05 April 2020
Story #982
R. Linda:
Here are three stories for you that I never got around to writing a while back, but now that I have nothing much to do, HERE THEY ARE!
THE MEMORIAL
I feel like I live in a world that is turning upside down—this I mean outside me personal space. For example, in 1979, I remember me Mam telling me NOT to talk to strangers. In 2003, I remember my wife telling me NOT to meet with strangers. Now there is Tinder and the like that basically makes it just fine and dandy to not only talk to strangers but hook up with them for a one-nighter. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Do you remember Patrick? Well, Tinder be his go-to app. Enough said, but the stories he has!
I don't know about you, but me kiddos (at least the eldest) used to watch Dora the Explorer when he was a wee lad. He told me that as a teenager, the guys were watching Dora, but a rather dirty, grown-up Dora was exploring things we couldn't speak of here. WHAT?
No more late-night Dora for him! I now unplug the wi-fi at bedtime, and that does that.
I used to think the first-class ticket bought for the Big Bird costume (being transported on a plane) was bizarre, and I often wondered what folks in first class thought of that, but that is tame compared to what I am witnessing now.
Like Weasil in first class, you get the picture . . .
There is the matter of funerals, which I know is not a fun subject, but in this case, all I can do is laugh to keep me sanity intact. About five months ago, a man died of an overdose from self-medication (not uncommon in New Hampshire), and he was cremated. I knew him a wee bit and was invited to the memorial service. This I went to, and while waiting for everyone to arrive, I buddied up with a friend of mine and we both had beers and stepped out back of the house. A baggy of whiteish powder was on top of a pile of rocks made like a cairn. I turned to my bud and said, "Oh look, someone left their stash and forgot it."
"Oh, no, that's not drugs, that's Alvin."
I was taken aback.
"What you mean that's Alvin? Those are his ashes?" I was in disbelief.
"Yeh, Carol divided them up so we all get a bag to spread."
I was lost for words, but me thoughts were in a jumble of nonacceptance.
"This be what Alvin wanted?"
"I don't think he knew he was going to die, so I don't think he had any say in this," me friend answered, contemplating his beer. "I was at a funeral of a friend of mine out west a few years back, and they divided his ashes into four boxes and spread them in four different places." He said, looking off into the distance, making me question whether the memory was even a good one.
"I told my wife, don't put me in a cardboard box and divide me up and scatter me all over the place." He said with some anxiety.
I didn't know what to say and couldn't take my eyes off Alvin sitting on a rock waiting to be spread, or just left there. I had no clue and didn't ask.
Later, we all drove out to the spot where Alvin succumbed, which was on a beach, and there was a tray of the same baggies. We listened to the gospel reading, and then we were instructed to come up and take a bag of Alvin and spread his ashes in the water. Really?
Yeah, roll up the pant legs and stand in the water with Alvin's ashes swirling about your legs. Then come out with nothing to wipe them off with, NO!
I didn't do it, I'll tell you that right now, that creeped me out, it did. Didn't sleep for a few nights after that. I also made sure with me wife that if anything happened to me, not to divide me up into little baggies and scatter me to the four winds. I tell ya!
"I already have plans for you," Tonya said, "I'm using you as fertiliser for the garden."
Nice huh?
A VERY WIRED COFFEE
It may be that it was the gloomy and rainy weather, or it might be the sadness that summer is gone, and the mood is set for the long, snowy winter promised to come. Or, it might just be one person who works at Dunken Donuts who just can't get it together. I would think that if you worked in a coffee joint, you'd be sipping coffee all day long, or at least if you had the early morning shift, you'd be doing that just to wake yourself up.
One chilly morning, we had to go to Merrimack, NH, to pick up a futon my wife ordered for one of the boys' bedrooms. We got there around 9:30, picked up the futon, and I saw a Dunks down the road. Having had two small cups of joe that morning, I decided to stop for a medium-sized latte and a hot coffee for Tonya.
The place wasn't very busy, so I thought, "Good, we'll be in and out and on our way." We walked up to the counter, and this rather sleepy individual asked me if he could take our order. I told him I wanted a medium-sized latte with hot, whole milk and a Boston creme doughnut to go, and the gracious lady would have a large French vanilla swirl hot coffee with caramel and whole milk and an apple fritter.
"Uhhh . . . we don't have any French vanilla."
"OK, then. " I turned to her in question, and she said, "Then just a hot coffee."
"You want that hot?" He asks.
"Yes." Says she looking puzzled.
"What size was that?"
"Large, hot coffee, whole milk, no sugar."
"Oh, ok." And he punches in whatever on the computer.
So the girl behind him has whipped up my latte and has the hot coffee coming when he says to me, "Uh, an apple fritter and???"
"Boston creme," says I, "but wait, I see you have coffee rolls, I'd rather have one of those."
"Oh . . . so no Boston creme?"
"Right, a coffee roll instead."
So he gets the coffee roll, looks at me for a minute, and says, "Do you want the other doughnut in the same bag?"
Oh boy, "Yes." Says I, looking at the wife like IS IT ME? Then he says, "What was the second doughnut?"
"An apple fritter," Tonya said.
He gets the apple fritter, hands me the bag, and says, "Now that's two doughnuts, and one coffee, and what was the other?"
"A latte," I said, holding it up for him to see.
"Oh, right." He punches in the total and tells me it is $11.40 or some such number. I have nothing smaller than a twenty-dollar bill, so I hand him that. He looks at it like he's never seen one before, then looks to the girl who is getting coffee for a drive-thru order, like Help me! He finally decides in his sluggish brain that she is busy, so he looks at the computer and slowly counts out change. Coins first, bills second and when he gets it all together, nearly drops the change trying to set the bills and loose change into me outstretched hand, but it all went flying on the counter and to the floor. I tell ya!
Somehow, we made it out of there, and as we were pulling out, I asked Tonya if it was me or the guy in a fog.
"No, it was definitely him and SHE wasn't much better. He needs a cup of coffee or several cups to wake the heck up!" She said, sipping her own.
I took a sip of mine and wowey, wow, wow! I almost went through the roof. The coffee-making chickie had given me not a latte, but a full cup of ESPRESSO! I was in coffee heaven! Why couldn't she have done that for her co-worker? But I was very pleased and thrilled. The only problem was, I couldn't shut up. I be so wired it will take two days for the wired-ness to wear off. It must be obvious because I have been running around doing things around the house since we got back. Even me Mam remarked how energised I was.
I was doing the laundry, shovelling the walk of black ice, and then using ice melt on it. I did all the lunch dishes, vacuumed the living room, popped more popcorn, and even made caramel to roll it in. I washed the dog and even washed the cat!
Talk about energiser bunny, that was me! It took until 2 a.m. for me to wind down. I watched reruns of CNN, that's how crazy I was, or how fried me brain was from the Espresso! The next day, I could hardly function; I was beyond knackered, and I was in exhaustion mode. I could hardly get out of bed, I slept in, and when I did awaken, I was groggy and almost disoriented. It took me three days to get back to normal, and now I wonder if that coffee guy wasn't feeling the after-effects of an Espresso probably given to him by his co-worker. I will never know, I guess, but I am suspicious!
A TRICKSTER IN THE HOUSE
After me Espresso recovery, the littlest of the lads told me he had been invited to his first birthday party and was very excited. It's today, and he asks every few minutes, "Is it time to go yet?" It's getting as bad as the "Are we there yet?" question that drives me up a pole.
So yesterday, Tonya asked him what he wanted to give his friend for his birthday. After much thinking, squinting eyes, looking at the ceiling, and a finger on the chin, the response was, at first, "How about... uh... uh... uh... a shirt!"
"A shirt? I'm sure he has lots of shirts. Think of something else you think you'd like to give him." Tonya said.
He went back into a thinking pose, but Guido piped up with, "How about a stuffed animal?"
"Yeah, a stuffed man-a-mal!" The wee one said, looking bright as a polished penny.
"Well, okay, are you sure?" Tonya asked.
"How-a-bout a . . . CHAIR?!" He threw at her.
"A chair? That's something your grandmother might give someone." I said as Mam sat down with her tea.
"An' a tea set with fine china and napkins," she said good-heartedly.
Of course, that got the wee one to think she was onto something, and he nodded his head, saying that yes, that was it—a chair and a tea set.
"Your friend is a boy," Tonya pointed out, "don't you think a toy would be a better idea?"
"Not necessarily," Mam said, stirring the pot, "buys like tea, luke at his fodder dere sippin' on tea."
I realised I was sipping tea and put it down, feeling self-conscious.
"How about a trip to Paddington Station?" The eldest unhelpfully threw out as he passed.
"NO!" The wee one cried. "HE DOESN'T WANNA GO DERE NOT NOW NOT EVER!"
"How do you noo dat?" Me Mam asked.
"'Cause he iz fraidies of Paddin'ton Bear and dunt wanna meet 'em in a dark station!"
"Ooh really, dat bad is it?" She replied.
"Yeah, it iz cus he hadda bad sperience wit Paddin'ton."
"Wot 'happened?" Mam egged him on.
"Well, he walked inta his livin' room an' Paddin'ton was sitting' on da couch, an he sat down in Paddin'ton's lap and Paddin'ton put his arms round 'em an wouldn't let 'em go!"
"Ooh my." She crooned.
While this back-and-forth was going on, the middle child, Guido, stopped to listen. I should have been suspicious of that, but I forgot about it as the subject dropped, and Tonya decided to take the wee one to the toy store to peruse the possible gifts.
Late that afternoon, I noticed Big Dog (Guido's oversized stuffed animal) was left sitting in a chair in the alcove. I was going to call Guid to remove it, but he was nowhere to be found. I forgot about it until ten minutes later (after Ton and the wee man returned home), when I heard this blood-curdling scream come from the alcove.
We ran in to find the wee man struggling to escape Big Dog's clutches! Me enterprising middle child had cut the stuffing out of Big Dog and got himself inside it. He must have been sitting motionless for an hour, awaiting his prey to come home from the toy store. It didn't end there; he got the eldest (who hadn't been home for the wee man scare) completely off guard. Big Dog was lying on O'Hare's bed when he jumped on the bed and got a huge surprise when he went to hug the 'stuffed' animal that hugged him back. There was a yelp and up he rose, looking to bash the dog, but before he could, I told him NO! Guido removed the head and laughed his arse off and oddly enough so did the wee-est one!
"Like dat dint 'appen ta yersel." Me Mam said, shaking her head with the perpetual cuppa tea in her hand.
Attempts at scaring his mother and me didn't work, and Big Dog is in the closet, ready for another day. I give it until Halloween, when we see Guido dressed in the dog suit roaming the house in the dark, looking to scare us. I just hope he doesn't fall over the real dog, who thinks the suit is quite the thing and takes to nipping at the heels of the 'costume' whenever it is in motion. I tell ya, there is never a dull moment!
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
Story #982
R. Linda:
Here are three stories for you that I never got around to writing a while back, but now that I have nothing much to do, HERE THEY ARE!
THE MEMORIAL
I feel like I live in a world that is turning upside down—this I mean outside me personal space. For example, in 1979, I remember me Mam telling me NOT to talk to strangers. In 2003, I remember my wife telling me NOT to meet with strangers. Now there is Tinder and the like that basically makes it just fine and dandy to not only talk to strangers but hook up with them for a one-nighter. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Do you remember Patrick? Well, Tinder be his go-to app. Enough said, but the stories he has!
I don't know about you, but me kiddos (at least the eldest) used to watch Dora the Explorer when he was a wee lad. He told me that as a teenager, the guys were watching Dora, but a rather dirty, grown-up Dora was exploring things we couldn't speak of here. WHAT?
No more late-night Dora for him! I now unplug the wi-fi at bedtime, and that does that.
I used to think the first-class ticket bought for the Big Bird costume (being transported on a plane) was bizarre, and I often wondered what folks in first class thought of that, but that is tame compared to what I am witnessing now.
Like Weasil in first class, you get the picture . . .
There is the matter of funerals, which I know is not a fun subject, but in this case, all I can do is laugh to keep me sanity intact. About five months ago, a man died of an overdose from self-medication (not uncommon in New Hampshire), and he was cremated. I knew him a wee bit and was invited to the memorial service. This I went to, and while waiting for everyone to arrive, I buddied up with a friend of mine and we both had beers and stepped out back of the house. A baggy of whiteish powder was on top of a pile of rocks made like a cairn. I turned to my bud and said, "Oh look, someone left their stash and forgot it."
"Oh, no, that's not drugs, that's Alvin."
I was taken aback.
"What you mean that's Alvin? Those are his ashes?" I was in disbelief.
"Yeh, Carol divided them up so we all get a bag to spread."
I was lost for words, but me thoughts were in a jumble of nonacceptance.
"This be what Alvin wanted?"
"I don't think he knew he was going to die, so I don't think he had any say in this," me friend answered, contemplating his beer. "I was at a funeral of a friend of mine out west a few years back, and they divided his ashes into four boxes and spread them in four different places." He said, looking off into the distance, making me question whether the memory was even a good one.
"I told my wife, don't put me in a cardboard box and divide me up and scatter me all over the place." He said with some anxiety.
I didn't know what to say and couldn't take my eyes off Alvin sitting on a rock waiting to be spread, or just left there. I had no clue and didn't ask.
Later, we all drove out to the spot where Alvin succumbed, which was on a beach, and there was a tray of the same baggies. We listened to the gospel reading, and then we were instructed to come up and take a bag of Alvin and spread his ashes in the water. Really?
Yeah, roll up the pant legs and stand in the water with Alvin's ashes swirling about your legs. Then come out with nothing to wipe them off with, NO!
I didn't do it, I'll tell you that right now, that creeped me out, it did. Didn't sleep for a few nights after that. I also made sure with me wife that if anything happened to me, not to divide me up into little baggies and scatter me to the four winds. I tell ya!
"I already have plans for you," Tonya said, "I'm using you as fertiliser for the garden."
Nice huh?
A VERY WIRED COFFEE
It may be that it was the gloomy and rainy weather, or it might be the sadness that summer is gone, and the mood is set for the long, snowy winter promised to come. Or, it might just be one person who works at Dunken Donuts who just can't get it together. I would think that if you worked in a coffee joint, you'd be sipping coffee all day long, or at least if you had the early morning shift, you'd be doing that just to wake yourself up.
One chilly morning, we had to go to Merrimack, NH, to pick up a futon my wife ordered for one of the boys' bedrooms. We got there around 9:30, picked up the futon, and I saw a Dunks down the road. Having had two small cups of joe that morning, I decided to stop for a medium-sized latte and a hot coffee for Tonya.
The place wasn't very busy, so I thought, "Good, we'll be in and out and on our way." We walked up to the counter, and this rather sleepy individual asked me if he could take our order. I told him I wanted a medium-sized latte with hot, whole milk and a Boston creme doughnut to go, and the gracious lady would have a large French vanilla swirl hot coffee with caramel and whole milk and an apple fritter.
"Uhhh . . . we don't have any French vanilla."
"OK, then. " I turned to her in question, and she said, "Then just a hot coffee."
"You want that hot?" He asks.
"Yes." Says she looking puzzled.
"What size was that?"
"Large, hot coffee, whole milk, no sugar."
"Oh, ok." And he punches in whatever on the computer.
So the girl behind him has whipped up my latte and has the hot coffee coming when he says to me, "Uh, an apple fritter and???"
"Boston creme," says I, "but wait, I see you have coffee rolls, I'd rather have one of those."
"Oh . . . so no Boston creme?"
"Right, a coffee roll instead."
So he gets the coffee roll, looks at me for a minute, and says, "Do you want the other doughnut in the same bag?"
Oh boy, "Yes." Says I, looking at the wife like IS IT ME? Then he says, "What was the second doughnut?"
"An apple fritter," Tonya said.
He gets the apple fritter, hands me the bag, and says, "Now that's two doughnuts, and one coffee, and what was the other?"
"A latte," I said, holding it up for him to see.
"Oh, right." He punches in the total and tells me it is $11.40 or some such number. I have nothing smaller than a twenty-dollar bill, so I hand him that. He looks at it like he's never seen one before, then looks to the girl who is getting coffee for a drive-thru order, like Help me! He finally decides in his sluggish brain that she is busy, so he looks at the computer and slowly counts out change. Coins first, bills second and when he gets it all together, nearly drops the change trying to set the bills and loose change into me outstretched hand, but it all went flying on the counter and to the floor. I tell ya!
Somehow, we made it out of there, and as we were pulling out, I asked Tonya if it was me or the guy in a fog.
"No, it was definitely him and SHE wasn't much better. He needs a cup of coffee or several cups to wake the heck up!" She said, sipping her own.
I took a sip of mine and wowey, wow, wow! I almost went through the roof. The coffee-making chickie had given me not a latte, but a full cup of ESPRESSO! I was in coffee heaven! Why couldn't she have done that for her co-worker? But I was very pleased and thrilled. The only problem was, I couldn't shut up. I be so wired it will take two days for the wired-ness to wear off. It must be obvious because I have been running around doing things around the house since we got back. Even me Mam remarked how energised I was.
I was doing the laundry, shovelling the walk of black ice, and then using ice melt on it. I did all the lunch dishes, vacuumed the living room, popped more popcorn, and even made caramel to roll it in. I washed the dog and even washed the cat!
Talk about energiser bunny, that was me! It took until 2 a.m. for me to wind down. I watched reruns of CNN, that's how crazy I was, or how fried me brain was from the Espresso! The next day, I could hardly function; I was beyond knackered, and I was in exhaustion mode. I could hardly get out of bed, I slept in, and when I did awaken, I was groggy and almost disoriented. It took me three days to get back to normal, and now I wonder if that coffee guy wasn't feeling the after-effects of an Espresso probably given to him by his co-worker. I will never know, I guess, but I am suspicious!
A TRICKSTER IN THE HOUSE
After me Espresso recovery, the littlest of the lads told me he had been invited to his first birthday party and was very excited. It's today, and he asks every few minutes, "Is it time to go yet?" It's getting as bad as the "Are we there yet?" question that drives me up a pole.
So yesterday, Tonya asked him what he wanted to give his friend for his birthday. After much thinking, squinting eyes, looking at the ceiling, and a finger on the chin, the response was, at first, "How about... uh... uh... uh... a shirt!"
"A shirt? I'm sure he has lots of shirts. Think of something else you think you'd like to give him." Tonya said.
He went back into a thinking pose, but Guido piped up with, "How about a stuffed animal?"
"Yeah, a stuffed man-a-mal!" The wee one said, looking bright as a polished penny.
"Well, okay, are you sure?" Tonya asked.
"How-a-bout a . . . CHAIR?!" He threw at her.
"A chair? That's something your grandmother might give someone." I said as Mam sat down with her tea.
"An' a tea set with fine china and napkins," she said good-heartedly.
Of course, that got the wee one to think she was onto something, and he nodded his head, saying that yes, that was it—a chair and a tea set.
"Your friend is a boy," Tonya pointed out, "don't you think a toy would be a better idea?"
"Not necessarily," Mam said, stirring the pot, "buys like tea, luke at his fodder dere sippin' on tea."
I realised I was sipping tea and put it down, feeling self-conscious.
"How about a trip to Paddington Station?" The eldest unhelpfully threw out as he passed.
"NO!" The wee one cried. "HE DOESN'T WANNA GO DERE NOT NOW NOT EVER!"
"How do you noo dat?" Me Mam asked.
"'Cause he iz fraidies of Paddin'ton Bear and dunt wanna meet 'em in a dark station!"
"Ooh really, dat bad is it?" She replied.
"Yeah, it iz cus he hadda bad sperience wit Paddin'ton."
"Wot 'happened?" Mam egged him on.
"Well, he walked inta his livin' room an' Paddin'ton was sitting' on da couch, an he sat down in Paddin'ton's lap and Paddin'ton put his arms round 'em an wouldn't let 'em go!"
"Ooh my." She crooned.
While this back-and-forth was going on, the middle child, Guido, stopped to listen. I should have been suspicious of that, but I forgot about it as the subject dropped, and Tonya decided to take the wee one to the toy store to peruse the possible gifts.
Late that afternoon, I noticed Big Dog (Guido's oversized stuffed animal) was left sitting in a chair in the alcove. I was going to call Guid to remove it, but he was nowhere to be found. I forgot about it until ten minutes later (after Ton and the wee man returned home), when I heard this blood-curdling scream come from the alcove.
We ran in to find the wee man struggling to escape Big Dog's clutches! Me enterprising middle child had cut the stuffing out of Big Dog and got himself inside it. He must have been sitting motionless for an hour, awaiting his prey to come home from the toy store. It didn't end there; he got the eldest (who hadn't been home for the wee man scare) completely off guard. Big Dog was lying on O'Hare's bed when he jumped on the bed and got a huge surprise when he went to hug the 'stuffed' animal that hugged him back. There was a yelp and up he rose, looking to bash the dog, but before he could, I told him NO! Guido removed the head and laughed his arse off and oddly enough so did the wee-est one!
"Like dat dint 'appen ta yersel." Me Mam said, shaking her head with the perpetual cuppa tea in her hand.
Attempts at scaring his mother and me didn't work, and Big Dog is in the closet, ready for another day. I give it until Halloween, when we see Guido dressed in the dog suit roaming the house in the dark, looking to scare us. I just hope he doesn't fall over the real dog, who thinks the suit is quite the thing and takes to nipping at the heels of the 'costume' whenever it is in motion. I tell ya, there is never a dull moment!
 |
| Come sit on my lap |
 |
| HA HA HA HA! |
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
LOL I (in particular), like that last story and the pictures are perfect! Thank you for your continued humour in these bizarre times. It was good chatting with you even if it was a few minutes online. I hope I helped with the blog problem.
ReplyDeletepoor alvin! poor you and the espresso! did you have a headache from all that caffeine? loved the dog story or stuffed dog story. never a dull moment at your house!
ReplyDeleteYes, thanks Wolf it did work and was nice to talk and catch up. Stay safe and well and I hope to hear from you soon.
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO tell Tonya to put your ashes on roses. Or grind up your bones for the Roses Send me a small portion and I'll spread them in the mountains. If you get that wired run here and put my IKEA furniture together for me. You'll have it done in 10 minutes! Crazy daddy makes crazy mids times 3! Wno can scare the crap out
ReplyDeleteOf who first?
LOL R. Linda you have me pegged you do!
ReplyDelete