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R. Linda:
As you know me sainted parents came to spend the holidays in this glorious country with me and me bride. Well, begorrah me, it has been a time -- yes it has, but all in all I have survived thus far. Me da is a devilish old codger at times he be, and his favourite thing to say to me and the wife is: "There isn't any funny business going on is there?"
WHO DOES THAT, worse WHO SAYS THAT OUT LOUD?
If I hug the wife hello, he says, "OH BEGORRAH ME, lookie there Maude there be funny business goin' on there be."
And me sainted mother, God bless her petite little frame, would turn round and take a quick look and say, "Pshaw Robbie now they be young and in love, leave em' be."
Can I say here that me mam's name isn't Maude and me da isn't a Robbie. They call each other those names and I never bothered to ask why. Maybe they be in the witness protection programme, I've not a clue, but they are insane old people, I chalk it up to that.
Now back to the funny business. How much of this can one couple stand? This has been going on since when? I can't remember if they arrived in October or was it November or early December? It feels like they've been here FOREVER. They are supposed to leave the day after New Years but something tells me they be having too good a time and are here for the long haul. As me friend at work, Ben Lieberman says, OY VEY!
Because of the new baby, I volunteered to do most of the cooking and what have you for the holidays.
So here's the thing, as you know I made me famous mincemeat pies for Christmas Eve. At least I thought it was Christmas Eve. I did have to wonder what was going on when me wife and her little friends ate me first pie and left me cooking (what I though was) on Christmas Eve another mince pie. BUT, me wife failed to tell me that it wasn't REALLY Christmas Eve that I was baking me pie, it was the day before Christmas Eve.
Are you confused? Well, I surely was. Here is what happened. Two weeks ago, I came home from me work and I say to all gathered at the evening meal, "I have taken next week off to do Christmas shopping, to take mam and da to the shops if they want to go, and get things ready for the tree, the decorating, the whole of it AND, I don't have to be back to work until the 27th of this month because I be given Monday off for Christmas since it falls on a Sunday this year, as the government has closed offices for that day well, and I guess the paper thinks it will be a slow news day, so I be off!
Ok that was what I said near verbatim. Me poor mother is hard of hearing (she doesn't think so), so I thought maybe later, when things started to get bizarre around me house, she must have not heard a word I said properly. BECAUSE on Christmas Eve, I thought we were to have this open house thing that me wife had planned, but that day as I was baking me second mince pie, and helping getting things in order for the said party, I noticed me wife was rather laid back and doing not a whole hell of a lot.
She was having tea with me parents most of the day, eating cookies that she and mam had baked earlier in the week. It was odd I thought to meself, but I kept on until around five I knocked off for a shower and change of clothes for the party. When I got meself all done, I walked into the kitchen and the three of them were still at it, only they had graduated from tea and cookies to left over roast chicken sannys.
I was taken aback that no one was dressed for a party that was scheduled to start at 7:00, it being close to 6:30, and eating when I had a refrigerator full of food.
Me da took one look at me and said, "What funny business ya got on tap with ya Gabe?"
Me mam turned around and said to me, "My, my Gabriel, don't you look all nice, what's the occasion?"
Well, OK. Not funny business, just a party I was thinking except I be the only one having the party it looks.
I wanted to say, I wish I could say the same for you three gluttons. Of course I did not voice that. I sat down and watched them munch and talk about nothing in particular and no mention of guests arriving, all the time thinking they were old and had lost track of time and circumstance, until it hit me that me wife was not old so why was she doing the same thing they were?
I finally couldn't stand it any longer and said, "You know don't you, that people are going to begin to arrive and none of you are dressed for a party and we have to lay out all that food and such.
Well R. Linda, you would have thought a bomb went off. They stopped with food halfway to open mouths and just stared at me like I was the crazy one.
"What?" I asked.
"Gabe," me wife began gently like I was an idiot, "I thought someone told you that Christmas Eve is tomorrow, not tonight."
I looked at me watch and it said, December 24, 2005. I looked at her and pointed to me watch.
"Gabe," me wife said, laying a hand gently on my arm, "I know what day it is sweetheart, but YOU told your mother that the government was closed on Monday for Christmas and that even your own newspaper has given you the day off."
She blinked her eyes at me. I was like WHAT, WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THE LOT OF YOU? But instead, I said, "Honey, say what?"
"Gabe," me wife tried again, "We are celebrating Christmas on Monday."
WHO FREAKING DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? I put me head in me hands and kept them there trying to figure out whether I was caught in the Twilight Zone, or in a bad, very bad dream or if reality was really what I was experiencing. I felt Tonya's hand on me arm, tapping it gently as she tried again and I knew it was all too real.
"Gabe, YOUR mother said that since the government is celebrating Christmas on Monday, we should not get caught celebrating it on Sunday, because we could end up in jail."
I wanted to jump up and tear me hair out. But I looked through me fingers at her, me eyebrows hitting me hairline.
"Gabe, I told her the government didn't decree that, but YOUR mother wants to be safe and not sorry. Therefore, Gabe, we are going to have the Christmas Eve party tomorrow, on the 25th. And we'll be celebrating Christmas on the 26th just like the government." She said brightly.
Then she smiled really big, like that Cheshire cat in Alice In Wonderland, every tooth gleaming in her head almost blinding me and I was certainly convinced I be in Wonderland.
"And Gabe, I called everyone and told them THAT."
I shut her out by closing me fingers in front of me face and told meself, yes indeed Gabriel O' YOU are definitely dreaming.
Me mother tsked at me and got up to do dishes as me father cleared the table. As if they were embarrassed at their mentally impaired adult son. I took me hands down and looked at me wife.
"Ton, tell me this is a sick joke on your part." I whispered.
Her bottom teeth scraped her upper lip and her eyes rolled in her head and as she shook her head, it was no joke, I leaned forward and motioned her nearer.
"But Ton, tomorrow IS Christmas, no one and I say no one, is going to come here for a party on Christmas NIGHT," I hissed quietly.
"Oh ye of little faith," me deaf mother said obviously hearing me very clearly for a deaf person. "They be here because they all be celebratin' on Monday, the OFFICIAL holiday. You don't want President Bush mad at ye now do ya?"
Oh my God. CRAZY, SHE AND ALL OF THEM -- CRAZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEE!
Well R. Linda, the next day -- CHRISTMAS DAY - came and the flurry of activity that afternoon to set the old place up for a party began in earnest. I sat and watched in wonder, knowing perfectly well, we'd be the only party goers there. BUT I was wrong. There were a lot of people who came, to get away from the TOYS and noise of children arguing about what they got. I was amazed I was. They had celebrated Christmas and I was taking one such parent to inform me sainted and badly misinformed mam about that, when Tonya intercepted me with a "Don't you dare. You'll spoil her Christmas."
Spoil HER Christmas? What about mine? It was non-existent!
As for me da, all night at the party I kept saying to him, "Funny business is it? YOUR wife is full of funny business da." And he'd smile at me and chuckle. He didn't care when we celebrated it, he knew the truth and did nothing to correct it or warn his only son. Why? Because he loves that little woman who has ruled his life with an iron will for 40 some years. And continues to do so, and he is fecking amused. Amused!
The party was a big success, and the next day sure enough, me mam came knocking at our bedroom door at 6 a.m. to open gifts. Who's the child in the house? Take a guess, she's 4' 11" tall and answers to the name Maude.
So yesterday was Christmas officially at me house because me mam believes President Bush wanted it to be the 26th not the 25th. She did tell me late last night that she would be happy to have Christmas at her house next year in Eire on the right date. None of this American changing Christmas, no, no indeed.
So there you have the whole entirety of me bizarre holiday, a day later than yours, because of me crazy mam. I love her dearly I do, but she'd going to the home soon if she finds a way to change New Years Eve on me.
Gabe
Copyright © 2005 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
As you know me sainted parents came to spend the holidays in this glorious country with me and me bride. Well, begorrah me, it has been a time -- yes it has, but all in all I have survived thus far. Me da is a devilish old codger at times he be, and his favourite thing to say to me and the wife is: "There isn't any funny business going on is there?"
WHO DOES THAT, worse WHO SAYS THAT OUT LOUD?
If I hug the wife hello, he says, "OH BEGORRAH ME, lookie there Maude there be funny business goin' on there be."
And me sainted mother, God bless her petite little frame, would turn round and take a quick look and say, "Pshaw Robbie now they be young and in love, leave em' be."
Can I say here that me mam's name isn't Maude and me da isn't a Robbie. They call each other those names and I never bothered to ask why. Maybe they be in the witness protection programme, I've not a clue, but they are insane old people, I chalk it up to that.
Now back to the funny business. How much of this can one couple stand? This has been going on since when? I can't remember if they arrived in October or was it November or early December? It feels like they've been here FOREVER. They are supposed to leave the day after New Years but something tells me they be having too good a time and are here for the long haul. As me friend at work, Ben Lieberman says, OY VEY!
Because of the new baby, I volunteered to do most of the cooking and what have you for the holidays.
So here's the thing, as you know I made me famous mincemeat pies for Christmas Eve. At least I thought it was Christmas Eve. I did have to wonder what was going on when me wife and her little friends ate me first pie and left me cooking (what I though was) on Christmas Eve another mince pie. BUT, me wife failed to tell me that it wasn't REALLY Christmas Eve that I was baking me pie, it was the day before Christmas Eve.
Are you confused? Well, I surely was. Here is what happened. Two weeks ago, I came home from me work and I say to all gathered at the evening meal, "I have taken next week off to do Christmas shopping, to take mam and da to the shops if they want to go, and get things ready for the tree, the decorating, the whole of it AND, I don't have to be back to work until the 27th of this month because I be given Monday off for Christmas since it falls on a Sunday this year, as the government has closed offices for that day well, and I guess the paper thinks it will be a slow news day, so I be off!
Ok that was what I said near verbatim. Me poor mother is hard of hearing (she doesn't think so), so I thought maybe later, when things started to get bizarre around me house, she must have not heard a word I said properly. BECAUSE on Christmas Eve, I thought we were to have this open house thing that me wife had planned, but that day as I was baking me second mince pie, and helping getting things in order for the said party, I noticed me wife was rather laid back and doing not a whole hell of a lot.
She was having tea with me parents most of the day, eating cookies that she and mam had baked earlier in the week. It was odd I thought to meself, but I kept on until around five I knocked off for a shower and change of clothes for the party. When I got meself all done, I walked into the kitchen and the three of them were still at it, only they had graduated from tea and cookies to left over roast chicken sannys.
I was taken aback that no one was dressed for a party that was scheduled to start at 7:00, it being close to 6:30, and eating when I had a refrigerator full of food.
Me da took one look at me and said, "What funny business ya got on tap with ya Gabe?"
Me mam turned around and said to me, "My, my Gabriel, don't you look all nice, what's the occasion?"
Well, OK. Not funny business, just a party I was thinking except I be the only one having the party it looks.
I wanted to say, I wish I could say the same for you three gluttons. Of course I did not voice that. I sat down and watched them munch and talk about nothing in particular and no mention of guests arriving, all the time thinking they were old and had lost track of time and circumstance, until it hit me that me wife was not old so why was she doing the same thing they were?
I finally couldn't stand it any longer and said, "You know don't you, that people are going to begin to arrive and none of you are dressed for a party and we have to lay out all that food and such.
Well R. Linda, you would have thought a bomb went off. They stopped with food halfway to open mouths and just stared at me like I was the crazy one.
"What?" I asked.
"Gabe," me wife began gently like I was an idiot, "I thought someone told you that Christmas Eve is tomorrow, not tonight."
I looked at me watch and it said, December 24, 2005. I looked at her and pointed to me watch.
"Gabe," me wife said, laying a hand gently on my arm, "I know what day it is sweetheart, but YOU told your mother that the government was closed on Monday for Christmas and that even your own newspaper has given you the day off."
She blinked her eyes at me. I was like WHAT, WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THE LOT OF YOU? But instead, I said, "Honey, say what?"
"Gabe," me wife tried again, "We are celebrating Christmas on Monday."
WHO FREAKING DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? I put me head in me hands and kept them there trying to figure out whether I was caught in the Twilight Zone, or in a bad, very bad dream or if reality was really what I was experiencing. I felt Tonya's hand on me arm, tapping it gently as she tried again and I knew it was all too real.
"Gabe, YOUR mother said that since the government is celebrating Christmas on Monday, we should not get caught celebrating it on Sunday, because we could end up in jail."
I wanted to jump up and tear me hair out. But I looked through me fingers at her, me eyebrows hitting me hairline.
"Gabe, I told her the government didn't decree that, but YOUR mother wants to be safe and not sorry. Therefore, Gabe, we are going to have the Christmas Eve party tomorrow, on the 25th. And we'll be celebrating Christmas on the 26th just like the government." She said brightly.
Then she smiled really big, like that Cheshire cat in Alice In Wonderland, every tooth gleaming in her head almost blinding me and I was certainly convinced I be in Wonderland.
"And Gabe, I called everyone and told them THAT."
I shut her out by closing me fingers in front of me face and told meself, yes indeed Gabriel O' YOU are definitely dreaming.
Me mother tsked at me and got up to do dishes as me father cleared the table. As if they were embarrassed at their mentally impaired adult son. I took me hands down and looked at me wife.
"Ton, tell me this is a sick joke on your part." I whispered.
Her bottom teeth scraped her upper lip and her eyes rolled in her head and as she shook her head, it was no joke, I leaned forward and motioned her nearer.
"But Ton, tomorrow IS Christmas, no one and I say no one, is going to come here for a party on Christmas NIGHT," I hissed quietly.
"Oh ye of little faith," me deaf mother said obviously hearing me very clearly for a deaf person. "They be here because they all be celebratin' on Monday, the OFFICIAL holiday. You don't want President Bush mad at ye now do ya?"
Oh my God. CRAZY, SHE AND ALL OF THEM -- CRAZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEE!
Well R. Linda, the next day -- CHRISTMAS DAY - came and the flurry of activity that afternoon to set the old place up for a party began in earnest. I sat and watched in wonder, knowing perfectly well, we'd be the only party goers there. BUT I was wrong. There were a lot of people who came, to get away from the TOYS and noise of children arguing about what they got. I was amazed I was. They had celebrated Christmas and I was taking one such parent to inform me sainted and badly misinformed mam about that, when Tonya intercepted me with a "Don't you dare. You'll spoil her Christmas."
Spoil HER Christmas? What about mine? It was non-existent!
As for me da, all night at the party I kept saying to him, "Funny business is it? YOUR wife is full of funny business da." And he'd smile at me and chuckle. He didn't care when we celebrated it, he knew the truth and did nothing to correct it or warn his only son. Why? Because he loves that little woman who has ruled his life with an iron will for 40 some years. And continues to do so, and he is fecking amused. Amused!
The party was a big success, and the next day sure enough, me mam came knocking at our bedroom door at 6 a.m. to open gifts. Who's the child in the house? Take a guess, she's 4' 11" tall and answers to the name Maude.
So yesterday was Christmas officially at me house because me mam believes President Bush wanted it to be the 26th not the 25th. She did tell me late last night that she would be happy to have Christmas at her house next year in Eire on the right date. None of this American changing Christmas, no, no indeed.
So there you have the whole entirety of me bizarre holiday, a day later than yours, because of me crazy mam. I love her dearly I do, but she'd going to the home soon if she finds a way to change New Years Eve on me.
Gabe
Copyright © 2005 All rights reserved
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