25 March, 2018

The Chunky's Experience

25 March 2018
901

R. Linda:

In her best Irish me Mam said to me (as I walked into the kitchen for me first cup of joe of the day), "I be waried I cont find me passpit."

"Why, are ye goin' somewhere?" I asked hunting for a clean coffee cup.

"Noo, jus wanna noe where I left it. Bethor ta noe den not."

Silently I poured me a cup and took a sip savouring the caffeine warming me insides and turning on me brain.

"I be sure it will turn oop."

"I cont tink where I left it." She said in consternation.

"Are ye tryin' ta scare me tinken' again?" I japed.

"Stoop dat!"

Well, I did pretty quickly almost spitting out me coffee because I hadn't seen the newspaper floating in the air until from behind it, an all too familiar voice read out, "Oh tsk, it says here Melania Trump struggles to shout in curve hugging skirt. Why I never. Was her husband trying hold her hand or something she was shouting for help?"

I walked behind her squinting me eyes and it read, 'Melania Trump steals show in curve hugging skirt.' Oh boy here we go again, Dragon and her bad eyesight.

"Oh my would you lookie here, it says, 'Woman discovers hidden camera inside can of tuna!"

"No, no no. It says, 'Woman discovers hidden creature inside can of tuna.'"

"Well, that's worse!"

Me Mam whispered to me as she left the room, "Dis be all yer fault fur tetchin' her to read."

I  turned me attention to the Dragon who was looking over her half glasses (yes, she wears reading glasses but obviously for effect and not much else).

"Here, that's not even today's paper." I handed the morning paper to her and she took a look at the headlines.

"Oh my goodness, it says "US comforts Putin over spy gate."

I took a look.

"No, it says US CONFRONTS Putin over spy gate."

I stood looking at her and shaking me head.

"You need to see your eye doctor, obviously the cataract operation didn't work."

"I brought you a cake but he ate it in the taxi." She said to me because usually she always brings some gushy goodie when she visits and wanted to change the subject.

"Who ate the cake?" There was no one in the kitchen but us.

"Him." She said pointing to a strange man sitting in me living room.

"WHO BE DAT?" I shouted almost jumping out of me skin, coffee sloshing everywhere. I hadn't seen the man sitting in me living room, such be me foggy self before a cup of joe.

"The cab driver. I was short cash (can you believe it?) so I gave him the cake while he waited outside but then you didn't get up so I invited him in until you did get up from your beauty sleep. Pay him $20 if you would Gabriel. I was short that."

Yes, I could believe it. I stood there incredulous, and I don't know why I was, because this sort of thing happens when the Dragon lady visits.

I went into the living room and paid the man $20 from the cookie jar and he said nothing, put a finger to his cap and left.

"Sooo," I said returning to the kitchen, "how much did the cake cost? Just wonderin'."

"Ohhh," she said squinting her eyes like the brain power was just not kicking in quick enough, "it was twenty."

"So I just gave him the price of the cake you gave him, and he ate, so he's made not only $20 off me, but he enjoyed a $20 cake that I won't."

"Hum, yes, I suppose he did."

"Do you not see sumthin' wrong wit dat picture?" I asked.

"No."

THIS was too much at the break of dawn to be face to newspaper with the Dragon lady. I had no idea she was coming to visit. I know she flies in on her broomstick to surprise the hell out of me (and never in a pleasant way), but usually I have some clue she be about to descend upon me abode to wreak havoc. THIS would not do. I had to do something to get out of the house. I had no work it was Saturday, the kiddos had wanted to go to the movies and Tonya had promised they would so why not today?

I silently slipped out of the kitchen as Dragon went on talking to me like I was there to find Tonya. I said to her that I may not get another Saturday off in a while so if we wanted to take the kiddos to a matinee this was the day to do it. She of course informed me her mother was visiting (I didn't let on I had just encountered the Dragon) and I made a display of being disappointed we couldn't make the kiddos dreams come true in regard to a family outing to a movie. Tonya suspected what me fakery was about and said, "Ok we can go today, let me tell my mother and she can come with us. By the way who is she talking to out there?"

I shrugged feigning innocence when it hit me what she just said.

NOOO!!! That wasn't me plan, me plan was to leave her mother with my mother. That's always an interesting time for both of them, and the plan was NOT to tell me Mam she was the official hostess of the Dragon Lady party of one. So quickly, knowing full well I couldn't get rid of the Dragon that easily (but a dark movie theatre might work out) I went to me Mam and asked her if she'd like to go with us because then SHE could sit with the Dragon and I wouldn't have to. And as usual she said no thanks, she was going to an art gallery showing with Ben. That gave me pause, she and especially Ben are not art gallery types, so really? I realised she was ahead of me, knowing quite well I was about to pull a fast on her, so she made plans and those plans might be something she could care less about, but at least she wouldn't be near the Dragon.

So it was we set off for the movies. Now a note here, I have not been to a movie theatre in maybe 7 or more years. I mean why should I? I have Vudu, Hulu, Netflix, etc., so for me to physically go sit in a cramped theatre inhaling popcorn well, I can do that in me own home in me own comfy chair. It is Tonya who takes the kiddos to the cartoon movies, so this time I asked if it could be a movie with real people in it and the kiddos were all about seeing Black Panther (all except the littlest one who was all about Coco). Well, it was an animated argy between all three kiddos but Panther it was.

"We are going to Chunky's." Tonya said patting me arm. "That should make it a better experience for you."

"Chunky's? Or Chuck E Cheese? What?" I was confused.

"Chunky's, its a movie theatre that has reclining car seats, and they serve food throughout the movie. We'll get lunch there and have ice cream sundaes for dessert."

I stood there in amazement. Such a thing exists? And I didn't know about this? Food, lunch, ice cream sundaes? Really? Count me in! I figured with her mouth full the Dragon would be mostly silent and I'd actually enjoy the show for a change.

Off we went to a mostly empty parking lot outside the theatre. Tonya had called ahead for tickets so we were through that part of the experience quicker than usual. We were told to go to Theatre 2 and sit wherever we liked. The theatre was semi-dark there was something on the big screen but I was not paying attention, I was floored by the large tables and comfy chairs. There weren't too many people there so that was a plus. We sat to the left side of the screen and right away wait staff was there to take our orders. The menu was huge, I was totally thinking it was going to be a muffin-top afternoon. I ordered the nachos, chicken fingers, onion rings, soft pretzels, and a stout. Yuppers I was all set. The theatre darkened and the movie began.

I reclined me Lincoln Continental car seat and wished for a footrest, but the movie was so interesting I soon forgot about that. Food arrived soon after and the feasting began. The food was descent and that surprised me, because it was a movie theatre after all, but really? It was dark trying to find the nacho filling but I managed. The stout was the best I ever tasted and was a Chunky's brand of all things. I was enjoying it all when Dragon pipes up with this gem:

"These people are all black except for the Hobbit."

Uh yup. The woman must live under a rock to not know what the Black Panther craze is about. And she being black, you would think she'd be all about the flick. But no, she was confused by the women in the movie being forceful and heard. She was saying she couldn't tell the men actors apart because they all looked the same. Gees Louise! What be wrong with her?

I swallowed a portion of soft pretzel and whispered, "Tone it down, I will explain all this after the movie is ended."

She did for the most part, but for the exception of the "token white man, why do they need a white dude? This picture has merit on its own without that white guy and all I see is a serious hobbit."

Oi!!!

The fact that I have not been to a movie theatre in years be telling as it is. I be one of those lazy Irishmen who would rather sit back in his own comfy chair watching whatever I wanted with pause button in hand if I wanted to go fix meself something to eat or get a drink. The times have changed that's for sure, someone was smart enough to know that people like me don't go to the movies for that reason, so they made it now so I can go to a movie and have just about everything (but the pause button) where I don't have to prepare me own food, I can be served and sit back to enjoy the theatre experience. I be spoiled now.

As for Dragon, who tells us SHE be the token black woman in the family (her words not mine), she was more inclined to want to know where that black empowered movie came from. It said Marvel Comics all over the place, but she won't believe it originated from a comic. How insulting she said. It must have something to do with Malcolm X! WHAT?

She has not stopped talking about the movie since she saw it. I have explained from the best of me knowledge what I know about the film and that it be the top grosser and everyone loves it. She has taken it a step further about how it's about people from a country within a country and did I think it was Uganda or Rwanda that Wakanda. I was saved by the middle child, Guido, who be up on everything comic book.

I left them with his little voice piping up about the Me Too movement, women empowerment, black equality, etc., and off I went to disappear in the hopes me 8 year old could tell his grandmother what she was missing or just not getting.

I mercifully got called into work (the graveyard shift) and as I was gathering me things for the trek to Boston, in comes Dragon with a broom (you don't know how hard it was for me not to take a picture!) and she pounds it on the floor and says, "Wakanda forever!"

Behind her was Guido with a mop handle, he too pounded the handle on the floor and said "Wankanda forever!"

I couldn't get away from them fast enough. They followed me around as I gathered up me things spouting "Wakanda forever!" and banging the handles on the floor. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, so I conjured a line that stuck with me, "If you weren't so stubborn you would make a great queen," I said to Dragon, who said back, "I'd make a great queen because I am so stubborn." Wow, she DID retain what that movie was about or maybe that was Guido's doing, I simply don't know which.  I was out the door with Wakanda forever bouncing off me brain cells and thankfully forgot about it all until the next morning. I had got up early to get me cup of joe dragon and Wakanda free, and thought meself pretty smart until this:

Tonya had been Panthered to near death after I left,  this be how she greeted me with a cup of Panther joe and a "Wakanda forever!"
Yup at least one of us has a sense of humour.

Gabe
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5 comments:

  1. I think there is a lioness under that panther mask by the look of the mane. I have been to a Chunky's and it is the only way to view a flick. Your mother in law is still a piece of work, it sounds like she and Guido were having a good time but she can't seem to not rattle your cage on purpose. Enjoyed the read!

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  2. i have never been to a chunky. sounds interesting. i heard the movie is good i have not seen it yet and i'm happy there were no spoilers.

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  3. I'm not a theater person. I need my pause button. I have Netflix, cuz I, xfinity and all the good stuff. There are some of those theaters here . And I'm pretty sure that's a made up country for the movie. Have dragon Google it to see what she finds. LMAO

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