday's big date (I have awful images of her in a thong), and she's preparing a feast for yours truly. What to do? I have had plenty of help in the joking around category, but no solid advice as to how to get out of this. I did not verbally accept the "date" and to hear the trouble she's going to have me feeling like a heel if I don't go, but I don't want to go, and blimey I don't know what to do!
While me friends are enjoying this, I be sweating bullets and losing weight I can't afford to lose, and sleep over it. Wednesday I slept from sheer exhaustion, only to awake finding me dilemma is no dream, but a reality waiting to happen.
PLUS, she's gone telling the other women I took her out on a date Saturday. No mention it was lunchtime, we were at work, and it was because she typed copy for me. They all think it was outside work, at night and I have the hots for her.
Add to this, the girl I be interested in, one Chloe by name, is ignoring me like I don't exist. I stopped by her desk this afternoon, and she said, "I hear you like em' big and bosomy." Me mouth gaped open and I stuttered and that made it worse. "I guess it's true," she said getting up and leaving me standing there still stuttering.
I have gotten messages entitled: "Penny for your thoughts," "Picture this: Victoria's Secret Gone Double X Size RED THONG with Valentine Hearts," "What to get that Big Girl in your life for Valentine's Day," "Help she's sitting on me until I kiss her," and oh yeah, "Fat can be fun."
My mind is blown for one nice gesture me life has become a travesty. I be such a dope.
Well, it is the big date day. I want to crawl into a hole somewhere. I stayed out of the office as much as possible yesterday. The result below is what I got in me email upon me return AFTER Penny went home. This is from Willis and the gang, my so-called friends.
I said instead, "I have to go now. Thank you for typing the copy. See you later."
She called after me as I got to the elevator, "Thank YOU for the lunch DATE. I hope we have many more." And she blew me a kiss in front of all the people in the lobby.
The doors opened, I quickly slipped inside and then roundly cursed meself a royal treat for being so stupid as to ask someone I did not know to lunch. Worse, I know knew how unstoppable she was when she wanted something, and now I would be fending her off because second to food, I was in demand. And I was correct.
The very next day, Sunday, with a skeleton staff, I had to work! She didn't, but there she was in me cubicle, hanging over the side, with me on the other, me foot braced against the wall from under the desk, one arm holding the wall above the desk so it didn't topple over on me. She smiled and offered me a Snickers Bar, not one of those small bites or the standard size, it was GIANT sized. I took it to be nice, because not to would be disrespectful.
"Aren't you going to open it?" She asked.
I looked at it, I didn't want chocolate at 9 a.m. and I told her I'd have it at break later. She urged me to have it NOW. I started to grow suspicious after I once again said I'd rather save it for later. She took it from my desktop and started to unwrap it, saying it was the dark chocolate kind and I should have a bite. I thought, ohhh, she wants a bite or half at least. But no, she carefully started a tear at the top and handed it to me. I looked at it and could see something inside. She smiled sweetly and humming to herself left me with the candy bar still in hand.
I let go of the wall and curious, opened it to find a poem enclosed inside. I saw what she had done, she had carefully unwrapped the bar, placed the poem inside and then glued the paper wrapper back on. Uncooperative me had made her have to open it in case I decided not to eat it. The note said:
"Roses are red, violets are blue, give Gabriel a Penny, and he'll never go back to Jenny."
Jenny was the girl I had been seeing until she left for San Francisco to do work at a sister newspaper there. I was gobsmacked. Then at the bottom, it read:
"You are invited to an intimate dinner at Penny's, this Friday at 7:00 p.m. (address and phone etc.)"
I looked up to see her smiling at me from across the room. OH SHITE! I smiled back the smile frozen in place as my heart raced erratically in fear, and me skin began to perspire and me mind blew a few gaskets.
It has taken me the rest of the week to assemble reinforcements to help me out of this mess. Penny has been curiously absent from work. I found out why today. Why is because she's gone shopping for an outfit for Friday's big date (I have awful images of her in a thong), and she's preparing a feast for yours truly. What to do? I have had plenty of help in the joking around category, but no solid advice as to how to get out of this. I did not verbally accept the "date" and to hear the trouble she's going to have me feeling like a heel if I don't go, but I don't want to go, and blimey I don't know what to do!
While me friends are enjoying this, I be sweating bullets and losing weight I can't afford to lose, and sleep over it. Wednesday I slept from sheer exhaustion, only to awake finding me dilemma is no dream, but a reality waiting to happen.
PLUS, she's gone telling the other women I took her out on a date Saturday. No mention it was lunchtime, we were at work, and it was because she typed copy for me. They all think it was outside work, at night and I have the hots for her.
Add to this, the girl I be interested in, one Chloe by name, is ignoring me like I don't exist. I stopped by her desk this afternoon, and she said, "I hear you like em' big and bosomy." Me mouth gaped open and I stuttered and that made it worse. "I guess it's true," she said getting up and leaving me standing there still stuttering.
I have gotten messages entitled: "Penny for your thoughts," "Picture this: Victoria's Secret Gone Double X Size RED THONG with Valentine Hearts," "What to get that Big Girl in your life for Valentine's Day," "Help she's sitting on me until I kiss her," and oh yeah, "Fat can be fun."
My mind is blown for one nice gesture me life has become a travesty. I be such a dope.
Well, it is the big date day. I want to crawl into a hole somewhere. I stayed out of the office as much as possible yesterday. The result below is what I got in me email upon me return AFTER Penny went home. This is from Willis and the gang, my so-called friends.
Gabe
Copyright © 2003 All rights reserved
2 comments:
You HAVE to fix this one. It's making me crazy!!!
All fixed, my formatting was off. :)
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