25 June 2026
1175
R. Linda:
After the bear and moose fiascos, I decided to install a smart camera system around the abode. Me Mam thought it a "ridiculous waste of money," and me wife couldn't see the need.
"You have the trail cameras, why do we need a full-fledged surveillance system?"
Well, why indeed? Why not? Everyone seems to be getting them, if all the commercials on the telly are any indication.
I went ahead and did it anyway. I went with a top-of-the-line company. Cost me a small fortune, but I had 24/7 surveillance not only for home security of the two-legged kind, but for fire as well. Cameras outside, cameras inside, sensors on windows, fire detectors on the ceilings, you name it, I've got it.
At first, nothing much went on that I knew of, but I wasn't home all day, me apple-cheeked, grey-haired, sainted little Mam was. I'd ask if she went out and if she set the alarm.
"Oh, fur sure I did dat." She would say like she wasn't interested.
"Did you get any alerts, there Mam?" I would ask.
"Nooo, nuthin'." She'd say like she was distracted.
It wasn't until I was off on Friday that things began to happen. I thought with the first alert on me phone, that it was a good thing I had the system in, now I knew we weren't safe!
When the alarm went off, I had been in the lounge with me Mam, her knitting, and me watching the news. We both heard the sound of an alert on our phones, and the main system box was making a noise, so I looked at her, me eyes wide, me eyebrows raised to me hairline, and she, yes, SHE, just sat there, continuing to knit like nothing was happening.
"Do ye not hear dat?" I said, me nervous Irish accent coming out.
"It's nuthin'," she said, continuing to knit. "Luke agin an ye will see wot be da culprit, ye will."
I looked down, and the alert read, ANIMAL DETECTED OUTSIDE. You know me first thought was moose, then bear. If it was the bear, what was it stealing now? I ran outside. It was a squirrel!
After the fifteenth alert, I named the squirrel "Fernando" and began tracking its movements like a detective. Soon I knew more about Fernando's daily schedule than I did me own. The damn thing has got so used to me it doesn't seem to care how close I am to it. It chitters at me like it's laughing, but I don't care. I would be too embarrassed in front of Tonya and me Mam to admit this was a colossal mistake, the security system.
I even have a chart to track Fernando and family, yes, he has one! And I do this religiously, like it's the most important thing I have to do to keep me family safe from critters, squirrels in particular. It's the only way I can save face, or so I thought. I catch them laughing at me behind curtains, and pointing at Fernando or me, or sometimes both of us, roaring with laughter like I can't hear them.
Recently, the motion sensor went off. I grabbed me coffee and me notebook, but couldn't find Fernando's chart. Acting quickly, I marched outside, determined to finally prove the system had some value. There, sitting on the deck railing, was Fernando. Not only was he waiting for me, but the little bastard had also somehow dragged off my chart. He sat there holding it in his paws, staring me dead in the eye.
"Give that back," I said.
Fernando chittered, flicked his tail, and disappeared into the woods with six days of carefully documented squirrel intelligence. It didn't help me ego when me Mam popped her head out the door and said, "Lukes like he's collectin' info on you now!"
It was then I realised the truth. I hadn't installed a security system to watch the wildlife. I'd installed a security system so a squirrel could spend all summer watching an Irish fool slowly lose his mind. It was Fernando running the operation, not me! The worst part of all this is that I still check the alerts every morning, just in case he comes back!
Tonya even gloats over me with this: "What did you expect living in the sticks? This isn't the city where, yeah, a security system is a good idea; this is Wild Kingdom, where animals run the show."
But habits are hard to break.
Just this morning, the motion sensor went off at 6:14 a.m. I opened the app, and there was Fernando, sitting on the deck rail, staring directly into the camera.
I swear on me Ma's good frying pan, the little fecker was holding a ripped piece of me chart and looking at his watch. I'm no longer entirely certain which one of us is under surveillance.
Gabe
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