The King in the car park -- Oh Richard is that you?

575

16 September 2012

R. Linda:

For days I've heard snatches of conversation regarding a bunch of bones dug up in a Leicester parking lot in merry old England. I registered a sneer when I heard whose bones they might belong to. Come on now, I be entitled as an Irish person to sneer at an English king who enslaved not only Ireland but Wales and Scotland as well as England. Here I go, probably off on a tangent, but listen here, we are talking about the hunched-back king, Richard the Third or when he was alive Richard the Awfully Terrible and we aren't talking Russia we are talking England!

I know some of me English readers will say he wasn't the worst of the worst, Henry VIII and that unctuous Cromwell come close in the running, but be that as it may, the worst of the worse seems more reserved for King John who was really Prince John, who made life interesting for his brother King Richard Coeur-de-lion, while Richard was away fighting in the Holy Land. What is the old saying? While the cats are away the mice will play? And play he did, so much so he earned the title King John the Worst. Here let's have a look at the rogues gallery, shall we?

Henry the VIII -- Chopper of heads

Oliver Cromwell -- Burner of monks

1520 painting of King Richard III - all-around villain  and murderer of children

    King John - enemy of the people

All this aside, as far as Richard III is concerned, here be a man who nullified his own late brother's marriage so the two young orphaned princes Edward V and Richard of York (Richard's own nephews) could not ascend (either one of them) the throne, by throwing them in the old bloody Tower of London and then probably had them both murdered. And, while his wife was sick and unable to conceive, sly Richard slept with his niece to beget an heir. I know what you're going to say, that the heir would not be legal if he wasn't married to her, but this is King Richard 3 we are talking, legal/smegel he'd fix that. I do believe the shorter-handled axe was coming into vogue in that era were they not? If not, a great battle axe would do the trick. You get me drift, a chopping block be a chopping block no matter the chopper.

A note here: Some 40 years back 2 adolescent boys' skeletons were found in the Tower. The request for testing was put into the Queen's office but as of this date, they are still waiting for her to consent. I think if these are the two lost princes of the Tower, they should be afforded a state funeral as well since this subject is being bandied about for Richard 3. Make a nice family grouping don't you think? All back together AGAIN. I think if we can get them all tested, and if they all are of royal disposition then let's do it! Get it over and done with, all royal kings accounted for and we are done, done, done! Richard's remains are the last of the lost. Oh wait a minute, there be the subject of King Arthur. If that's not him in Glastonbury Abbey then who is that?

So, why has this got yours truly in an Irish tizzy? For no reason, but I found the fact that the Richard The Third Society -- all things Richard 3, says if the old bones turn out to be the real thing, I mean king, they think a state funeral be in order. I can hear ya saying, "Really?" Yup, really. If that wasn't bad enough there are now factions arguing over WHERE to bury the bones. It was suggested they be buried in York where his wife is buried. POOR WOMAN, as if his cheating and treating her like a hausfrau wasn't enough, and after all these centuries of resting in peace, they want to throw the old lecher in the tomb with her! I'd be spinning I would. I can hear her in me head, "Put it back! Put it back! A curse awaits ye!"

There is a good possibility the bones are King Richard's. They show a fatal wound to the skull which if you read your English history you will find that it says something like Richard was pulled from his horse and violently set upon about the noggin' and Bob's your uncle, he had no time to shout, "A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!" because quick work was made of him. Not only THAT but seems a barbed arrow had pierced his back because that was still embedded in the old bent spine. OUCH! And one more thing, the old spine showed the signs of scoliosis which is more what historians believe was wrong with the old cranky hunchback to begin with.

Looks like scoliosis to me!

So the "King of the car park" also has going for him, the fact he was the last of the Plantagenets before the Tudors came into power and the guillotine got to work in earnest. This begs the question of just how English was Richard? As a Plantagenet, he was actually of French ancestry so one could argue he was not really a purebred Englishman (maybe the bones should be sent to France?). His was the house to rule after the Normans invaded and effectively enslaved Saxon England, moving on to Wales and Scotland, and finally the emerald isle of Erin. With this in mind, in me humble opinion, Richard deserves to be re-interred under the car park. As a usurper and traitor his fate was dealt fairly methinks, and so should his burial.

Let's get serious, he died five hundred years ago, no one living remembers him and if there are any living relatives (which seems there must be one for that DNA comparison), does a king with a history so horrible (War of the Roses I be talking) afford the respect of a modern nation to a more than dignified service?

The Parking Lot - the area where bones were discovered

When I told me sainted Mam of this, her reaction was, "Oh git real he's been a dead bugger fer centuries, why all the pomp and ceremony now?" And me Da was just as adamant, "He stole da crown! So much for protectin' the legitimate heirs, he had dem declared illegitimate by nullifyin' King Edward's marriage and den probably murdered da two princes. And den dere be da havoc he wrought wit Ireland! He was buried da way he was because why? Duh!"

Well, a state funeral would be paid for by . . . yes, the people of the UK. Their taxes at work! I say, if he still has family out there, let THEM pay for it just like the rest of us pay for ours OR leave him in the parking lot.

UPDATE: We can all breathe a sigh of relief, the old bugger is our Richard 3! "They (the bones) will be reinterred early next year in Leicester's Anglican cathedral, about 100 yards from where they were dug up." So says the Huffington Post. Here is a new picture courtesy University of Leicester, England. Seems King Richard had a royal hacking to the body by a suspected halberd, and we need to ban those things! Anyway, alas poor Richard, we knew him well.

Dem Bones!

Gabe

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