26 February 2020
976
R. Linda:
Do you find things go missing in your house and when the occupants are asked if they borrowed or have the item, you get negative answers? This seems to be the ongoing problem I have keeping a pair of sharp scissors in me desk. When I need me scissors to say, trim a paper, they seem to not be available, as if they sprouted legs and walked off never to be seen again. This, as you can well imagine gets to me.
Just yesterday, me middle child (one Guido), asked me if he could borrow me scissors. Well, if I had scissors the answer would have been yes, but me scissors were gone, and I do believe I know where several pairs have disappeared to if not all of them, and that would be the eldest's room, the Star War's trash heap barge room. I swear the eldest be a hoarder of paramount proportions. You can't step in that room without injury. Either something falls on your head, or you step on something and cut your foot! I can't get but 2" inside that room for all the "stuff" he values and that 2" be pushing the reality of maybe an inch and a small fraction. I think I should go back to me British centimetres but you were brought up on inches right? I will do me best then with me calculations from one to the other.
Anyway, the eldest was sitting in the room, legs draped over the side of the arm chair, laptop in lap doing God knows what. He looked up at the mention of scissors, oh yes, I caught that, and then made busy with whatever he was doing. I noticed he hadn't his earbuds so I said loud enough he could hear me the following (as if I was really talking to his brother -- which I was not).
"Guid, it seems me scissors and those that went before me last pair, were dissatisfied laying in the desk drawer being unused. They somehow sprouted legs and I assume arms (to push the drawer open) and walked off, leaving me scissor-less. Yes, they did and it so sad too because I prized all those pairs of scissors. Each one had memory for me but . . . well, no more."
Of course Guido was looking at me like I had lost me mind (what be left of it). But nevertheless, I continued on because I KNEW the eldest was listening to this, he had a sort of smirk on his face which clued me in.
"I remember a particular pair of scissors, and maybe you will remember them too, they had black handles and were as sharp as a knife, oh man could they cut paper! That black handled pair were the sharpest, but wait, oh yes, the yellow handled ones, oh the yellow handled ones! Those guys could double as a screw driver when I couldn't find any of me screw drivers to put that tv table together your Mam bought. Oh they were thin at the end and pointy as all get out Guido, but they too went missing and that's when I bought the blue handled ones. THOSE, well Guid, THOSE were me second favs after the black handled ones. What I couldn't do with those ones! They could cut but they also could be used like a pair of pliers. When I couldn't find me pliers to put together that end table your Mam bought, I found the thick part of those blue handled babies could hold the bolt while I tightened the screws. I could tell you about all 300 pairs of me missing scissors but we don't have the time. One day though I can regale you with each one's story."
And I stopped like I was sad and depressed. Guido patted me arm looking very glum and walked out of the room leaving me to me melancholy. I stole a look at the eldest who was contorting his face in laughter, but trying not to laugh or show how amused he was, the pratt! I looked directly at him with a look that I hope said, I know you took all me scissors!
"What?" Said he.
"You know perfectly well what young man. YOU have probably all 500 pairs of me scissors in that trash bin you call a room and I'd like at least one pair back."
"Trash bin of a room?" Said he in a high and insulted voice.
"Yes, the Star Wars barge you've made out of a perfectly nice room. Me scissors, all 1000 pairs are in there under that heap of mess and I'd like you to retrieve as many pairs as you can, like right now!"
"Right now?"
"Right this very minute and no later."
"I don't know, if my room is such a trash heap, how do you expect me to find anything, especially little scissors?" This said by him very calmly like I was the nutter in the room.
"Don't question me O'Hare, get up and get looking!"
"But . . . but . . . I'm playing a game with my friend, I just can't get up and leave."
Oh boy, that did it -- teenagers! How many times have I asked him to do something and got the "In a minute," or, "I'm in the middle of something," (usually a game), and then he seems to forget I ever asked him to do this or to do that and well . . . nothing ever gets done. I started to get up like I was about to drag him out of his chair, but he got up before I did and slammed out to his room, AND somehow found the room to slam his bedroom door shut. How was that possible, I couldn't get in the room but a quarter of an inch and yet he could slam it shut?
I stood outside the door contemplating knocking and then wondering why I'd do that since it was me house, me scissors. As I was about to knock, Tonya came towards me with a plate of me Mam's fresh made Titanic cupcakes. I know you will ask so I will describe them, they are white cake cupcakes swirled with blue food colouring so when you cut them open it looks like ice and water, she ices them in white frosting and puts bits of crystallised sugar on them to make them look like icebergs, and tops them with a few coloured sprinkles that she says represent people from the ship clinging to the icebergs. Yes, she's a nutter! But I do love her cupcakes or cupie-cakes as the youngest calls them.
The smell of fresh made cupcakes had somehow wafted through that slammed door and within seconds it opened a crack since it couldn't open for the mess on the floor all the way, and there was first a nose sniffing the goodness in the air, followed by a face and a mop of red hair. An arm began to snake out from behind the door in the direction of the plate but I caught it and held it so it couldn't reach the cupcakes.
"YOU will get me at least ONE pair of me 1 million pairs of scissors you have stashed in your room AND then you can have a cupcake."
His eyes were slits in his head as he contemplated me holding his arm and the plate of cupcakes. He shook me off, closed the door (gently this time) and reappeared an hour and a half later with not one pair but 5 pairs of me lost scissor collection. The black handled ones being one of the five for which I was overjoyed.
Long story short, he got two cupcakes with a promise of more if he found me ten more pairs of scissors.
"Ten?"
"Yeah ten more and two more of those luscious cakes will be yours, but only IF you find me scissors. What can you possibly need 5 trillion pairs of scissors for I don't know," said I with I hoped what would pass for incredibility.
In total I ended up with 30 pairs of scissors, some I've never owned or seen before in me life, enough to open a scissors store on Amazon. Oh and yeah, the cupcakes are gone. Now me Mam be mad because she baked them and didn't get one!
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
976
R. Linda:
Do you find things go missing in your house and when the occupants are asked if they borrowed or have the item, you get negative answers? This seems to be the ongoing problem I have keeping a pair of sharp scissors in me desk. When I need me scissors to say, trim a paper, they seem to not be available, as if they sprouted legs and walked off never to be seen again. This, as you can well imagine gets to me.
Just yesterday, me middle child (one Guido), asked me if he could borrow me scissors. Well, if I had scissors the answer would have been yes, but me scissors were gone, and I do believe I know where several pairs have disappeared to if not all of them, and that would be the eldest's room, the Star War's trash heap barge room. I swear the eldest be a hoarder of paramount proportions. You can't step in that room without injury. Either something falls on your head, or you step on something and cut your foot! I can't get but 2" inside that room for all the "stuff" he values and that 2" be pushing the reality of maybe an inch and a small fraction. I think I should go back to me British centimetres but you were brought up on inches right? I will do me best then with me calculations from one to the other.
Anyway, the eldest was sitting in the room, legs draped over the side of the arm chair, laptop in lap doing God knows what. He looked up at the mention of scissors, oh yes, I caught that, and then made busy with whatever he was doing. I noticed he hadn't his earbuds so I said loud enough he could hear me the following (as if I was really talking to his brother -- which I was not).
"Guid, it seems me scissors and those that went before me last pair, were dissatisfied laying in the desk drawer being unused. They somehow sprouted legs and I assume arms (to push the drawer open) and walked off, leaving me scissor-less. Yes, they did and it so sad too because I prized all those pairs of scissors. Each one had memory for me but . . . well, no more."
Of course Guido was looking at me like I had lost me mind (what be left of it). But nevertheless, I continued on because I KNEW the eldest was listening to this, he had a sort of smirk on his face which clued me in.
"I remember a particular pair of scissors, and maybe you will remember them too, they had black handles and were as sharp as a knife, oh man could they cut paper! That black handled pair were the sharpest, but wait, oh yes, the yellow handled ones, oh the yellow handled ones! Those guys could double as a screw driver when I couldn't find any of me screw drivers to put that tv table together your Mam bought. Oh they were thin at the end and pointy as all get out Guido, but they too went missing and that's when I bought the blue handled ones. THOSE, well Guid, THOSE were me second favs after the black handled ones. What I couldn't do with those ones! They could cut but they also could be used like a pair of pliers. When I couldn't find me pliers to put together that end table your Mam bought, I found the thick part of those blue handled babies could hold the bolt while I tightened the screws. I could tell you about all 300 pairs of me missing scissors but we don't have the time. One day though I can regale you with each one's story."
And I stopped like I was sad and depressed. Guido patted me arm looking very glum and walked out of the room leaving me to me melancholy. I stole a look at the eldest who was contorting his face in laughter, but trying not to laugh or show how amused he was, the pratt! I looked directly at him with a look that I hope said, I know you took all me scissors!
"What?" Said he.
"You know perfectly well what young man. YOU have probably all 500 pairs of me scissors in that trash bin you call a room and I'd like at least one pair back."
"Trash bin of a room?" Said he in a high and insulted voice.
"Yes, the Star Wars barge you've made out of a perfectly nice room. Me scissors, all 1000 pairs are in there under that heap of mess and I'd like you to retrieve as many pairs as you can, like right now!"
"Right now?"
"Right this very minute and no later."
"I don't know, if my room is such a trash heap, how do you expect me to find anything, especially little scissors?" This said by him very calmly like I was the nutter in the room.
"Don't question me O'Hare, get up and get looking!"
"But . . . but . . . I'm playing a game with my friend, I just can't get up and leave."
Oh boy, that did it -- teenagers! How many times have I asked him to do something and got the "In a minute," or, "I'm in the middle of something," (usually a game), and then he seems to forget I ever asked him to do this or to do that and well . . . nothing ever gets done. I started to get up like I was about to drag him out of his chair, but he got up before I did and slammed out to his room, AND somehow found the room to slam his bedroom door shut. How was that possible, I couldn't get in the room but a quarter of an inch and yet he could slam it shut?
I stood outside the door contemplating knocking and then wondering why I'd do that since it was me house, me scissors. As I was about to knock, Tonya came towards me with a plate of me Mam's fresh made Titanic cupcakes. I know you will ask so I will describe them, they are white cake cupcakes swirled with blue food colouring so when you cut them open it looks like ice and water, she ices them in white frosting and puts bits of crystallised sugar on them to make them look like icebergs, and tops them with a few coloured sprinkles that she says represent people from the ship clinging to the icebergs. Yes, she's a nutter! But I do love her cupcakes or cupie-cakes as the youngest calls them.
The smell of fresh made cupcakes had somehow wafted through that slammed door and within seconds it opened a crack since it couldn't open for the mess on the floor all the way, and there was first a nose sniffing the goodness in the air, followed by a face and a mop of red hair. An arm began to snake out from behind the door in the direction of the plate but I caught it and held it so it couldn't reach the cupcakes.
"YOU will get me at least ONE pair of me 1 million pairs of scissors you have stashed in your room AND then you can have a cupcake."
His eyes were slits in his head as he contemplated me holding his arm and the plate of cupcakes. He shook me off, closed the door (gently this time) and reappeared an hour and a half later with not one pair but 5 pairs of me lost scissor collection. The black handled ones being one of the five for which I was overjoyed.
Long story short, he got two cupcakes with a promise of more if he found me ten more pairs of scissors.
"Ten?"
"Yeah ten more and two more of those luscious cakes will be yours, but only IF you find me scissors. What can you possibly need 5 trillion pairs of scissors for I don't know," said I with I hoped what would pass for incredibility.
In total I ended up with 30 pairs of scissors, some I've never owned or seen before in me life, enough to open a scissors store on Amazon. Oh and yeah, the cupcakes are gone. Now me Mam be mad because she baked them and didn't get one!
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
