22 July 2026
1191
R. Linda:
I don't know what it is, or why, but I was given a new intern to shadow me. I was told I did such a good job with Ms. Jaio that I was the first to come to mind for this new one. When they had Ms. Jaio shadow me, I thought they were thinking of replacing me, so I didn't really show her 'everything', if you get me drift. Despite that, she caught on, and the topping on the sundae for me was that she put in for a position where she'd be in me department. As you know, all that worked out to me advantage.
So, this time I didn't baulk. I told Ms. Jaio that "we" had an intern coming and I'd appreciate her help and people skills. She said, "Anytig u need." I sat back with a smile, that, yes, indeed, anything I need, like pawning this newbie off on Ms. Jaio.
Mallory Crutz walked into me office and introduced herself as me new charge. Mallory had thick glasses that made her eyes look huge, and an overbite that was alarming if you got too close. All in all, she looked like a bug, or as Ms. Jaio whispered to me later, "She looks lack mosqueezo" (mosquito). Unfortunately, this put me in gales of laughter, and I couldn't help it every time Mallory popped her head in my office to say a word or two. I wondered if she knew I was laughing at her, but I tried me best to reassure her that I was working on a funny story, which I would not share the jokes of because "it be unfinished." How she could not think I was laughing at her, I don't know, but like I say, I be not sure she didn't know that. It got worse because Ms. Jaio understood that every time she said the word "mosqueezo," we'd both burst out laughing. I kept hearing Ms. Jaio's words, and I lost it every time.
Within four hours of levity, I managed to lose Ms. Crutz. I waited 15 more minutes for her to show up, but she didn't. I covertly alerted the newroom, and the entire staff started searching for her, which amazed me that they'd do that. For another 45 minutes, there was still no sign of the missing Mallory Crutz. I was thinking of all kinds of excuses for where she could be if Cruella asked.
Well, it turns out Missy Crutz had wandered into the sports department, and nobody questioned it, because she "looked busy."
"Busy doing what?" I asked one of the pumped geniuses who works in there.
"I dunno. She had a bunch of folders in her arms, and she was looking at the titles, and I thought she was working on something for us."
Yeah, probably looking to see if any datable material was available. She was single and looking; she told Jaio that. Anyway, that was a quick thought.
"Like?" I pushed, truly curious as to why he would think that, since folders and sports writers don't seem to mix. I couldn't see a folder anywhere in there, just a lot of paper crushed into balls strewn all around the room.
"The FIFA stuff." He sounded clueless about why anyone in the sports department would be filing through folders for a soccer organisation, especially since all the deadlines for the "FIFA stuff" were met hours ago. He sat there in a defensive posture, almost daring me to ask him to try to explain all that. I did not; it wasn't worth the effort of standing there and listening to a full load of malarchy.
I got Ms Crutz's attention and signalled with my head to follow me. Once in the hallway, I asked her why she was with the sports staff.
"You looked busy, so I thought I'd take a look around." Oh, now I looked busy.
"YOU were supposed to be filing those," I pointed at the folders in her arms, "and instead, you are taking a tour of the sports department."
She stood there with that myopic gaze I was trying not to laugh at. I felt like I was bullying a two-year-old by that time. I told her to return to filing, and then we'd find something a little more "meaty" for her to sink those buck teeth into. Well, I didn't say it like that, though I did think it. I was pissed she'd wander away without a word to either Ms. Jaio or me.
This wasn't working for me. I didn't know that I could last four weeks with Ms. Crutz. So far, she's managed to wander off several times. Let me see, we started with the sports department, then we visited the style and entertainment staff. To make matters more interesting, we were lurking around the Obit writers like we were taking bets on what famous person is dying next, and finally, we were busy conversing with the editorial staff and giving input on reporters working for the paper, as well as who should be assigned what at the assignment desk! WHO IS SHE?
Marjorie, the editor Mallory had 'latched" onto, looked none too happy. I surmised Ms. Crutz was cruising around the paper to see if she'd rather be somewhere other than the political reporting team. I also found out, or I should give Ms. Jaio the credit, that Ms. Crutz is one opinionated person. She has opinions on EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.
Ms. Jaio clued me in first with this gem: "Geez Gobriel, she'z makin' mi crazee wit ah tellin' me every little tig I do is wong. She even tole me I hol mi pen wong."
I'd almost felt sorry for Jaio, but make no mistake, when it comes to Ms. Jaio, she is a piranha at getting even.
I was talking on the phone to a contact, and Ms. Crutz was leaning against the doorframe. I signalled her to come in and sit down. She did and stared at me the entire time, making me feel self-conscious that I was doing something wrong. Well, I didn't have to wait too long to find out what.
"You really need to hold that phone away from your ear. You know you can get brain tumours from holding it too close. Or, try this: put it on speaker. Here, I'll show you how," and she held out her hand like I should hand the phone over. I did not. I sat there staring back at her like she had two heads. I said nothing, got up, and left her sitting there, then pawned her off on Ms. Jaio, who sighed heavily and whispered, "You owe mi."
Filing was done, I promised "meat," and I told Jaio to find something like that to keep Ms. Crutz busy and in our department. Well, Jaio took me literally; I should have known better. When I returned, they were both in the break room. Jaio was supervising Mallory making sandwiches.
Ms. Jaio was saying, "Bread fist, den turkay, canberree sauce, litess, mayo, bread, cut wid nif."
It seems Ms. Jaio had Ms. Crutz make turkey sandwiches for the entire floor. I was gobsmacked.
I put an end to that instantly, after grabbing a sannie and stuffing me cakehole. With a mouthful of sannie, I told Ms. Crutz to go find me a Johnny Walker Stat (I was kidding). When I turned around, she was gone.
Off she went, never asking me who Johnny Walker was or where he was located. No, she was happy to be out of the break room, and so she disappeared. Not just for the rest of the day, but for the next day and the day after that...
Well, between Ms. Jaio and me, I am the only journalist capable of misplacing a human being. BUT, I did come in to work today to find a bottle of Johnny Walker Red sitting on me desk. I stuck it in a drawer instantly before Cruella came by and deemed I must be an alcoholic. I am tense now because I have no clue where in the building Ms. Crutz is.
Gabe
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