24 March 2012
511
R. Linda:
Oh my God, you will never in a hundred years guess what has happened while I had me back turned and been working my arse off. As you know this be me busy time, what with the primaries and all, so I have been travelling a wee bit and me nose has been to the grindstone. So my wife, her MOTHER and father along with ME OWN ol'wans have gone and done the unthinkable. Are you sitting down? I wish I had been lying down when I was HIT, yes R. Linda, HIT with the news that WE (that's all of us, Ton and meself, along with her dragon of a mother and her gold chain-wearing Jersey Shore da AND me very own sarcastic grey haired, apple-cheeked Mam and me very own grumpy Da) will be taking a tour of IRELAND. Like I have never seen it before!
WHAT IS THIS? I ask you.
I thought it was a joke. At first, I laughed I did, but Tonya wasn't laughing. No, she was serious. I said to her, "But Tonya I've seen the old sod, lived there for most of me life . . . "
"Well, I just thought it would be a good bonding experience with our respective parents and us in the middle to keep the peace."
"You mean us in the middle to keep them from killing one another." I said with a sigh, then I said, "WHY on the bloody green earth of Ireland WOULD me parents need a tour of the place they have lived all their lives? AND me too for that matter?"
"They don't Gabe," Tonya said getting a little irritated, "My mom thought it would be a great way to get to know your mom and Ireland all at the same time."
"WHY?" I was suspicious. This was new and alarming. What was the purpose? To befriend my very own apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam to get information, damaging information I might add, like stupid stories about yours truly so Dragon could regale the rest of HER family with, and me turning red-faced at a holiday table? Yes, that was it, had to be.
"Because she always wanted to see Ireland so she thought being with people from there we'd get a good deal of local information and have a better time."
I thought about that, but really? This was the first I heard Dragon 'always' wanted to see Ireland. Since when? I had to sit down, it was all too much, but it got worse because next up I was told we were all BOOKED to go.
"Holy cow shite Batman!" I said looking at the tickets for Aer Lingus and then worse, the . . . oh let me lie down and type this last because I ended up passed out on the floor when I saw . . . when I saw . . . oh this be very hard to get out . . . WHEN I FREAKING SAW WE WERE ALL BOOKED ON A . . . TOUR! It took a few minutes to revive me on this, but when I came to, I took another look at the infernal piece of printed paper and passed out again! Finally, when I was able to calm me fluttering heart and stop batting me eyes at that damn paper, I croaked, "A tour? Are you serious? WE are all taking a TOUR? A tour of my own country? With Irish tour guides? Why aren't we renting a car or a van in this case and me driving us around? Why a TOUR?" I bellowed the word. "That includes hotels, meals, petrol, and worse than anything three women visiting SHOPS for souvenirs! And you have got to know the TOUR will take us to places where the prices be jacked up because it is a TOUR for TOURISTS who don't know any better." I started losing all hope and me sanity all at the very same time.
"Because," Tonya said standing above me with the dreaded printed matter in her hand, "this way you and your parents get to relax and let someone else do the driving and tour guiding."
"Uh-huh," I said from the floor. I wagged a finger up at the printed paper. "I can't believe this."
"So listen up Gabe," said she (all superiour sounding), "Mom and Dad will fly up to Boston and meet us at Logan. We'll fly over to Dublin where your parents will have flown in the night before. From there we'll go up the east coast to Belfast (stopping at sights along the way) and we'll go to the Giants Causeway (I know my mom would love to see THAT), and then down the west coast and end up in Shannon. Along the travel route, we'll stop at all the places that are on the tour and we'll be staying in castles the whole route."
"Wonderful," I croaked up at her. "Can't wait." OH YES, I CAN! That's what I want right off to fly in a plane for five hours with the Dragon Lady. I did ask why she and he couldn't fly from New York since they were going to anyway, but the wife said she thought it would be nice if she could sit with her mother and me, with Abdullah senior gold chains, suntan, and sunglasses, looking the older Jersey Shore guy that he be, probably flexing his bulging muscles all the way over. Oh, goody. I did, if you remember, have the Dragon and me Mam and Da thing once before and there was a stupid argy over pumpkins or some such drivel that nearly drove me to drink when I was trapped with all of them in the car. I really didn't want an instant replay of THAT. (See Oh my God! Nov. 2, 2010)
"Oh, and we'll be in Shannon an additional night."
"Why, oh bloody hell why?" I moaned from my place on the floor.
"Stop that and get up," she said, her hands on her hips. I knew she meant business, so wimpy me got up as she said, "This way since we have the extra night if we find we didn't buy something we can get it at the duty-free shop at the airport."
"Oh hold on Tonya, as a LOCAL, I know that airport and it's a joke that shop. They purposely supply it with leprechaun dolls and trinkets Americans think are Irish keepsakes. Then they jack up the price and someone like YOU goes and purchases these silly things and the Irish behind the counter snicker to themselves as they take your money." And then I saw something on that tour brochure that caught me eye. I grabbed it from her and read what I thought I saw.
"NO, NO, NO! No way." I said. "WE or at the very least I, am not going to the Taylor's Three Rock! NO WAY in hell!"
"Why? Why not? What is it?" She said taking it out of me hands. "It says, "Enjoy Danny Boy and other Irish favourites, dances, music and humour for which the Irish are famous." So the problem is?"
"The problem be, THAT venue be for Q-tip tourists and the Danny Boy thing, isn't Irish as you well know, and the guy who sings it? Tom Jones wannabe type, then the dancing be like going to an Irish dance RECITAL, and the music be like old Moe learned (sort of) to play the Uilleann Pipes and YOU are trapped listening to him, and then there be these two guys, one with the dance shoes the other with a Bodhran drum and in the middle is a screen flashing pictures of old Irish castles as they drum and dance like when me two cousins were nine and ten and uncle Mick thought it professional to have the screen between them and entertain the old folks with flashing pictures of the old sod! And finally, there are two old guys who come out and make jokes, one dressed like a clown the other in a suit and well, it's bloody DEPRESSING! Other than that nothing be wrong with it Tonya."
"And you know this how?"
"Because when I started in the news business, this guy from Germany who I was interviewing, asked me to go with him since he didn't know anyone in Dublin and well, there ya go Tonya! It was excruciating, I wanted to tear me hair out. I wiggled in my chair I was THAT uncomfortable! And no amount of Jameson helped because after I passed out I opened my eyes and the show was STILL going on!"
"You jest." She said and walked off.
I ran after her hollering for her to wait up. She turned around with a WHAT NOW expression on her face.
"Tonya, my darling, I -- don't -- want -- to -- be -- on -- a -- tour -- with -- old -- people."
"Look at this itinerary Gabe, it's wonderful. We have a personal limo with a driver who is our guide. We spend a nice day in Dublin maybe see the Book of Kells, go to a pub, okay not that pub, but a pub and take in the local colour. How about Temple Bar? See, you are nodding, there you go and then the next day we'll start off for Belfast after a leisurely morning in Dublin? Yes, see you are liking that and go north to YOUR part of Ireland. Uh-huh."
"Wait a mo, Belfast is NOT me part of Ireland. Belfast be a grey dreary place if the sun isn't out and it usually isn't."
"So," she said, as if I never made a protest, "we continue up the coast to the Nine Glens, your mother suggested there, and then on to the Bushmills Distillery (your father suggested THAT) and then onto Ballymena, and Antrim to the Giants Causeway which I WANT to see, then back to Belfast for the night. Then the next day we'll depart for Armagh, Enniskillen and Sligo, my dad wants to see William Butler Yeat's resting place."
"Oh a graveyard, swell," I interjected and she ignored me.
"We'll visit the Belleek Pottery place, my mother wants to go there, then we'll be off to the coast and we'll stay at the seashore. Then if we feel like sightseeing we can continue south to Cong and Connemara. We ARE staying at that castle in Sligo your sister suggested."
"Me sister? She's in this too? Please tell me she and the Dolan person aren't meeting up with us for THAT."
"No, we, they, aren't. We'll see some of the ruins and make our way to Galway Bay and finally finish up in Shannon." She said all triumphant, as if we were Napoleon's Army conquering Ireland. Oi.
"Let me see that paper," I gestured for it and took a good look. I collapsed into a chair I did, the price of this adventure was well over $4000. The hotels, well there was the hotel in Dublin that I had known of, and for one that wasn't cheap, the other on the west coast wasn't either, the castles, all five stars along with the hotels. And we were booked DELUXE ROOMS. I had stopped breathing long enough to concern my wife I was dead, and she called me name several times and pounded me on the back trying to bring me back. Unfortunately, she did.
"I don't see our name on anything but the airline tickets. This is all in your parent's name." Me brain was thinking there may be a way out of this yet.
"Yes, Mother made the reservations," Tonya said.
"But . . . but . . . what about the kiddos?" I asked suddenly enlightened.
"Not to worry, they are staying with my sister and her husband."
Uh-oh. Not the home invaders, never THEM. They will take the kiddos around invading homes and then by the time we get back from Ireland, the kiddos will think that's fine to do. Manners -- out the window! OR, they may not recognise us. This last I voiced in concern to me wife. (See How I Spent Me Thanksgiving AKA The Home Invaders Nov 28, 2011)
"Don't be ridiculous, it's only eight or nine days."
"Eight or nine? Which is it? Does that mean it can be extended to ten, or eleven days? Tonya, I won't stand for it!"
"Oh calm down, this isn't costing you a penny."
I stopped talking, I stopped moving, I sat there and let THAT bit of information sink into me panicked brain. Not a penny did she say? I looked up at her. Then who was this costing? The last thing I wanted was to be beholden to her MOTHER.
"I was saving for a trip to Disney World, you know take the kiddos, just you and me, and the rest of the family NOT INCLUDED," I said wistfully because I didn't believe I heard right and I was back in defensive mode.
"I know we are," she said. "I used all our American Express points. Free, the whole of it."
I had wanted to do that for Disney World. I said that too.
"It's been what 6, 7 years we've had these points hanging around? We might as well use them, and by the time LaGuardia is old enough to go to Disney World we'll have accumulated points again. What is wrong with you?" She was getting mad now.
"Nothing but that I'd have liked to have known about this BEFORE YOUR MOTHER decided to set this whole thing up. I did not know TRIPS BY DRAGON was back in business. Do you remember camping on the Garden State Parkway? I can't forget THAT, I still have nightmares." (See Camping on the Parkway Parts 1 and 2 July 14, 2010)
"Why? What difference does it make? We were planning on going to Ireland anyway to visit YOUR PARENTS so I fail to see the tragedy."
What could I say? She was right, but I did say if Romney started to rack up delegates me job wouldn't allow me to go anywhere. So I reminded her of that and she said, "The way things are going, I think you'll have plenty of time on your hands."
"BUT Ton, me parents invited us, now suddenly your parents are involved and the boyos are staying home."
"Gabe "the boyos" weren't going remember? And I did talk to your mother about this Gabriel, and she was fine with it, she even said being a resident of Ireland, like most of them, she hasn't bothered to see the rest of it. So . . .?"
Oh begorrah me! Me own grey-haired, apple-cheeked Mam has thrown yours truly her ONLY son under the Abduallah bus!
So I was ordered to tell Cruella I was taking me holiday and well me wife was not hearing a nay on that score. I have been trying to think of ways out of this, but everything is booked and NOW if we don't go we lose our points, and what money she did spend. Oi!
Memories of being with the entire Abduallah family in Holland came flooding back and what a fiasco that was. Oi me! (See Flying By The Seat Of Me Pants OR, Amsterdam What A Surprise! Apr 25, 2011)
Gabe
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