571
07 September 2012
R. Linda:
This Labour Day was a very different kind than what I usually celebrate. We were invited to a cookout by one of the teachers that Tonya works with. She and her hubby have a farm and they raise donkeys on the side. They like the wee beasties and I've taken O'Hare there to see them. And of course, he wants one. The big event at the Franklin's (that be their name) Labour Day cookout be the donkey races!
Now we have been invited to the Franklin's before, but we usually celebrate the day with our immediate neighbours, but this year Tonya wanted to do something different because the Franklin's Labour Day Cookout be like going to the fairgrounds. They go all out they do, they have a bounce house for the wee ones, and they set up booths the teenagers run where you can try to hit stacked milk bottles for a prize (and get razzed by kiddos half your age), or water gun the ducks as they go mechanically in a line eight feet from you, where you can't hit one no matter how good your aim. The Franklin's even have their own cotton candy and popcorn machines, so for the kiddos it's fabulous and for the parents, it's all free, the children can run around with no fears of anything happening to them.
The Franklin's line up table after table and everyone brings a dish, so plenty of chow to go around. But there be the piece de resistance in the form of the annual donkey race. Yes, indeed, they use one of the meadows as a race course. Inside are several bridled donkeys ready for a go around the meadow which borders woods for a ways and a large pond on one side. The first one to complete two go-rounds around the meadow race course be the winner. The winner gets his or her colours painted on a canoe like they do for some horse race in Saratoga (I think) and the donkey gets a bunch of carrots to munch. I know a trophy would be better, but this be New Hampshire we are talking about, they paint canoes!
So the first race up was for the kiddos from ages 8 to 14. Me two were too young to give it a go and were very disappointed but they got rides on the donkeys later, so no harm, no foul. So we watched the first race and it was a hoot, donkeys going in different directions, people coming forward trying to help right them, everyone laughing and at one point there were more people on the course than donkeys, but a lot of fun was had by all. UNTIL, they brought forth the bigger donkeys, who were the sizes of small horses or big ponies. There were eight of these and a few men and one woman stepped forward to select their donkeys. They needed three more people, and one more woman joined but no one else took up the slack. So Fred Franklin (yes, that be his real name) suggested jokingly that I and a bud of mine named Carter should be the last two riders.
"Ohhh nooo," Carter shook his head laughing. "I don't know how to ride a horse let alone a donkey."
But his wife egged him on and there he was being fitted for a helmet and getting quick riding instructions.
"Come on up here Gabe," Fred called me, waving an arm to come forward. "Ernie needs a rider."
"I be too tall, me feet will drag on the ground," I protested.
"Mine do! And I'm riding," Carter yelled out laughing. "Come on you can do this!"
I looked at Tonya and shrugged and as I moved forward Fred shouted he had his last jockey and everyone cheered. I got a helmet and was given last-minute instructions. I looked at me donkey and it was standing there, eyes half closed as though it were dosing off, and I thought, no way am I winning this race.
Now, I have never ridden a horse but in one of those hack lines where they put you on some sleepy old nag who won't go no matter how hard you kick it, it only moves when the rest of the nags move. So riding a donkey was a first. I had no idea what the instructions were and what I was told was, "Just like riding a horse, only slower and stubborner."
Unlike the kids race, we were not allowed any help from the onlookers, so if we fell off we had to round up our donkey, get ourselves back on and so on.
OK, so I got on and yes, me feet near touched the ground, there was no saddle so no stirrups to balance and help keep me mounted. I tell ya I felt like Ichabod Crane on old Gunpowder I did. So each of us had a 'handler' (that would be a donkey wrangler), who helped get us to the starting line. This was a rope held by two people, at different ends and it didn't stop one of the donkeys from pushing against it and almost tumbling both holders of the starting line. But to remedy this, the handlers moved us all forward up to the new starting place, and we were told that that was also the new finish line.
I felt utterly and absolutely ridiculous. Everyone on a donkey looked silly, but I felt I looked more foolish than any of them being so tall. But what could I do? I was committed to ride, and the kiddos were cheering me on along with the wife, so it was full steam ahead or no steam as the case seemed.
The donkeys jostled for position, except mine, who stood in the middle of the lot trying to doze. The rope went up and Fred fired his blank gun and that set us all off with a jolt of a start. Yes, me donkey suddenly came to life, it was like a bomb went off in his long ears. We bounced down the meadow, me holding on for dear life, me with me arms wrapped around Ernie's neck, me praying I didn't fall off and get trampled. As we all got boxed in at a turn, some donkeys in front decided to turn around and go back the way we had come making for quite a traffic jam. The spectators were laughing their arses off at this, until three of us got passed the jam and started forward, only the lead donkey went down the other side of the meadow and we two behind him followed. I tried pulling up, but me donkey would not go back he was a follower and that was that, no matter how much I tried to turn him, and I cursed him a blue streak I did.
As we were jogging down the hill (me trying to use me feet like brakes), I felt something behind me, as if someone had mounted up on Ernie to ride double. I could feel someone breathing heavily down me neck and I turned to look at who had jumped on, only to find a donkey called Mr. X doing the dirty to me donkey. The crowd was cheering and in hysterics and I can just imagine what that looked like. As the lead donkey headed back up the hill to the course, Mr. X lost his balance and had to chase after Ernie, who now free of his second rider, plunged up the hill passing the first donkey, me legs dragging along the grass, me body at times, half on, half sliding off. The cheers were animated with fist pumping and encouragement as we cleared the top of the hill, me managing to get back on from being nearly dragged and start around the ring. I was amazed to find meself FIRST!
I started to get into this, I could just possibly win it, but as we came to the edge of the wood me donkey went straight into it and I could not turn him back to the course, but no sooner had we entered the wood the other two donkeys entered with us and we all disappeared from the course, only to come out near the homestretch for the first time round. There we met one donkey and his woman jockey who never left the starting line, and as we passed her another was coming directly at us going in the wrong direction. As we made the second run around the field we could see another donkey way behind us trying to catch up, so there were four actually racing, the rest were either wandering off with their riders or standing in the middle of the course braying. I tell ya! Though there was one fella laying flat out on the ground, his donkey eating grass and himself laughing like a loon.
As we neared the pond I guess Ernie decided he was thirsty and so that's the direction we went. And he came to a screeching halt head going down to drink and me losing any kind of hold and almost sliding over his downed head and into the water. BUT I caught his mane and saved meself. Mr. X's rider wasn't so lucky. The splash frightened Ernie and the other donkey who had just caught up, and he spooked almost knocking me off backwards as he trotted off back towards the course, braying in fright, or simply wanting no instant reply of Mr. X taking privileges. We came around in a single file to the woods where we all went off course the first time, the donkey that we had met as we came round the first time, had changed direction and was right behind us, and the other one that was really fourth was trotting up fast, the young man riding was bouncing like a sack of balloons. How he managed to stay on I had no idea because he had lost his reins and they were slapping around his knees like a whip as the donkey galloped, that had to hurt, but he kept on holding for dear life to the mane.
"Margaret your cheating!" The husband on Mr. X yelled at the woman, obviously his wife.
"I can't help it," she yelled back, "I can't control this beast."
Out of the corner of me eye, I could see Mr. X gaining on Ernie and that wasn't a good thing. I didn't need another mating while you race experience so I gave Ernie two swift kicks and he began to gallop, which was an instant gaining of knowledge for yours truly. When he galloped I could stay on without sliding down his neck or back. It was like being on a rocking horse, BUT when he slowed it down back to a trot, me teeth rattled in me head from being bounced around like a bag of change and it didn't help the jewels AT ALL.
I saw the woods coming up and thought we could zip by them, but NO Ernie took the same path as last time, but so did the donkeys behind me! By now the real fourth place donkey had caught up and was now head to head with Mr. X. But Mr. X jolted forward when donkey number four, Missy Miss ridden by his wife Margaret, bit him on the arse. Next thing I know he's up next to me and on the inside comes the young man with no reins on Galoshes and we are in a three-way dead heat. The crowd was loving it, I could see the boyos jumping up and down like Mexican jumping beans, the wife cheering me on. Margaret who had cheated was one length in front of another young fella who was laughing so hard it was infectious. We must have looked like a bunch of clowns on donkeys, I know I felt like one.
We came back up the hill me first, then Galoshes, then Mr. X, then it was Ernie, then Mr. X, then Galoshes, I tell ya we were jocking for position until Mr. X's rider got in the middle and was bumped by Galoshes's jockey which knocked him half off his donkey and onto Ernie's neck. That slid me back where I was riding Ernie like a barrel and about to fall off. I desperately held onto the bit of mane under Arnold (Mr. X's rider) to keep from sliding off backwards into the hooves of a close following Margaret on Missy Miss and the laughing fella on a donkey named Jell-O.
And of course, Ernie decided to gallop and that was knocking me head around like a bobble doll as I pulled meself forward on Ernie as Margaret's hubby Arnold, managed to straighten himself back onto Mr. X. I could see the whites of Ernie's eyes as he eyed Mr. X. He wasn't liking that donkey so close and put on some speed, he did. We were all at a full gallop when suddenly Ernie came to a screeching halt and I found meself flying through the air over his head. It was a what the feck moment I can tell ya that!
Lucky for me when he came to the screeching halt so did the rest of them. Because he wasn't tall, I didn't have too far to fall and as a result wasn't hurt a bit. Though, I just missed being trampled and thanked me lucky stars that donkeys are dumb. If one stops they all stop. If one moves forward, they all move forward. I dunno. I remounted while the four of them were kicking and hitting the donkeys on the arse, and none moved until Ernie moved. And Ernie moved at a WALK! Ernie had had enough expending of energy for one day and was determined he was walking back to the barn which was in the opposite direction to the finish line which was only eight feet away!
I jumped off and I turned him back around and I hopped on and he stood there in protest and let out a loud bray almost deafening me. He was either going in the direction of the barn or he wasn't going anywhere. And neither were the other four. And one more caught up with us so we all had an even chance of winning IF we could get our donkey to move in that direction. And you had to be ON the thing you couldn't lead it. Oi!
So picture it, six adults kicking, cajoling, hitting with bare hands the arses of the arses and people cheering us on, giving us suggestions and there was the canoe being hoisted on saw horses, the paint buckets readied and us being taunted by Fred yelling, "You want this?" He gestured at the canoe, "YOU know you do. Come and get it!"
Rioght ye goo dare Freddie me, mate, I thought to meself as I brushed away a pesky deer fly from buzzing around me face. "Easier said than done," I muttered when suddenly, I almost fell off backwards when Ernie got bit by the deer fly and jolted over the finish line! Was I surprised? You know I was. Of course, I suffered whiplash as a result but I had the honour of selecting me colours for the canoe, which would be emerald green, orange and white. The other surprise be that Ernie is an Ernestine, he be a she that was what Mr. X knew that I didn't. I tell ya!
So now I have become famous at home as the winner of the Annual Labour Day Donkey Race. And, they have the canoe bobbing on the lake looking like the flag of Ireland, only they didn't exactly get the colours in the right order. Oh well.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
07 September 2012
R. Linda:
This Labour Day was a very different kind than what I usually celebrate. We were invited to a cookout by one of the teachers that Tonya works with. She and her hubby have a farm and they raise donkeys on the side. They like the wee beasties and I've taken O'Hare there to see them. And of course, he wants one. The big event at the Franklin's (that be their name) Labour Day cookout be the donkey races!
Now we have been invited to the Franklin's before, but we usually celebrate the day with our immediate neighbours, but this year Tonya wanted to do something different because the Franklin's Labour Day Cookout be like going to the fairgrounds. They go all out they do, they have a bounce house for the wee ones, and they set up booths the teenagers run where you can try to hit stacked milk bottles for a prize (and get razzed by kiddos half your age), or water gun the ducks as they go mechanically in a line eight feet from you, where you can't hit one no matter how good your aim. The Franklin's even have their own cotton candy and popcorn machines, so for the kiddos it's fabulous and for the parents, it's all free, the children can run around with no fears of anything happening to them.
The Franklin's line up table after table and everyone brings a dish, so plenty of chow to go around. But there be the piece de resistance in the form of the annual donkey race. Yes, indeed, they use one of the meadows as a race course. Inside are several bridled donkeys ready for a go around the meadow which borders woods for a ways and a large pond on one side. The first one to complete two go-rounds around the meadow race course be the winner. The winner gets his or her colours painted on a canoe like they do for some horse race in Saratoga (I think) and the donkey gets a bunch of carrots to munch. I know a trophy would be better, but this be New Hampshire we are talking about, they paint canoes!
So the first race up was for the kiddos from ages 8 to 14. Me two were too young to give it a go and were very disappointed but they got rides on the donkeys later, so no harm, no foul. So we watched the first race and it was a hoot, donkeys going in different directions, people coming forward trying to help right them, everyone laughing and at one point there were more people on the course than donkeys, but a lot of fun was had by all. UNTIL, they brought forth the bigger donkeys, who were the sizes of small horses or big ponies. There were eight of these and a few men and one woman stepped forward to select their donkeys. They needed three more people, and one more woman joined but no one else took up the slack. So Fred Franklin (yes, that be his real name) suggested jokingly that I and a bud of mine named Carter should be the last two riders.
"Ohhh nooo," Carter shook his head laughing. "I don't know how to ride a horse let alone a donkey."
But his wife egged him on and there he was being fitted for a helmet and getting quick riding instructions.
"Come on up here Gabe," Fred called me, waving an arm to come forward. "Ernie needs a rider."
"I be too tall, me feet will drag on the ground," I protested.
"Mine do! And I'm riding," Carter yelled out laughing. "Come on you can do this!"
I looked at Tonya and shrugged and as I moved forward Fred shouted he had his last jockey and everyone cheered. I got a helmet and was given last-minute instructions. I looked at me donkey and it was standing there, eyes half closed as though it were dosing off, and I thought, no way am I winning this race.
Now, I have never ridden a horse but in one of those hack lines where they put you on some sleepy old nag who won't go no matter how hard you kick it, it only moves when the rest of the nags move. So riding a donkey was a first. I had no idea what the instructions were and what I was told was, "Just like riding a horse, only slower and stubborner."
Unlike the kids race, we were not allowed any help from the onlookers, so if we fell off we had to round up our donkey, get ourselves back on and so on.
OK, so I got on and yes, me feet near touched the ground, there was no saddle so no stirrups to balance and help keep me mounted. I tell ya I felt like Ichabod Crane on old Gunpowder I did. So each of us had a 'handler' (that would be a donkey wrangler), who helped get us to the starting line. This was a rope held by two people, at different ends and it didn't stop one of the donkeys from pushing against it and almost tumbling both holders of the starting line. But to remedy this, the handlers moved us all forward up to the new starting place, and we were told that that was also the new finish line.
I felt utterly and absolutely ridiculous. Everyone on a donkey looked silly, but I felt I looked more foolish than any of them being so tall. But what could I do? I was committed to ride, and the kiddos were cheering me on along with the wife, so it was full steam ahead or no steam as the case seemed.
The donkeys jostled for position, except mine, who stood in the middle of the lot trying to doze. The rope went up and Fred fired his blank gun and that set us all off with a jolt of a start. Yes, me donkey suddenly came to life, it was like a bomb went off in his long ears. We bounced down the meadow, me holding on for dear life, me with me arms wrapped around Ernie's neck, me praying I didn't fall off and get trampled. As we all got boxed in at a turn, some donkeys in front decided to turn around and go back the way we had come making for quite a traffic jam. The spectators were laughing their arses off at this, until three of us got passed the jam and started forward, only the lead donkey went down the other side of the meadow and we two behind him followed. I tried pulling up, but me donkey would not go back he was a follower and that was that, no matter how much I tried to turn him, and I cursed him a blue streak I did.
As we were jogging down the hill (me trying to use me feet like brakes), I felt something behind me, as if someone had mounted up on Ernie to ride double. I could feel someone breathing heavily down me neck and I turned to look at who had jumped on, only to find a donkey called Mr. X doing the dirty to me donkey. The crowd was cheering and in hysterics and I can just imagine what that looked like. As the lead donkey headed back up the hill to the course, Mr. X lost his balance and had to chase after Ernie, who now free of his second rider, plunged up the hill passing the first donkey, me legs dragging along the grass, me body at times, half on, half sliding off. The cheers were animated with fist pumping and encouragement as we cleared the top of the hill, me managing to get back on from being nearly dragged and start around the ring. I was amazed to find meself FIRST!
I started to get into this, I could just possibly win it, but as we came to the edge of the wood me donkey went straight into it and I could not turn him back to the course, but no sooner had we entered the wood the other two donkeys entered with us and we all disappeared from the course, only to come out near the homestretch for the first time round. There we met one donkey and his woman jockey who never left the starting line, and as we passed her another was coming directly at us going in the wrong direction. As we made the second run around the field we could see another donkey way behind us trying to catch up, so there were four actually racing, the rest were either wandering off with their riders or standing in the middle of the course braying. I tell ya! Though there was one fella laying flat out on the ground, his donkey eating grass and himself laughing like a loon.
As we neared the pond I guess Ernie decided he was thirsty and so that's the direction we went. And he came to a screeching halt head going down to drink and me losing any kind of hold and almost sliding over his downed head and into the water. BUT I caught his mane and saved meself. Mr. X's rider wasn't so lucky. The splash frightened Ernie and the other donkey who had just caught up, and he spooked almost knocking me off backwards as he trotted off back towards the course, braying in fright, or simply wanting no instant reply of Mr. X taking privileges. We came around in a single file to the woods where we all went off course the first time, the donkey that we had met as we came round the first time, had changed direction and was right behind us, and the other one that was really fourth was trotting up fast, the young man riding was bouncing like a sack of balloons. How he managed to stay on I had no idea because he had lost his reins and they were slapping around his knees like a whip as the donkey galloped, that had to hurt, but he kept on holding for dear life to the mane.
"Margaret your cheating!" The husband on Mr. X yelled at the woman, obviously his wife.
"I can't help it," she yelled back, "I can't control this beast."
Out of the corner of me eye, I could see Mr. X gaining on Ernie and that wasn't a good thing. I didn't need another mating while you race experience so I gave Ernie two swift kicks and he began to gallop, which was an instant gaining of knowledge for yours truly. When he galloped I could stay on without sliding down his neck or back. It was like being on a rocking horse, BUT when he slowed it down back to a trot, me teeth rattled in me head from being bounced around like a bag of change and it didn't help the jewels AT ALL.
I saw the woods coming up and thought we could zip by them, but NO Ernie took the same path as last time, but so did the donkeys behind me! By now the real fourth place donkey had caught up and was now head to head with Mr. X. But Mr. X jolted forward when donkey number four, Missy Miss ridden by his wife Margaret, bit him on the arse. Next thing I know he's up next to me and on the inside comes the young man with no reins on Galoshes and we are in a three-way dead heat. The crowd was loving it, I could see the boyos jumping up and down like Mexican jumping beans, the wife cheering me on. Margaret who had cheated was one length in front of another young fella who was laughing so hard it was infectious. We must have looked like a bunch of clowns on donkeys, I know I felt like one.
We came back up the hill me first, then Galoshes, then Mr. X, then it was Ernie, then Mr. X, then Galoshes, I tell ya we were jocking for position until Mr. X's rider got in the middle and was bumped by Galoshes's jockey which knocked him half off his donkey and onto Ernie's neck. That slid me back where I was riding Ernie like a barrel and about to fall off. I desperately held onto the bit of mane under Arnold (Mr. X's rider) to keep from sliding off backwards into the hooves of a close following Margaret on Missy Miss and the laughing fella on a donkey named Jell-O.
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| Is donkey racing even a sport? |
Lucky for me when he came to the screeching halt so did the rest of them. Because he wasn't tall, I didn't have too far to fall and as a result wasn't hurt a bit. Though, I just missed being trampled and thanked me lucky stars that donkeys are dumb. If one stops they all stop. If one moves forward, they all move forward. I dunno. I remounted while the four of them were kicking and hitting the donkeys on the arse, and none moved until Ernie moved. And Ernie moved at a WALK! Ernie had had enough expending of energy for one day and was determined he was walking back to the barn which was in the opposite direction to the finish line which was only eight feet away!
I jumped off and I turned him back around and I hopped on and he stood there in protest and let out a loud bray almost deafening me. He was either going in the direction of the barn or he wasn't going anywhere. And neither were the other four. And one more caught up with us so we all had an even chance of winning IF we could get our donkey to move in that direction. And you had to be ON the thing you couldn't lead it. Oi!
So picture it, six adults kicking, cajoling, hitting with bare hands the arses of the arses and people cheering us on, giving us suggestions and there was the canoe being hoisted on saw horses, the paint buckets readied and us being taunted by Fred yelling, "You want this?" He gestured at the canoe, "YOU know you do. Come and get it!"
Rioght ye goo dare Freddie me, mate, I thought to meself as I brushed away a pesky deer fly from buzzing around me face. "Easier said than done," I muttered when suddenly, I almost fell off backwards when Ernie got bit by the deer fly and jolted over the finish line! Was I surprised? You know I was. Of course, I suffered whiplash as a result but I had the honour of selecting me colours for the canoe, which would be emerald green, orange and white. The other surprise be that Ernie is an Ernestine, he be a she that was what Mr. X knew that I didn't. I tell ya!
So now I have become famous at home as the winner of the Annual Labour Day Donkey Race. And, they have the canoe bobbing on the lake looking like the flag of Ireland, only they didn't exactly get the colours in the right order. Oh well.
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| Oh boy |
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
