14 April 2003
29
R. Linda:
When I was a wee tyke of about seven years, me sainted sister Sheila decided in her un-daunting way, that yours truly would look better with a more defined forehead. Yes, I remember the day, to the hour. It was August, her birthday, and she wanted an American children's item which me uncle bought (because she pestered the poor man ruthlessly). He probably dreamed of her nagging in his sleep so on one of his many business trips to New York City, he gifted Sheila with a wiffle ball and bat. There was no warning message on said gift that would have indicated it was not only a children's toy but a very dangerous weapon. Indeed.
I remember being awfully jealous she got that present because she knew how much I wanted one for me own. How would it look? ME in the neighbourhood with an American baseball set, well kind of baseball. But no, SHE got it instead. She had gone on the sly and pleaded with me Uncle Dermot, she wanted one for her big day. He never could say no to her and well, come the big day there it was, a long cylindrical present, all wrapped in that girlie birthday paper, and made up pretty with curly string that girls love to have decorating their gifts.
She looked at me with evil, knowing eyes as she took up that strange-shaped gift, and with painstaking slowness untied the string, then making sure I was watching, she, with a flourish, ripped the paper wrap down the length of the thing, like she was undressing a banana, and exposed a good part of what the gift was. As you can imagine, me breath caught in me throat, and me little heart was pitter-pattering all over the place because she had got what I had wanted for meself!
A giant "Woo" came from deep within me and she smiled like a demon as she took it from the wrapping, the whole time looking at me to see if I was what I was, JEALOUS!
She stepped back and swung a few times with that lovely plastic bat and of course, the grown-ups said to be careful, and her friends already had their grubby hands on the ball with shouts, of "Let's go play!"
As you can imagine, this did not sit well. I was the only boy there among me sissy's friends and there they were down there, yes, I can still picture them in me mind, all spread out among the green of the lawn, me sister swinging that bat and one lass throwing the ball, and of course they all took turns, and the only satisfaction I got from watching this, was none could hit the ball!
Me Mam noticed me sulking and with a few attempts finally got me sister and her friends to let me come down and join in the fun. And what fun it would be if they were boys who knew how to throw. I stood there with the bat in me hands, feeling like the luckiest boy on the block when each of those girls took turns throwing the wiffle ball at me, not to me.
While they got a great laugh, I moved around like I was playing cricket instead of wiffle ball, swinging for all I was worth. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! Finally, this big girl among them, this Judy person who would pick her nose and eat her boogers declared, "I'll throw to him."
I wrinkled me nose thinking where her fingers had been and was determined the ball would not touch me, but I'd bat it over her stupid booger-eating head. So, I planted me feet, practice swinging the bat like I was some big deal or something, and then I focused me eyes on booger-eating Judy.
She wound her arm up, around and around and then wham, she let the wiffle ball fly in me direction. Wow, I thought, a girlie who can throw like a boy. I forgot the boogers for a moment and concentrated on the incoming missile and WHAMO, I hit that thing up, up, and away. I was jumping up and down and hooting and shaking the bat over me head when I felt it wrenched from me grasp. I turned around all in consternation to find me sister looking at me with evil slit eyes, cutting short me exhilaration.
She told booger-eating Judy to give her a swing, and pushed me out of the way, to where I fell on me arse thinking, uh oh, me new shorts would have grass stains for sure, and me Mam would not be happy. As I gently got up, trying to see if I had grass stains on me posteriour, a great wind sound came close to me ears and then suddenly a hard whack, as me forehead connected with the bat. I cannot tell you the hurting that burst forth from me ill-timed standing up, nor can I tell you too much about what happened all at once, but suddenly, I was surrounded by girlies all atwitter and being somewhat dumbstruck with stars flashing where there hadn't been any, I realised vaguely I'd been struck in the forehead, and hard. I stood in the middle of them wobbling, me head throbbing, when me sister shoved me around to face her and said, "Tell Mam you fell and hit your head on a rock."
I nodded stupidly, having the good sense knocked out of me, until what she said sunk in and I realised me forehead must be a sight of black, blue, yellow and green. I howled like an injured puppy and the ring of girls half hauled, half dragged me to where the grown-ups were, and me sissy did the talking about how clumsy I was for falling on a rock.
Well, to make a long sad story short, I was taken to the causality to be looked at, prodded, X-rayed, and sent home with no concussion, only a very big headache. However, me story does have a happy ending. On me arrival home, I found me sister was banished to her room for a week because she lied.
What did she lie about? Me Mam's sister, me Auntie Seonaid had gone down to see if I was all right after Sheila had pushed me to the ground, and she saw the whole thing and heard the story Sheila said to tell Mam. Caught! Caught, caught, caught! Sheila was freaking caught in the act. Not only that, me Auntie thought her swing was intentional. How do you like that? Me own sissy trying to brain damage yours truly, the only heir to the family name at that moment.
So there you have it, me evil sister and the wiffle bat; revenge couldn't have been sweeter. Ha!
Gabe
Copyright © 2003 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
When I was a wee tyke of about seven years, me sainted sister Sheila decided in her un-daunting way, that yours truly would look better with a more defined forehead. Yes, I remember the day, to the hour. It was August, her birthday, and she wanted an American children's item which me uncle bought (because she pestered the poor man ruthlessly). He probably dreamed of her nagging in his sleep so on one of his many business trips to New York City, he gifted Sheila with a wiffle ball and bat. There was no warning message on said gift that would have indicated it was not only a children's toy but a very dangerous weapon. Indeed.
I remember being awfully jealous she got that present because she knew how much I wanted one for me own. How would it look? ME in the neighbourhood with an American baseball set, well kind of baseball. But no, SHE got it instead. She had gone on the sly and pleaded with me Uncle Dermot, she wanted one for her big day. He never could say no to her and well, come the big day there it was, a long cylindrical present, all wrapped in that girlie birthday paper, and made up pretty with curly string that girls love to have decorating their gifts.
She looked at me with evil, knowing eyes as she took up that strange-shaped gift, and with painstaking slowness untied the string, then making sure I was watching, she, with a flourish, ripped the paper wrap down the length of the thing, like she was undressing a banana, and exposed a good part of what the gift was. As you can imagine, me breath caught in me throat, and me little heart was pitter-pattering all over the place because she had got what I had wanted for meself!
A giant "Woo" came from deep within me and she smiled like a demon as she took it from the wrapping, the whole time looking at me to see if I was what I was, JEALOUS!
She stepped back and swung a few times with that lovely plastic bat and of course, the grown-ups said to be careful, and her friends already had their grubby hands on the ball with shouts, of "Let's go play!"
As you can imagine, this did not sit well. I was the only boy there among me sissy's friends and there they were down there, yes, I can still picture them in me mind, all spread out among the green of the lawn, me sister swinging that bat and one lass throwing the ball, and of course they all took turns, and the only satisfaction I got from watching this, was none could hit the ball!
Me Mam noticed me sulking and with a few attempts finally got me sister and her friends to let me come down and join in the fun. And what fun it would be if they were boys who knew how to throw. I stood there with the bat in me hands, feeling like the luckiest boy on the block when each of those girls took turns throwing the wiffle ball at me, not to me.
While they got a great laugh, I moved around like I was playing cricket instead of wiffle ball, swinging for all I was worth. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! Finally, this big girl among them, this Judy person who would pick her nose and eat her boogers declared, "I'll throw to him."
I wrinkled me nose thinking where her fingers had been and was determined the ball would not touch me, but I'd bat it over her stupid booger-eating head. So, I planted me feet, practice swinging the bat like I was some big deal or something, and then I focused me eyes on booger-eating Judy.
She wound her arm up, around and around and then wham, she let the wiffle ball fly in me direction. Wow, I thought, a girlie who can throw like a boy. I forgot the boogers for a moment and concentrated on the incoming missile and WHAMO, I hit that thing up, up, and away. I was jumping up and down and hooting and shaking the bat over me head when I felt it wrenched from me grasp. I turned around all in consternation to find me sister looking at me with evil slit eyes, cutting short me exhilaration.
She told booger-eating Judy to give her a swing, and pushed me out of the way, to where I fell on me arse thinking, uh oh, me new shorts would have grass stains for sure, and me Mam would not be happy. As I gently got up, trying to see if I had grass stains on me posteriour, a great wind sound came close to me ears and then suddenly a hard whack, as me forehead connected with the bat. I cannot tell you the hurting that burst forth from me ill-timed standing up, nor can I tell you too much about what happened all at once, but suddenly, I was surrounded by girlies all atwitter and being somewhat dumbstruck with stars flashing where there hadn't been any, I realised vaguely I'd been struck in the forehead, and hard. I stood in the middle of them wobbling, me head throbbing, when me sister shoved me around to face her and said, "Tell Mam you fell and hit your head on a rock."
I nodded stupidly, having the good sense knocked out of me, until what she said sunk in and I realised me forehead must be a sight of black, blue, yellow and green. I howled like an injured puppy and the ring of girls half hauled, half dragged me to where the grown-ups were, and me sissy did the talking about how clumsy I was for falling on a rock.
Well, to make a long sad story short, I was taken to the causality to be looked at, prodded, X-rayed, and sent home with no concussion, only a very big headache. However, me story does have a happy ending. On me arrival home, I found me sister was banished to her room for a week because she lied.
What did she lie about? Me Mam's sister, me Auntie Seonaid had gone down to see if I was all right after Sheila had pushed me to the ground, and she saw the whole thing and heard the story Sheila said to tell Mam. Caught! Caught, caught, caught! Sheila was freaking caught in the act. Not only that, me Auntie thought her swing was intentional. How do you like that? Me own sissy trying to brain damage yours truly, the only heir to the family name at that moment.
So there you have it, me evil sister and the wiffle bat; revenge couldn't have been sweeter. Ha!
Gabe
Copyright © 2003 All rights reserved
