26 June 2026
1176
R. Linda:
I am beside meself. This Dragon visit has got the best of me, it has. I want one day off from not hearing strange sentences issuing from the mouth of the Dragon lady. Usually, she reads a headline wrong, and what she spouts makes Tonya and me question her, and then we have to look for ourselves to see the Dragon lady read the headline wrong. Why is this? As you know, she's as blind as a bat.
Now, her hearing is going. Just yesterday, I took her to the Genny (general store), and as we passed the church, there was a sign out, so I jokingly told her she should go to church on Sunday. "The sign says 'Worship at the lake this Sunday'. Perhaps you should go. The lake be a pretty place."
She looked at me aghast and said, "Horseshit at the lake? It says horseshit? What? Why are they bringing horseshit to the lake? I don't understand you New Englanders at all."
So now I be a New Englander, not "that Irishman." I don't know which is better. While being "that Irishman," I get told how I can't speak English correctly, how I dress like a hooligan, how I be lazy as the Irish are known for (this be news to me), what a drunken lot we be, etc. Now, as a New Englander, I am cold, impersonal, imperfect, more interested in my tractor (I don't have one) than in people, and on it goes.
I have ignored all this for the most part to keep harmony in me abode. Tonya does defend me at times, but I defend meself more often than not and do a decent job of it. However, the nitpicking doesn't seem to let up, no matter what I do. If she isn't at me, she's reading off headlines that are inaccurate, and that drives me up a pole, it does. Now, this second problem, not hearing what is said or understanding what is said, is starting to get to me.
I was just this morning saying to Tonya as she was fixing snacks for the wee ones' day at day camp, I said, "Kids make nutritious snacks all by themselves," and before I could say, he is capable of making his own, the Dragon pipes up with this gem: "Since when are kids ingredients in snacks?"
She got a "Huh" from both of us on that one.
I should have been warned, just by that. But I have taken to reading the headlines so she won't. It has backfired royally on me.
There was this. I said, "Tonya, the hospital is being sued by the 7 foot doctors, finally," and Dragon's comment was, "Oh my, you have tall doctors here." I am not even going to explain this one.
And this: "'Police begin a campaign to run down jaywalkers,' I think that's a good thing." And her response: "Oh my, that's aggressive action if ever I heard of any. What is wrong with you, Gabriel?"
Tonya's summer class of kiddos has been following the panda bears at the zoo. And she said to me this morning how disappointed the kiddos were because "Panda mating failed, so the veterinarian took over," and there was a loud, "OH MY GOODNESS ME! MEN!" We knew what she thought.
Then, also this morning, the bridge I take as a shortcut to the highway was still closed. I said to Tonya, "Ah, the red tape is holding up the bridge, that means detours for old Gabe." The Dragon looked up and said to me, "How does that work? You have tape strong enough to hold up a bridge?"
Is it me? I don't think so.
I don't know whether it be her eyes, her ears, or just the Dragon refusing to let the world make any sense. Maybe it be all three working together in a grand conspiracy to finish me off.
I used to think patience was one of me finer qualities. After this visit, I know patience has a breaking point, and mine be somewhere between "horseshit at the lake" and "seven-foot doctors."
The sad part is, every morning I wake up determined to keep me mouth shut. Then I open it just once, and out comes another Dragon gem that leaves Tonya and me staring at one another, wondering if we've somehow slipped into a different universe.
So is it me? I don't think so.
Then again, if the Dragon tells this story when she gets home, I'll probably find out I've been feeding veterinarian-made panda snacks to jaywalkers while holding up a bridge with red tape. And somehow, I'll still be "that Irishman" who can't speak English.
Gabe
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