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R. Linda:
I be so glad I be not living in Newry. Me Mam rang to see how the family was and we caught up on the news here and over there. Seems me Da be at his wits end with his older sister. She be seven years his senior and as each year passes, she gets a bit more nuts.
The last time I visited there, me Da told me that me Auntie June was complaining the price of dog food had gone up, and he said, "But June, ye have no dog, so what does it matter?"
Well, she begged to differ with him, indeed she did have a dog. Mimi was it's name and he had seen the dog when he was over last, didn't he remember? Well, yes he did remember Mimi the CAT, did she mean the price of cat food then? No, says she, Mimi be a dog and dog food has got pricey.
Me poor Da, he shook his head at this. There was nothing to say, and to argue would be an exercise in futility. But Mimi was a cat, had been a cat for 8 years and me Da doubted Mimi had transformed one day into a dog. I remember shortly after we went by to see her and there was Mimi, a striped grey tiger CAT and no dog anywhere in the flat. When me Da pointed this fact out, me Auntie stopped pouring tea and looked hard at old Mimi. For a minute there we thought the clouds had parted and she could clearly see the cat for what it was, a CAT. But then, her eyes squinted and she said, "Ye both be daft that's a dog."
I understood me father took her to eye doctor after I left, but doctor could find nothing wrong with her vision. So to this day Mimi the cat is a dog. And probably being fed dog food and most probably none too happy about it.
Now me Mam tells me Auntie June was telling her she had to walk the eight blocks to work the other day. She was late for work and by block number seven she was pooped. SO she turned around and went back home to get the car. She hopped in and arrived early. Okay besides the obvious of what be wrong with this picture, there be a whole lot more wrong than meets the eye. For one, me Auntie June has been retired for near over ten years, she worked for the rectory of St. Joseph's right next door to where she has lived for over fifteen years as a director of St. Joe's charities. So there was no eight blocks to walk. And lastly, she never owned a car in her life. She told me Mam the car had been parked out front of her building with the keys in it and she naturally assumed it was her own. I don't know what we are going to do with her. She be lucky the owner didn't notice it gone and she end up in the nick accused of grand theft auto.
The last time I saw her was after me Da and I established that Mimi was still a cat, at me brother-in-law's 34th birthday. Most the entire family was gathered for the big event which was a combination of his birthday and me being back to visit from the States. I had been sitting in the arbour with me sister talking when suddenly she stopped and looked toward the street. There getting out of me parent's car be a munchkin in a huge turban. Begorrah me, it was me Auntie June, her head wrapped in colourful head scarves looking like the Sultan of Brunei. I turned to me sissy and said, "Has she had head surgery?"
"Uh no, she does that."
"Does what?" I wanted to know.
"That. She knots scarves together and then winds them around her head because she doesn't like how her hair looks."
"Oh, and this be an improvement is it? A bit much don't you think?" I said watching her totter on spindly bowed legs slowly progressing up the grassy embankment, me parents on either side of her helping her up the slope. She looked like a Martian slowly coming to invade single handedly. I didn't know what to think.
When she saw me, she called out if it were me and I got up and went over to say hello and give her the kisses on the cheek that is the way we O'Sullivan's greet each other. She took one look at me and said, "Gabe honey, where the feck is the rest of your family?"
Feck? Me Auntie who worked for the Brothers at St. Joe's all those years and who still lived next to them, said the word "feck?" I thought I didn't hear right. I told her everyone was inside helping get ready for the festivities and she said, "Well, let me fecking get in there, I should be fecking helping too!"
I looked at me parents who were standing there big eyed, with mouths pursed, looking at each other like they were trying not to say a word. Me sister took Auntie inside with me Mam and I looked at me dad for an explanation.
"Well, I think she's possessed. I think Lucifer had nothing to do of late and thought what better way then to get out and about by inhabiting your Auntie June's body."
Bless my soul! I looked at him quite disturbed he'd be offering this explanation up to me.
"Lucifer? Really? THE Lucifer of dark demon status? Is residing inside me Auntie June, for no other reason than to wreck havoc on the O'Sullivan family?"
"Well, what be the other explanation?" He said.
"Dementia? Something more like that where an exorcism isn't necessary, maybe medication?" I suggested.
"Oh no, we have none of THAT running in the family. No, I think she took a wrong turn somewhere and he decided she was easy pickens."
I shook me head at me superstitious Catholic Da.
"Let me get this right Da, you think truly, Auntie June is possessed by the devil himself and that's why . . . " I waved me head in the general direction of where she had gone off to, "she looks like Professor Quirrel from Harry Potter? The demon is under THAT turban?"
He shrugged. What other explanation was there in his mind? No mental illness on the O'Sullivan side of the family that he knew of and we weren't about to start a line now. I sighed and followed him indoors.
There in the kitchen was me Auntie swearing like a sailor. She was into food presentation and where things should be and was directing everyone within earshot where to 'fecking' put this and where to 'fecking' put that, and every other word was the 'f' word and I don't mean food. It was like, had she been on the high seas with Captain Bligh? Her talk was as salty as an old salt out on the sea too long.
I noticed me sister with her hands over her daughter's ears leading the four year old out of the room so her innocent ears wouldn't be subject to the cussing going on. Me nephew Dan the man was sitting on a kitchen chair, saying to his cousin, "Feck it move the egg salad here and feck this, where the bloody hell are the fecking toast chips, feck has anyone seen me fecking turban?"
Me brother-in-law swatted him upside the head and made a motion with his head to leave the kitchen area and mouthed, "or have your mouth rinsed with soap." Dan took the former road and left with his cousin snickering as they went. I saw them later with towels wrapped around their heads laughing their fool arses off.
The whole of the party, the small children walked by me with their parent's hands attached to their young ears, and the young teens among them were having a great time saying "feck" this and "feck" that, and when caught, would tell the reprimanding parent that Auntie June says it, so it has to be an ok word. Oh saints preserve us all! And in the middle of it by the food where everyone would have to pass by sooner or later, was me Auntie dressed like a gypsy woman, the turban a good twelve inches of material sticking out from her head, somehow bobble heading it and dishing out food at the same time. I walked up with me plate, totally capable as was most everyone else of dishing out me own food, but that wasn't what happened, me Auntie was doing the dishing out.
"Gabriel, you are so fecking skinny we need to put some meat on your fecking bones, how about some of your sister's fecking potato salad and oh, here have some of this fecking kielbasa Paulie's fecking wife made."
She seemed alert enough, until I noticed me sister's cat Intrigue (yes, that is what they named it) came trotting by looking for scraps on the ground.
"Will someone get that fecking dog out of here? He'll eat all the fecking food!" Auntie shouted waving a serving spoon at the 'dog'.
Me Da looked at her as he chewed on a pickle. I could see what he was thinking as he shook his head. He pulled out his mobile and punched in Father Dugin's number. Yup, I needed to catch a plane home fast and be out of there before we had a full blown exorcism going. I shook me head too and said to him, "I guess you're right, Lucifer had nothing better to do, so I be sure he be in possession of Auntie." With that I walked off to the arbour where sound didn't carry.
I found out later, that Father D was treated to a nice tea and chat as the 'dog' rubbed against his black trousered legs living its fur as a calling card, purring it's pleasure at doing so. Now this could all end sadly with either me Auntie being committed, which me Man was all in favour of, or being subject to exorcism as me Da was in favour of, but no, neither happened. What happened was Father D suggested me Auntie either move, or not keep company with the new tenants in her building. Seems there are four merchant seamen moved in and they have befriended Auntie over the months, and she makes them dinner and such, and they "fecking" think she be a "fecking good old broad" and neighbour. Their attention has made her feel a bit younger and gayer and so, in the course of her friendship with them, she has adopted new words of speech to fit in with their joking and such. Yup, she has been with sailors, I told me Da, "Ah ha! I was right!" As if, but whatever, it sounded like a fun thing to quip at him, the man who truly believed Lucifer himself had landed in Auntie's turban.
Now the problem be she has discovered the Internet and she's set herself up in a chatroom as an advice specialist. So Lucifer must be working overtime because I understand the advice she gives goes something like this:
Chatroom question: I don't want to appear the alcoholic, so how can I hide this fact from me neighbours?
Auntie June: Go out and buy a fecking six pack and wait fifteen fecking minutes between buying each pack. That way no one will be the fecking wiser.
Chatroom question: I be trying to give up smoking tobacco. Any suggestions for when I get the urge for a fag?
Auntie June: Call a friend over and have drinks until the fecking urges be gone.
Now with this kind of help, do you think Lucifer is really in there? Is me father right afterall?
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
I be so glad I be not living in Newry. Me Mam rang to see how the family was and we caught up on the news here and over there. Seems me Da be at his wits end with his older sister. She be seven years his senior and as each year passes, she gets a bit more nuts.
The last time I visited there, me Da told me that me Auntie June was complaining the price of dog food had gone up, and he said, "But June, ye have no dog, so what does it matter?"
Well, she begged to differ with him, indeed she did have a dog. Mimi was it's name and he had seen the dog when he was over last, didn't he remember? Well, yes he did remember Mimi the CAT, did she mean the price of cat food then? No, says she, Mimi be a dog and dog food has got pricey.
Me poor Da, he shook his head at this. There was nothing to say, and to argue would be an exercise in futility. But Mimi was a cat, had been a cat for 8 years and me Da doubted Mimi had transformed one day into a dog. I remember shortly after we went by to see her and there was Mimi, a striped grey tiger CAT and no dog anywhere in the flat. When me Da pointed this fact out, me Auntie stopped pouring tea and looked hard at old Mimi. For a minute there we thought the clouds had parted and she could clearly see the cat for what it was, a CAT. But then, her eyes squinted and she said, "Ye both be daft that's a dog."
I understood me father took her to eye doctor after I left, but doctor could find nothing wrong with her vision. So to this day Mimi the cat is a dog. And probably being fed dog food and most probably none too happy about it.
Now me Mam tells me Auntie June was telling her she had to walk the eight blocks to work the other day. She was late for work and by block number seven she was pooped. SO she turned around and went back home to get the car. She hopped in and arrived early. Okay besides the obvious of what be wrong with this picture, there be a whole lot more wrong than meets the eye. For one, me Auntie June has been retired for near over ten years, she worked for the rectory of St. Joseph's right next door to where she has lived for over fifteen years as a director of St. Joe's charities. So there was no eight blocks to walk. And lastly, she never owned a car in her life. She told me Mam the car had been parked out front of her building with the keys in it and she naturally assumed it was her own. I don't know what we are going to do with her. She be lucky the owner didn't notice it gone and she end up in the nick accused of grand theft auto.
The last time I saw her was after me Da and I established that Mimi was still a cat, at me brother-in-law's 34th birthday. Most the entire family was gathered for the big event which was a combination of his birthday and me being back to visit from the States. I had been sitting in the arbour with me sister talking when suddenly she stopped and looked toward the street. There getting out of me parent's car be a munchkin in a huge turban. Begorrah me, it was me Auntie June, her head wrapped in colourful head scarves looking like the Sultan of Brunei. I turned to me sissy and said, "Has she had head surgery?"
"Uh no, she does that."
"Does what?" I wanted to know.
"That. She knots scarves together and then winds them around her head because she doesn't like how her hair looks."
"Oh, and this be an improvement is it? A bit much don't you think?" I said watching her totter on spindly bowed legs slowly progressing up the grassy embankment, me parents on either side of her helping her up the slope. She looked like a Martian slowly coming to invade single handedly. I didn't know what to think.
When she saw me, she called out if it were me and I got up and went over to say hello and give her the kisses on the cheek that is the way we O'Sullivan's greet each other. She took one look at me and said, "Gabe honey, where the feck is the rest of your family?"
Feck? Me Auntie who worked for the Brothers at St. Joe's all those years and who still lived next to them, said the word "feck?" I thought I didn't hear right. I told her everyone was inside helping get ready for the festivities and she said, "Well, let me fecking get in there, I should be fecking helping too!"
I looked at me parents who were standing there big eyed, with mouths pursed, looking at each other like they were trying not to say a word. Me sister took Auntie inside with me Mam and I looked at me dad for an explanation.
"Well, I think she's possessed. I think Lucifer had nothing to do of late and thought what better way then to get out and about by inhabiting your Auntie June's body."
Bless my soul! I looked at him quite disturbed he'd be offering this explanation up to me.
"Lucifer? Really? THE Lucifer of dark demon status? Is residing inside me Auntie June, for no other reason than to wreck havoc on the O'Sullivan family?"
"Well, what be the other explanation?" He said.
"Dementia? Something more like that where an exorcism isn't necessary, maybe medication?" I suggested.
"Oh no, we have none of THAT running in the family. No, I think she took a wrong turn somewhere and he decided she was easy pickens."
I shook me head at me superstitious Catholic Da.
"Let me get this right Da, you think truly, Auntie June is possessed by the devil himself and that's why . . . " I waved me head in the general direction of where she had gone off to, "she looks like Professor Quirrel from Harry Potter? The demon is under THAT turban?"
He shrugged. What other explanation was there in his mind? No mental illness on the O'Sullivan side of the family that he knew of and we weren't about to start a line now. I sighed and followed him indoors.
There in the kitchen was me Auntie swearing like a sailor. She was into food presentation and where things should be and was directing everyone within earshot where to 'fecking' put this and where to 'fecking' put that, and every other word was the 'f' word and I don't mean food. It was like, had she been on the high seas with Captain Bligh? Her talk was as salty as an old salt out on the sea too long.
I noticed me sister with her hands over her daughter's ears leading the four year old out of the room so her innocent ears wouldn't be subject to the cussing going on. Me nephew Dan the man was sitting on a kitchen chair, saying to his cousin, "Feck it move the egg salad here and feck this, where the bloody hell are the fecking toast chips, feck has anyone seen me fecking turban?"
Me brother-in-law swatted him upside the head and made a motion with his head to leave the kitchen area and mouthed, "or have your mouth rinsed with soap." Dan took the former road and left with his cousin snickering as they went. I saw them later with towels wrapped around their heads laughing their fool arses off.
The whole of the party, the small children walked by me with their parent's hands attached to their young ears, and the young teens among them were having a great time saying "feck" this and "feck" that, and when caught, would tell the reprimanding parent that Auntie June says it, so it has to be an ok word. Oh saints preserve us all! And in the middle of it by the food where everyone would have to pass by sooner or later, was me Auntie dressed like a gypsy woman, the turban a good twelve inches of material sticking out from her head, somehow bobble heading it and dishing out food at the same time. I walked up with me plate, totally capable as was most everyone else of dishing out me own food, but that wasn't what happened, me Auntie was doing the dishing out.
"Gabriel, you are so fecking skinny we need to put some meat on your fecking bones, how about some of your sister's fecking potato salad and oh, here have some of this fecking kielbasa Paulie's fecking wife made."
She seemed alert enough, until I noticed me sister's cat Intrigue (yes, that is what they named it) came trotting by looking for scraps on the ground.
"Will someone get that fecking dog out of here? He'll eat all the fecking food!" Auntie shouted waving a serving spoon at the 'dog'.
Me Da looked at her as he chewed on a pickle. I could see what he was thinking as he shook his head. He pulled out his mobile and punched in Father Dugin's number. Yup, I needed to catch a plane home fast and be out of there before we had a full blown exorcism going. I shook me head too and said to him, "I guess you're right, Lucifer had nothing better to do, so I be sure he be in possession of Auntie." With that I walked off to the arbour where sound didn't carry.
I found out later, that Father D was treated to a nice tea and chat as the 'dog' rubbed against his black trousered legs living its fur as a calling card, purring it's pleasure at doing so. Now this could all end sadly with either me Auntie being committed, which me Man was all in favour of, or being subject to exorcism as me Da was in favour of, but no, neither happened. What happened was Father D suggested me Auntie either move, or not keep company with the new tenants in her building. Seems there are four merchant seamen moved in and they have befriended Auntie over the months, and she makes them dinner and such, and they "fecking" think she be a "fecking good old broad" and neighbour. Their attention has made her feel a bit younger and gayer and so, in the course of her friendship with them, she has adopted new words of speech to fit in with their joking and such. Yup, she has been with sailors, I told me Da, "Ah ha! I was right!" As if, but whatever, it sounded like a fun thing to quip at him, the man who truly believed Lucifer himself had landed in Auntie's turban.
Now the problem be she has discovered the Internet and she's set herself up in a chatroom as an advice specialist. So Lucifer must be working overtime because I understand the advice she gives goes something like this:
Chatroom question: I don't want to appear the alcoholic, so how can I hide this fact from me neighbours?
Auntie June: Go out and buy a fecking six pack and wait fifteen fecking minutes between buying each pack. That way no one will be the fecking wiser.
Chatroom question: I be trying to give up smoking tobacco. Any suggestions for when I get the urge for a fag?
Auntie June: Call a friend over and have drinks until the fecking urges be gone.
Now with this kind of help, do you think Lucifer is really in there? Is me father right afterall?
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
