68
R. Linda:
In me zeal to get light in the flat, I have found many a cat present in the dark corners. I did not know how one day of no poo pan could make a cat have to go half a dozen times at least. I thought it was me clothes smelling of cat urine and wondered how that could be since they were all new and just out of wrappers. I started sniffing around and sure enough everywhere smelled of cat! I got me trusty flashlight and that's when I discovered the accumulation of cat shite. Let's say it together with proper pronunciation shall we? Caaat shaaaittte.
There I was cleaning all the messes and there Pee was perched on the plumb hassock watching me out of those yellow slitty snake eyes. She had a smug look on her catty face and I wanted to push her face in the stuff, but then I noticed her face is all pushed in anyway and thought to meself that her owner must have already done this. Later I discovered because of the breed her face is naturally that way, and oh the disappointment because there I be imagining her furry face . . . never mind.
Once I got done, I used the good old Febreze on the place and the offensive odour seemed to be gone except, for a faint whiff every so often if I opened a window and the breeze waifs in just right.
After work yesterday, I went out and bought halogen lights, or as I misread hooligan lights. I set them up in all the rooms so I could freaking see. What I discovered is that I live in a mini-museum. There are knickknacks all over the place. Those damn eggs out populate the furniture and there is a lot of that. What I did discover by accident, is that there is a woman who comes to clean twice a week. She has her own key and like the faeries back home, you never see her, but you know she was there.
I thought I was losing me cotton picking mind when I came home Monday from me first uneventful day of work or lack of, to find the furniture I had moved out of me way (so I wouldn't break me fool neck), had all magically been moved back. How'd I find this out? Easy, I came into the dark place and immediately tripped over a hassock. Yes, the same hassock Pee-trova uses like a throne to watch me from. The stupid cat was on one of the tables probably laughing. I thought Pee had moved the hassock and roundly cursed her from me spot on the floor, until me brain kicked in and I noticed a lot of other things were moved about the place and that no way, no how (to borrow a Weasil expression), was that cat capable of moving heavy furniture around.
I scrapped meself up off the floor, ignored the smug look on Pee's pushed in face and went into the kitchen. There all the dishes had been done and put back, the spilled kitty litter was no where to be stepped in, and everything sparkled. Yes, R. Linda, the place sparkled in the dim light. I blinked me eyes thinking I was in someone else's place, until Pee haughtily walked in, tail in the air like a flag heralding herself had arrived. I realised there was only one cat in the world that looked like THAT. The thought I was not alone struck me as I saw something or someone out the corner of me eye. I twisted around quickly almost putting me back out to see it was not someone else, but the vacuum dressed as a person.
Who in their right mind puts a covering that looks like a maid over a vacuum cleaner? I ask you now. Was this a ploy for me to have a heart attack and drop dead on the floor? The dim light was enough the shadow cast, made me see the outline of a human being. When I whirled around in Tai Chi position to take on the intruder, I found me eyes adjusting to the sight of a make believe person doubling as a vacuum cleaner! Begorrah.
I be sure that stupid cat was sitting there snickering at it all. I ignored her and set about messing up the kitchen with pots and pans riddled with Spaghetti O's, which I had put in the oven to bake. I didn't read the stove-top directions, and you can imagine the mess of it all. I did not want Pee to see I had made a blunder and appropriately oohed and ahhed over the "feast" as though it was just that. She turned tail and slowly marched out. This only because she had sniffed the air and realised there was no chicken livers in it, and the smell of burnt food was obvious. What I don't do to outsmart that cat!
Yes indeed, the thought of setting the Pee Cat lose on the hordes in San Francisco was a tempting thought. She could wander the streets (after I accidentally on purpose let her out), and I could indeed tell her owner she got out and I could not lure her back. I chuckle at the thought of it, but for one thing: I have it in me mind that the Pee Cat would dominate the sidewalks. She'd become world famous and adored by the masses of cat lovers and I, would be made to look the villain for putting her fancy self out from her comfortable Russian palace of darkness and mass collection of expensive eggs.
You know, about those eggs . . . I'd love to pelt them out the window at the bloody cat to send her on her way. Smash, crash, blollloooshhh! But then I'd end up doing restitution for the rest of me miserable life and that would only give the Pee Cat satisfaction I was bested. I gave up the thought of it all and sat with one leg draped over a plumped up arm chair tossing one of them in the air. The owner would have me head to see me doing such with one of her prize possessions. I did refrain from that when I noticed Pee watching me from behind the lamp on the table across the room. I thought I might roll it over to her on the floor and let her have at it. You know cat games with the egg rolling about the floor, Pee in pursuit. But I know that cat wouldn't do it. Wouldn't give me a reason to have her booted. No, there are too many eggs around and not a one out of place so we know Pee Cat doesn't play that game. It would be me being booted if she could pick up the phone and ring up her owner.
I placed the thing back on the table and then it suddenly hit me, what if inside each of these millions of eggs there are things living inside? Things as dastardly as the Pee Cat? What if in another week they all hatch?
I be losing me mind. I have to get out of here.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
In me zeal to get light in the flat, I have found many a cat present in the dark corners. I did not know how one day of no poo pan could make a cat have to go half a dozen times at least. I thought it was me clothes smelling of cat urine and wondered how that could be since they were all new and just out of wrappers. I started sniffing around and sure enough everywhere smelled of cat! I got me trusty flashlight and that's when I discovered the accumulation of cat shite. Let's say it together with proper pronunciation shall we? Caaat shaaaittte.
There I was cleaning all the messes and there Pee was perched on the plumb hassock watching me out of those yellow slitty snake eyes. She had a smug look on her catty face and I wanted to push her face in the stuff, but then I noticed her face is all pushed in anyway and thought to meself that her owner must have already done this. Later I discovered because of the breed her face is naturally that way, and oh the disappointment because there I be imagining her furry face . . . never mind.
Once I got done, I used the good old Febreze on the place and the offensive odour seemed to be gone except, for a faint whiff every so often if I opened a window and the breeze waifs in just right.
After work yesterday, I went out and bought halogen lights, or as I misread hooligan lights. I set them up in all the rooms so I could freaking see. What I discovered is that I live in a mini-museum. There are knickknacks all over the place. Those damn eggs out populate the furniture and there is a lot of that. What I did discover by accident, is that there is a woman who comes to clean twice a week. She has her own key and like the faeries back home, you never see her, but you know she was there.
I thought I was losing me cotton picking mind when I came home Monday from me first uneventful day of work or lack of, to find the furniture I had moved out of me way (so I wouldn't break me fool neck), had all magically been moved back. How'd I find this out? Easy, I came into the dark place and immediately tripped over a hassock. Yes, the same hassock Pee-trova uses like a throne to watch me from. The stupid cat was on one of the tables probably laughing. I thought Pee had moved the hassock and roundly cursed her from me spot on the floor, until me brain kicked in and I noticed a lot of other things were moved about the place and that no way, no how (to borrow a Weasil expression), was that cat capable of moving heavy furniture around.
I scrapped meself up off the floor, ignored the smug look on Pee's pushed in face and went into the kitchen. There all the dishes had been done and put back, the spilled kitty litter was no where to be stepped in, and everything sparkled. Yes, R. Linda, the place sparkled in the dim light. I blinked me eyes thinking I was in someone else's place, until Pee haughtily walked in, tail in the air like a flag heralding herself had arrived. I realised there was only one cat in the world that looked like THAT. The thought I was not alone struck me as I saw something or someone out the corner of me eye. I twisted around quickly almost putting me back out to see it was not someone else, but the vacuum dressed as a person.
Who in their right mind puts a covering that looks like a maid over a vacuum cleaner? I ask you now. Was this a ploy for me to have a heart attack and drop dead on the floor? The dim light was enough the shadow cast, made me see the outline of a human being. When I whirled around in Tai Chi position to take on the intruder, I found me eyes adjusting to the sight of a make believe person doubling as a vacuum cleaner! Begorrah.
I be sure that stupid cat was sitting there snickering at it all. I ignored her and set about messing up the kitchen with pots and pans riddled with Spaghetti O's, which I had put in the oven to bake. I didn't read the stove-top directions, and you can imagine the mess of it all. I did not want Pee to see I had made a blunder and appropriately oohed and ahhed over the "feast" as though it was just that. She turned tail and slowly marched out. This only because she had sniffed the air and realised there was no chicken livers in it, and the smell of burnt food was obvious. What I don't do to outsmart that cat!
Yes indeed, the thought of setting the Pee Cat lose on the hordes in San Francisco was a tempting thought. She could wander the streets (after I accidentally on purpose let her out), and I could indeed tell her owner she got out and I could not lure her back. I chuckle at the thought of it, but for one thing: I have it in me mind that the Pee Cat would dominate the sidewalks. She'd become world famous and adored by the masses of cat lovers and I, would be made to look the villain for putting her fancy self out from her comfortable Russian palace of darkness and mass collection of expensive eggs.
You know, about those eggs . . . I'd love to pelt them out the window at the bloody cat to send her on her way. Smash, crash, blollloooshhh! But then I'd end up doing restitution for the rest of me miserable life and that would only give the Pee Cat satisfaction I was bested. I gave up the thought of it all and sat with one leg draped over a plumped up arm chair tossing one of them in the air. The owner would have me head to see me doing such with one of her prize possessions. I did refrain from that when I noticed Pee watching me from behind the lamp on the table across the room. I thought I might roll it over to her on the floor and let her have at it. You know cat games with the egg rolling about the floor, Pee in pursuit. But I know that cat wouldn't do it. Wouldn't give me a reason to have her booted. No, there are too many eggs around and not a one out of place so we know Pee Cat doesn't play that game. It would be me being booted if she could pick up the phone and ring up her owner.
I placed the thing back on the table and then it suddenly hit me, what if inside each of these millions of eggs there are things living inside? Things as dastardly as the Pee Cat? What if in another week they all hatch?
I be losing me mind. I have to get out of here.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
