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R. Linda:
Me neighbour on me right has asked me if I would mind his English Setter while he went off to attend an uncle's funeral. He was in dire need of a sitter, since the kennel he usually sends her to was full, and the friend who would normally look after her (if kennel was unavailable), was in hospital recuperating from appendicitis.
What could I say? Being the person I be, I told him I would be more than happy to. Ok that's a lie, after the Pee cat I wasn't looking forward to anymore animals in me life, but his circumstances warranted me sympathy.
This past Saturday I went next door and his 'wife' answered, letting me in and there was the dog at the door as well, as part of the meet and greet committee. I bent down to pat her on the head and she showed her teeth with a growl. I moved me hand away and looked at the wife.
"Oh she's being the watchdog, as soon as you've been here a few minutes she'll be your best friend," HE assured me.
Henry the owner, came from the recesses of a simply lovely place. It was all wicker furniture, flowers, SUNLIGHT, and pastels. Yes R. Linda, I was in a home where the sun was allowed to stream in unabated! I was nearly overcome with joyful tears, I was.
Henry led me back of the place and begorrah me, he had a double deck out back. The second level had a beautiful outdoor seatee, chairs and individual tables, and the lower one had a stainless steel night barbecue that had a side burner, night light, and two upper racks and a drawer for roasting! Damn I was impressed. There was a glass-topped table with six chairs and a shading umbrella. Of course, everywhere were planters and poppets of colourful flowers and the view was of the Golden Gate Bridge, simply exquisite. I was transported to a tropical paradise, I tell you.
We sat down on the upper deck with Lady (that be the doggy's name), sitting in-between Henry and the wife, Andre (Andre, which is Henry in French), looking the well behaved pampered pet I might add. Henry and Andre regaled me with stories of Lady's exploits and how they came to buy her, etc., etc., etc. No need to bore you with particulars. Suffice it to say, Lady was a dog school educated purebred, who these two people loved like a child.
I was shown back into the house so I could see where the food was kept, the treats, the doggie toys, the whole of it. Lady's claws made click clack sounds on the well polished floors as we walked from one well appointed and SUNNY room to the next. I got a tour of the place and to say I was jealous is putting it mildly. I could see I was going to spend a week in this place as much as possible. I could sleep, shower and change at the Kremlin, but eat and hang out with me new pal Lady (who had, as Andre predicted, warmed up to yours truly enough I could pet her as she sat between us).
The next day, I was getting me morning paper when me two neighbours waved to me as they headed to a cab for the airport. They had fed the dog so was no need for me to go over, yet I could not wait. I got meself dressed, poured meself a mug of coffee, grabbed me newspaper and off to next door to sit in the sunshine on one of the decks, luxuriating with me new pal Lady.
I put the key in the door and immediately Lady was on watch. I could hear her barking up a storm, the claws scrapping the door and finally I got it open, only to be beset upon by me new friend. She had a hold of me jean leg and was moving me on one leg across the hall, me trying not to drop me paper and spill me coffee. All the while I be shouting, "Lady! Lady! Lady! Heel! Godamn it heel you stupid thing!"
She was growling and pulling and I was trying to hit her with me newspaper to get her to stop and finally gave her a good whap on the snout and she looked up at me stunned. Then her eyes narrowed and I knew she did not like the whap and so thinking fast, I put down me coffee and ran to the kitchen -- the dog racing behind me. I knew she'd get me again but I thought doggie treat, kitchen, go Gabriel, now! I had slid in around the breakfast nook at breakneck speed, and as I slid she leaped in the air and got me on the seat of me pants, narrowly piercing me buttocks with her sharp teeth.
It isn't easy trying to pry open a canister of doggie treats with a 40 lb. dog who has her jaws clamped to your arse, but I did it. As soon as the canister top popped, she let go at hearing the familiar sound of dog candy coming. I was panting and she wasn't She turned a Dr. Jeykell and Mr. Hyde on me in a blink of an eye. Suddenly she was the cute little setter of yesterday all bouncing around waiting for the treat. I wanted to stuff it down her doggy throat at that moment for the welcoming she had given me. I dropped the treat because there was no way I was going to chance getting me hand bit off, and reached around to find she had torn the bottom of me new jeans out.
I stuffed a bunch of treats in me shirt pocket for easy access if I needed to fend her off. I got her on the deck and went back for me coffee, me new hiney flap flapping as I walked. I had left the door open a crack and put the telly on, and was listening to the weather in the kitchen. In the world of dog there is no privacy for such human necessities and in she came, forcing the sliding door open wider with her head and paw, me not expecting company. I tell you I had a devil of a time getting her out. Lady decided this was a great game and the more I shouted and pointed to the door, the more she'd get down on her front legs and bark, her hind end in the air, tail wagging. The bark in so confined a place was deafening.
Finally, I took me newspaper to her and she backed out. I put the paper on the sink and hit me head to clear the ringing in me ears, when she came in like a flash and grabbed the paper in her teeth and ran towards the living room. I was resigned to let her have it, however, when I came out the entire living room was a mess of wee bits of me newspaper. She was growling and playing and bounding just out of reach as she shredded every bit of it.
I ended up doing housecleaning which was not something I had envisioned in this paradise I was so set upon enjoying.
I had an appointment at six to interview a local yokel for a piece in the newspaper. I left Lady at 4:30 to go shower and change. I reckoned I'd feed her before I left. Big mistake. Neither of the Henry's had told me she is a finicky eater. They did tell me she won't eat unless you stand there while she does. Now I be accustomed to dogs that wolf down their food and within seconds you are clear to go. I naturally assumed this would be the case with Lady. NO.
I poured the kibbles in, broke up the wet dog food into small bite size pieces as Henry had instructed. I gave her fresh water, set the whole of it in her special doggy tray that holds the two bowls so they don't accidentally get pawed upside down and stood back. She sniffed the dog food and looked back up at me, two tail wags and she sat down staring at me, waiting. I was like what? What did I forget? I read the instructions, looked at the tray and no, I did as Henry had instructed. I took the last doggy treat from me breast pocket and threw it in the food dish. This she set upon instantly and I thought, what a dumbarse I was because I had fed her treats all day to keep her friendly. She wasn't hungry.
I left for me appointment thinking she would have eaten everything by the time I got back for her evening walk. She hadn't. I dumped the food, gave her more fresh water, took her for her walk and then went home to the Kremlin for the night. I had dreams, bad dreams of Lady chasing me down the streets of San Fran, me arse sticking naked out of me torn jeans, me jean legs flapping in the breeze in shreds. It was horrible I tell you, horrible. I woke up in a muck sweat several times still hearing the imaginary barking in me ears. Not since the Pee cat terrorised me nights had I felt this shaky.
And I have a week of this.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Me neighbour on me right has asked me if I would mind his English Setter while he went off to attend an uncle's funeral. He was in dire need of a sitter, since the kennel he usually sends her to was full, and the friend who would normally look after her (if kennel was unavailable), was in hospital recuperating from appendicitis.
What could I say? Being the person I be, I told him I would be more than happy to. Ok that's a lie, after the Pee cat I wasn't looking forward to anymore animals in me life, but his circumstances warranted me sympathy.
This past Saturday I went next door and his 'wife' answered, letting me in and there was the dog at the door as well, as part of the meet and greet committee. I bent down to pat her on the head and she showed her teeth with a growl. I moved me hand away and looked at the wife.
"Oh she's being the watchdog, as soon as you've been here a few minutes she'll be your best friend," HE assured me.
Henry the owner, came from the recesses of a simply lovely place. It was all wicker furniture, flowers, SUNLIGHT, and pastels. Yes R. Linda, I was in a home where the sun was allowed to stream in unabated! I was nearly overcome with joyful tears, I was.
Henry led me back of the place and begorrah me, he had a double deck out back. The second level had a beautiful outdoor seatee, chairs and individual tables, and the lower one had a stainless steel night barbecue that had a side burner, night light, and two upper racks and a drawer for roasting! Damn I was impressed. There was a glass-topped table with six chairs and a shading umbrella. Of course, everywhere were planters and poppets of colourful flowers and the view was of the Golden Gate Bridge, simply exquisite. I was transported to a tropical paradise, I tell you.
We sat down on the upper deck with Lady (that be the doggy's name), sitting in-between Henry and the wife, Andre (Andre, which is Henry in French), looking the well behaved pampered pet I might add. Henry and Andre regaled me with stories of Lady's exploits and how they came to buy her, etc., etc., etc. No need to bore you with particulars. Suffice it to say, Lady was a dog school educated purebred, who these two people loved like a child.
I was shown back into the house so I could see where the food was kept, the treats, the doggie toys, the whole of it. Lady's claws made click clack sounds on the well polished floors as we walked from one well appointed and SUNNY room to the next. I got a tour of the place and to say I was jealous is putting it mildly. I could see I was going to spend a week in this place as much as possible. I could sleep, shower and change at the Kremlin, but eat and hang out with me new pal Lady (who had, as Andre predicted, warmed up to yours truly enough I could pet her as she sat between us).
The next day, I was getting me morning paper when me two neighbours waved to me as they headed to a cab for the airport. They had fed the dog so was no need for me to go over, yet I could not wait. I got meself dressed, poured meself a mug of coffee, grabbed me newspaper and off to next door to sit in the sunshine on one of the decks, luxuriating with me new pal Lady.
I put the key in the door and immediately Lady was on watch. I could hear her barking up a storm, the claws scrapping the door and finally I got it open, only to be beset upon by me new friend. She had a hold of me jean leg and was moving me on one leg across the hall, me trying not to drop me paper and spill me coffee. All the while I be shouting, "Lady! Lady! Lady! Heel! Godamn it heel you stupid thing!"
She was growling and pulling and I was trying to hit her with me newspaper to get her to stop and finally gave her a good whap on the snout and she looked up at me stunned. Then her eyes narrowed and I knew she did not like the whap and so thinking fast, I put down me coffee and ran to the kitchen -- the dog racing behind me. I knew she'd get me again but I thought doggie treat, kitchen, go Gabriel, now! I had slid in around the breakfast nook at breakneck speed, and as I slid she leaped in the air and got me on the seat of me pants, narrowly piercing me buttocks with her sharp teeth.
It isn't easy trying to pry open a canister of doggie treats with a 40 lb. dog who has her jaws clamped to your arse, but I did it. As soon as the canister top popped, she let go at hearing the familiar sound of dog candy coming. I was panting and she wasn't She turned a Dr. Jeykell and Mr. Hyde on me in a blink of an eye. Suddenly she was the cute little setter of yesterday all bouncing around waiting for the treat. I wanted to stuff it down her doggy throat at that moment for the welcoming she had given me. I dropped the treat because there was no way I was going to chance getting me hand bit off, and reached around to find she had torn the bottom of me new jeans out.
I stuffed a bunch of treats in me shirt pocket for easy access if I needed to fend her off. I got her on the deck and went back for me coffee, me new hiney flap flapping as I walked. I had left the door open a crack and put the telly on, and was listening to the weather in the kitchen. In the world of dog there is no privacy for such human necessities and in she came, forcing the sliding door open wider with her head and paw, me not expecting company. I tell you I had a devil of a time getting her out. Lady decided this was a great game and the more I shouted and pointed to the door, the more she'd get down on her front legs and bark, her hind end in the air, tail wagging. The bark in so confined a place was deafening.
Finally, I took me newspaper to her and she backed out. I put the paper on the sink and hit me head to clear the ringing in me ears, when she came in like a flash and grabbed the paper in her teeth and ran towards the living room. I was resigned to let her have it, however, when I came out the entire living room was a mess of wee bits of me newspaper. She was growling and playing and bounding just out of reach as she shredded every bit of it.
I ended up doing housecleaning which was not something I had envisioned in this paradise I was so set upon enjoying.
I had an appointment at six to interview a local yokel for a piece in the newspaper. I left Lady at 4:30 to go shower and change. I reckoned I'd feed her before I left. Big mistake. Neither of the Henry's had told me she is a finicky eater. They did tell me she won't eat unless you stand there while she does. Now I be accustomed to dogs that wolf down their food and within seconds you are clear to go. I naturally assumed this would be the case with Lady. NO.
I poured the kibbles in, broke up the wet dog food into small bite size pieces as Henry had instructed. I gave her fresh water, set the whole of it in her special doggy tray that holds the two bowls so they don't accidentally get pawed upside down and stood back. She sniffed the dog food and looked back up at me, two tail wags and she sat down staring at me, waiting. I was like what? What did I forget? I read the instructions, looked at the tray and no, I did as Henry had instructed. I took the last doggy treat from me breast pocket and threw it in the food dish. This she set upon instantly and I thought, what a dumbarse I was because I had fed her treats all day to keep her friendly. She wasn't hungry.
I left for me appointment thinking she would have eaten everything by the time I got back for her evening walk. She hadn't. I dumped the food, gave her more fresh water, took her for her walk and then went home to the Kremlin for the night. I had dreams, bad dreams of Lady chasing me down the streets of San Fran, me arse sticking naked out of me torn jeans, me jean legs flapping in the breeze in shreds. It was horrible I tell you, horrible. I woke up in a muck sweat several times still hearing the imaginary barking in me ears. Not since the Pee cat terrorised me nights had I felt this shaky.
And I have a week of this.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
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