Sciatica Can Be Fun -- No?

05 March 2023

Story #1092

R. Linda:

So here's the tale: Sonja and Elmer both discovered they had sciatica at the same time. Elmer went to physical therapy for stretching exercises, while Sonja was given Meloxicam anytime she had a twinge. These two were doing great until they both got a flare-up at the same time!

I was at my town hall to pay for me dog license, and the waiting room had three others ahead of me. I sat down, and as we were a small country village, I recognised one of the people waiting and said hello, and then nodded to the other two in greeting. The couple, Sonja and Elmer, were regaling Joe (the man I knew) about their physical ills. Because I was there, I found myself included in the conversation.

"Last month we both had a bout of the sciatic, ah-yuh," Elmer said.

"Oh yes, and it was at the same time!" Sonja said as if she was still stunned that such could occur.

"Ah-yuh, we had gone to bed all achy and the next mornin' we woke at the same time. I tried to sit up but found the pain was too much and I was afraid if I tried, I'd make it worse. Sos I say to the wife, Sonja, can ya come round and help me outta bed, my back is keeping me from it. And she said . . . well tell 'em what you said honey."

"I said I couldn't get up either because my back was out."

"So what did you do? Call 911?" Joe asked.

"Ah no, we couldn't reach our phones. They were on our respective nightstands, and stretching out for one would have been painful."

"What did you do?" I asked after they paused and seemed to be deep in thought, remembering.

"Well, I started to slide out from my side, but Sonja stopped me. She said, "If you slide out of bed and I slide out of bed, who will help us up? We'll both be on the floor on either side of the bed."

"I thought that, well, if one of us did that, maybe that one could crawl to the living room where the landline was, and the table it was on is lower than the nightstands," Sonja explained. 

"I volunteered to do it, so I tried to slide my way off the bed slowly and gently. Now we have a rather old-fashioned bed, and the new mattresses they make nowadays make it taller, so you get that when I slid I went fast and couldn't stop myself as there was nothin' to hold onta. I was on the floor in nuthin' flat and flat was the word, I was flat on my back and had to try to twist myself to turn over so I could crawl, but the more I rocked my body to the left, the more my back was killin' me." Elmer said.

"And I couldn't see 'em so I had no idea what he was doin' down there."

"She starts shoutin' at me "Whaddaya doin' down there Elmer?" And I was tryin' my best not to cry out from the pain I was in, so that got her thinkin' I musta passed out and next thing I knowed she slid outen' her side and she's yowling like a cat cause she hit the floor hard."

"Well yeah, I had nothin' to break my fall." Sonja pouted.

"So now you are both on the floor?" Joe was incredulous.

"We sure were," Sonja said with a giggle. "I could see him from under the bed and told him he had got us in a fine fix since now we were both in a pickle."

"I tried rolling, and she was doing the same thing. Instead of rolling out the bedroom door, I found I was rolling toward the bathroom door. Not where the phone was. And her, well she was pushing with her legs on the carpet and not making much progress."

"I have rugburn still." Sonja reminded him.

"Oh lord, what did you do? Obviously, you're here so you had to have gotten help." I said.

"Well, when I saw what she was doing I decided to try that but every time I pushed, my pajama bottoms started to slide down offin' me and she's right about rugburn, so I stopped that and got my breath and started rolling in the other direction and actually got myself to the bedroom door."

"And, his pants were still falling down with every effort to push himself. But he was making progress and when I saw him rolling I tried that and made it right up next to him." Sonja joined in. "

"BUT . . . " and Elmer gave Sonja a look, "We both got stuck in the doorway. She's tryin' to pull up my pajama bottoms and I'm tryin' to roll away from her to git to the phone. She thought she could roll faster to the living room and started off at the same time I did. We were arms and legs entwined and unable to move because the doorway weren't that big, the two of us could roll through at the same time." 

"It was then that we had a bit of a shouting match, and we finally got untwined when I thought I heard someone at the door," Sonja said brightly.

"It was not a someone, but a what. I thought for certain it was someone come to visit but then I heard scratchin' at the door. I told her, "If that's your squirrel I'm gonna be real unhappy."

"Wait, squirrel? You own a squirrel?" Joe asked confused.

"No, she feeds this tree rat that comes to the window bird feeder and slips scraps under the screen at it. So, it's become her pet," Elmer explained, looking hard at Sonja with disapproval.

"Only it weren't Fred (I named him Fred—the squirrel); it was the neighbor's dog that came over to chase my squirrel," Sonja said with annoyance.

"Our front door ain't ever locked, ya see, and the dog is a Great Dane mix so ee's a biggen', name a Brutus and he lets himself in on occasion. So thinking it had to be Brutus I started callin' at 'em to come. If I could roll/push myself into the hallway, I could reach the desk where the post-it notes are, write a note, tape it on old Brutus, and send him home for help.

"Best laid plans," Sonja said sarcastically and got a dirty look from Elmer.

"Well now the door sprung open and guess what was standin' and I mean standin' in the front doorway. Ya guessed it FRED. On two legs yet, wringing his front paws together like he was worried. Um hum." Elmer said clamping his jaws together in unhappiness. 

"I could see Fred, so I called to him to come on in," Sonja said as Elmer shook his head angrily. "So Fred hesitated, then got down on all fours and hopped in. He didn't come close but stopped and was sizing up the situation."

"Sizing up the situation, would you stop!" Elmer threw at her. "That damn rodent could care less all he cared about was sizing up the kitchen and then going to the kitchen which is where he went and he found the loaf of bread on the table and started eating, all the while staring at us like he knew we could do nuthin' bout it."

"Oh me gosh," I said imagining the scene.

"But help was on the way!" Sonja cajoled.

"Oh sure, it was in the form of another critter standin' in the doorway sizing up the situation as my wife likes to call it. It was Brutus this time and as SHE started calling him, he saw the tree rat and you know how dogs are about squirrels and he was off charging into the kitchen after the damn thing." Elmer sighed.

"And a fine mess he made of my kitchen too!" Sonja complained. "Fred shot right up on the counter, and the toaster hit the floor. As Brutus jumped up, he got caught in the microwave wire, and down that machine came crashing to the floor. Fred was as agile as a cat and climbed the kitchen curtains, I guess, to get out the window, but the window was closed. Brutus was jumping at his tail over the sink. Fred was chittering up a storm of protest when finally McManus came to the door looking for his dog and saw us sprawled on the floor, the dog and Fred rippin' up the kitchen, well, once he got the dog out, he got a broom. Still, I told him to open the window so Fred could jump out, but he didn't wanna git bit, so he weren't gonna do it, so I told him to help me up and I'd do it." Sonja was near breathless explaining what happened.

"Meanwhile, because McManus didn't close the door tight enough, Brutus was back and at the squirrel who had leapt to the overhead kitchen light and was sitting up there like he was laughin' at Brutus, which made Brutus mad. McManus had me half up and nearly dropped me when he saw his dog come racing in, but I managed to catch the doorknob to keep from falling. I left Sonja where she was because my back was killin' me and I didn't want to do myself more harm."

"Yeah left me there. Typical man, his backside hanging out of his pj's." Sonja said, her eyes narrowed as she looked Elmer up and down, as if he had quite the nerve.

"So what happened next?" Joe asked enthralled.

"Well, because of my back, McManus had to haul his dog out on his own, he came back and got Sonja upright and then she opened the window and Fred made his escape, but you know who was under the window waitin' doncha? Yeah well, we ain't seen Fred since." Elmer said somewhat satisfied.

"Brutus got Fred?" Joe asked horrified.

"Now Joe, don't look so shocked. It was a rat with a fluffy tail, and no, Fred got away, but he had half of that fluffy tail. Brutus managed to chomp down, but he only got the tip, not the meat. The tree rat made his way up the oak tree and hasn't been down since. Probably bemoaning the loss of part of that tail he liked shaking at me." 

Elmer and Sonja's story ended there as they were called into the town clerk's office. I sat, amused at Joe, who was still a bit shaken. 

"Really?" I asked him. "You think any of THAT was true?"

I could see he hadn't thought that, instead he had swallowed that tall tale hook, line, and sinker.  But did he? 

It was a while before they came hobbling out. I had to admit they looked like the sciatic flareup was still going on, and I believed that, but all the rest of it . . . I dunno. I know Joe believes it is all truth, but being brought up in the land of Blarney, one can't believe everything they hear, eh?

Gabe

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