250
R. Linda:
After me New Year's Eve fiasco, me wife not talking to me (but I was sure everyone in the neighbourhood was talking ABOUT me), I decided to lay low and took meself out to me car, me renegade, runaway car. I kicked the tyres I was so angry at it, and would have taken a tyre iron to it, but unfortunately, we need the car.
But we have another car, one that you don't trust on long trips, but will get one to the greengrocers and back, but not much further. THAT car be where I went after kicking the shite out of the other one. It be an older model that I paid a whole $200 for. It was a second, or more like a fourth-hand model I bought for kicking around once we moved to the "sticks."
Anyway, it has a 4 horsepower engine and no amenities. No radio, no heat, no nothing. It sits in the covered part of the shed doing not much but gathering dust, lots of dust. But, it be perfect for a snow plow. Yes, I hitched up the snow plow to the old piece of crap. Took me a while, but once I had it on I turned to the renegade Volkswagen and said with disdain, "Now there's a car," I pointed me screwdriver at the junk (as if the Volkswagen could comprehend what I did, and what I said, and feel bad about its behaviour the night before). I think like that sometimes. It be a bad habit I cannot seem to break. As a young child, I remember I slammed me bedroom door when it came back and hit me in the face. I proceeded to curse and kick it as if it hit me on purpose. I also remember trying to fix me wooden wagon and I sheared off a screw head in the process. I beat up on that wagon as if it had also purposely made it impossible to fix it properly. I did a lot of that stuff with inanimate objects and to this day I still do. I know better, but for some insane reason I can't get hold of meself and I let loose on these things like they are purposely plotting against yours truly succeeding at anything.
So, that aside, I stood back admiring me snow plow car when the first snowflakes started to fall. We were getting the so-called Nor'easter that we didn't get the night before, and yours truly was thrilled. I went inside, lit a fire and waited, yes I did, I sat there all day in anticipation, watching the snow pile up, the inches rolled in two an hour, three an hour, it was nirvana I tell you.
Finally, after almost two feet had fallen, I went outside and started up the old piece of crap. It coughed and sputtered to life like an old man who didn't want to be disturbed, but then it started to purr like a kitten. I gave the Volkswagen the bird as I drove on passed it. I got the lever on the snow plow in neutral position, and with childlike delight, I let the lever down and I was in business, me plow was pushing the white stuff out of me way as I made me way down the driveway, I waved to me stunned old neighbour in the big house as he looked out with an expression of amazement and incredulousness at me plowing on by. I was so thrilled with me progress down the hill I pulled on down the road to Lois Ogden's drive. I put me plow lever down again and put the leather to the metal and gunned me way up her driveway when suddenly I lost traction and found meself in a ditch.
The more I tried to get the car moving, the deeper it sank. There was nothing for it, the plow was wide and top-heavy. I rang up Tonya and she was not pleasant to talk to once she found out whose driveway I was entrenched in. She got me old neighbour and they came down with his lawn tractor, yes I know, the sight of THAT in the snow was just too bizarre, but between them, they managed to somehow pull me car plow free.
Me old neighbour told me he'd never seen a snow plow on a compact car before. But thanked me for plowing his driveway, making it easier to drive the lawn tractor down to help me out. With that, he took off back up the road toward his house. Tonya had got in the car plow and was sitting there looking at me like I was someone to be pitied.
"Seriously Gabe, a car plow?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.
"Seriously," I answered putting the car in gear and returning to our abode encased in silence the entire way.
I wanted to tell her how fantastic the plow had worked at first, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't get Lois's driveway done, but I didn't dare mention Lois. Nor did she look like she wanted to hear about me invention, the car plow. Afterwards, there was no mention of the car plow or Lois, or anything else. She refused to talk to me.
A week later, when the ice was on the way to breaking between us, it started to snow. Just what I was looking forward to. I had made some adjustments on the car plow and I knew I could get it to push the snow uphill, I just knew it. I had tyre chains! So here was me opportunity to try again. No sooner had the snow let up, I hopped in and plowed out the driveway, and this time me old neighbour, his wife, his visiting daughter, son-in-law and a number of grandkids all stood in the window, their mouths 'O's as I drove on by waving, the snow parting like the Red Sea as I passed by and down the driveway. I got to the road and started onto Lois's drive and once I had it in me sights, I gunned that baby and started to fly up her driveway at a frightening pace, the snow flying like jets on either side, when suddenly I lost traction again and plowed meself into another ditch, this one wider and deeper than the first one. I could not believe it. I rang up Tonya. She was more than hostile she was incensed with bad humour.
"You are where? Whose driveway? Oh, don't you tell me Lois Ogden's driveway, because if you do, you and that dumb car can stay there and rot." CLICK.
She hung up on me, she did, and I was stunned. I got out and saw Lois on her way towards me with two big boards.
"Looks like you got yourself hung up thar Gabriel," she said dropping one board. She started to wedge the other under me back tyre and then she did the same with the other one. "Okay thar Gabe, get in and try to back it up, but let me tell you right away, I think it will take more than boards to get you out."
I thanked her, got in and gave it a go, but only dug meself in deeper. Tonya must have called me old neighbour Harold because he came down with his son-on-law Edward to help. Both of them agreed there was no getting the car plow out of the ditch. So they called a tow truck. I told them all to go back to their warm homes, I'd wait for the truck. Did I mention me car plow has no heat?
About thirty cold minutes later I could hear the gears of something big coming me way. As the headlamps amplified the snow falling I could vaguely make out a tow truck. I stumbled out onto the driveway almost frozen to death to flag the man down. As he pulled up, he rolled down his window and looked down at me like fish bait. I knew that look, I knew him, damn it it was PERCY, Officer Mercer of the Law.
"Evening thar Gabriel, got yourself stuck did you?" He sneered in self-delight.
"Second job there PERCY?" I sneered back, I was fit to be tied in the first place and he wasn't in uniform so MAKE MY DAY BASTARD.
"Watch yourself thar Gabriel, be terrible the car plow stays where it is until spring, or maybe even summer," He sneered more.
"Just get it out!" I said waving me arms in the car plow's direction.
Without a word, he pulled the tow truck up and then positioned it carefully. He got out, looked the car plow over, and started laughing as he got back in his truck. Within five minutes he had it out of the ditch.
"Charge for this is steep Gabriel, you wanna pay me now or I tow this baby bizarro to the compound?"
Baby bizarro was all I heard. He was getting me mad now. I threw me baseball cap on the snowy ground as if I'd thrown down a gauntlet.
"You don't want to see baby bizarro ever again now do you Gabriel?" Percy asked all condescending.
"How much?"
Percy took an intake of breath.
"How much?" He scratched his head as if thinking.
I asked again knowing I didn't have to be nice to someone who wasn't in uniform and by all rights was working for ME.
"Well . . . let's see," and he started counting on his fingers as he had seen me do when he asked me how old I was, I knew he was mocking me. "That'll be 79 buckeroos."
Why 79? Why not round it off to 80? I notice they do that a lot here, nothing is for a rounded price.
"79 bucks for THIS?" I asked.
"Well, for you it's a discount from my usual 125 buckeroos."
"You take cards? I don't have any cash on me," I said so done with him.
"Sure do Gabriel, hand it up and I'll get you all set," he said like he was doing me a favour.
$79.00 lighter I slowly drove me car plow home. I knew the chill factor was setting in at me house, that it would be another week before me wife spoke to me, but it would be the end of me trying to plow Lois Ogden's driveway. In the back of me mind, I wanted to repay her for at least trying to rescue me from me unexpected plunge down me old neighbour's driveway New Year's Eve night. And even more secretly her driveway was me test drive to see if I could actually get the snow plow to do its job on an uphill piece of snowy ground. Now I'd never be able to see if I could get it to do that, and so everyone will laugh at me car plow, but one day, yes, one day, I will prove them all WRONG. Sigh.
The one, the only CAR PLOW!
Gabe
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
After me New Year's Eve fiasco, me wife not talking to me (but I was sure everyone in the neighbourhood was talking ABOUT me), I decided to lay low and took meself out to me car, me renegade, runaway car. I kicked the tyres I was so angry at it, and would have taken a tyre iron to it, but unfortunately, we need the car.
But we have another car, one that you don't trust on long trips, but will get one to the greengrocers and back, but not much further. THAT car be where I went after kicking the shite out of the other one. It be an older model that I paid a whole $200 for. It was a second, or more like a fourth-hand model I bought for kicking around once we moved to the "sticks."
Anyway, it has a 4 horsepower engine and no amenities. No radio, no heat, no nothing. It sits in the covered part of the shed doing not much but gathering dust, lots of dust. But, it be perfect for a snow plow. Yes, I hitched up the snow plow to the old piece of crap. Took me a while, but once I had it on I turned to the renegade Volkswagen and said with disdain, "Now there's a car," I pointed me screwdriver at the junk (as if the Volkswagen could comprehend what I did, and what I said, and feel bad about its behaviour the night before). I think like that sometimes. It be a bad habit I cannot seem to break. As a young child, I remember I slammed me bedroom door when it came back and hit me in the face. I proceeded to curse and kick it as if it hit me on purpose. I also remember trying to fix me wooden wagon and I sheared off a screw head in the process. I beat up on that wagon as if it had also purposely made it impossible to fix it properly. I did a lot of that stuff with inanimate objects and to this day I still do. I know better, but for some insane reason I can't get hold of meself and I let loose on these things like they are purposely plotting against yours truly succeeding at anything.
So, that aside, I stood back admiring me snow plow car when the first snowflakes started to fall. We were getting the so-called Nor'easter that we didn't get the night before, and yours truly was thrilled. I went inside, lit a fire and waited, yes I did, I sat there all day in anticipation, watching the snow pile up, the inches rolled in two an hour, three an hour, it was nirvana I tell you.
Finally, after almost two feet had fallen, I went outside and started up the old piece of crap. It coughed and sputtered to life like an old man who didn't want to be disturbed, but then it started to purr like a kitten. I gave the Volkswagen the bird as I drove on passed it. I got the lever on the snow plow in neutral position, and with childlike delight, I let the lever down and I was in business, me plow was pushing the white stuff out of me way as I made me way down the driveway, I waved to me stunned old neighbour in the big house as he looked out with an expression of amazement and incredulousness at me plowing on by. I was so thrilled with me progress down the hill I pulled on down the road to Lois Ogden's drive. I put me plow lever down again and put the leather to the metal and gunned me way up her driveway when suddenly I lost traction and found meself in a ditch.
The more I tried to get the car moving, the deeper it sank. There was nothing for it, the plow was wide and top-heavy. I rang up Tonya and she was not pleasant to talk to once she found out whose driveway I was entrenched in. She got me old neighbour and they came down with his lawn tractor, yes I know, the sight of THAT in the snow was just too bizarre, but between them, they managed to somehow pull me car plow free.
Me old neighbour told me he'd never seen a snow plow on a compact car before. But thanked me for plowing his driveway, making it easier to drive the lawn tractor down to help me out. With that, he took off back up the road toward his house. Tonya had got in the car plow and was sitting there looking at me like I was someone to be pitied.
"Seriously Gabe, a car plow?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.
"Seriously," I answered putting the car in gear and returning to our abode encased in silence the entire way.
I wanted to tell her how fantastic the plow had worked at first, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't get Lois's driveway done, but I didn't dare mention Lois. Nor did she look like she wanted to hear about me invention, the car plow. Afterwards, there was no mention of the car plow or Lois, or anything else. She refused to talk to me.
A week later, when the ice was on the way to breaking between us, it started to snow. Just what I was looking forward to. I had made some adjustments on the car plow and I knew I could get it to push the snow uphill, I just knew it. I had tyre chains! So here was me opportunity to try again. No sooner had the snow let up, I hopped in and plowed out the driveway, and this time me old neighbour, his wife, his visiting daughter, son-in-law and a number of grandkids all stood in the window, their mouths 'O's as I drove on by waving, the snow parting like the Red Sea as I passed by and down the driveway. I got to the road and started onto Lois's drive and once I had it in me sights, I gunned that baby and started to fly up her driveway at a frightening pace, the snow flying like jets on either side, when suddenly I lost traction again and plowed meself into another ditch, this one wider and deeper than the first one. I could not believe it. I rang up Tonya. She was more than hostile she was incensed with bad humour.
"You are where? Whose driveway? Oh, don't you tell me Lois Ogden's driveway, because if you do, you and that dumb car can stay there and rot." CLICK.
She hung up on me, she did, and I was stunned. I got out and saw Lois on her way towards me with two big boards.
"Looks like you got yourself hung up thar Gabriel," she said dropping one board. She started to wedge the other under me back tyre and then she did the same with the other one. "Okay thar Gabe, get in and try to back it up, but let me tell you right away, I think it will take more than boards to get you out."
I thanked her, got in and gave it a go, but only dug meself in deeper. Tonya must have called me old neighbour Harold because he came down with his son-on-law Edward to help. Both of them agreed there was no getting the car plow out of the ditch. So they called a tow truck. I told them all to go back to their warm homes, I'd wait for the truck. Did I mention me car plow has no heat?
About thirty cold minutes later I could hear the gears of something big coming me way. As the headlamps amplified the snow falling I could vaguely make out a tow truck. I stumbled out onto the driveway almost frozen to death to flag the man down. As he pulled up, he rolled down his window and looked down at me like fish bait. I knew that look, I knew him, damn it it was PERCY, Officer Mercer of the Law.
"Evening thar Gabriel, got yourself stuck did you?" He sneered in self-delight.
"Second job there PERCY?" I sneered back, I was fit to be tied in the first place and he wasn't in uniform so MAKE MY DAY BASTARD.
"Watch yourself thar Gabriel, be terrible the car plow stays where it is until spring, or maybe even summer," He sneered more.
"Just get it out!" I said waving me arms in the car plow's direction.
Without a word, he pulled the tow truck up and then positioned it carefully. He got out, looked the car plow over, and started laughing as he got back in his truck. Within five minutes he had it out of the ditch.
"Charge for this is steep Gabriel, you wanna pay me now or I tow this baby bizarro to the compound?"
Baby bizarro was all I heard. He was getting me mad now. I threw me baseball cap on the snowy ground as if I'd thrown down a gauntlet.
"You don't want to see baby bizarro ever again now do you Gabriel?" Percy asked all condescending.
"How much?"
Percy took an intake of breath.
"How much?" He scratched his head as if thinking.
I asked again knowing I didn't have to be nice to someone who wasn't in uniform and by all rights was working for ME.
"Well . . . let's see," and he started counting on his fingers as he had seen me do when he asked me how old I was, I knew he was mocking me. "That'll be 79 buckeroos."
Why 79? Why not round it off to 80? I notice they do that a lot here, nothing is for a rounded price.
"79 bucks for THIS?" I asked.
"Well, for you it's a discount from my usual 125 buckeroos."
"You take cards? I don't have any cash on me," I said so done with him.
"Sure do Gabriel, hand it up and I'll get you all set," he said like he was doing me a favour.
$79.00 lighter I slowly drove me car plow home. I knew the chill factor was setting in at me house, that it would be another week before me wife spoke to me, but it would be the end of me trying to plow Lois Ogden's driveway. In the back of me mind, I wanted to repay her for at least trying to rescue me from me unexpected plunge down me old neighbour's driveway New Year's Eve night. And even more secretly her driveway was me test drive to see if I could actually get the snow plow to do its job on an uphill piece of snowy ground. Now I'd never be able to see if I could get it to do that, and so everyone will laugh at me car plow, but one day, yes, one day, I will prove them all WRONG. Sigh.
The one, the only CAR PLOW!
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
