30 June 2019
959
R. Linda:
Me Mam has a friend named Irene. Irene is the gullible type she is, and this gets her into trouble more often than not. Only this time, she got Mam deep in the mix with her.
Irene had been at her daughter-in-law's recently where she happened to drop in on the end of a 'Tupperware party' the daughter-in-law was giving. The orders had been put in, and the 'girls' were all sitting around the kitchen island chatting and laughing when Irene came in and found herself enjoying the happy time.
The 'Tupperware' person was a delightful young woman who was telling the 'girls' that if they gave a party in their own home, they'd get $50 worth of free product. Well, Irene was going to ask to buy a Tupperware set of canisters, but on hearing of the $50 worth of product, well, why do that when you can throw a party (which would be fun) and get free Tupperware? So, as the woman handed out her cards, Irene took one (much to the daughter-in-law's surprise) and said to everyone, "This sounds like a good time, and I have lots of friends that would be interested in your products."
The amazed look on the daughter-in-law's face didn't register enough for Irene to question why she looked at her like she was. This made her nervous, and she thought the daughter-in-law thought she was just offering lip service and would be embarrassed if Irene didn't throw a Tupperware party. So, right then and there, Irene set a date on the Tupperware lady's calendar with giggles from the 'girls', and high fives went all around with a toast to Irene for being a "good sport!"
I think if this were me OR me Mam, we would have stopped short and questioned the strange behaviour. I mean, who gets high fives and toasts for hosting a Tupperware party? Well, Irene did nothing of the kind. Instead, she went home and invited her friends to a party on 29 June. All accepted, including me little grey-haired apple-cheeked Mam!
As it happens, Irene was having work done in her kitchen, and the workers were not going to be done by the 29th, sooo she asked me Mam, if they could move the party to our house. And, of course, it was moved.
Yesterday morning, Tonya and the hens had a last fitting for their bridesmaids' dresses, but she assured Mam she and the hens would be back in time to help with the party. Well, 3:30 (party time) was rolling around, Tonya and the hens were busy in the kitchen putting out cakes and coffee, and the 'girls' were arriving along with Irene, all bearing goodies. Yes, I was out there in the mix, helping set up as I enforced quality control to make sure all tasted wonderful. The 'Tupperware' lady arrived with two big suitcases full of product, and after we got the dog put up, the ladies went into the living room for the demos. I stood in the kitchen munching and dipping a rather delicious honey cake in me coffee.
I was paying no attention really, until there was a shocked sound that wafted from the living room, and then the booming voice of the Tupperware lady said, "Now ladies, when you are home alone, THIS vibrator will make for a delicious time alone."
I didn't think I heard right until I glanced over at the living room and saw the "home alone wand" made of "tempered glass," the woman said, "Just look at the smooth shaft, and when I turn it on, you can hardly hear it!"
I stood there, the honey cake drooling out of me open and very stunned mouth, and yes, indeed, I was outta there like I got hit with lightning, soggy honey cake and all.
I went into my office, which was on the other side of our open living kitchen and living room, to hide and laugh my arse off because the look on all the women's faces was first of shock, the older ones of slight indignation, the younger ones giggling their fool heads off and me Mam's face a lovely shade of scarlet as she looked at the equally red-faced Irene. Even the cat looked like WHAT?
"Now ladies, you should all know where your g-spot is," the Tupperware lady was saying, "this wand is external as well as internal. You see here on the side is a stimulation number where you can set the wand to the controlled amount of stimulation you want. We have another vibrator . . . which is this one, which is called the Knock Out Wand, which comes with its own battery pack and this one which we will get to in a moment, the red one is called the Rocket, and you can lock that one."
I was near howling with laughter and near about rolling around with the dog on the floor over the looks I could imagine going around the living room. I went upstairs to escape, leaving man's best friend locked in the office. Once upstairs, I went into my Mam's sitting room and switched on the telly. I went there because it was the farthest away place, but I could still hear that woman's booming sales pitch, "This cream, if you rub it on your man, will get him excited beyond belief, ladies." OMG! I turned the volume up high enough a deaf person could hear it, but still, I could hear her, and at one point, I opened the door because it sounded like she was right outside it.
"THIS fragrance is for you ladies to get the mood going, you know what I mean?" Lots of laughter and a WHOO HOO thrown in. I was thinking that sounded like me wife's voice, nah couldn't be or could it?
Well, I must have looked at 40 Chopped episodes thinking this party thing would be over in an hour, but no, it went on for 3 hours of WHOO HOO, and WOWZERS, and I WANT ONE OF THOSE, and WAIT UNTIL MY HUSBAND SEES THIS! Yup.
I was so hungry from watching the cooking programme but too intimidated to go down to the kitchen. I was sitting there fashioning wall plans for the kitchen so it wouldn't be open living, in case this sort of thing became a habit and I could sneak down unseen and raid the goodie bar. I was interrupted by a WHOOP DE DO! that almost flew me out of me chair. It was so loud and said with much exhilaration. I wondered what they were doing down there, but then the door opened, and Tonya came in all smiles and said, "Give me $10, please, I am short the cash."
Now I was afraid, very afraid, what on earth was she buying and why? I dug in me pocket and spotted her the ten without a word, and thinking that was it, she said, "Come down, we want to try something out on you." OH NO, the dreaded words, we want to try something out on YOU, GABE froze me brain for an instant, and she pulled me up by my arm and pulled me out the door and down the stairs as I finally found my voice to protest, but too late! There I was, pulled into a circle of women in my own living room; I was surrounded. There was no way out! I was about to panic until the Tupperware lady addressed me like a drill sergeant and said, "Roll up your sleeve!" I did because she scared me, or knowing I was trapped, I had no choice, but I did it. She took out a small round tin and unzipped it to expose a wax-like substance, putting some on the inside of my wrist and gently rubbing it in!
"How do you feel? You feel relaxed and just a little stimulated?" She says to ME, then turns to the ladies in the room and says, "This tin is filled with a lovely scent that's a turn-on, and once the endorphins start firing . . . I'm sorry, what's your name?" she asks. I stupidly tell her, "Anyway, as soon as the endorphins start firing, Gabe here will have a feeling of euphoria."
On no, Gabe will not!
OH NO, we aren't doing this! Me brain was shouting at me.
"Are you feeling it, Gabe?"
"Uh, no, nothing." I stupidly said, thinking she'd let go of her hold and I could leave, but no, no, she rubbed more on and said, "Now?"
O M G!
"Uh, nothing, and really I must be off. I left the timer on the doughnuts going upstairs, and they'll be burnt."
I know! I was stupid and unthinking, but I was about to panic, and yes, me Mam had farrowed her brow at me, and me wife was looking at me like -- that's a lie, we do not have a deep fryer upstairs, and you mister, don't know the first thing about making doughnuts. That's what I thought, anyway.
With that lie, I left them to it and went immediately to the water closet to wash that stuff off. I smelt like a rose petal, a big one. I couldn't get it off! I was beside myself as to what that stuff was and what it would do and when and where and OMG!
Then the cold, chilly thought hit me, WHAT DID I CONTRIBUTE $10 to? What on earth did me wife buy? I found meself back in the office with the dog staring at me. It had come up for me to pat its head then must have smelled the remains of the salve and backed away and was out the door before I could catch her. Wasn't long before she came back with a long cylindrical wrapper that had a naked lady on it.
"Ugh, what have you got?" I went to grab it away, but the dog growled and tore into the thing, exposing a light green bottle that looked like one of me youngest's wax soda candies. She snapped off the top, and this white flowery odour came wafting out as the silly thing pulled out a tampon! GREAT JUST GREAT!
I got it away from her just in the nick and threw it in the bin. I was sitting there in a state of apprehensive shock, and there me dog was sneezing its fool head off from whatever powder was on the tampon. I finally got reason back and took the dog out the front door for a walk, where I met the two younger kiddos playing in the backyard.
"Hey Da, we heard there selling toys at Gran's party. May we go in?"
Oh boy. Toys, oh yeah, but not THOSE kinds of toys. I told them they heard wrong and why not come with me on a walk, so that's what we did. And we didn't return until I saw the Tupperware lady's car was gone.
There were three hens left; Irene was long gone with her tail between her legs, I be sure. I wonder if we will ever see her mortified self ever again. Whatever Tonya bought was in a silver bag with a white ribbon around it. I didn't ask, don't want to know. As to Mam, she purchased a box of tampons (yeah, I know she's past all that), but she gave them to Tonya because "I hadda buy sumthin'."
I took the last of the honey cakes and a fresh cup of joe and went into my office to reflect on me near catastrophic afternoon as the salve in a tin of hormones guinea pig. I put the computer on and sat there staring at the warm glow of the screen, feeling quite relaxed and a little bit euphoric.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
959
R. Linda:
Me Mam has a friend named Irene. Irene is the gullible type she is, and this gets her into trouble more often than not. Only this time, she got Mam deep in the mix with her.
Irene had been at her daughter-in-law's recently where she happened to drop in on the end of a 'Tupperware party' the daughter-in-law was giving. The orders had been put in, and the 'girls' were all sitting around the kitchen island chatting and laughing when Irene came in and found herself enjoying the happy time.
The 'Tupperware' person was a delightful young woman who was telling the 'girls' that if they gave a party in their own home, they'd get $50 worth of free product. Well, Irene was going to ask to buy a Tupperware set of canisters, but on hearing of the $50 worth of product, well, why do that when you can throw a party (which would be fun) and get free Tupperware? So, as the woman handed out her cards, Irene took one (much to the daughter-in-law's surprise) and said to everyone, "This sounds like a good time, and I have lots of friends that would be interested in your products."
The amazed look on the daughter-in-law's face didn't register enough for Irene to question why she looked at her like she was. This made her nervous, and she thought the daughter-in-law thought she was just offering lip service and would be embarrassed if Irene didn't throw a Tupperware party. So, right then and there, Irene set a date on the Tupperware lady's calendar with giggles from the 'girls', and high fives went all around with a toast to Irene for being a "good sport!"
I think if this were me OR me Mam, we would have stopped short and questioned the strange behaviour. I mean, who gets high fives and toasts for hosting a Tupperware party? Well, Irene did nothing of the kind. Instead, she went home and invited her friends to a party on 29 June. All accepted, including me little grey-haired apple-cheeked Mam!
As it happens, Irene was having work done in her kitchen, and the workers were not going to be done by the 29th, sooo she asked me Mam, if they could move the party to our house. And, of course, it was moved.
Yesterday morning, Tonya and the hens had a last fitting for their bridesmaids' dresses, but she assured Mam she and the hens would be back in time to help with the party. Well, 3:30 (party time) was rolling around, Tonya and the hens were busy in the kitchen putting out cakes and coffee, and the 'girls' were arriving along with Irene, all bearing goodies. Yes, I was out there in the mix, helping set up as I enforced quality control to make sure all tasted wonderful. The 'Tupperware' lady arrived with two big suitcases full of product, and after we got the dog put up, the ladies went into the living room for the demos. I stood in the kitchen munching and dipping a rather delicious honey cake in me coffee.
I was paying no attention really, until there was a shocked sound that wafted from the living room, and then the booming voice of the Tupperware lady said, "Now ladies, when you are home alone, THIS vibrator will make for a delicious time alone."
I didn't think I heard right until I glanced over at the living room and saw the "home alone wand" made of "tempered glass," the woman said, "Just look at the smooth shaft, and when I turn it on, you can hardly hear it!"
I stood there, the honey cake drooling out of me open and very stunned mouth, and yes, indeed, I was outta there like I got hit with lightning, soggy honey cake and all.
I went into my office, which was on the other side of our open living kitchen and living room, to hide and laugh my arse off because the look on all the women's faces was first of shock, the older ones of slight indignation, the younger ones giggling their fool heads off and me Mam's face a lovely shade of scarlet as she looked at the equally red-faced Irene. Even the cat looked like WHAT?
"Now ladies, you should all know where your g-spot is," the Tupperware lady was saying, "this wand is external as well as internal. You see here on the side is a stimulation number where you can set the wand to the controlled amount of stimulation you want. We have another vibrator . . . which is this one, which is called the Knock Out Wand, which comes with its own battery pack and this one which we will get to in a moment, the red one is called the Rocket, and you can lock that one."
I was near howling with laughter and near about rolling around with the dog on the floor over the looks I could imagine going around the living room. I went upstairs to escape, leaving man's best friend locked in the office. Once upstairs, I went into my Mam's sitting room and switched on the telly. I went there because it was the farthest away place, but I could still hear that woman's booming sales pitch, "This cream, if you rub it on your man, will get him excited beyond belief, ladies." OMG! I turned the volume up high enough a deaf person could hear it, but still, I could hear her, and at one point, I opened the door because it sounded like she was right outside it.
"THIS fragrance is for you ladies to get the mood going, you know what I mean?" Lots of laughter and a WHOO HOO thrown in. I was thinking that sounded like me wife's voice, nah couldn't be or could it?
Well, I must have looked at 40 Chopped episodes thinking this party thing would be over in an hour, but no, it went on for 3 hours of WHOO HOO, and WOWZERS, and I WANT ONE OF THOSE, and WAIT UNTIL MY HUSBAND SEES THIS! Yup.
I was so hungry from watching the cooking programme but too intimidated to go down to the kitchen. I was sitting there fashioning wall plans for the kitchen so it wouldn't be open living, in case this sort of thing became a habit and I could sneak down unseen and raid the goodie bar. I was interrupted by a WHOOP DE DO! that almost flew me out of me chair. It was so loud and said with much exhilaration. I wondered what they were doing down there, but then the door opened, and Tonya came in all smiles and said, "Give me $10, please, I am short the cash."
Now I was afraid, very afraid, what on earth was she buying and why? I dug in me pocket and spotted her the ten without a word, and thinking that was it, she said, "Come down, we want to try something out on you." OH NO, the dreaded words, we want to try something out on YOU, GABE froze me brain for an instant, and she pulled me up by my arm and pulled me out the door and down the stairs as I finally found my voice to protest, but too late! There I was, pulled into a circle of women in my own living room; I was surrounded. There was no way out! I was about to panic until the Tupperware lady addressed me like a drill sergeant and said, "Roll up your sleeve!" I did because she scared me, or knowing I was trapped, I had no choice, but I did it. She took out a small round tin and unzipped it to expose a wax-like substance, putting some on the inside of my wrist and gently rubbing it in!
"How do you feel? You feel relaxed and just a little stimulated?" She says to ME, then turns to the ladies in the room and says, "This tin is filled with a lovely scent that's a turn-on, and once the endorphins start firing . . . I'm sorry, what's your name?" she asks. I stupidly tell her, "Anyway, as soon as the endorphins start firing, Gabe here will have a feeling of euphoria."
On no, Gabe will not!
OH NO, we aren't doing this! Me brain was shouting at me.
"Are you feeling it, Gabe?"
"Uh, no, nothing." I stupidly said, thinking she'd let go of her hold and I could leave, but no, no, she rubbed more on and said, "Now?"
O M G!
"Uh, nothing, and really I must be off. I left the timer on the doughnuts going upstairs, and they'll be burnt."
I know! I was stupid and unthinking, but I was about to panic, and yes, me Mam had farrowed her brow at me, and me wife was looking at me like -- that's a lie, we do not have a deep fryer upstairs, and you mister, don't know the first thing about making doughnuts. That's what I thought, anyway.
With that lie, I left them to it and went immediately to the water closet to wash that stuff off. I smelt like a rose petal, a big one. I couldn't get it off! I was beside myself as to what that stuff was and what it would do and when and where and OMG!
Then the cold, chilly thought hit me, WHAT DID I CONTRIBUTE $10 to? What on earth did me wife buy? I found meself back in the office with the dog staring at me. It had come up for me to pat its head then must have smelled the remains of the salve and backed away and was out the door before I could catch her. Wasn't long before she came back with a long cylindrical wrapper that had a naked lady on it.
"Ugh, what have you got?" I went to grab it away, but the dog growled and tore into the thing, exposing a light green bottle that looked like one of me youngest's wax soda candies. She snapped off the top, and this white flowery odour came wafting out as the silly thing pulled out a tampon! GREAT JUST GREAT!
I got it away from her just in the nick and threw it in the bin. I was sitting there in a state of apprehensive shock, and there me dog was sneezing its fool head off from whatever powder was on the tampon. I finally got reason back and took the dog out the front door for a walk, where I met the two younger kiddos playing in the backyard.
"Hey Da, we heard there selling toys at Gran's party. May we go in?"
Oh boy. Toys, oh yeah, but not THOSE kinds of toys. I told them they heard wrong and why not come with me on a walk, so that's what we did. And we didn't return until I saw the Tupperware lady's car was gone.
There were three hens left; Irene was long gone with her tail between her legs, I be sure. I wonder if we will ever see her mortified self ever again. Whatever Tonya bought was in a silver bag with a white ribbon around it. I didn't ask, don't want to know. As to Mam, she purchased a box of tampons (yeah, I know she's past all that), but she gave them to Tonya because "I hadda buy sumthin'."
 |
| What could be in this? I don't want to know |
I took the last of the honey cakes and a fresh cup of joe and went into my office to reflect on me near catastrophic afternoon as the salve in a tin of hormones guinea pig. I put the computer on and sat there staring at the warm glow of the screen, feeling quite relaxed and a little bit euphoric.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
