An Unusual Christmas Present

28 December 2014

Story #761

R. Linda:

Be careful what you ask for, and too much of a good thing . . . Well, I can attest to both of those old sayings. I have seen commercials for juicer machines for weeks. You can put whole fruits and vegetables in this thing, and with one flip of the switch, you have liquid. The canister even comes off, and you can take it to work or wherever you may go. Oh yeah, I just had to have one of those!

And for Christmas, the wife got me one. Oh, I was like a little kid when I saw it. I was antsy; the kiddos should finish opening their gifts so I could race into the kitchen and use it. And once they finally finished, I made a beeline for the kitchen counter. I tore that machine out of its box; I didn't even bother to read the instructions; no, my head was in the fridge getting out veggies, fruits, berries, and yogurt. I put an entire handful of kale, followed by two celery sticks, some blackberries, blueberries, and half a carton of yogurt, all in the mixing tube and flipped the switch. I watched those babies go from green to a strange shade of grey.

I had made the most unappetising drink ever! Tonya had taken the instructions and was shaking her head until she saw the final product.

"YOU are going to DRINK THAT. You are not going to waste all that stuff. Now drink it, mister."

"But it's grey." I pointed at it, wrinkling me nose.

"You could not wait to get out here and look at that! You drink that. I want to see the reaction."

"But Tonya, it's Christmas; drinking something grey just isn't a part of Christmas."

"Well, it used to be green, but now . . . " she mused, and then thinking about the waste, she said, "Drink it!"

So, not wanting to appear like a wuss, I took the canister off the machine and, holding me breath, took a sip. If not for the unappetising colour, it was pretty good. I handed it to Tonya, who, reading the pleasurable expression on me face, decided it had to be okay. She took a sip and nodded, letting the taste sink in.

"Not bad. I am surprised with what all you put in there." She admitted as her tongue searched her teeth for tiny blackberry seeds—the exact same thing I was doing. She looked at the brochure and read to me that blackberry seeds would not be pulverised, so not to use them. Well, drink and learn.

She read all about the machine that night and even told me that if we wanted to have a super drink with nuts, we'd have to put the nuts in the machine and turn it on for 30 seconds. Then, we could add other ingredients.

"Let us try it!" I said, all enthused.

I got some nuts, put them in the machine, and switched it on. However, me wife pointed out to me that I turned the machine off after 20 seconds instead of 30, which was a mistake.

"What's ten seconds?" I said with a shrug.

Well, ten seconds means a lot, let me tell you. After adding strawberries, bananas, and a kiwi, we were once again searching our teeth and tongues for nut particles and kiwi seeds.

Every morning now, I get juice. Not because I want juice but because someone bought me the machine I just had to have, so my kiddos and I are getting juiced whether we want it or not.

"Oh, Gabe, where are you going?" Tonya called after me Friday when I was going to the front door. Some of us had to work, and well . . .

"I be going to work; why?" I called back over me shoulder as I reached the door.

"Because you forgot to drink your juice," she said, hurrying in my direction with a green concoction that, in the morning, looked totally unappetising. If it was orange, I'd have not objected, but I did, and I was given a good dressing down for all the good it did me. So I took the green cup and drank it, and oh my God, was it terrible. I choked as I asked her what was in it.

"Let's see, all the healthy things you said you needed. Like celery, spinach, a bell pepper, and some leftover kale. I thought green for Irish people."

"You did, did you?" I said, forcing the vile stuff down. "I think I shall be sick."

"Oh no, how could THAT happen when you drink healthily?" She smiled big as she took the empty cup and went off humming, and I went off gagging to me motor.

Ever since Friday, I have been subject to the morning juice routine. Me kiddos run when they hear the machine noise in the kitchen. They are quiet for hours, I tell ya, and I should be thankful for that, but I can't do the same. I never know what I drink be coming me way; I don't like most of the selections. I have had drinks in red, green, yellow, orange, and beige. None of which was very good. I don't know why Tonya has taken over the machine, but I wish she'd stop it. She particularly likes to ask me if I'd like some "juice" in the middle of a movie or telly programme. I think she does that just for spite. I am not sure what the deal is, but I can tell you this, just tonight, I went into our bedroom and found the box of Russell Stover candies she had hidden in her nightstand.

I put the middle layer in the blender with a shot of rum and some heavy cream. It was deliciously decadent. She savoured it until she went to get her box of candy and discovered the entire middle layer gone. Yeah, so much for the ooh and ahhing over the delicious chocolate drink. I think the caramel we were both using our tongues to dislodge from our teeth made her suspect. Uh-huh, now it's "HOW COULD YOU? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE THAT CANDY! YOU WILL BUY ME ANOTHER ONE IF IT IS THE LAST THING YOU DO. AND DON'T YOU DARE EVER DO THAT AGAIN! THAT JUICER IS FOR HEALTHY DRINKS, NOT CANDY IN LIQUID FORM!"

Yes, indeed, revenge be SWEET. Indeed, indeed. I will have caramel stuck to me teeth for weeks. What a treat!

Gabe
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