28 December, 2014

An Unusual Christmas Present

28 December 2014

R. Linda:

Be careful what you ask for, and too much of a good thing . . . Well, I can attest to both of those old sayings. I have for weeks seen commercials for the juicer machine. You can put whole fruits and vegetables in this thing and with one flip of the switch you have liquid. The canister even comes off and you can take it to work or wherever you may go. Oh yeah, I just had to have one of THOSE!

And for Christmas, the wife got me one. Oh I was like a little kid when I saw it, I was antsy the kiddos should finish opening their gifts so I could race into the kitchen and use it. And once they did finally finish, I made a beeline for the kitchen counter. I tore that machine out of its box, I didn't even bother to read the instructions, no me head was in the fridge getting out veggies, fruits, berries, and yogurt. I put a entire handful of kale, followed by two celery sticks, some black berries, blue berries, a half a carton of yogurt, all in the mixing tube and flipped the switch. I watched those babies go from green to a strange shade of grey.

What I had, looked like the most unappetising drink ever made. Tonya had got hold the instructions and was shaking her head until she saw the final product.

"YOU are going to DRINK THAT. You are not going to waste all that stuff. Now drink it mister."

"But it's grey." I pointed at it wrinkling me nose.

"You could not wait to get out here and look at that! You drink that. I want to see the reaction."

"But Tonya it's Christmas, drinking something grey just isn't a part of Christmas."

"Well, it used to be green, but now . . . " she mused, and then thinking about the waste she said, "drink it!"

So not wanting to appear like a wuss, I took the canister off the machine and holding me breath I took a sip. If not for the unappetising colour, it was pretty good. I handed it to Tonya, who reading the pleasurable expression on me face, decided it had to be okay. She took a sip and nodded letting the taste sink in.

"Not bad, I am surprised with what all you put in there." She admitted as her tongue searched her teeth for tiny blackberry seeds. The exact same thing I was doing. She looked at the brochure and read to me that blackberry seeds would not be pulverised. So not to use them. Well, drink and learn.

She read all about the machine that night and even told me that if we wanted to have a super drink with nuts, we'd have to put the nuts in the machine and turn it on for 30 seconds. Then we could add other ingredients.

"Lets try it!" I said all enthused.

I got some nuts I put them in the machine and switched it on. Only I turned the machine off after 20 seconds instead of the 30 which was pointed out to me by me wife.

"What's ten seconds?" I said with a shrug.

Well, ten seconds means a lot let me tell you. After putting in strawberries, bananas, and a kiwi, we were once again searching our teeth with our tongues for nut particles AND kiwi seeds.

Every morning now I get JUICE. Not because I want juice, but because someone bought me the machine I just had to have and so I, and me kiddos, are getting juiced whether we want it or not.

"Oh Gabe, where you going?" Tonya had called after me Friday when I was making me way to the front door. Some of us had to work and well . . .

"I be going to work, why?" I called back over me shoulder as I reached the door.

"Because you forgot to drink your JUICE." She said hurrying in me direction with a green concoction that in the morning looked totally unappetising. Maybe if it was orange, I'd have not objected, but I did and I was given a good dressing down for all the good it did me. SO I took the green cup and drank it and oh my God was it terrible. I choked as I asked her what was in it.

"Let's see, all the healthy things you said you needed. Like celery, spinach, a bell pepper, and some leftover kale. I thought green for Irish people."

"You did did you?" I said forcing the vile stuff down. "I think I shall be sick."

"Oh no, how could THAT happen when you are drinking HEALTHY?" She smiled big as she took the empty cup and went off humming and I went off gagging to me motor.

Ever since Friday, I have been subject to the morning juice routine. Me kiddos run as soon as they hear the machine noise in the kitchen. They are quiet for hours I tell ya, and for that I should be thankful, but that I can't do the same. I never know what I am drinking, just that I don't like most of the selections. I have had red, green, yellow, orange, and beige drinks. None of which was very good. I don't know why Tonya has taken over the machine, but I wish she'd stop it. She particularly likes to ask me if I'd like some "juice" in the middle of a movie or telly programme. I think she does that just for spite. I am not sure what the deal is, but I can tell you this, just tonight, I went into our bedroom and found the box of Russell Stover candies she had hidden in her nightstand.

I took the middle layer and put it in the blender with a shot of rum and some heavy cream. May I say, it was deliciously decadent. She savoured it until she went to get her box of candy and discovered the entire middle layer gone. Yeah, so much for the ooh and ahhing over the delicious chocolate drink. I think it was the caramel we were both using our tongues to dislodge from our teeth that made her suspect. Uh huh, now its "HOW COULD YOU? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE THAT CANDY! YOU WILL BUY ME ANOTHER ONE IF IT IS THE LAST THING YOU DO. AND DON'T YOU DARE EVER DO THAT AGAIN! THAT JUICER IS FOR HEALTHY DRINKS, NOT CANDY IN LIQUID FORM!"

Yes indeed, revenge be SWEET. Indeed, indeed. I do think I will have caramel stuck to me teeth for weeks. What a treat!

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  1. for a connoisseur of junk food, this has to be the worst present ever. look at it this way mr. junk food junkie, you'll be the healthiest junk food foodee out there. lmao

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