Post Valentine's Day Story

09 March 2023

1093

R. Linda:

I meant to let you know that on Valentine's Day, I had run over to the local jewellery store in a more populated town. While I was there, there was this older gent who hadn't bought a piece of jewellery for his wife ever. Not even a wedding ring! So she being not well and he being at the end of his "golden years" (his verbiage, not mine), he decided to buy her a pin! Yes, a pin R. Linda. If I bought my wife, a PIN I'd be sent back to return it. Not many pins are being sold these days, but back in HIS day well, pins were the thing.

So I bought Tonya another charm for her bracelet, to commemorate her completing her doctorate in Education Specialties. At least I think that's what it is. Anyway, while I was waiting for the gift wrapping to be done, this old fellow came up next to me and started chatting while he was waiting for a tray of pins to come out. He told me his sorry story, but hey, better late than never right?

The tray came and there were scant pins, but he looked at the dazzling display and he had no clue what she'd like, though they have been married 50 some years. He turned to me just as I got me purchase and said, "If it were your wife which one would you pick?" 

Well, none. But I didn't say that, I looked for the smallest, plainest pin and pointed to this little gold heart pin with no adornment, just a gold heart with a stylised arrow through it. And I shrugged. He thanked me and told the salesgirl to wrap it up that was the one. 

I went on my merry way across the street to the pet store to buy treats for the dog when it hit me that he never asked the price. Well, I am sure the girl at the counter told him, and I shrugged to meself and went on my way to buy the dog treats. When I came out I saw the ambulance pulling into the jewellery store lot. 

See the red ambulance on the right? Well, it was pulling in as I was waiting for the light to change.

Better shot for you

Well, turns out the next day there was a small blurb in the newspaper, that an older gentleman was in the local jewellery store buying a 18-karat solid gold PIN for his wife when suddenly he suffered a heart attack. I mentioned this to me Mam who said casually, "Wheel now, da mon probably hadda heart attack when he saw da price of da pin dare, Gabriel."

How to make me feel really bad. I gaped at her thinking she could be right and it be all my fault!

"Ya, noo pins are expensive dunt ya dare, Gabe? Dats why noon buys em'."

"Uh, I did not know that." I blabbered. 

Well, I read on and sure enough, as soon as he got the bill for $5,014 bucks his face turned a purple colour, he held his hand to his heart as he clutched his wallet tightly, and then well, he collapsed and the ambulance took him to hospital. I KNOW it was the reaction to that price tag, I do. It didn't say that just described what occurred. But you and I KNOW it was the hefty price tag. 

"Who knew pins cost that much?" I stammered feeling so very guilty.

"Any eejit who buys 18 karat gold designer pin has got to noo dat." Me Mam shook her head as if men were all fools. 

I explained to her what happened and how it was my fault, and she said trying to make me feel better, which she didn't, "Dem pins back in da day as dae say here were like $5.00 and if he'd been married 50 years ago, he shoulda realised prices are oop and designer pins are all ya can buy!"

"He does now," I said. 

She took the paper and read the story.

"Says here, the store never finalised the sale, so he's home free."

All I can say be, this is not the first time I've been in a jewellery store where someone had screwed up a purchase. I learned my lesson this time, never engage in conversation with another customer. I swear to you R. Linda, I will never, never, never do that again!

P.S. The old gent is going to be okay I understand. Just had a shock to his system said he in a follow-up article. He, the salesgirl, and meself know what that shock was. Oi!

Gabe

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Your birthday, hot and spicy food, and painted iguanas

27 August 2018
923

R. Linda:

In honour of your birthday, I had tacos. I had those spicy shells and extra hot sauce, and I cooked the meat in a hot salsa because that's the way I like it. No, I did not subject the rest of me family to the hot and spicy. I made Nachos for the rest of the family and a very mild version it was. I had a nibble and shook me head in disdain.

"Yeah, big guy you shake your head. We'll see tomorrow how the cast iron stomach holds up." Tonya said and snorted.

Me nachos - mild version for wimps

Well, after six of me magnificent tacos the steam was coming out of me ears and nose. Me Mam commented I looked like Ferdinand the Bull.

"Fernando," I said making a seventh taco.

"Well, too bad Rolonda isn't here Fernando, she'd laugh at your daring-do," Tonya said making reference to the one person in the world who could out hot and spicy me tacos under the table. This time I snorted. And I was sorry I did that because a piece of jalapeño caught in me windpipe and I was in dire straits, but I made like nothing was amiss. I covertly put more ice in me water and took a few gulps but that did not go undetected, me eagle-eyed Mam figured out what happened and she sat there and laughed at me until her face was beet red.

"You'll give yourself a heart attack Mam laughing like that." I managed to squeak out at her.

"And YOU will burn da membranes in yer troat an' nostrils ya will by God." Mam countered.

They had all cleaned up and left me on my tenth taco. I know what you're thinking, but I love me tacos. So not having room for an eleventh and feeling the burn, I cleaned it up and was tempted to mix hot and spice filling in with the nacho chilli because I knew the next day Mam would make up a dish for lunch. But I didn't.

That night I had a dream, yes I did and as always after hot Mexican fare, this happens like clockwork. I dreamt I was out in Colorado celebrating your birthday. I had wanted to go to Estes Park because I had heard there was a fabulous Mexican restaurant. Where had I heard that? At the time I had no clue but being awake, FROM MESELF! I had found that restaurant when I was last out there, but in me dream I didn't know it was meself that suggested it.

Anyway, you didn't want to go. You said you could cook better than any restaurant, but I said, it was your birthday and you shouldn't have to cook. So I dragged you to Estes Park, literally, you had dug your heels in and I had both your wrists and slung the walker over me shoulder with the oxygen tank and pulled you all the way to Estes Park, your heels leaving tire-like marks on the pavement. When I want Mexican food, me strength be like Super Taco Man.

Once at the establishment of me dreams, you decided to lay down in the doorway kicking and screaming you weren't paying for food you could make yourself. I said I was paying for it so stop it and let's get inside.

"You don't get it Gabriel, I can COOK BETTER THAN THEM INSIDE!"

I told you I knew that but it was your day and we were going to eat Mexican hot and spicy. You smirked at me, like sure we are.

After scraping you off the pavement, pounding the walker down in front of you, placing your hands on the bar and heaving the oxygen tank on me back, I ushered you into the brightest, boldest, most colourful Mexican restaurant in the world. You were so blinded you stuck on your sunglasses and snickered at me. Following you in I was thinking if the interior looked this wonderful, the food would be double wonderful, I thought, because I still didn't remember who told me to go there.

We were seated by a man with a thick black moustache who spoke Mexican so I was lost right off and YOU decided not to interpret and let me do foolish sign language until the man, frustrated with yours truly, threw up his hands in despair and looked at you like HELP ME THIS GUY IS A MORON!

We ordered a pitcher of sangria and a platter of the hottest tamales and burritos on the planet. Meanwhile, our waiter brought us a plate of nacho chips and hotter-than-hell salsa. I took a chip, dumped it in the salsa and managed to get the whole salsa-covered chip in me mouth and as I chewed, I was in hot heaven, ooh so good. You looked at me, had a few chips of your own and started chewing me out about cobwebs in the blog. I was so engrossed in defending meself that I downed a few more hotter-than-hell chips and realised there was no water on the table, nothing to wash the heat down. Me mouth, me oesophagus, and the good old cast iron stomach were on a three-alarm blaze! I think your eyes were on me (but I wasn't sure from the sunglasses) and you had this smug expression on your face knowing what was the matter, but saying nothing. Instead, you shoved the salsa at me and told me to finish up, you had enough and wanted to keep room for the spicy hot entree. That was just mean R Linda.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I stood me tall self up and caught the waiter's eyes as I pointed to me throat and made a cup-like action with me hand as if I was drinking. He looked like OK and came over with a pitcher of sangria which had coconut floating on top! I was like what be up with the coconut, but ok, only I wanted water, but being on fire I poured you and me a glass of the sangria and emptied me glass chugging down orange pieces and coconut and whatever other fruit was floating in there. Unfortunately, I thought I was going to explode in flames, so I ended up with another glass and that didn't help, so I picked up the pitcher and drank the entire contents.

"Are you better now?" You asked with a smirk.

"Oh bring it on," I said like a jerk.

And no sooner had I said that when the hotter than the sun tamales and burritos arrived.

"Dig in Gabe." You said snickering as you took a mouthful. But then something weird happened. You just stopped everything in mid-chew. Your face had this expression of horror than disgust on it. I took a small forkful because I thought maybe the food was bloody awful, but it was great, only it reignited the fire I had almost out and had me signalling for another pitcher.

"WHOO!" I said feeling me insides burn. I was watching as you put your fork down and moved your plate away. "What? What is the matter, the food not to your liking? OH, I KNOW it's too HOT for you." I started laughing.

"No, it is THAT thing over your shoulder."

I turned around and on the partition that separated the tables a rather large painted iguana was looking over my shoulder. I jumped at first thinking it was alive. It wouldn't have been so bad, but it was in a rather aggressive posture. I realised that at every table was a painted iguana, and they looked like they had once been alive and now stuffed and painted as table decor.

"I will not eat another bite with that thing staring at me." You said arms crossed over your chest like a three-year-old about to have a tantrum.

 I signalled our waiter and made signs that we would like the iguana gone. He said through you, that the iguana was a good luck symbol, but you told him either the iguana went or you would. Exit iguana.

We resumed the meal but I remember the word in Spanish for water is agua so I did manage to blurt that out and we got two glasses filled with ice cubes and water to the brim. I was happy, as for you,  you could care less.

Yes, I forced the hotness down me gullet, I paid for it the entire time trying to keep up with your diminutive self that seems to not be affected by hot and spicy food. Yes, I was feverish and me insides were charred, I drank not only the second pitcher of sangria but a pitcher of water.

You were kind enough to tell me flan for dessert would cut all the heat so we ordered two flans. You had hot Mexican coffee and I had more water. You were right I will say, the flan did help but I had the scary feeling yours truly would still be on fire until Christmas rolled around.

"I am sending you a monthly subscription to Water On Demand." You said when we were all done. "Every month you'll get sixty bottles of water to quench the fire. When it is all out you'll come back and I will cook you REAL hot and spicy Mexican food and I will bet you'll be on fire for the next two years."

"You're scaring me," I said.

"No, HERE'S the scary part I will put a lot of beans in those dishes, just to add to the discomfort afterwards if not the embarrassment." And you started laughing, diabolical laughter that woke me up in a muck sweat it did. That was mean and I hope you didn't mean it, but then again knowing you, you'd do that. Then I realised it was all a dream. Though, if you were at me dinner last night you'd have mixed me hot filling in with the nachos just to see me Mam's reaction. Yup, do I know you or what?

BOO!

Happy Birthday, Muse!

Gabe
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