07 June 2020
Story #989
R. Linda:
Imagine you are a 6-year-old boy, almost 7, and you want to bake a cake for your grandmother. You can barely read, and your only help be a 3-year-old girl (ewww), what to do? I'll tell you what you do: you get your 11-year-old brother to read the recipe, and while he reads, you and your 3-year-old assistant gather the ingredients. Brother helps you measure everything, and now you are set to bake. Oh yes, you are!
After a rather intense discussion with your 3-year-old assistant (the girl, ewww), over what pan to use to put the batter in, you gently pull the round pans away from her, dump them in the sink and go for the big oblong pan informing HER you are making a shite cake aka sheet cake.
She gets the Pam cooking spray and sprays the hell out of the pan, and you, as you are waving your arms for her to stop and coughing at the same time from inhaling the stuff, try to stop her spraying you into a near coma. The 11-year-old comes in, takes the Pam away, and informs the girl (ewww) that she oversprayed the pan. The father of the two "children" and not the girl whispers that they need to sprinkle some flour on the bottom of the sprayed pan, and that may do the trick. This is done, and the 11-year-old exits the room.
Flour be all over the place as are some other ingredients, but hey baking be a messy business. Ok then, next the blender be heaved out by both bakers and ingredients are thrown in the mixing bowl, the mixer is turned up to high speed which sends flour, sugar and butter bits all over the place, but hey you turn it down to low speed and watch it mix in the cloud of flour you have created for atmospheric theatre.
Then you notice you forgot the eggs, so you stop the mixer and tell your assistant, the girl (ewww), to crack the eggs into a bowl and give them to you. She gets one and cracks it all over the floor. You realise you have to take over, and so you do a better job, only getting some (ok, the majority) of the egg whites on the counter. But all be not lost. You scoop the egg whites with the heel of your hand and slop them into the bowl, and then lob them into the mixing bowl. Start the mixer at low speed this time (because you learned from your mistake) and then increase the speed once the 'egg juice' disappears in the batter.
Yeah, you got this far. Now, take the bowl off the mixer, letting the beater drip all over the mixer, and pour it into your prepared pan. But wait, the chocolate chips you put in the batter have formed a beehive-like pattern on the bottom of the mixing bowl! What to do? Get a spatula and, while the assistant holds the bowl, scrape the chocolate chips into the cake batter and hope for the best.
The 11-year-old is summoned, and he places the pan into the preheated oven that your father has turned on; the cake then bakes for 45 minutes. Yea, you did it! But cleanup be a bitch. The 11-year-old turns into General Pushyouaround and tells you (rather than instructs you) how to clean up the mess. This puts the three-year-old in tears, and she sits down on the job and cries while you (still taking orders) clean up HER mess as well as your own, especially the 'egg juice'.
Buzzer goes off, and I (the father) be summoned to get the cake out of the oven. This is done, and the cake is put on a cooling rack. The cake looks surprisingly perfect, and we all leave to do other things while it cools.
Thirty minutes later, you and your assistant come in to remove the cake from the pan. You've seen this done a dozen times, and you think you can do it just as well as your old grandmother. Fetching a butter knife, you accidentally drop it, making a giant slash in the top of the cake. Hoping your assistant didn't see that mishap, you run the blade around the cake edge as if you know what you're doing, when in reality, you really haven't a clue. Then you take the cooling rack and place it on top of the cake, and flip it over. And nothing happens. You shake it, you bang on it, and finally, it slides out, but not in one piece. You take the pan away and look at your disaster of a cake, blaming it on your assistant. Why not? What she's good for is being the scapegoat because you are the scapegrace if ever there was one.
She isn't totally useless; she tells you to bake another layer to cover the mess so no one will be the wiser. Now, why didn't YOU think of that? So, OK, another layer coming up. This time, you recruit the 11-year-old who knows just a little bit more than you do about cake baking (so you hope). There be no more chocolate chips or cocoa powder (because you used all of that in the first cake) so vanilla it is!
This layer was removed by your father, and after it cooled, he took it out of the pan. Near perfect perfection, you guessed it. Carefully, with your assistant's help, you decided to 'glue' the two cakes together by using cookie butter as a filling, as it spreads like peanut butter, allowing you to do so with ease. Once you have both the vanilla on top of the chocolate layer with cookie butter filling, you start to mix up the buttercream frosting.
After another cloud of white stuff (confectioners sugar this time -- because you forgot to put the mixer on low), you enlist the help of the now-getting annoyed 11-year-old, who would rather play video games, but you get the icing put together with the promise he can lick the bowl much to your assistant's chagrin. You carefully get the buttercream on the cake and find the cake be big, and you don't have enough icing, but you spread it thin and hope for the best, and it looks like this:
The 11-year-old tries to make it look smooth (and doesn't do a bad job) and has the nerve to ask you where the writing and decoration are. Well, you look at your assistant, and she looks wide-eyed at you like What are you writing and decorating? It's a birthday cake, and you are both informed by the General; you realise he's right, so back to the buttercream you go. You both whip up another batch, being careful with the blue food colouring, and there you are — icing to decorate and write with.
The 3-year-old nearly had a tantrum over decorating because SHE wants to decorate. After unplugging your ears, you say, OK, OK, OK! The 11-year-old Googles how to use a piping bag and sets it up (because he is a genius). He hands the bag filled with blue icing to the 3-year-old, and she, as he moves the plate, draws a line around the side of the cake. This is to hide the gaps where the cookie butter has overlapped. Ok, well and good. You want to take over, but she won't let you. She tries her hand at the rosettes on the bottom of the cake, and while it takes almost an hour, she gets it done. THEN she insists she has to do the top of the cake, and you, huffing and puffing as well as sighing in exasperation, let her and she doesn't do a bad job. NOW it's your turn, and she nearly squirts you with the icing because she's done and wants you to finish the job with Happy Birthday written on the top of the cake!
You are ready to write when you realise you don't know how to spell happy birthday, plus you don't write well and your spelling sucks. What to do? Call in the 11-year-old, but he isn't about to try his hand at a piping bag because he's too macho. He does, however, tell you that he will oversee you completing the final step and instruct you on which letters to write on the cake. Yes, nice of him because HE CAN SPELL!
You, being 6, almost 7, have a natural tendency to write BIG. You get the H on, and well, it's a little choppy and wobbly, but hey, this is you, and what do you want? You are only 6. The A be next, and well, your Ps are backwards (only you don't know that), and the 11-year-old is not about to scrape the blue icing off so you can do it again because he knows the icings will mix and there will be a royal mess, AND he wants to get back to his video game. He says nothing, notta. You make it to BIRTHDAY, and well, there'll be no room for Grandma. But hey, that's ok, she's the only one with a birthday, so she'll know the cake is for her.
Once finished, wrap the cake in plastic to preserve it. That's what you think you should do, and the 11-year-old be telling you the icing will lift off, but you think the cake will be stale, so you don't listen to him and encase the cake in cello wrap anyway.
Later, after your own parents admire the cake, you decide to take credit for the whole baking of it. That YOU think will go unnoticed by your 3-year-old assistant?
The cake is brought out, and your grandmother is amazed and thrilled that you baked your first cake (no matter that it had too many flavours); it be a work of culinary art, and she gives you the biggest hug. Meanwhile, under a hat, wearing a pretty little party dress, your assistant is staring daggers at you for taking the credit, like she wouldn't know!
As you get a piece of cake for yourself, she sees you coming with a shite-eating grin on your 6-year-old face and puts out a babyish ankle and down you go, a face full of your own creation dripping off in great globs. It was said to be an accident, but you know it wasn't; it was accidentally on purpose. She doesn't want a piece, so there! Instead, while you clean yourself off, she sits opposite you like this:
Disclaimer: I was asked if the wee one could bake a cake for his gran on her 104th birthday, and I agreed under supervision. He didn't want me to supervise, but was ok with Guido stepping in to help with the instructions on what to do. I watched this from the other room, so there was never any worry of anyone having a mishap, except, of course, when he turned the mixer on high and the flour made a cloud not only in the kitchen but also in the living room. Still cleaning that up.
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Imagine you are a 6-year-old boy, almost 7, and you want to bake a cake for your grandmother. You can barely read, and your only help be a 3-year-old girl (ewww), what to do? I'll tell you what you do: you get your 11-year-old brother to read the recipe, and while he reads, you and your 3-year-old assistant gather the ingredients. Brother helps you measure everything, and now you are set to bake. Oh yes, you are!
After a rather intense discussion with your 3-year-old assistant (the girl, ewww), over what pan to use to put the batter in, you gently pull the round pans away from her, dump them in the sink and go for the big oblong pan informing HER you are making a shite cake aka sheet cake.
She gets the Pam cooking spray and sprays the hell out of the pan, and you, as you are waving your arms for her to stop and coughing at the same time from inhaling the stuff, try to stop her spraying you into a near coma. The 11-year-old comes in, takes the Pam away, and informs the girl (ewww) that she oversprayed the pan. The father of the two "children" and not the girl whispers that they need to sprinkle some flour on the bottom of the sprayed pan, and that may do the trick. This is done, and the 11-year-old exits the room.
Flour be all over the place as are some other ingredients, but hey baking be a messy business. Ok then, next the blender be heaved out by both bakers and ingredients are thrown in the mixing bowl, the mixer is turned up to high speed which sends flour, sugar and butter bits all over the place, but hey you turn it down to low speed and watch it mix in the cloud of flour you have created for atmospheric theatre.
Then you notice you forgot the eggs, so you stop the mixer and tell your assistant, the girl (ewww), to crack the eggs into a bowl and give them to you. She gets one and cracks it all over the floor. You realise you have to take over, and so you do a better job, only getting some (ok, the majority) of the egg whites on the counter. But all be not lost. You scoop the egg whites with the heel of your hand and slop them into the bowl, and then lob them into the mixing bowl. Start the mixer at low speed this time (because you learned from your mistake) and then increase the speed once the 'egg juice' disappears in the batter.
Yeah, you got this far. Now, take the bowl off the mixer, letting the beater drip all over the mixer, and pour it into your prepared pan. But wait, the chocolate chips you put in the batter have formed a beehive-like pattern on the bottom of the mixing bowl! What to do? Get a spatula and, while the assistant holds the bowl, scrape the chocolate chips into the cake batter and hope for the best.
The 11-year-old is summoned, and he places the pan into the preheated oven that your father has turned on; the cake then bakes for 45 minutes. Yea, you did it! But cleanup be a bitch. The 11-year-old turns into General Pushyouaround and tells you (rather than instructs you) how to clean up the mess. This puts the three-year-old in tears, and she sits down on the job and cries while you (still taking orders) clean up HER mess as well as your own, especially the 'egg juice'.
Buzzer goes off, and I (the father) be summoned to get the cake out of the oven. This is done, and the cake is put on a cooling rack. The cake looks surprisingly perfect, and we all leave to do other things while it cools.
Thirty minutes later, you and your assistant come in to remove the cake from the pan. You've seen this done a dozen times, and you think you can do it just as well as your old grandmother. Fetching a butter knife, you accidentally drop it, making a giant slash in the top of the cake. Hoping your assistant didn't see that mishap, you run the blade around the cake edge as if you know what you're doing, when in reality, you really haven't a clue. Then you take the cooling rack and place it on top of the cake, and flip it over. And nothing happens. You shake it, you bang on it, and finally, it slides out, but not in one piece. You take the pan away and look at your disaster of a cake, blaming it on your assistant. Why not? What she's good for is being the scapegoat because you are the scapegrace if ever there was one.
 |
| Tsk, tsk, look at that middle, you think too much Pam and flour? |
She isn't totally useless; she tells you to bake another layer to cover the mess so no one will be the wiser. Now, why didn't YOU think of that? So, OK, another layer coming up. This time, you recruit the 11-year-old who knows just a little bit more than you do about cake baking (so you hope). There be no more chocolate chips or cocoa powder (because you used all of that in the first cake) so vanilla it is!
This layer was removed by your father, and after it cooled, he took it out of the pan. Near perfect perfection, you guessed it. Carefully, with your assistant's help, you decided to 'glue' the two cakes together by using cookie butter as a filling, as it spreads like peanut butter, allowing you to do so with ease. Once you have both the vanilla on top of the chocolate layer with cookie butter filling, you start to mix up the buttercream frosting.
After another cloud of white stuff (confectioners sugar this time -- because you forgot to put the mixer on low), you enlist the help of the now-getting annoyed 11-year-old, who would rather play video games, but you get the icing put together with the promise he can lick the bowl much to your assistant's chagrin. You carefully get the buttercream on the cake and find the cake be big, and you don't have enough icing, but you spread it thin and hope for the best, and it looks like this:
 |
| The highest cake I've ever seen! |
The 3-year-old nearly had a tantrum over decorating because SHE wants to decorate. After unplugging your ears, you say, OK, OK, OK! The 11-year-old Googles how to use a piping bag and sets it up (because he is a genius). He hands the bag filled with blue icing to the 3-year-old, and she, as he moves the plate, draws a line around the side of the cake. This is to hide the gaps where the cookie butter has overlapped. Ok, well and good. You want to take over, but she won't let you. She tries her hand at the rosettes on the bottom of the cake, and while it takes almost an hour, she gets it done. THEN she insists she has to do the top of the cake, and you, huffing and puffing as well as sighing in exasperation, let her and she doesn't do a bad job. NOW it's your turn, and she nearly squirts you with the icing because she's done and wants you to finish the job with Happy Birthday written on the top of the cake!
You are ready to write when you realise you don't know how to spell happy birthday, plus you don't write well and your spelling sucks. What to do? Call in the 11-year-old, but he isn't about to try his hand at a piping bag because he's too macho. He does, however, tell you that he will oversee you completing the final step and instruct you on which letters to write on the cake. Yes, nice of him because HE CAN SPELL!
You, being 6, almost 7, have a natural tendency to write BIG. You get the H on, and well, it's a little choppy and wobbly, but hey, this is you, and what do you want? You are only 6. The A be next, and well, your Ps are backwards (only you don't know that), and the 11-year-old is not about to scrape the blue icing off so you can do it again because he knows the icings will mix and there will be a royal mess, AND he wants to get back to his video game. He says nothing, notta. You make it to BIRTHDAY, and well, there'll be no room for Grandma. But hey, that's ok, she's the only one with a birthday, so she'll know the cake is for her.
Once finished, wrap the cake in plastic to preserve it. That's what you think you should do, and the 11-year-old be telling you the icing will lift off, but you think the cake will be stale, so you don't listen to him and encase the cake in cello wrap anyway.
 |
| Yeah, wrap that in plastic really well, and so your letters are backwards, so what? |
Later, after your own parents admire the cake, you decide to take credit for the whole baking of it. That YOU think will go unnoticed by your 3-year-old assistant?
The cake is brought out, and your grandmother is amazed and thrilled that you baked your first cake (no matter that it had too many flavours); it be a work of culinary art, and she gives you the biggest hug. Meanwhile, under a hat, wearing a pretty little party dress, your assistant is staring daggers at you for taking the credit, like she wouldn't know!
As you get a piece of cake for yourself, she sees you coming with a shite-eating grin on your 6-year-old face and puts out a babyish ankle and down you go, a face full of your own creation dripping off in great globs. It was said to be an accident, but you know it wasn't; it was accidentally on purpose. She doesn't want a piece, so there! Instead, while you clean yourself off, she sits opposite you like this:
 |
| Can you tell she's not happy with you? |
Disclaimer: I was asked if the wee one could bake a cake for his gran on her 104th birthday, and I agreed under supervision. He didn't want me to supervise, but was ok with Guido stepping in to help with the instructions on what to do. I watched this from the other room, so there was never any worry of anyone having a mishap, except, of course, when he turned the mixer on high and the flour made a cloud not only in the kitchen but also in the living room. Still cleaning that up.
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
ROFLMAO more adventures? I DO have one question. What is cookie butter? I hope the cake tasted good especially after the fun and mess you went through to get it done! LOL
ReplyDeleteCookie butter has the consistency and appearance of peanut butter. It is made from Speculoos cookies, which are a cinnamon (some think they taste like ginger, I don't) dry biscuit I think originally from Holland.Anyway the biscuits/cookies are ground to a paste and used for a variety of things like cake fillings, on celery sticks, peanut butter and jelly sannies, etc.
ReplyDeleteThe cake had a lot of tastes from that bottom layer that had mini chocolate chips in it and the vanilla was very good, but the cookie butter filling was a bit off-putting. It would have been better if it was buttercream, but I didn't tell the wee one that. After all his hard work and the aggravation of having to cook with a "girl" he wouldn't appreciate me criticism.
i showed this to my husband (he's a pro chef) and he thought your story was charming. me too but I hate cookie butter ugh. your photo at the end was the best she's precious.
ReplyDelete104? No way your mam is that old. Has she seen your story yet? No more cake for you! LOL Nice tale and actually the writing on the cake is very Harry Potter. I do love the little one in a snit, good shot.
ReplyDelete