Non-Convention Viewing, Ice Cream, The Bachelorette, A Little More Ice Cream, Malania Obama(?), More Ice Cream, General Flynn, Major Ice Cream!

19 July 2016

Story #818

R. Linda:

Disclaimer for those who watch The Bachelorette -- if you have not seen the 18 July episode, do not read any further

I have tried, albeit not too hard, to stay out of this year's political circus. But last night was so bizarre, I just had to wade into the shallow end.

It all started with the subject of ice cream. Mam was watching Chronicle Main Streets and Back Roads, a show about jaunts to out-of-the-way places in Maine, offering the travelling foodie scenic views, and in most cases, treats like homemade fudge, saltwater taffy, giant lobster rolls, gourmet dining, local brews, and lots and lots of ice cream. Mam noticed that everyone photographed in these segments (of which there are many jaunts across northern New England featured) shows a lot of obese people, and what are they doing? Consuming not the scenery, but good old New England creamery ice cream! Oh yes, we have a lot of that going on.

"I tell ya Gabriel, Rude Island and Maine seem ta hav' the most obese people in dem. All I ever see iz some parson of large proportions eating ice cream. Luke's like New Hampshire gonna be joinin' dat list." She said, eyeing me.

This was a blanket statement said as I walked in with a bowl of the same. I turned right around without a word and back to the kitchen to eat me obese making food substance by meself. In the background, I could hear the convention coming on. As I was finishing, Tonya yelled to me.

"Are you hearing this, Gabe? The Navy SEAL who just spoke seems unhinged."

I walked to the door and glanced into the room to see a man with dishevelled hair and facial growth, generally looking like a homeless person and just shook me head. I hadn't really listened, but appearances . . . well. I was not going to get sucked in, so I went back into the kitchen to rummage in the fridge and what did I find? Neapolitan ice cream! Yes, vanilla, strawberry and chocolate! And what was on the counter? A last banana! I made myself a banana split, complete with all the gooey toppings, whipped cream, and three cherries on top!

I had decided early on that I was not watching the chaos convention if I could help it. The wife and Mam chose to watch it, blow by blow. I left them to it and felt like I should be with them, but just could not bring meself to watch. Already in the kitchen, I put me banana split in a larger dish than usual to quell the stress level. I took meself to my office to do online shopping, something me wife does when stressed, and she has told me how beneficial this be, so I cruised Amazon, E-bay, Google, Wayfair, Home Depot, Nordstroms, Macy's, and Target, all the places she goes and nary a thing called to me. So, I flipped on the telly to The Bachelorette, which was the only programme on besides the dreaded convention. I was on me third bowl of ice cream because, quite frankly, Jo-Jo stressed me out over Luke. Here he was basically pleading with her to PICK HIM! He even had a candlelit path to a flower-shaped heart, and I nearly had tears, I did, at the thought, until I realised the crew of the series probably made it.

Then at the airplane hanger, Luke asks for a moment alone with her, he blurts out he loves her, and she looks like, I don't care but says she does. I was like WHAT? He gave her a sales pitch at his ranch, and she needed to hear him say those words. It was obvious to me that out of the other three contenders, he tried the hardest. He pulled himself inside out, and she didn't get it. She was going to send him home, and now that he had spoken the desired words, she didn't know what to do. I was like -- There is no chemistry, Jo-Jo! NONE at all, send the poor man home before you scar his mental psyche for life! I know, too much ice cream gets one on an emotional sugar high where I'd never get that way UNLESS I be forced to watch heartbreak or, as Mam says, 'harttake' on the telly while gobbling down a banana split in a giant bowl with a tablespoon!

So I realised I was losing me manly thinking over this, too many times the wife and mother have sobbed their hearts out about some poor bloke going home on Jo-Jo's command. It has rubbed off on me as my stress over convention and the possibility of a President Rump, I mean Trump freezes me brain into absolute fear that I will be moving to Canada real soon. I was feeling heavy and sluggish from consuming many giant bowls of ice cream (which I managed to finish off a whole container of peanut butter cups with caramel on me own), and drowsiness had set in. The convention was still on, so I shuffled into me bedroom with the full intent of dropping off. But that didn't happen. My phone lit up like crazy with six different news service alerts. They all said the same thing: Melania Trump plagiarised Michelle Obama's 2008 convention speech. WHAT?

As you can imagine, this news-hound had to tune in now. I tuned into CBS News, and the commentators were saying that the Twitter Universe had lit up like a Christmas tree after Melania Trump's speech. They showed first a clip of Michelle Obama at the 2008 convention, then a clip of Melania, and it was almost word-for-word. I sat there at first, horrified that someone in the Trump camp did this, and was it to embarrass Trump or a sick joke on Melania? I went for a drink because the ice cream had made me thirsty when the commentators transitioned to a ha-ha segment of the delegation from Colorado walking out and then magically reappearing later, as if nothing had ever happened. It sounded ridiculous, so off to the kitchen I went. Now I wish I had got something stronger like a double martini or a straight-up Scotch neat! Because when I came back, the commentators had moved on, and they were gone. Shouting at me through the telly screen was the failed VP hopeful General Flynn, the scariest man since Darth Vader threatened to kill Luke Skywalker. He was spewing fear-mongering at a new level, and any thoughts of sleep went right out the window. I had to self-medicate meself to sleep after listening to the alarming speech the General thought fit to deliver so close to a man's bedtime. I wish I had never clicked on that alert.

As I was getting into me PJs, I switched over to CNN, where, thankfully, a panel discussion was underway with Flynn's booming voice and scary presence off in the distance, spouting more gloom and doom. The commentator was talking loudly over the general as he tried to engage Donna Brazile in conversation on the Democrats' side. However, the general was still loud, and I could hear him clearly over the in vain discussion to close him out. I switched off the telly, having had enough.

I tried to sleep, but the General's speech kept playing on my mind. Finally, I got out the Zzzqull and self-medicated meself to blot it all out. As a result, I overslept this morning. Great general, just great.

I tell ya, if I look at the convention of a party I don't recognise, I will come armed with personal stress relievers, a large bowl of ice cream and a Scotch neat. And Zzzqull will be waiting on the nightstand with the Valium that Mam sometimes takes. I will be prepared if I get drawn in, and I will be determined not to be.

Gabe
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