25 April, 2018

Once Upon A Time

25 April 2018

R. Linda:

Me Mam likes to watch the public broadcast and BBC stations. Anything that the accents aren't American. She complains she can't understand Americans because they twang their speech. So she watches tours of Britain's palaces, detective series, histories of the English kings and queens, etc. Dragon, me visiting monster-in-law, has been subject to all me Mam's Brit shows. She's at the opposite spectrum, she can't understand the British accents because they all talk "funny."

Now add this hearing impairment of Dragon's to her being nearly blind and you have a woman who gets conversations and what she sees, WRONG. The other night me Mam was watching a Brit program with a very animated host take a walk through an ancient English manor house. He had quite a tale to tell on his own, but this tale got more embellished by the Dragon, when she related it to our resident moocher, me cousin Sean.

I had seen bits and pieces of the programme as I was working at home, and really wasn't paying that much attention, but I got the gist of it, something Dragon did not. The next morning, I walked into Dragon telling Sean about two of me friends who had castles in the English countryside. One was Wolfie and the other Weasil. Now to be fair Weasil does have a castle in the family only its in Scotland, not England and Wolfie, as far as I know does not own a castle though he has friends that do. AND he is not related to Weasil in any shape or form. I walked into the middle of the story which went like this:

"The castle was very large, the biggest in the UK and bigger than Buckingham Palace. It might have been designed by Christopher Wren, or an associate, but no one knows for sure. The castle is very old and it had gorgeous gardens in the back of it. When you see it you are astounded by its massiveness."

I had no clue what she was talking about, but as I listened and poured me coffee, I realised it was the show she and Mam watched the night before.

"It turns out that the owner of the castle had no heirs of his own so he decided to give the castle to his favorite nephew, and not to the true next in line."

"Oh begorrah!" Sean threw up his hands as if this was personally bad news. "I'd tink da one shoulda got da place wuz very upset he was."

"Oh yes Sean, he was, and he wasn't going to let things slide. When the old owner died, the castle was passed on to the favorite who you might know around here as Wolfie."

I almost spit me coffee out, as I had sat down to hear this because I was curious who these wealthy friends of mine were. Knowing this was fabrication on Dragon's part, I decided to not correct her to see where she was going with this.

"Noo, I dunt noo dis Wolfie, but goo on." Sean said thinking hard if he did know this person or not. Not be the correct answer.

"Well . . . this castle was made of a golden stone with beautiful embellishments. It is over 100,000 square feet with 300 plus rooms!" To this Sean made admiring sounds and this encouraged Dragon to continue the farce.

"In a short time, this Wolfie (I guess that's short for Wolfgang) . . . " She paused thinking about that as I shook me head no it was not. "Found that his uncle did not leave him near enough money to support the huge place."

"What to do." I threw out sarcastically.

"What to do indeed," Dragon nodded, "So his remedy was to quietly sell off part of the 600 acres the castle sat upon. Equally quietly, Wolfie's cousin C W Weasil was quietly buying the acreage. I guess he was hellbent on acquiring some of his late uncle's estate."

C W Weasil? What did the W stand for I wondered, wicked maybe?

"He bought up to 600 yards of the back of the castle!" This she said with a flourish of her arm like she was waving a magic wand. "One morning, very early Wolfgang wakes up to the sound of heavy construction in his backyard. It seemed the Weasil was breaking ground and building another manor house right behind the castle! Can you imagine?"

"I can't." I volunteered to Sean's agreeing with me, but not sharing my sarcasm, he was displaying amazement. The lad was hooked on this silly story, hook, line, and sinker, and there I was amused at the name Wolfgang and what Wolf's reaction would be if he knew Dragon thought that was his name.

"Wolfgang, couldn't believe his eyes and there was nothing he could do, it was all legal. He must have watched in dismay as his cousin erected a brick monstrosity that blotted out his view of the beautiful gardens. The new manor house looked nothing like the old one, and well I am sure THAT little detail devalued the big castle's property . . . what was left of it." She said as an afterthought.

"Wow." Sean said completely under her spell. I wanted to kick him, but I refrained and sipped me cup of joe.

"But the story doesn't end there," she continued, "Wolfgang had his revenge. The property on either side of the new brick manor house still belonged to him. Do you know what he did?"

"Noo, wot?" Sean asked leaning towards Dragon all interested.

"He built horse stables on either side of the Weasil's new home. Yes, he did, both sides, high enough to blot out the rolling countryside, so the only view Weasil had was the gardens and there wasn't much left with those horse mews built down the sides. Can you imagine Weasil's waking each morning to the sound of neighing hungry horses and horse manure wafting through his windows?"

Okay I had enough but I left the gullible Sean believing all this and did absolutely nothing to correct the Dragon on her alternate reality story.

I can hardly wait for Weasil to show up and get hit with this. Even better for Wolfie to read this and discover he's German not Irish! I do wonder if composes music in his spare time while looking out his castle window laughing at Weasil's view of horse manure being carted off to the garden. Ah that Dragon, she's a piece of work and then some.

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  1. ROFLMAO where did she get the names and bad info? She does so in a good fairy tale, scary thing is she believes what she says.

    1. Where does she get anything? Your guess is as good as mine.

  2. Thaties the way it reallllyyyy went downie. Jus askie Wolfgang heh heh

  3. WOW I did not know my family owned a castle! I got online for light lunchtime reading and found a new level of gobsmackness than ever before. I rang me da up and read it to him. Imagine his surprise to find out his name is really Wolfgang! He denies owning a castle and even more vehemently denies being related in any way to C W Weasil! ROFLMAO Who is the woman Dragon? She knows much but very little at the same time, how is that possible? I have to go calm my da down over the Weasil connection, LOLOLOL!!!

  4. nicely told tale lololol is sean that naive?

  5. The woman has hoisted herself by her own petard once again BOOM! Matey, your cousin Sean must be without any brain in his head he believes that. Though, makes a damn good story and I wish it were true because I would rather enjoy calling Wolfie Wolfgang and ribbing him about his wicked Weasil of a cousin, only kidding Wolfie. LOL

    1. From what Tom says I highly doubt Wolf would enjoy the jape.