The Linda Letters by Gabriel O'Sullivan: Who's your daddy?

577

19 September 2012

R. Linda:

All this brouhaha over Kate Middleton's anatomy, I had a completely unrelated memory that made me think of the time I was on assignment in England, and went to a horse show where the royals were competing. Yes, a moment in time with the horsey set. Only the horsey set turned out to be the entire family. I could not focus on anyone but the royals and with good reason. Talk about brouhaha I was never so confused to be among the royal family and so many horses all at the same time! I had a heck of a time trying to distinguish who were the royals and just who were the horses. But I digress!

I was told that me editor wanted a story on money, royals, expensive horses, money, the horse show circuit, and money. I was to get as much dirt on the royals throwing money around on everything horsey. Where to begin I thought? Well, as soon as I arrived I hired a car to the fairgrounds where the show was to take place. Me idea was to price out the saddles, bridles, martingales, boots, clothing, entry fees, all of it, and prove the expense was exorbitant. Ee-yah that was the idea.

It was very early in the morning, I hadn't any brekkie and I knew the royal stable was already in residence (horses and royals alike). I went first to the stable thinking I could get a beat on the pricey equipment. I found a stable boy who, when I asked, told me a royal was already about and I couldn't get access to the tack room. But I should perhaps like to watch the royal workout. There was only one royal schooling a horse, the rest hadn't broken breakfast, but they'd be along shortly he told me, so me access to the tack room and all the royal equipage would have to wait. And if I wanted, he'd take me down to the ring where the royal was exercising the horse.

I stood with him at the rail as a large chestnut hunter came whizzing by me ridden by another horse. I frowned at this, wondering how it was possible a horse could ride a horse until I realised the riding horse had human legs and arms, but under the riding helmet, the face was that of a horse! Talk about feeling like Alec in Wonderland, but I had to ask, "Uh, how is THIS possible?" I gestured to the horse and horse rider going around the ring. "I mean, the thing riding is a horse right?"

The stable boy squinted as he watched the subject of me question go around again, "Uh . . . well, now that you put it that way . . . "

What was put in me cup of morning Joe? I looked down at me styrofoam cup and then took the lid off and sniffed. No, smelt like coffee. I took a wee taste, it tasted like coffee. I had been breakfast-less so it wasn't something I ate. Maybe I had a stroke and didn't know it? Meanwhile, the stable boy had been studying the rider hard.

"I'm not sure that's a horse atop the horse," he said.

I looked again and damn if I wasn't seeing a horse riding a horse!

"What do you mean she's not a horse? Oh my God, now I be so freaked out. I thought she WAS a horse!"

I buried me face in me hands and rubbed me eyes thinking when I looked again, I'd see a human face but no, no, that didn't happen it was still a horse face.

"Ey Calvin," the stable boy called to a groom, "wots . . .who is that riding the chestnut?"

Calvin gave a gander and mumbled it was "Camilla . . . I think," he said walking on his way to wherever he had been going, his head turned in the direction of "Camilla" like he wasn't really sure. Oi!

"There ya 'ave it, Camilla." The stable boy said unconvincingly squinting hard at the rider.

I looked again and was totally amazed at how much like the horse Camilla looked. Why the resemblance was remarkable and the more I looked the more amazed I was!

"Op, 'ere cums another one," the stable boy said gesturing to a large black horse ridden by . . . I hate to say this, but what looked to me like another horse with human limbs. The stable boy opened the gate for "it" and let "it" in.

"Okay," said I, "So . . ." I made a small gesture at the new arrival.

"Wot, his horse-faced self ya mean?" The Stable boy whispered.

"Who be that? And if you don't know at least make a guess." I said, feeling very troubled that now I was seeing a second horse-faced rider. Yet when I looked at the stable boy he didn't have a horse face. The groom didn't have one either, so what was the deal? I was quite running me mind back a million years. Was that sweet-tart powder in the straw at the confection shop I used to buy after school really candy, OR was it . . . something else? And now it was kicking in after all these years and I was tripping out!

"I think that be . . ." There was a long pause, making me think I wasn't the only one tripping out. "'Ere let me guess . . . uh . . . Charles, Prince of Wales, yeah it be Charles ya can tell cause he has ears like a jackarse. See 'em sticking out from the helmet. Yup, it's Charles."

I looked long and hard and was really struggling to get over the strong resemblance of horse face and Charles's face, but yeah I was starting to see it a little. His ears twitched on either side of the helmet and there was hair growing out of them. All I could see was a donkey, so I shook me head trying to dispel the image, but when I looked back it was still there.

"Oh lookie 'ere we got us another one," the stable boy said as I turned around to see a large grey mare with YES another freaking horse atop it.

"I have to ask," I started, "I don't want to, but I have to."

"Say no more mate, that is Princess Anne. You can tell by how high that helmet is on that hair. She's got a forehead like a long-faced thoroughbred. Hey, I'm getting pretty good at this."

"Naff off!" I said jokingly and in moderate disbelief, until she passed by and I got a closer look. "My lord, they all look like their mounts," I mumbled to him.

It was then our attention was taken away by the sound of horse hooves and wagon wheels. We both turned at the same time to see a carriage pulled by four horses come up to within nine feet of us. In the driving seat was a horse dressed in a kilt. I was stunned and could say nothing, but I looked at me new friend with shock and awe written all over me face until I could just about hoarsely whisper, "Help me here. What am I looking at?"

"Uh . . . uh . . . uh. . . Philip, Prince Philip, ain't no horse driving the carriage, mate, just himself" he muttered to me, then he said, "A horse in a skirt is all."

"Ah ha, so it is," I said watching as the man sat looking at the ring of . . . relatives. "I don't know if I can do this," I said to the stable boy as if he'd care. "I am having a hard time. Is it me, is there an uncanny resemblance between Princess Anne and her horse? She and Camilla have certain pronounced facial characteristics in common with their horses and I be having a problem distinguishing between the horses and the royals riding them."

"'Ere lookie there, him there Charlie with the long face, looks more mulish now don't he?"

"Oh, why is he pulling a long face? He looks like he's about to bray." I commented through me teeth. He was arguing with his sister over something and he sounded like he was braying almost with a heehaw and she with a whinnneee, and there you had Camilla SNORTING. I felt the need to run away but was rooted to the spot, my brain trying very hard to accept what it was seeing. I felt sick to me tum I did. Lightheaded as well, and thinking I had lost it, but wait, me buddy next to me was seeing them too. Yes, he saw horses riding horses and a jackarse on a horse and another one sitting in a wagon wearing a skirt. I was sweating I was, from sheer nerves!

"Look at it this way mate, at least you can tell the jackarse from the two horses out there."

"I suppose, there is that," I said shaking me head.

"Maybe there is something to the old rumour where it is said Philip, being of Greek ancestry, was really descended from a horse. You know all that Greek mythology about the half horse, half human, well . . . " he gestured at Philip, "a good example of the evolutionary process." Me new found friend offered up in way of explanation the only explanation that seemed to make sense at the time.

I was stunned, I looked at the stable boy and was bloody impressed by what he said. I looked at all four of them, and sure enough, the resemblance to the four-legged creatures was astoundingly obvious.

Later that day, the competition took place and of course, the royals won. I chalked it up to their close ancestry with their mounts. The stable boy, when not taking a horse to the stables, would stand next to me and give me a blow-by-blow of the horse bloodlines and we'd tick them off with the royals until somehow we had them intermingled. By the end of the show, I was convinced I had been watching horses ride horses in Greek fashion. I know that makes not a bit of sense to you, but at the time, it made perfect sense to me.

So "lookie here" as me stable boy mate would say, is it me, or is there a resemblance to the equine species? Look at the royal than the horse and you tell me there is NO resemblance. Because quite frankly, that's all I can see is two horses per picture.