18 December 2004
102
R. Linda:
Every year me sainted Mam buys a Christmas present for a young lad who has no family. The orphanage is a place me Mam volunteers her time. She has for the past five years got a gift for this one particular lad she is fond of. The lad is now of the age of 17.
This year she asked him what he'd like for Christmas and he said, as typical teenagers would -- a picture of Angelina Jolie that has her decked out in a fluffy turtleneck sweater. Now, R. Linda, this put me Mam back a wee bit. She is not a prude by any chance of the imagination, but well she feels a bit old to be goin' to the poster store and asking for a print of some sexy young actress. But this be the lad's last Christmas before he is set on his own, so she decides to comply.
Let me tell you she bolstered her courage, and took herself to the shop with another lady friend of hers, thinking to buy the requested framed poster for the deprived laddie. Well, when she got inside she saw it right where he said it would be, above the counter. Oh lordy me, but it is one sexy picture and me Mam is startled. What to do? Well, she tells her friend she be too old for this sort of thing and the two of them agree (grey heads together in quiet "what shall we do" conversation), and finding no way to ask for the print with any decorum in fact, they decide among them, me father can do it.
Oh, I can just see his face. There he would be his head hiding behind a newspaper after having a hearty evening meal, and me Mam be cleaning up the dishes and such, and nonchalantly she asks him if he would mind going to the poster shop after his work the next day. Me Da being the sort he is, gives this no thought and grunts in the affirmative.
She tells him in a matter-of-fact voice what he needs to pick up.
"She's wearing a bulky black turtleneck and she has her hands around the collar like she be cold," says me Mam, thinking with the amount of clothing Ms Jolie had on, well damn she'd be cold too.
No movement behind the paper, but another grunt.
"It's right above the counter when you walk in," says she.
Now he is thinking how does she know this if she wasn't there? Me Da being the smart man he is, I can see him letting one side of the paper drop so he and see over it. By this time me Mam is hurrying the dishes so she can run out of the room before the jig be up. Only he is too quick for her and asks if she knows all this, then she must have been in the shop so why didn't she pick it up when she was there?
I can see her biting her lip in consternation, as she thoughtlessly begins scrubbing pans with much vigour, nervous energy taking her over.
"Violet didn't have time and there was a line. We had to leave."
Yes, me Mam can lie like a rug when she has to. She be a quick thinker as well and let me tell you I have sat at that very kitchen table while discussions fire back and forth, me in the middle almost ducking for cover at times so quickly do they fire conversational missiles across the table.
Me da shrugged and said he wouldn't be over that way until the end of the week. Me Mam was hoping the print was still there, but knowing how much the lad wants it she is thinking ahead.
Opportunity presented itself because an hour later me cousin Aine arrived to pick up a basket of wool for me Aunt Sile. Me Mam pounced and asked Aine to pick up the Angelina print. Only Aine's seen the print and her eyes got very large in her head.
"Auntie, I'd love to but they'd think I was a lesbian if I asked for THAT picture. I'd do anything for you, you know that don't you? But that is not a good thing."
Me Mam is full of misery now because me Da has overheard that explanation and is curious.
"Just what be this picture?" He pops his head in the door, still holding the half-read newspaper.
Well now, me Mam is all in a fluster so me cousin Aine explains that Mrs. Jolie is scantily clad and well ya know it just isn't right for a girl her age (19), "To be askin' fer such thing as that Uncle."
Me Da can see me Mam does not like the way things are going and for sure, he being a brave sort pats her on her back and reassures her he will pick up the offending print.
Meanwhile, I be hearing about this from me Da and wondering what the orphanage will think when they see Mrs. Jolie hanging above the lad's bed with nearly a stitch on.
Well, the end of the week comes and me Da goes off to the poster shop and he walks in like he always walks in places -- with a swagger of confidence he naturally exudes. Up to the counter, he goes and begorrah me he is the very next customer and up he looks over the sales clerk's head and staring down at him in provocative expression is the nearly nude Angelina.
Ah ha! Too late to turn around because he is in the sales clerk's sights.
The clerk is quick, he asks right away how he can serve me Da, and of course, it be too late now, oh yes, much too late because the rest of the customers had turned round. It was something in the sales clerk's voice that made them look. I think that something was not a sale about to be made, but an exceptionally fine print was about to be sold and hark! So me Da stammers a wee bit and points to the print and the sales clerk looks up and smiles leeringly and nods as if in agreement, and there is me Da feeling like a right dirty old man.
"Your cuppa tea is she sir?" Says the ever-appreciated and obvious fan of Ms. Jolie, the sales clerk (taking the portrait down and holding it on the counter at eye level for me Da).
Me Da is never speechless for long, so in true male fashion he scrutinizes the print and as the rest of the men in the store lean over his shoulder in great appreciation of the pose by Ms. Jolie, me Da, never one to be bested looks at the clerk and says in a loud booming voice, "Do ye have one with less clothing on?"
I wish I had been there, I'd be laughing so hard I'd be on the floor.
Well, you have to know they didn't, but the men all appreciated me Da a lot more than when he first walked in. There were slaps on his back and "good man" being thrown around the store. The clerk of course had no such other print, and so me Da made a great effort to reach back and pull out his wallet like if he had to take THIS print, well by God, he'd just have to do it. Begorrah me, it be a dirty job and someone has to be brave!
And so, he took it home and me Mam was shining smiles. She wrapped it quicker than a jackrabbit could leap down a hole with a fox close after. There she had it wrapped and put not under the tree, but in a closet where no one would ask her what it was.
So if you ever think your family is weird, you just need to read this to know your family members are a lot saner than Yours Truly.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Every year me sainted Mam buys a Christmas present for a young lad who has no family. The orphanage is a place me Mam volunteers her time. She has for the past five years got a gift for this one particular lad she is fond of. The lad is now of the age of 17.
This year she asked him what he'd like for Christmas and he said, as typical teenagers would -- a picture of Angelina Jolie that has her decked out in a fluffy turtleneck sweater. Now, R. Linda, this put me Mam back a wee bit. She is not a prude by any chance of the imagination, but well she feels a bit old to be goin' to the poster store and asking for a print of some sexy young actress. But this be the lad's last Christmas before he is set on his own, so she decides to comply.
Let me tell you she bolstered her courage, and took herself to the shop with another lady friend of hers, thinking to buy the requested framed poster for the deprived laddie. Well, when she got inside she saw it right where he said it would be, above the counter. Oh lordy me, but it is one sexy picture and me Mam is startled. What to do? Well, she tells her friend she be too old for this sort of thing and the two of them agree (grey heads together in quiet "what shall we do" conversation), and finding no way to ask for the print with any decorum in fact, they decide among them, me father can do it.
Oh, I can just see his face. There he would be his head hiding behind a newspaper after having a hearty evening meal, and me Mam be cleaning up the dishes and such, and nonchalantly she asks him if he would mind going to the poster shop after his work the next day. Me Da being the sort he is, gives this no thought and grunts in the affirmative.
She tells him in a matter-of-fact voice what he needs to pick up.
"She's wearing a bulky black turtleneck and she has her hands around the collar like she be cold," says me Mam, thinking with the amount of clothing Ms Jolie had on, well damn she'd be cold too.
No movement behind the paper, but another grunt.
"It's right above the counter when you walk in," says she.
Now he is thinking how does she know this if she wasn't there? Me Da being the smart man he is, I can see him letting one side of the paper drop so he and see over it. By this time me Mam is hurrying the dishes so she can run out of the room before the jig be up. Only he is too quick for her and asks if she knows all this, then she must have been in the shop so why didn't she pick it up when she was there?
I can see her biting her lip in consternation, as she thoughtlessly begins scrubbing pans with much vigour, nervous energy taking her over.
"Violet didn't have time and there was a line. We had to leave."
Yes, me Mam can lie like a rug when she has to. She be a quick thinker as well and let me tell you I have sat at that very kitchen table while discussions fire back and forth, me in the middle almost ducking for cover at times so quickly do they fire conversational missiles across the table.
Me da shrugged and said he wouldn't be over that way until the end of the week. Me Mam was hoping the print was still there, but knowing how much the lad wants it she is thinking ahead.
Opportunity presented itself because an hour later me cousin Aine arrived to pick up a basket of wool for me Aunt Sile. Me Mam pounced and asked Aine to pick up the Angelina print. Only Aine's seen the print and her eyes got very large in her head.
"Auntie, I'd love to but they'd think I was a lesbian if I asked for THAT picture. I'd do anything for you, you know that don't you? But that is not a good thing."
Me Mam is full of misery now because me Da has overheard that explanation and is curious.
"Just what be this picture?" He pops his head in the door, still holding the half-read newspaper.
Well now, me Mam is all in a fluster so me cousin Aine explains that Mrs. Jolie is scantily clad and well ya know it just isn't right for a girl her age (19), "To be askin' fer such thing as that Uncle."
Me Da can see me Mam does not like the way things are going and for sure, he being a brave sort pats her on her back and reassures her he will pick up the offending print.
Meanwhile, I be hearing about this from me Da and wondering what the orphanage will think when they see Mrs. Jolie hanging above the lad's bed with nearly a stitch on.
Well, the end of the week comes and me Da goes off to the poster shop and he walks in like he always walks in places -- with a swagger of confidence he naturally exudes. Up to the counter, he goes and begorrah me he is the very next customer and up he looks over the sales clerk's head and staring down at him in provocative expression is the nearly nude Angelina.
Ah ha! Too late to turn around because he is in the sales clerk's sights.
The clerk is quick, he asks right away how he can serve me Da, and of course, it be too late now, oh yes, much too late because the rest of the customers had turned round. It was something in the sales clerk's voice that made them look. I think that something was not a sale about to be made, but an exceptionally fine print was about to be sold and hark! So me Da stammers a wee bit and points to the print and the sales clerk looks up and smiles leeringly and nods as if in agreement, and there is me Da feeling like a right dirty old man.
"Your cuppa tea is she sir?" Says the ever-appreciated and obvious fan of Ms. Jolie, the sales clerk (taking the portrait down and holding it on the counter at eye level for me Da).
Me Da is never speechless for long, so in true male fashion he scrutinizes the print and as the rest of the men in the store lean over his shoulder in great appreciation of the pose by Ms. Jolie, me Da, never one to be bested looks at the clerk and says in a loud booming voice, "Do ye have one with less clothing on?"
I wish I had been there, I'd be laughing so hard I'd be on the floor.
Well, you have to know they didn't, but the men all appreciated me Da a lot more than when he first walked in. There were slaps on his back and "good man" being thrown around the store. The clerk of course had no such other print, and so me Da made a great effort to reach back and pull out his wallet like if he had to take THIS print, well by God, he'd just have to do it. Begorrah me, it be a dirty job and someone has to be brave!
And so, he took it home and me Mam was shining smiles. She wrapped it quicker than a jackrabbit could leap down a hole with a fox close after. There she had it wrapped and put not under the tree, but in a closet where no one would ask her what it was.
So if you ever think your family is weird, you just need to read this to know your family members are a lot saner than Yours Truly.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
No comments:
Post a Comment