The Return of "The Contraption"

17 September 2026

2014

R. Linda:

I now know what Ms Jaio must have felt, minus the panic, when I came up behind a work crew of five large trucks (amber lights flashing) and one pickup moving at 5 miles per hour on a double-line country road. We crept along, and I wondered when they'd turn off or if. Yes, a road crew that moved like a funeral procession down the long, winding road. I was taking the scenic route but didn't know that until then. Yes, I could count the leaves on the trees; we were THAT slow!

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have sat in me Saturn cursing the road crew for keeping me from me dinner. Because when I got home, guess who met me at the door — take a guess. I bet you can't figure it out, so let me help you.

Her mode of transportation is a broom; her favourite hat is black and pointed (see below):

One of these, but scarier

She cackles when she laughs, and she reads headlines like this: Fertilised eggs reveal new secrets about the world's biggest dinosaurs. She then gets in a panic: science has fertilised dino eggs to produce some gigantic monstrosity that will eat us. She gets in a huff when I try to correct the misreading to fossilised, and says, "Not everyone is blessed with a big brain like you." To wit, I wanted so badly to tell her it wasn't me big BRAIN that saved us from Jurassic Park. It was me EYESIGHT.

Yes, that person, the Dragon lady in all her Halloween glory, is a month early!

There she was standing at the door, looking every inch the owner of the house. She has one in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, but because HER daughter lives in my house, SHE somehow is its master.

I sighed. I got out of me car, trying to contain the unwelcome surprise and not slam the Saturn door so the inertia switch would go off (leaving me no escape), and with my briefcase in hand, came reluctantly to me door, where the dark shadow of the Dragon dominated the entrance.

"Mrs A, how are we?" I croaked at her.

"WE are just fine," said she, not asking after me, I noticed.

Reluctantly, she stepped aside and LET me enter me own home. I looked behind me, and she stayed by the door, as if waiting for someone. Then it hit me: she's probably waiting for WEASIL! Oh no, not these two AGAIN. I just got home; this wasn't how I wanted to end me day!

I didn't have long to wait; I had just set my briefcase down when I saw the red speed wagon come roaring to a stop, shy of hitting me own vehicle. And there he was, getting out of the Mustang, all smiles, struggling to pull something from the backseat. 

I craned me neck to see, and oh no! It was this AGAIN:

Oh boy. Here we go once more!

You don't know the joy of seeing this and HIM again.

SHE turned towards me and said, "You should help your friend. That looks heavy."

OH, my friend is it? I sighed and went down to help him, but he had it, and all I did was gently shut the car door. No sense tripping the inertia switch that would prevent him from leaving. I followed him into the kitchen with that thing, while SHE led the way. Of course, she would; it's her house while she's in "residence".

Dinner was cooking. I had lost me appetite. Tonya looked surprised to see Weasil, just like I did when I saw her mother! Mam 'tsked' and went back to stirring something on the stove. The boys all got up and ran to Weasil like mana was falling from heaven. 

"Get another plate, will you please, Gabe?" Tonya asked, trying hard to keep her displeasure from becoming front and centre.

"Well," I said with a big smile, after we were all seated for dinner. "Isn't this nice, everybody's here."

"And the contraption is here too!" Tonya said brightly, as if she were thrilled. She even gestured towards where it sat on the countertop like she was Vanna White. 

The three kiddos were enthralled. Exclamations rang out, but mostly "What is THAT?" more times than I can count.

"Yes, I see that," I said. "SO why is it back, Weasil?"

"OH! Cause da missus from New Jersey wanted to see it; iz why," he said, smiling and digging in.

I turned me attention to Lady Dragon.

"And why is that?"

"Because I wanted to see it, and I can probably tell our boy here what it is," she said smugly, like she could see things and know what they were telepathically. 

"Well, okay then." 

'Our boy'? Since when? I was wondering when that happened. I've heard Weasil called many things, usually not complimentary, but 'our boy'? Nah.

"I think as soon as dinner is over, Mother, you and he should get right to that, so your guest can get home before it's too dark," Tonya suggested sweetly.

Oh, Tonya, me darlin' girl. You be so clever, I sniggered and thought to meself.

"Oh, no, no, no," The Dragon clucked, "just looking at that thing, it's going to take some time. We have all week."

"We do?" I blurted out, and Tonya kicked me under the table to shut me gobhole. "I thought WE established it was nothing, just some Steampunk contraption." (See Story #2011 "Itz Worth Thousands" 6 September, 2026)

"YOU may have, but I haven't…yet," said the mightily insightful Dragon.

Well, let me make a long, sorry, story short: why don't I? It took no more than four hours—FOUR HOURS!—for the great scientific mind from the Pine Barrens to reach her conclusion.

"Hum, I may need a few days to hash out what that is." The Dragon surmised, much to my and Tonya's horror. 

Four hours to arrive at "I don't know." Brilliant!

And then, maybe a few more days? Over me dead body!

But brilliant is as brilliant does, me own eldest kiddo said this: "Have Coraline take a look; she's the scientist. If anyone can figure out what that thing is, she can."

I wanted to pick his big self up, spin him around and plant a big kiss on his red-bearded face! I was that thrilled that that was the answer all along. It would send Weasil roaring home and the Dragon flying home-- like that night! I was ever optimistic and filled to the brim with hope; I was.

And guess what? The Weasil left, yes, he did! He grabbed the contraption with him and couldn't get out of here quick enough. I helped him carry it to the Mustang, just to make certain there were no delays. 

That's one down. 

I turned around. 

The Dragon was still sitting there.

She was at her ease, shaking her head at O'Hare like he'd just deprived science of one of its greatest discoveries.

"You know," she said, "I could have figured that out if I had a few more days." 

I looked at Tonya. Tonya looked at me. Neither of us said a word. We didn't have to. That's when I thought about those five big trucks I'd been stuck behind on the way home. The flashing amber lights. Five miles an hour. Me sitting there in the Saturn, cursing every one of them because they were keeping me from me dinner. And I realised what a bloody fool I'd been.

They weren't keeping me from dinner. They were keeping me from HER. If I see that road crew tomorrow, I'm buying every man on it lunch. And, if they'll let me, I'm parking the Saturn behind them and following them all the way to…to…anywhere but New Jersey!

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved