There is family then there is the Dragon

23 October 2010

315

R. Linda:

So, surprise, surprise for Gabriel! The un-surprise is me sainted parents have arrived from the old sod BUT so has the Jersey Devil's daughter! I had no idea the Dragon would put in an appearance. None, clueless! I took me sick self to the airport, picked up me parental units and came on home to a white stretch limo parked outside my front door I did. 

What is this? I thought to meself all a wonder. My parents were all craning their necks to take it in. Who of greatness to be driven in a limo did I know? Well, didn't take much to find out! As I got me parents out of me little Saturn, there coming out the front door with Tonya and the wee boyos, was THE DRAGON LADY. I was like, no, this cannot be happening. To have my parents subjected to the Dragon in me own home . . . well I'd rather be tied to a chair and made to look at Hieronymus Bosch paintings until I start screaming me fool head off. Views of painted hell are much better than the Dragon with me sainted parents sitting at a table, talking about God knows what, most probably ME!

The white limo she did on purpose to impress my old-world parents, I know she did. Who does that? I hope it costs her a pretty penny I do. 

After what passed for pleasantries, we all went inside. My parents had brought us gifts from Ireland, but because they did not expect another family member, had nothing for the Dragon, so they were mum on those things, except for O'Hare, who, jumping up and down in anticipation let the cat out of the bag. Reluctantly me Da got the satchel with the presents and was forced with red-faced confusion to start handing the goodies out like an embarrassed Santa. Me Mam, always quick thinking, had a Belleek candy dish, and she handed it over to Dragon as if she had expected her. Later, she told Tonya it was a little something for "her," but she would send over another; she felt it would be nice as they were handing out presents from the Emerald Isle. They should at least give something to her mother. That's Mam, always including everyone in a celebration. Tonya felt touched that Mam would think so highly of her Mam. Yup. "Touched" is the word; I couldn't have found a better word for myself.

Once this awkwardness was over, Tonya and Mam went to the kitchen to start tea. I went to sit Da down as Dragon plopped herself in the very chair he usually sits in. How she knew to take that chair, I have not a clue as usually she spreads herself out on the couch. But there she was as if it were a game of musical chairs. Da sat down with me on the couch, and the boyos played on the floor with their Irish toys (and there were a slew of them which our cat was swatting at as well) so suddenly with the boyos playing and making noise at the cat, it seemed we were rather in a small area.

"Ye couldn't swing a cat in here," me father laughed at all the toys spread all over the floor, and Dragon, not used to Irish expressions, grabbed up the cat and got all indignant and scolded him on ever doing anything of the kind. I was floored. He was confounded. I had to explain to her it was nothing more than a turn on words we Irish are notorious when it comes to expressing ourselves in colourful phrases. 

After much awkward silence, we were called into the kitchen for tea. My father decided there was nothing to be done but let the Dragon go on first and pick out her chair so there would be no more odd moments of both trying for the same seat. Once we were all seated, the children naturally followed and spread the assortment of new toys all over the floor. Tonya had put the steaming teapot in front of the place she usually sits, but the Dragon had taken her chair, so said teapot was in front of her. After more bits of guarded conversation, me dear old Mam whispered with a smile to the Dragon, "The tea won't pour itself," and the Dragon woke up with a scowl to that remark and somewhat embarrassed, started pouring. I knew exactly what she was thinking, which was because her skin was darker than ours; we were making her the servant. Believe me, when it comes to skin colour, the Dragon goes spastic on anyone who makes a joke or says anything disparaging about darker-coloured skin tones. Quickly, I jumped in to lead the conversation away from anything that could give the Dragon ammo. Believe me, she'd find a way to work that in even though it was not what Mam intended.

Usually, when she does this, she turns the talk to plantations, slave ships and the like, and I, in turn, talk about the potato blight and subsequent famine and the Titanic! It gets rather heated on both sides it does, and is very out of control.

Well, after we had our tea and scones, we sat there chatting. Everything the Dragon wanted to know about my home life was questioned. Da had no trouble telling her all about me. I was uncomfortable because some of the stories he embellished to make me look a fool because that is what my father does best with his entire family. If you hear the family history, you'd be wondering how it is the silly O'Sullivans finally produced the one and only brain in the family, me Da. He takes great joy in this and ends everything with, "Sure and begorrah, it be the truth."

Now Dragon was eating this all up; she was loving hearing what a total eejit I was, and she'd finish every story my father told with an "I knew it!" Of course. Oi! Then she asks him what begorrah means because she said, "Gabriel uses that all the time and I don't quite know what it means."

"Begorrah?" Me Da asked all self-important, "Why it means by God, it does."

"So, your son swears at me a lot because he's begorrahing me this and begorrahing me that." 

"NOT TRUE." I piped up, quite embarrassed she'd say that in front of me folks. I know it is not a big deal, but if you had been sitting through all the bullshite me Da was scooping on the table about ME, you'd be a tad sensitive as well. Thinking fast, I changed the subject to his other favourite fool, me Mam. I shouted, "Me Mam is royalty, you know, right Da?" I don't know why I did that, I should have shouted my sister's name, she was always good for silly stories, but for some strange reason, it came out of me mouth. It is a story Da loves to tell about the time Mam became a tour guide of sorts at Warwick Castle, and she became instant royalty and FRENCH!

Yes, to be short, here it be: One summer, Mam had won a trip for four to Warwick, England. She had correctly answered something about Cromwell's men burning a monk inside the Tudor Inn and even knew the scorch marks were still there. How she knew this, I have notta clue (me Da said she knew it because she was there -- a remark she did not appreciate), but she did know it, and that was the one question of a bundle that no one else in all of Ireland, who entered the silly contest knew. All the Irish know about the English is they have GUNS, so Mam getting the question right was quite a feat. Anyway, I was all of sixteen at the time and had never been out of me own country, so a trip to England was a biggy. Some families go to Disneyland, and the O'Sullivan's go to a drafty old castle. We stayed at the very Tudor Inn, and sure enough and begorrah, there were the scorch marks! One of the things she won was a free tour of Warwick Castle, which was a short walk from the Inn. We had a guided tour of the place and were to be treated to a picnic on the grounds with the Red Knight. This was all fine and good, and it came off, and the other tourists at the castle had no clue why we were being treated "special." Once the picnic was over, we could do whatever we wanted. Well, Mam thought it would be nice to walk through the castle again, now that she knew basically what was what, and me Da was too full of food to move and enjoying the company of the Red Knight, so me and me sissy went down to the water to take in the grounds, while Mam went back inside.

A group of women tourists had seen the special treatment Mam had had and took it upon themselves to go up to me sainted little apple-cheeked Mam and tell her they just "knew" she was SOMEONE. Mam, not being used to the star-struck public, thought to herself that, of course, she was someone; she was Mrs. O'Sullivan, but before she could utter that, one of the star-struck women gushed and said she must be a "lady" and of course, me sainted little almost grey-haired Mam knew she was a fine upstanding citizen of womanhood, and completely missed the insinuation of the "fan" she had acquired. Well, Lady O was gracious as she tried hard to understand why a nutter would be accosting her in a castle. As it turned out the woman and her little group followed me Mam asking her about different rooms as they walked through. Mam, being an accommodating sort, did her best to tell the little group what she knew from her own guided tour previously. At one point, they got to a window where if you looked down, you could see the guillotine. 

"Oh my, I didn't know they had guillotines in England, your Worship, is that from France or is that English-made?"

Well, Her Worship, who, by this time, was getting used to her new title, didn't know. She had never seen a guillotine before but in history books. She looked down, and it was painted red. She supposed to simulate blood. She thought a minute and then said, "Well . . . it be a Norman castle, and Normandy and Normans be French, I do tink that it be from Paris. William the Conquer probably brought it back as a souvenir to remind him of home." OK, Mam. That's about the time we caught up with her. The women were all Americans, and they knew nothing of English history, or Irish accents for that matter, so they believed every word. We were introduced as Lord O'Sullivan and the two bairns, to which the women were mouthing the word 'barrens' to each other, all confused. We had to physically push Mam away from them to get her back to the Inn, but not before the women insisted on taking pictures of us as the family who own the castle and are descended from William the Conquer. Yes, we were mistaken for FRENCH people. We laughed when we got home, thinking about them showing those pictures to their friends. It made a great family story, but not for anyone outside the family. BUT Dragon was technically family, so she heard this drivel embellished at Mam's expense. Mam was hopping mad by the time he finished, and the Dragon, for her part, was doubled over in laughter, making her madder. I thought this isn't good; she will make them both pay, and it won't be pretty. Then I remembered I was the one that started it, and I'd pay too!

Right off, she says to Dragon, "Ah and for sure, me sainted hoosband could talk the hind legs off a donkey, he could." I knew she wasn't using that sentence as a colourful Irish phrase, no, she meant it, and she was insinuating the Dragon was the donkey. I tried not to laugh as she winked at me, then remembered herself and gave me a dirty look. Da looked bewildered as she turned to him and, with a sigh, said to no one in general, "Of course, in me hoosband's mind, it be as dark as a paper bag," and off she went to the lounge. Me Da turned in his chair, wearing a scowl, watching her go as she muttered, "And he has as much personality as a piece of wet lettuce sometimes." Yes, her Worship did. She said all that with a smug smile on her face as she disappeared from view.

Now I was thinking, I needed to get rid of the Dragon. Already, there was a rift between my sainted parents, and besides that, the thought dawned on me that we had only one extra room. Where was I to put all these people?  Suddenly panicked, I looked at Tonya, who was looking at me in question. I didn't know what to do. The more animated I became, the more she looked questioningly at me. Finally, I scooped up me cup and saucer and went after me Mam. She sat on the couch with the remote, clicking through the stations. I quickly put down me tea and went to the door and started as quickly as I could, to put their bags in the extra bedroom. I did notice the Dragon's bags were still by the door, so with energy, I got all me parents' bags in that room, then came running out and grabbed Mam up off the couch and, shushing her, led her to the spare room, wherein a whisper I told her to "Quick unpack!" She was all a dither and didn't understand why I wanted her to unpack.

I ran back to the lounge and picked up my teacup just in time as Da and the Dragon entered the room, followed by the boyos. Da asked where Mam was, and I told him unpacking. I had a very wide grin on me face. The Dragon's eyes were like slits looking at me, and I thought she saw right through me scheme. Tonya came out of the kitchen before anything more was said and sweetly informed me I had the couch, her mother was sharing our bed with her. I could feel the grin on my face going frozen and falling away like ice does when it melts. Yup, my own wife was throwing ME out of ME OWN BED. Who does that? I was ordered by the Dragon-in-law to put her bags in "Tonya's room."

So here I am, somewhat in the doggy house. My wife is puzzled by me behaviour and is more puzzled by the sudden, unexpected appearance of her own mother. MY mother is talking to me one moment, then remembering a certain story and not talking to me the next. Me father is being coy and not saying much to anyone, but concentrating on the newspaper crossword puzzle. Only the wee boyos are happy, and the cat too. I have a terrible feeling Dragon is going to settle in, not because she likes my parents, but because she delights in the fact I have to sleep on the couch. As I told you, me parents are here until New Year's. Keep your fingers crossed that the Dragon isn't here that long because if this all comes to pass, yours truly will be institutionalised for sure, begorrah!

The Castle Warwick - it's bigger than this, just a portion shown here to give you an idea of the grounds behind it.

THE Guillotine

Gabe

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