How Many Years In The Nick Do You Think I'd Get?

12 June 2026

1167

R. Linda:

Me little apple-cheeked Mam prides herself on running a tight ship, so to speak. She is fastidious about cleaning, and everything has its place. So you can imagine what happened when the bored house guest, one Dragon-in-law, decided to "help the old lady out." Now, for one, me mam doesn't want the help, and two, she was not happy about being referred to as "the old lady," especially when the Dragon is four years older than her diminutive self. 

Here are some of the antics (for lack of a better word, well, me Mam would use the word sabotage), that started an unbearable situation between the 'ol wans' (me description of them both) that somehow spilled over to moi. 

Dragon got it into her head that everyone in the U.K. is a tea drinker, and my Mam's penchant for coffee was unhealthy for her "this late in life." Oh, the way Mam bristled at that. So, unbeknownst to me sainted little grey-haired Mam, Dragon replaced the coffee with herbal tea. When Mam came down to brew the morning coffee, she noticed, in her sleepy state, that the coffee grounds looked different, but went ahead and got the "coffee" going.

The rest of us came down in our groggy state, poured a cup of coffee, and sat down at the kitchen table to vegetate as we woke up sipping the morning brew. Well, I can tell you we all noticed the taste wasn't coffee right off the bat. Not only that, but the delicious aroma of fresh brewed coffee was not wafting in the air. In our groggy state, and making faces like "ICK!" We looked at each other. Tonya was the first to sound off with this gem, "WOW, Mother O, this is awful. What coffee did you buy?"

To which Mam's eyes narrowed in response, as she placed her cup on her saucer and looked around. She reached over for the coffee container, opened it, looked piercingly at it and then took a whiff. Immediately, she put it away from her and stood up, hands on her hips, and said, "I dunt new who be the joker, but THIS (pointing at the coffee container) be not fonny!" 

"What is this?" I asked her, really wanting to know.

"It be sum kinda tae!"

"TEA?" Tonya gasped and slid her cup away from her. "Who would put tea in a coffee canister?"

Really, tea leaves? Who indeed!

Yes, who would do such a thing? Well, I knew it wasn't Weasil, he had left a few days ago, and yes, he would have been me first choice, but I knew right then, and there it HAD to be the Dragon lady! Who just happened to saunter, yes, saunter in at that very moment.

"YOU!" Mam pointed at her, "YOU arr nut fonny!"

"I'm not funny, is that what you're trying to say?"

Uh oh. Here we go, I thought.

I will spare you the argy that went on between the ladies in the room. I didn't have to say a word, no, I did not. They got on Dragon's case, and Dragon got on theirs, and round and round it went. The Dragon told the "ungrateful" women they drank too much of the black stuff and should be drinking tea because it was better for them, more CALMING, and relaxing. Hint, hint.

They were far from calm and relaxed; they were in a coffee-less tizzy. I had to laugh, and in bursting out with it, I was set upon by all of them, and so I fled the room for Dunks. That's right, I left them to hash it out and went to Dunks, where I sat at a table by meself and enjoyed the most delicious dark roast on earth. Yeah, so what, I was in me PJs. Most of the time nowadays, so is everyone else, so all was right with the world of Gabriel Aloysius O'Sullivan. 

And that didn't last long.

After me fifth cuppa the heavenly brew, I made me way back to the house. As I pulled up, there was me comfy chair being hauled down the front steps to a pick-up truck with two guys hoisting it in, as the Dragon got out her money to pay them. I sat in me car, too shocked to move, watching this unfold before me unbelieving eyes. What the feck?

Getting angry, I slammed out of me vehicle just as the two culprits started their engine and began pulling away! 

"What the hell are ye doin'?" Me Irish came out.

The passenger rolled down the window.

"We are taking this old thing to the dump. Do you want to buy it?"

Do I want to buy it? Me own comfy chair? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

They pulled off laughing before I could answer that YES I DO!

I marched inside, and there she was with O'Hare and Guido, directing them to move the coffee table where me sainted comfy chair USED to be, so it wouldn't look so empty. For their trouble, she gave them a couple of bucks, and then, heaving a satisfied sigh, she sat on the couch and clicked on the TV. Everything was right with the Dragon World.

Well, I decided to make things not right, and so I had a tirade to top all previous tirades and ripped her a new one, but it didn't faze her, plus, Tonya put a stop to it when she came down to find out what all the yelling was about. 

"Mother, why did you give his recliner away?"

"It looked tired, Tonya. No shabbier piece of overused furniture have I seen since . . . hum . . . since I was forced to go to that dump you all call a transfer station, where there were several old, dilapidated chairs dumped. That one looked as bad as, if not worse than, those. What an eyesore, so I did you all a favour and got rid of it. No, don't thank me, it was nothing." And with that speech, she settled into watching the boob tube. 

I had remained silent, listening to that sorry excuse for an explanation, I did. As soon as it was over, I had more choice words, but before I could open me cakehole, Tonya silenced me with a look and a nod of her head to follow her into the kitchen, where she closed the door so we wouldn't be overheard. 

I thought she was going to give ideas on how to get me chair back, but no. And you won't believe what she said to me: she said, and I quote, "You aren't going to cry, are you?"

I stood there stupefied. WHAT? I started to laugh like a loon. I couldn't help meself it was ridiculously funny suddenly, and it really was not. 

"Get control of yourself, Gabe," said she. "I have been looking at recliners for a while, and I saw one I think you'd like BETTER than that old thing. Mother is right, it was beyond its time as a decent recliner, and you have to admit it was getting pretty gross."

"Gross? How dayamean gross?" I challenged.

"Well, there was old popcorn in the cushions from the kiddos spilling it, dried cola down the sides from where kiddos spilt that, the leather was cracked from age, the cat had used it as a scratching post, and the stuffing was starting to spill out."

Me old comfy chair, it isn't that bad is it?

I stopped her with, "Okay, okay, okay."

She smiled triumphantly. "So you'll at least look at a new one?"

I sighed. "Fine."

The next afternoon, me new recliner arrived.

It had built-in cup holders, lumbar support, heated cushions (for those colder-than-cold New England winters), USB charging ports, and enough buttons to launch a satellite. 

I sat down reluctantly, not sure, because this thing was light-years from me old comfy chair.

Three hours later, me wife found me grinning in the dark.

"Well?" she asked.

I took a long sip of hot coffee (yes coffee), from the cup in the cup holder and pressed the massage button.

"What old recliner?"

Gabe

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