Things that go BOOM in the night

15 August 2010

303

  R. Linda:

As you know, yours truly has had a bit o' a patch of bad luck of late. Yes, it started with a wild taxi ride from one end of Boston to the other, then getting stranded and having to walk what seemed like 50 miles back to where it all started. Then the long drive home in bumper-to-bumper traffic and finding I could not get out of me motor once home, because me feet were protesting they could not do it! Crawling to the door, dragging me briefcase making a dusty track on the old dirt driveway, and finally a dusty mess of me good suit, I pulled meself up the door frame to the door knob which was locked! Yes, I had left me keys in the ignition of me motor and now I was stuck, stuck, stuck!

Then I sat there for what seemed hours waiting for the wife and kiddies to come home to let me and the sore tootsies inside, dust and all. But before that, I sat there dying of thirst like a man who'd been in the desert for a very long sun-roasting day. It was terrible I tell ya, terrible!

Finally, once let in (after being told off about the dust coming into the pristine house) I unloaded me shoes and socks someplace in the lounge and dragged meself to the tub where I filled it with cold water and plunged the tootsies in, pant legs and all. Oh, the bliss! It felt sooo good. I sat there until I had prune feet, and then squeezed out the water from me cuffs, and walked, yes damn it, I actually WALKED upright to me bedroom where I threw off the dusty suit and got into a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. BLISS I TELL YA!

I sat down to a lovely dinner, a cold glass of beer and into the telly room I took meself. I was in a haze of weariness I was. Tonya watched all her reality shows with no complaint from meself as I was in a stupor, and the kiddies played away and romped without me noticing much of the noise until to me amazement I found they had been put to bed and there was Tonya and me, watching the news, or she was, I was sitting there I be told with eyes closed, mouth open, snoring, UNTIL the house shook with a loud BANG.

Instantly me eyes flew open and I looked toward the telly thinking the sound was turned up to get ME up but it wasn't. The wife was looking at me holding onto the arm of her chair white-knuckled, her eyes big.

"GEES!" Says she.

"Wha, huh, what?" Said I.

"Oh for Christ's sake Gabe, it's not the television it came from outside." She got up to look out the window when KAPOW sounded by a KABOOM, then a BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, the windows rattling, the floorboards shaking and me insides quivering. For a dazed moment, I thought meself home in Ulster with the paras shootin' the place up and the rock throwing, pipe bomb hurtling masses out tearing the place up. I closed me eyes thinking to meself, just another night in Belfast when suddenly another WAHBOOM!

"GABE!" Shouted me wife looking alarmed I'd go back to sleep.

I hauled me arse up out of the comfortable couch to stand next to her. The dogs were outside barking and yipping up a storm, I could hear me neighbour's horses galloping across the field neighing and realised I wasn't in Belfast, I was in little sedate New Hampshire, in the woods where no one lives. So who started WW3 and why now?

I know, I wasn't thinking rationally, I was still in a daze from me hardship of a day and recovery had just disappeared in a blast of sound and fury.

"Get your shoes on and get out there. Go find out where that is coming from and what is going on," Tonya said shoving me in the direction of me shoes and the door. I did not like this, no I was not. The tootsies had just recovered somewhat from a hard day of slogging upon the hard pavement of Boston and here now I was sent out to probably get shot or worse killed.

I got into me shoes while being pushed forward and you know that made me feet be half in, half out of them and THAT was uncomfortable. I kept telling her to stop shoving me I was going, but she was too busy running her mouth and the hand was in the middle of me back forcing me out the door. I stood on the stoop and it was quiet except for me yapping dogs, even the horses were still. Well, I couldn't see them for the hedgerows that divide the field from the driveway, which isn't me driveway as you know, it be the one I borrowed to get to me house. Anyway, I shuffled into the middle of the yard and told the hounds to shut their pie-holes and they didn't of course. I lurched down the driveway when I heard this WHIZZZZ BOOM! I turned in that direction which was up the hill toward where the infamous chemical spill had taken place and shuffled off in that direction, the ground shaking under me feet which made it hard to balance.

Now a little background for you before I proceed with this dumbness. There is up on the road above me, a military family. He and she have been in the armed forces forever and were army brats the two of them. Now they have army brats of their own, three young teen boys. The boys have come upon me property covertly by crawling on their bellies to a mound of earth that overlooks me backyard, more precisely, me hammie. I have seen them with spyglasses watching yours truly and laughing. Yes, laughing. God knows. I ran them off three times, but who's to say they didn't come back while I was sleeping out there. Would explain why me iced tea was empty when I didn't drink it, or why me flip flops were on the scarecrow in the garden, or why my newspaper was always missing.

Add to this stupid foolishness, Lois the flasher had three of her geese killed by probably these wanna-be commandos, but killed in ways that make you think they, all three boyos, need therapy. The first was found drowned in a bucket of water, its arse up in the air like in a cartoon, the second was found laying spread eagle on the ground like you also see in cartoons, and the last was found dead with its head literally up its arse. Lois was heartbroken and enraged at the same time. The police told her a fox did them all. Yup. We knew better. After the third demise, she got rid of her other three geese and a couple of ducks. So no honking or quacking from her vicinity since. Now add to this, these juvies have a penchant for guns and small cannon. I be told they have a repro of a Civil War canon and this goes off at sunset when the flag comes down. Uh-huh. Every Memorial Day and 4th of July there be no need for any of us to go to the fireworks, we can sit in our respective backyards and watch the explosions from our lawn chairs. These people literally have an arsenal up there I tell ya.

Then there is the gunfire which is occasional but it goes on for a long time. You never know when at ten o'clock at night and beyond you will be sitting in your own abode, minding your own business, getting ready to relax and go to bed when the ratatat tat tat starts and continues well over the time outside noise is permitted. But no one has called the local authorities about this either. I be never quite sure if it's the army hooligans or someone else doing the shooting because everyone up here owns a gun. We also get the dirt bike thing going in the fall and winter, you'd swear they were riding on your property it is that loud.

So those were the people that I thought were blasting away the peace at 11:25 p.m. I shuffled toward the woods and the trails that led up that way. I did wonder what the hell I was doing and what I would do once I got there, an unarmed man like meself. So I stopped and listened. All I could hear was me fingers scratching me head in wonder. As I went to turn back there was another earth rattling BOOM. Sighing heavily, I continued up the wooded path, could see nothing, only hear the noise and feel the percussion. I stopped again and all was silent. I waited, but nothing, it had ended. What to do? Continue up there or go back? 

I realised I was further up the trail than I had thought. I could hear voices and snarky laughter just above me. I crouched down and quietly as I could crept toward the sound. 

I could see the silhouette of a male against the light night sky, he was wiping his hands together like a villain would for a devious job well done. 

"Get the rest and we'll fire at will another night. Liven this backwoods up." He snickered as he bent over to pick long cylindrical objects up. I saw the other two as well and the FATHER. I was like REALLY? Seriously, dude, you and your boyos have big problems. I crouched there watching them clean up and congratulate each other for the racket they had caused. They all four were laughing about waking up the democrats below and how it warmed their hearts to have them all "atwitter down there. Show em' what a war sounds like, hahahaaha." 

I almost jumped out of me skin when a hand took hold me arm and there in the misty light was Lois with her shotgun. I was freaked. NOT AGAIN, here I was alone (well sort of) with the flasher neighbour. Oi! I didn't know what was worse. She had a finger in the hush sign at her lips at me. Once my heart slowed down from the fright, I whispered to her it was TNT gerbs it looked, altered though because there was no display. She shrugged, whatever it was, it was too loud for her she told me, it disturbed her cats and we know she's got lots of those. 

"I wanted to be sure who it was setting this stuff off," Lois whispered watching the dark silhouettes moving around above us. She motioned me to follow her back down the trail.

When we got to a point they couldn't see or hear us, she said she had an idea, if I was game we "democrats" could pull a fast one on the army above us. I was thinking whatever it was it wouldn't be a good idea and if Tonya caught me in the company of Lois, I'd be in the doghouse for sure. Besides I wasn't a Democrat I wanted to mumble I was an Irish Republican from Ulster County and would forever be one of those. But it didn't matter, this was Lois I was with and well, I could have been President Bush and it wouldn't have mattered, she was pulling me into something and damn I didn't know what to do. Besides, me feet were starting to ache and me mind was on them not sabotage. 

She led me to her shed and pulled open the creaky door, and with a flourish pulled the light chain and there in all their colourful glory in the bright lights of the shed were political signs. Lots of them are all for women dems running for office. I was like HUH? She smiled like an evil Valkyrie and started loading me down with signs, then herself, then running she went back up the trail with me trying to keep pace behind her loaded down with a shite load of signs.

When we got up to where the TNT fireworks had been blasted off, we crept around the area to the front of the enemy house. The lights were out, and I noticed the flag was not flying (good boyos) and with stealth, only the army could admire, we set up every single freaking sign on their lawn. There had to be easily 60 signs. I got it, I really did and it took everything in me not to laugh out loud. We scampered off and shook hands in a conspiratorial manner at the edge of our properties and went our separate ways.

Tonya was waiting and I told her it was some political rally for a bunch of democrats at a house above us. She seemed satisfied with that explanation and we went to bed but she was shaking her head. 

The next morning I had to be up at the crack of dawn, I supposed that would be the same time one who is patriotic would hoist their flag up the flagpole. I had to turn the shower off because I could hear something, but I wasn't sure what it was. I listened to screaming and ranting and then a slow smile crossed me face, I knew where the disharmony was coming from. I turned the water back on wondering if Lois was smiling too. Ah, life is good.

Gabe

NOTE: Please note that Lois's signage was all old ones (she has a pack-rat habit of collecting old campaign signs). One of my readers thought this a great idea and I must say to do the same as Lois, would get the person who's sign it is, in a boatload of trouble. It is against the law to place campaign signs on someone else's property. Lois did go and pick them all up that next day, explaining it was a joke on another neighbour and she lost her way in the dark. Sigh. Well, they bought it. Also be aware it is, in most states, to make disruptive noise after 11 p.m. considered disturbing the peace and one can get in trouble for that as well.

  Gabe
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