Me Family

22, August, 2002

Story #3

R. Linda:

Me sister was born on 22 August, like yourself. She would like to think she's a Leo, but in reality, she's a Virgo. I was never one for "signs" and such, but my sister (who isn't a Linda but a Sheila) says people who are not believers in astrology are thick-headed and deprive themselves of inner wisdom. OK

She tells me Virgos can be vague and mysterious. I think the mysterious part is true, but not the vague. She's unequivocal and exact in her speech and actions, and Leo-like in the take control attitude. So much so, at the tender age of 12, I wanted to join the RAF and return when I was 19 -- to miss her teen years. She is three years older than yours truly, and as a teenager, she was like your daughters -- impatient.

She made me life a living hell because she wasn't allowed to date until she was 17. She made me her lookout, her spy, and I told enough lies for Satan to give me an A in lying for doing it well, just to keep her arse out of trouble with me Da. I don't remember if I had any friends between the ages of 12 and 14 because I spent most of my waking life as her agent in dating crime.

Until one day when she got caught. That was the first time my wannabe Leo sister became a vague Virgo. When our Ma confronted her that she was not at choir practice as she was supposed to be, but at the launderette (it had candy machines, me life of chocolate began there) with Donal Dolan -- the town catch, AND it became "wait until your Da gets home time." It seems Mrs. O'Connor (our nosey Parker neighbour and no relation to me Mam's family -- she was an O'Connor) had seen the two of them and could not wait to tell me, Mam. Well, sissy's look changed from shock to vague in a flash. I had never seen her look so, so, so . . . VAGUE! Looking like her brains were non-existent, she looked at Mam and said, "Was that his name?"

Mam was taken aback and not expecting a question. She was expecting an indignant denial. I had the misfortune of having been with the two miscreants and the greater misfortune of standing next to me sissy when the accusation was put into the air. She slyly elbowed me as our Mam readjusted to the situation, and I knew Sis expected me to come up with something clever to get her out of trouble. And I did, well, at least I thought so.

I told Mam we were on our way to the church when this Dolan person came upon us and said he was unsure how to do his sick Mam's laundry. Sheila, being a girl who would know all about soapsuds and such, suggested we go to the launderette to render our invaluable assistance BECAUSE we didn't want this Dolan person to get into trouble by ruining his Mam's undies. (I shouldn't have said undies, but it popped out, and of course, I had to explain why this Dolan person was washing his Mam's under things). With a deep sigh, digging me hands deeper in the pockets of me corduroys and shifting in me boots, I said (before she could shout WHAT?) that a neighbour's dog got loose and tore them off the washing line and muddied them. Hence, the Dolan person thought he'd do a good turn and wash them back up white for her, her being sick and all. Uh-huh.

Well, I got a good whipping from me Da at 6 that night and no dinner. A grounding of two months for lying me arse off, and me sainted sissy got grounded for 1 month with no phone privileges because she didn't lie to her mother and make up one of the worse and stupidest stories me 'not born yesterday' Mam had ever heard in her sainted life. So I know all about people born on 22 August.

I would like to say life as a lookout was over on that memorable occasion, but alas, it went on because me three years older, wannabe Leo sister, who is really a Virgo, made me lie on many more occasions until she was of the age of 17 and finally able to openly date the Dolan person, who became her Capricorn husband a year later.

I had to take flight from Ireland because to stay there, I was subject to the many stories me sister now enjoys telling me parents that I got her out of trouble by lying to them. It would be a matter of time before they started looking at me with their eyes all narrow, their lips working, and then the outburst would come. I told Sheila to hush and let them think their only son a wonderment (my word), but no, she delights in letting them know how much she and the Dolan person got away with thanks to yours truly!

I can never go back there now without a priest collar to show I have atoned for me sins and fabrications (that were quite convincing, I might add, or so they were as Sheila got away with everything short of murder, thanks in large part to ME having the gift of blarney). :(

Gabe

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