21 August 2026
2005
R. Linda:
SO! After enduring accusations, an international phone argument, a Scottish investigation, the Dragon, Weasil, Sam, and Wolfie's grand entrance—all because me Mam moved a plate of sausages—I have survived all that and an entire crime over something that was never stolen in the first place. What is me life like?
With the sausage mystery solved, everyone stayed to eat them, which was me worst possible outcome because instead of people leaving, me Mam started cooking again. AND, I hadn't forgotten that Weasil and Sam really hadn't got to know each other. Sam was busy being attentive to Ms. Jaio, which was a good thing, but Weasil was slit-eyed, watching his every move.
I was thinking Wolfie interrupted the sausages; could I get him to interrupt the Weasil somehow?
I could see that once full of sausages, the Weasil remembered. I could almost hear his mind saying, "Wait a minute. Dissy 'ere is the fellow Fioner says is Gabe's new bestest bud."
Yup, and here I thought the crisis was finally over, only to discover the real crisis hadn't even started yet. Why do I feel escalating disaster coming me way? Because it did!
Sam was just sitting there, throwing a smile Ms. Jaio's way every so often. Or was that a smile to himself? That's when I looked at Sam; he looked at me. Then he smiled. That was when I knew we were all doomed. I realised me problem was not Weaz, but Sam!
Ugh, where was this fiasco going to go? I ask you. Weasil had brought some high-priced bottle of Scottish rotgut that he and Robbie expounded upon. They cracked it open for all of us to have a glass with the sausages. Wolfie declined; I should have known then it was strong stuff. Tonya and Ms. Jaio both choked on it, but Sam and I were good at covering how much we were struggling with it. Somehow Weasil knew this and went on bragging about how well he handles it. Sam became strangely interested in this. The more questions Sam asked, the more boastful Weasil got.
I started to realise Sam was plotting something, and I needed to stop him without alerting the women in particular, because whatever Sam was thinking of doing, the women would blame me.
So there we were, me watching Sam, Sam watching Weasil, Weasil obliviously running his mouth, Robbie encouraging him, Ms. Jaio suspicious, the Dragon entertained, me Mam believing for perhaps the first time all evening that everything had finally settled down, and then there was Tonya, buying none of it.
It was about that time that Sam said the most terrifying words I could possibly hear: "Here, Weasil, I've an idea."
Knowing Weasil, whatever challenge Sam had come up with, Weasil would simply not be able to refuse, because we are talking Weasil here, a slightly inebriated Weasil. Sam had talked with the lad long enough to know what button to push; I was certain of it.
Sam convinced Weasil that there is an old Irish/Scottish test of nerve called 'turgnamh misnigh' that Weasil AND Robbie never heard of. It means a trial of courage. Like walking into a haunted room and staying put for five minutes. Robbie immediately scoffed at that and said it was rubbish. That alone made Weasil more determined to prove he could do that. Sam insisted that every Irish lad knows about it, but I knew perfectly well Sam just invented the whole thing. And Weasil? Well, anything an Irish lad can do, a Scottish lad can do better!
And there I am thinking, Ah Jaysus. I see this setup developing too late to prevent it. The whole idea Sam had must have fallen in his lap when Robbie mentioned the old dilapidated house a few roads away. While we were eating the sausages and other goodies Mam had put out, Robbie mentioned that sinister old farmhouse and how spooky it looked as they passed by.
“What's that old wreck down the road?”
Before I can answer, Sam does.
“Oh, that place.”
I looked at him. That place? Sam knows something I was thinking. Then Sam very casually tells them there's a room upstairs nobody will stay in after dark.
The Weasil immediately scoffs.
Robbie: “Why?”
Sam shrugged.
“Door closes.”
The Weasil laughs. "Doors close, Sam. Dat's generally wot dey're fer."
Sam didn't react.
“Not like this one.”
Open it again.
And creeeeeeak.
Closes again.
Naturally, the Weasil announces that the entire thing is bollocks.
And Sam says:
“Probably.”
Sam was letting the Weasil challenge himself.
The Weasil asked whether Sam had actually seen it happen.
“Yep.”
“Then show me.”
“No.”
Now I know. And how did I know? Because Sam wanted Weasil to say that.
"And why notty?" Weasil asked, exasperated.
"It's dark. The place isn't safe. We'd be trespassing."
Every objection only made Weasil more determined to go there. Then Robbie made the fatal mistake: "I'd like to see it."
Now they were all going, except the two smart ladies: me Mam, and me wife.
Sam had embellished the house's history to the point where I almost believed him, but I knew better. He talked about voices in an attic room where doors close, and that if someone stayed in the room for five minutes, it would prove their courage.
I sat there like a man who had accidentally wandered into a room full of people carrying lit matches. Me worst fear was Wolfie. He left shortly after. He came to ask if the help he gave me in NI was satisfactory and to drop off a bottle of Irish whiskey I couldn't find while I was there. Seems he's on his way to see Capt. Jaack and me being along the route, it was convenient to drop off the bottle. After he left, I really felt catastrophe creeping up on me.
I remembered glancing at Wolfie earlier, who was looking at me, and I knew he knew before I did that Sam was setting Weasil up. He knew what turgnamh misnigh meant and nodded at me. I leaned toward him (I was sitting next to him), and he said quietly so only I heard, "Let it play out." I knew then he was aware that Sam had a plan and Weasil would walk into it, and that I should let it go. "Just desserts and all that," and then, raising his voice, he said he had to be on the road and couldn't stay for tea.
I walked back towards the kitchen after seeing Wolfie out. I stopped to regain me courage. I noticed this first: Sam wasn't engaging Weasil as much as Weasil was trying to engage Sam. Sam was being good, and Ms Jaio was maybe the reason. Was he trying to impress her? No insults were hurled Weasil's way; Sam hadn't even growled at some of the stupid things Weasil was saying. And Weasil was critiquing our Bigfoot adventure (See Story 1196, The Bigfoot Stakeout, 31 July 2026), and it wasn't flattering. Yet, Scotland was brought up several times by Robbie, who was oblivious to Weasil's poking at Sam. Yet, Sam was polite to Robbie, never made a disparaging remark about Scotland, sausages, or anything else for that matter.
When I stepped back in the kitchen, I heard Sam deliver the hook to Weasil, "Sure, if you're frightened, Weasil, just say so." I knew instantly, DONE, HE'S GOT HIM. And suddenly, they were up and getting ready to go to the old farmhouse. I looked over at Dragon, who had an innocent look on her face, which gave me pause, a lot of pause. Dragon hasn't had an innocent look on her face since 1987, and she wasn't innocent then either. What was up with the Dragon lady, I wondered.
I didn't have time to wonder, as Tonya said she was staying with Mam to clean up and get dessert ready for when we returned from our "great adventure."
"You going too?" Her daughter asked her mother.
"Oh, wouldn't miss this for the world." Said she. "Gabe's coming too."
"Like hell I am."
"You scared too?" Sam asked, like he was surprised.
And suddenly, ME—who saw the entire disaster coming—began trudging off behind Sam and the Weasil, while me Mam calls after us, "Don't be long, boys. Dessert's nearly ready."
Dessert. The woman was worried about dessert.
However, it was Sam, Ms. Jaio, Robbie, Weasil, Dragon and me all participating in the "great adventure." I just knew Sam was leading Weasil and me toward certain death; Robbie was following because apparently Scotland has no sense of self-preservation; Ms. Jaio was only going because Sam was; and Dragon, for some reason, had her phone out. All I could think was that Dragon knew this was going to be good and intended to have photographic evidence.
 |
| This be where we went |
"Here we are," Sam said as we came up the old driveway. "There is an old room upstairs where the door I told you about shuts by itself. That's when the voice comes through."
We all went inside. We had torches so we could see our way. Up two flights of rickety stairs we went single-file, Sam leading the way, Weasil behind him. There was a noise, and we all stopped dead in our tracks.
"What woz dot?" Me Chinese ex-intern said aloud. No one had any idea, but Sam said the old dumb waiter probably dropped with the vibration on the stairs. This sort of settled everyone's nerves, so we continued up the stairs, stepping lightly like we didn't want to wake the dead or the dumb waiter. Then I noticed Dragon at the bottom of the stairs. I motioned for her to come up, but she shook her head, no. I shrugged and continued to bring up the rear.
So six of us walked into the room. Within 3 seconds, the door creaked shut.
"Oh, thots yer mutha-in-law," Robbie says and goes to the door. No one there. He walked out, and there was Dragon at the bottom of the stairs. He walked back in, and it wasn't 1 second before he was back in the room; the door creaked shut again.
Weasil's face was set in determination to prove there is nothing frightening about the house.
Then . . . from somewhere inside the wall beside him, very faintly: "Weasil . . . "
We all heard it. This frightened the bejayus out of all of us. Ms. Jaio grabbed onto Sam. Sam stood there, looking perfectly innocent. Then the house said it again.
"Weeeeasil . . . "
The Weasil was out of that room like a greyhound.
Robbie, the fool, was doubled over laughing at his best friend running down the stairs like Seabiscuit running the Kentucky Derby. Ms. Jaio was yelling she was scared and wanted out NOW! I tried to get down the stairs without looking like I was running. And Dragon was recording everything. And Sam? Sam hadn't moved. When he was ready, he slowly made his way down the stairs with a shaking Ms. Jaio.
Well, it wasn't until today that I got the low-down from Sam on what actually happened in that house. Sam knew that the door to the attic room swings shut if somebody walks across a certain section of the room. He also knew the stairs vibrate enough that the dumb waiter shifts in the walls and makes a noise. He also knew an old speaking tube carried sound strangely through the house. Sam knew exactly where the other end of the tube was, at the bottom of the stairs in the hallway.
It seems Sam and Dragon were talking together when the sausage fiasco was taking place. Somehow, he enlisted her to be a "delicious" part of the conspiracy (she told me). If I had known any of this, the mere thought of that combination alone would have terrified me.
Oh, one note: once Ms Jaio found out what Sam arranged, well, we are back to square one. She's outta there, and he's single . . . again.
Gabe
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