12 March 2016
Story #802
R. Linda:
Below are some of the pearls I had to put up with while the Dragon Lady convalesced at me abode. I will miss none of this, but I do hope she gets that cataract operation soon. She nearly drove me up a pole each morning as I poured me cup of joe, all set to slowly wake up, and then, with a rattle of the newspaper, she'd announce the daily headlines (Dragon version). I put the word she misread in parentheses.
"Brain (burn) victim transforms herself with makeup." How does someone do that? I mean . . . how?"
"Let me see that," I said. I read what it really said, and she got up to fetch her reading glasses. Her glasses have that beaded chain that hooks around one earpiece and then the other, so they hang around her neck if she needs them. I, being me, said nothing of the fact she was wearing them and let her go hunt about the place for what was right in front of her. Tonya was the one who put me game to bed by informing her mother that her reading glasses were where they were.
The next day, I got another readout.
"Police say the 'sweating (swatting) hoax led to shelter in place." The newspaper flipped like a sheet as she looked puzzled. "When do the police intervene if someone is sweating? I don't get it."
"Here, let me see that," I said and read it, but not out loud. "OH, that's a new policy the department put into effect a few weeks ago," said I.
R. Linda:
Below are some of the pearls I had to put up with while the Dragon Lady convalesced at me abode. I will miss none of this, but I do hope she gets that cataract operation soon. She nearly drove me up a pole each morning as I poured me cup of joe, all set to slowly wake up, and then, with a rattle of the newspaper, she'd announce the daily headlines (Dragon version). I put the word she misread in parentheses.
"Brain (burn) victim transforms herself with makeup." How does someone do that? I mean . . . how?"
"Let me see that," I said. I read what it really said, and she got up to fetch her reading glasses. Her glasses have that beaded chain that hooks around one earpiece and then the other, so they hang around her neck if she needs them. I, being me, said nothing of the fact she was wearing them and let her go hunt about the place for what was right in front of her. Tonya was the one who put me game to bed by informing her mother that her reading glasses were where they were.
The next day, I got another readout.
"Police say the 'sweating (swatting) hoax led to shelter in place." The newspaper flipped like a sheet as she looked puzzled. "When do the police intervene if someone is sweating? I don't get it."
"Here, let me see that," I said and read it, but not out loud. "OH, that's a new policy the department put into effect a few weeks ago," said I.
She looked at me, frowning, and I said, "Yes indeed, the road department can get pretty sweaty." That's when Tonya came over and took the paper, read the headline and corrected both of us. I had that Dragon going, I tell ya; it was amusing to me, at least, while it lasted.
"Utah (UNH) studies oyster farming." A perplexed look comes over her face as she digests what she just said. "I thought Utah was landlocked? Are there really oysters in the Great Salt Lake?"
Now, used to this crazy blindness, I said yes, yes, that's right, a new study and the male-dominated Mormons wanted to study the effects of consuming oysters, to which I was shut down pretty quickly by the wife AGAIN. Then there was this:
"Geek (Greek) governor seeks help with migrants." Big sigh. "Where is this? Is this where they send the geeks from Staples?"
I said nothing but almost choked on me cup of joe, and neither did the wife nor me very own apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam pipe up with a correction. We let her keep that one. None of us had a retort. Though I made up for it on the next misread:
"North Korean fighter (freighter) impounded." A moment of thought hit her, then she said, "Just how do you impound a fighter, and when did North Korea have boxing?"
"Oh," says I, "they have a great boxer, just one Mother Abdullah. Just one, but he is a feisty one he is (I started throwing air punches to emphasise that statement). He is so feisty, right Ma?" (I said to me Mam who was keeping a suspicious eye on yours truly) to which she nodded. "Well, there you go, if me Mam agreed, it must be true." Tonya was getting the kiddos ready for school, so I got that gem under me belt. Yesterday, she read this:
"Search for gift (girl) underway." Then she muttered something to herself, looked confused and said out loud, "WHAT?"
I took the paper, there was a teen missing, and I didn't want to make light of that, but she had no clue, so I quipped that the Mayor's birthday present had gone missing and well . . . to which me wife walked in, looked over Dragon's shoulder, read the headline and gave me an angry look. I dropped it, knowing I had gone too far. Then, just this morning, I walked into this:
"Chaos as magnates (migrants) jostle for food supplies." Her mouth dropped open at that read. "Since when do magnates need to compete against each other for food? Why I never. What is this world coming to?"
"OH," said I, "is Donald Trump about those steaks again?" But I didn't get far. The wife caught me, and that was that until Dragon read another line out to us.
"Mother of three sleeping on sheets (streets)." This garnered an indignant look. "Well, where else would she be sleeping? Tsk!"
I nodded in commiseration, acknowledging that the news reporting was just plain stupid, and said so. I mean, I told her that it must be a slow news day for my associates to stoop so low as to write commonalities that we are all aware of. Yes, I said, shaking me head. It is awful when nothing much be happening, and you have to write about someone sleeping on sheets or, worse, not being able to read what is really there because they are blind as a bat. Yes, indeed.
For that, I got from the wife, "Stop that right now, enough of this foolishness in the morning."
Well, me amusement be over; the Dragon be on her way to the airport as I write this. Yes, she has got her broom and headed out with her pointy hat and shoes. I can't say I will miss the old bat, but the morning readout of the daily headlines will be not the same. SIGH. But I be so damn happy she's gone home to the Pine Barrens to take up her mantle as the Jersey Devil. So damn glad I can't express it enough.
Gabe
Copyright © 2016 All rights reserved
"Utah (UNH) studies oyster farming." A perplexed look comes over her face as she digests what she just said. "I thought Utah was landlocked? Are there really oysters in the Great Salt Lake?"
Now, used to this crazy blindness, I said yes, yes, that's right, a new study and the male-dominated Mormons wanted to study the effects of consuming oysters, to which I was shut down pretty quickly by the wife AGAIN. Then there was this:
"Geek (Greek) governor seeks help with migrants." Big sigh. "Where is this? Is this where they send the geeks from Staples?"
I said nothing but almost choked on me cup of joe, and neither did the wife nor me very own apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam pipe up with a correction. We let her keep that one. None of us had a retort. Though I made up for it on the next misread:
"North Korean fighter (freighter) impounded." A moment of thought hit her, then she said, "Just how do you impound a fighter, and when did North Korea have boxing?"
"Oh," says I, "they have a great boxer, just one Mother Abdullah. Just one, but he is a feisty one he is (I started throwing air punches to emphasise that statement). He is so feisty, right Ma?" (I said to me Mam who was keeping a suspicious eye on yours truly) to which she nodded. "Well, there you go, if me Mam agreed, it must be true." Tonya was getting the kiddos ready for school, so I got that gem under me belt. Yesterday, she read this:
"Search for gift (girl) underway." Then she muttered something to herself, looked confused and said out loud, "WHAT?"
I took the paper, there was a teen missing, and I didn't want to make light of that, but she had no clue, so I quipped that the Mayor's birthday present had gone missing and well . . . to which me wife walked in, looked over Dragon's shoulder, read the headline and gave me an angry look. I dropped it, knowing I had gone too far. Then, just this morning, I walked into this:
"Chaos as magnates (migrants) jostle for food supplies." Her mouth dropped open at that read. "Since when do magnates need to compete against each other for food? Why I never. What is this world coming to?"
"OH," said I, "is Donald Trump about those steaks again?" But I didn't get far. The wife caught me, and that was that until Dragon read another line out to us.
"Mother of three sleeping on sheets (streets)." This garnered an indignant look. "Well, where else would she be sleeping? Tsk!"
I nodded in commiseration, acknowledging that the news reporting was just plain stupid, and said so. I mean, I told her that it must be a slow news day for my associates to stoop so low as to write commonalities that we are all aware of. Yes, I said, shaking me head. It is awful when nothing much be happening, and you have to write about someone sleeping on sheets or, worse, not being able to read what is really there because they are blind as a bat. Yes, indeed.
For that, I got from the wife, "Stop that right now, enough of this foolishness in the morning."
Well, me amusement be over; the Dragon be on her way to the airport as I write this. Yes, she has got her broom and headed out with her pointy hat and shoes. I can't say I will miss the old bat, but the morning readout of the daily headlines will be not the same. SIGH. But I be so damn happy she's gone home to the Pine Barrens to take up her mantle as the Jersey Devil. So damn glad I can't express it enough.
Gabe
Copyright © 2016 All rights reserved
