275
R. Linda:
Chapter 1 of 2 or maybe . . . not
It was a glorious day at Pigsboil Academy for people with severe limitations of living in the outside world. Sully Rotter adjusted his square cut glasses and high-fived his bestest friend Weasil as they made their way inside the grey stoned institute. The great hall was full of kids just like them, and one in particular, Herhinny Stranger was waiting to greet her two buds. Once salutations were over, they sat down with the rest to partake of the Great First Day Back Feast. There was ice cold squash juice, heaps of greasy fried flies, worm tartare, and even a whooping roast of aardvark rump. Looking over the misfits were the teachers, yes there was headmaster Stumbledoor, Professor Sap, who taught Portions (a little bit of this, and a little bit of that), Professor McComical who taught Transendental Magnification Of Fillings, and Haggard, the put upon instructor of Misfits And How To Fake Being A Cool Kid. They smiled nervously at the noisy confusion.
Just as dessert materialised out of thin air (a great mushy pudding made of suet covered in plum sauce) the doors banged open and in came Saco Mouthy and his two toadies Cobee Coyle and Robert Sponge. Hair slicked back with so much pomade it glistened, Saco gave the side of his head a full palm swipe as if he had to keep it out of his face. As a result of this action, his hand dripped greasy pomade which he unthinkingly rubbed on sponge's sleeve. Sponge looked down at the dripping ooze, stuck a finger in it, inserted it in his mouth and sucked his finger as if the pomade was flavoured and maybe it was! They slithered down to their table but not before stopping next to Rotter and his mates, snickering.
"Wot wuz dat bout?" Asked Weasil with a mouthful of suet pud.
"I dunno." Rotter answered adjusting his square cut Ben Franklin glasses.
"Brilliant!" Herhinny exploded. "They come in here and you two don't put out a leg to trip them. I don't get it."
The two boys looked at Herhinny and shrugged.
There was a loud banging from the teachers table. Stumbledoor was using his tin cup to get everyones attention.
"I have an announcement to make to you. As most of you probably know by now, Serious Flack has escaped from Askagain Prison. We understand he is on his way here, if he isn't already here. All of you need to take a caution and if you should see him, don't try any reckless vigilante tactics. You come to one of us straight ways."
There was a buzz of noise as the students spoke among themselves.
Stumbledoor banged the table again.
"And remember the greatest fear of the unknown, is that which you do not know."
Herhinny frowned and mouthed his words. She mumbled them to herself trying to figure out what Stumbledoor meant.
The midday feast over, the students began to file out to their respective dormitories of which there were only two, Slideonin and Grayfender. Ravenscaw and Subtlefluff having succumbed to too many dorms, not enough good and evil, none of that in-between stuff.
Rotter and his two friends came to the entrance of their dorm, the last ones to arrive. They had lingered in the hallway petting Mr. Pilfer's cat, Miss Ignoris whom they had a true affection for. Upon arrival at their common room entrance, they had to give the fat guy eating the burger a password.
"Gobbledygook!" Weasil said.
"Easy for you to say." The fat man laughed taking another bite of the burger.
"Giblets and gravy!" Rotter declared.
"Oh now wouldn't that be a yum? Nope try again." The burger eating man said.
"Shaky bakey!" Herhinny shouted and the door opened.
The common room was deserted. Everyone had disappeared. They looked around under the tables and chairs, but no, no sign of their Grayfender classmates.
"Where'd dey go?" Weasil asked looking inside his shirt.
"I dunno." Responded Rotter, turning out his pockets.
Usually the all knowing Herhinny would have some brilliant quip of her own to add, but she was silent. The two boys looked at her. She was standing as if petrified in the middle of the room. Her finger pointing to a dark corner. Weasil and Rotter went to where she was standing and squinted their eyes. Yes, there was a dark misty figure trying to hide in the black draperies.
"You come out now!" Herhinny squeaked.
There was deep laughter as the man dressed entirely in black draperies stepped into the firelight.
"Serious Flack!" Rotter spat taking a step back.
"Yes Rotter, it is I, Serious Flack, eater of bunny ears and . . . other things."
"Aflac?" Weasil questioned.
"NO, F-L-A-C-K, Flack." Flack said, gesturing to his black drapery robes and indicating thus he looked nothing like a duck.
"Ooh I taught yer were an insurance salesgoose." Weasil said nodding like he had it now.
"Duck." Herhinney whispered to him.
"Cluck?" Weasil asked all confused.
"Duck. Like in quack, quack, not chicken." Rotter offered.
"Huh, but he said . . . "
"DUCK!" Everyone shouted and Weasil ducked looking up to see what might have tried to hit him. When he saw nothing and the others staring at him like he was a moron, he straightened up.
"Oh."
"As I was saying," Flack said moving closer, "I am your godfather Rotter, really, I've come to take you home."
"Dunt ya believe em' Sully, he's jus sayin dat." Weasil said finally getting the hang of what was going on.
"Rotter, blood is thicker than water you know, you should listen to me." Flack said.
"So what?" Interrupted herhinny,
"Yeah," Weasil jumped in, "custard is thicker den blood so are desserts more important den family?"
Everyone stood there, mouthing Weasil's words as if confused.
"Only if you're related to the Sand People." Flack said looking at Weasil.
"Uh . . . " Weasil found himself lost for words for a change.
"You're a few clowns short of a circus, eh there Weasil?" Flack said and then turned to Sully. "So Rotter, we need to be on our way. You have lived in this dream world too long. There is a lot of reality out there and you need to experience some of it." Flack motioned to Sully to come with him.
"And why should I go with him?" Sully asked Weasil.
"Uh, cuz ya can leadie a horsie ta water but ya can't make it gather any mossie?"
"Right." Sully said and turned to Flack. "First tell me where all me classmates have gone to."
Flack let a slow smile cross his face. He took his right hand from behind his back and held up a long willow wand.
"Brilliant!" Herhinny muttered watching small sparks shoot like mini fireworks from the tip of the wand.
"Yes, I did." Flack said, reading their minds.
"Diddie wot?" Weasil asked.
"I made them all disappear with one flick of my wand."
"Ooh brill." Whispered Herhinny in awe.
"So what's that supposed to prove?" Sully asked. "What difference if they were all here than not?"
"Really Sully, they are all behind the drapes, I was only kidding." And with a flick of the wand the drapes pulled back as if by magic, and there frozen against the stone walls of the old fortress were 100 Grayfender students.
"Oh my gravy," Herhinny whispered impressed, "can you teach me to do that?"
"Lets not get off the reason I'm here little lady," Flack half laughed but it was without mirth. "Rotter, let's go, before Stumbledoor does anymore damage to what's left of your brain, we need to plunge into reality and by the look of it, soon. You don't want to end up like your friend there, Weasil, now do you? It's perfectly obvious the lad got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking."
Weasil looked up as if he would understand that last statement by divine guidance but it wasn't coming.
"I dunno," Sully said hesitating, "I . . . I . . . I . . . don't know if I can face reality."
"Ah and for sure ya can," Flack said catching himself, he let his real accent come through and the three Grayfender student's heads turned in unison, as they looked at him more closely.
"Ah ha! You're an Irishman in disguise!" Declared Herhinny.
"I taught yer looked miliar." Weasil stated looking like he was smart or near to it.
"You're . . . you're . . . you're . . . not Serious Flack, you're Who he Used to Be! Sir Boldamount, AKA Marsib O'Dolnut!"
"Tsk, the old Gaelic name comes back to haunt me," sighed Flack or O'Dolnut. "All right, you're right! So what? I took advantage of a close resemblance to Flack and besides I sucked the energy out of him and stepped in as him if you get me drift. The only thing that's really changed besides me looks is now proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. I admit, I am a prime example of THAT, but not so much as Weasil who is a prime candidate for natural deselection."
O'Dolnut raised his wand in Weasil's direction.
"WAIT!" Shouted Herhinny. "Weasil drank from the fountain of knowledge, but he only gargled. We can fix that."
"Just a shorty minute, yer never talkin bout me like dat." Weasil said feeling indignant and sort of knowing the reason why. "I refusi ta be ah experimentie in artificial stupidity.
There was silence.
Rotter turned to Herhinny and said, "He isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but that kinda made sense."
Herhinny whispered back, "It's moments like these when you know the wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead, sort of."
O'Dolnut had successfully taken the focus off himself and onto the slowly simmering Weasil, but it was Herhinny who realised it.
"YOU," she whipped out her birch wood wand and pointed it at O'Dolnut, "are about to be magicked."
To everyones surprise, O'Dolnut laughed at her. Then he got serious and raised his wand back at her.
"Ut oh, we got a stalematie of da wandies," Weasil said scratching his head. He did the next best thing, he pulled out his bent up blackthorn wand and tried to point it at O'Dolnut, but it kept pointing back at himself. He flipped it back, but it slowly bent back at him. He stood as if the wand was pointing the other way like he had control, but everyone knew it was all show, the wand controlled him. Meanwhile, Sully stood there stupefied at all the wand pointing.
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Chapter 1 of 2 or maybe . . . not
It was a glorious day at Pigsboil Academy for people with severe limitations of living in the outside world. Sully Rotter adjusted his square cut glasses and high-fived his bestest friend Weasil as they made their way inside the grey stoned institute. The great hall was full of kids just like them, and one in particular, Herhinny Stranger was waiting to greet her two buds. Once salutations were over, they sat down with the rest to partake of the Great First Day Back Feast. There was ice cold squash juice, heaps of greasy fried flies, worm tartare, and even a whooping roast of aardvark rump. Looking over the misfits were the teachers, yes there was headmaster Stumbledoor, Professor Sap, who taught Portions (a little bit of this, and a little bit of that), Professor McComical who taught Transendental Magnification Of Fillings, and Haggard, the put upon instructor of Misfits And How To Fake Being A Cool Kid. They smiled nervously at the noisy confusion.
Just as dessert materialised out of thin air (a great mushy pudding made of suet covered in plum sauce) the doors banged open and in came Saco Mouthy and his two toadies Cobee Coyle and Robert Sponge. Hair slicked back with so much pomade it glistened, Saco gave the side of his head a full palm swipe as if he had to keep it out of his face. As a result of this action, his hand dripped greasy pomade which he unthinkingly rubbed on sponge's sleeve. Sponge looked down at the dripping ooze, stuck a finger in it, inserted it in his mouth and sucked his finger as if the pomade was flavoured and maybe it was! They slithered down to their table but not before stopping next to Rotter and his mates, snickering.
"Wot wuz dat bout?" Asked Weasil with a mouthful of suet pud.
"I dunno." Rotter answered adjusting his square cut Ben Franklin glasses.
"Brilliant!" Herhinny exploded. "They come in here and you two don't put out a leg to trip them. I don't get it."
The two boys looked at Herhinny and shrugged.
There was a loud banging from the teachers table. Stumbledoor was using his tin cup to get everyones attention.
"I have an announcement to make to you. As most of you probably know by now, Serious Flack has escaped from Askagain Prison. We understand he is on his way here, if he isn't already here. All of you need to take a caution and if you should see him, don't try any reckless vigilante tactics. You come to one of us straight ways."
There was a buzz of noise as the students spoke among themselves.
Stumbledoor banged the table again.
"And remember the greatest fear of the unknown, is that which you do not know."
Herhinny frowned and mouthed his words. She mumbled them to herself trying to figure out what Stumbledoor meant.
The midday feast over, the students began to file out to their respective dormitories of which there were only two, Slideonin and Grayfender. Ravenscaw and Subtlefluff having succumbed to too many dorms, not enough good and evil, none of that in-between stuff.
Rotter and his two friends came to the entrance of their dorm, the last ones to arrive. They had lingered in the hallway petting Mr. Pilfer's cat, Miss Ignoris whom they had a true affection for. Upon arrival at their common room entrance, they had to give the fat guy eating the burger a password.
"Gobbledygook!" Weasil said.
"Easy for you to say." The fat man laughed taking another bite of the burger.
"Giblets and gravy!" Rotter declared.
"Oh now wouldn't that be a yum? Nope try again." The burger eating man said.
"Shaky bakey!" Herhinny shouted and the door opened.
The common room was deserted. Everyone had disappeared. They looked around under the tables and chairs, but no, no sign of their Grayfender classmates.
"Where'd dey go?" Weasil asked looking inside his shirt.
"I dunno." Responded Rotter, turning out his pockets.
Usually the all knowing Herhinny would have some brilliant quip of her own to add, but she was silent. The two boys looked at her. She was standing as if petrified in the middle of the room. Her finger pointing to a dark corner. Weasil and Rotter went to where she was standing and squinted their eyes. Yes, there was a dark misty figure trying to hide in the black draperies.
"You come out now!" Herhinny squeaked.
There was deep laughter as the man dressed entirely in black draperies stepped into the firelight.
"Serious Flack!" Rotter spat taking a step back.
"Yes Rotter, it is I, Serious Flack, eater of bunny ears and . . . other things."
"Aflac?" Weasil questioned.
"NO, F-L-A-C-K, Flack." Flack said, gesturing to his black drapery robes and indicating thus he looked nothing like a duck.
"Ooh I taught yer were an insurance salesgoose." Weasil said nodding like he had it now.
"Duck." Herhinney whispered to him.
"Cluck?" Weasil asked all confused.
"Duck. Like in quack, quack, not chicken." Rotter offered.
"Huh, but he said . . . "
"DUCK!" Everyone shouted and Weasil ducked looking up to see what might have tried to hit him. When he saw nothing and the others staring at him like he was a moron, he straightened up.
"Oh."
"As I was saying," Flack said moving closer, "I am your godfather Rotter, really, I've come to take you home."
"Dunt ya believe em' Sully, he's jus sayin dat." Weasil said finally getting the hang of what was going on.
"Rotter, blood is thicker than water you know, you should listen to me." Flack said.
"So what?" Interrupted herhinny,
"Yeah," Weasil jumped in, "custard is thicker den blood so are desserts more important den family?"
Everyone stood there, mouthing Weasil's words as if confused.
"Only if you're related to the Sand People." Flack said looking at Weasil.
"Uh . . . " Weasil found himself lost for words for a change.
"You're a few clowns short of a circus, eh there Weasil?" Flack said and then turned to Sully. "So Rotter, we need to be on our way. You have lived in this dream world too long. There is a lot of reality out there and you need to experience some of it." Flack motioned to Sully to come with him.
"And why should I go with him?" Sully asked Weasil.
"Uh, cuz ya can leadie a horsie ta water but ya can't make it gather any mossie?"
"Right." Sully said and turned to Flack. "First tell me where all me classmates have gone to."
Flack let a slow smile cross his face. He took his right hand from behind his back and held up a long willow wand.
"Brilliant!" Herhinny muttered watching small sparks shoot like mini fireworks from the tip of the wand.
"Yes, I did." Flack said, reading their minds.
"Diddie wot?" Weasil asked.
"I made them all disappear with one flick of my wand."
"Ooh brill." Whispered Herhinny in awe.
"So what's that supposed to prove?" Sully asked. "What difference if they were all here than not?"
"Really Sully, they are all behind the drapes, I was only kidding." And with a flick of the wand the drapes pulled back as if by magic, and there frozen against the stone walls of the old fortress were 100 Grayfender students.
"Oh my gravy," Herhinny whispered impressed, "can you teach me to do that?"
"Lets not get off the reason I'm here little lady," Flack half laughed but it was without mirth. "Rotter, let's go, before Stumbledoor does anymore damage to what's left of your brain, we need to plunge into reality and by the look of it, soon. You don't want to end up like your friend there, Weasil, now do you? It's perfectly obvious the lad got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking."
Weasil looked up as if he would understand that last statement by divine guidance but it wasn't coming.
"I dunno," Sully said hesitating, "I . . . I . . . I . . . don't know if I can face reality."
"Ah and for sure ya can," Flack said catching himself, he let his real accent come through and the three Grayfender student's heads turned in unison, as they looked at him more closely.
"Ah ha! You're an Irishman in disguise!" Declared Herhinny.
"I taught yer looked miliar." Weasil stated looking like he was smart or near to it.
"You're . . . you're . . . you're . . . not Serious Flack, you're Who he Used to Be! Sir Boldamount, AKA Marsib O'Dolnut!"
"Tsk, the old Gaelic name comes back to haunt me," sighed Flack or O'Dolnut. "All right, you're right! So what? I took advantage of a close resemblance to Flack and besides I sucked the energy out of him and stepped in as him if you get me drift. The only thing that's really changed besides me looks is now proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. I admit, I am a prime example of THAT, but not so much as Weasil who is a prime candidate for natural deselection."
O'Dolnut raised his wand in Weasil's direction.
"WAIT!" Shouted Herhinny. "Weasil drank from the fountain of knowledge, but he only gargled. We can fix that."
"Just a shorty minute, yer never talkin bout me like dat." Weasil said feeling indignant and sort of knowing the reason why. "I refusi ta be ah experimentie in artificial stupidity.
There was silence.
Rotter turned to Herhinny and said, "He isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but that kinda made sense."
Herhinny whispered back, "It's moments like these when you know the wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead, sort of."
O'Dolnut had successfully taken the focus off himself and onto the slowly simmering Weasil, but it was Herhinny who realised it.
"YOU," she whipped out her birch wood wand and pointed it at O'Dolnut, "are about to be magicked."
To everyones surprise, O'Dolnut laughed at her. Then he got serious and raised his wand back at her.
"Ut oh, we got a stalematie of da wandies," Weasil said scratching his head. He did the next best thing, he pulled out his bent up blackthorn wand and tried to point it at O'Dolnut, but it kept pointing back at himself. He flipped it back, but it slowly bent back at him. He stood as if the wand was pointing the other way like he had control, but everyone knew it was all show, the wand controlled him. Meanwhile, Sully stood there stupefied at all the wand pointing.
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
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