Aliens In The Woods

29 October 2016

Story #832

R. Linda:

It started out innocently enough, until the weather turned from the low 60s and sunny to pouring down cold rain in the 30s, accompanied by fierce winds and sleet. I shouldn't blame this on the weather, no, I should not, but if I don't, I will have to blame it on the Weasil and well... me, grey-haired, apple-cheeked old Mam.

It all started the night before the great deluge. Yes, I had taken me night blind Mam to a historical, or as she says, hysterical society meeting earlier in the evening. I had gone home and stopped at the store for eggs so we'd have them for breakfast the following day. And maybe that's when it all started. I, unlike me wife and Mam, don't look to see if the eggs I buy are cracked, I just pick up a carton, pay and go home. Well, after the drop off of me olwan, I stopped, got petrol for the car and the eggs at the convenience store, and home I went.

On the way, I was replaying in me head a conversation I had with Mam on the way to the meeting. She told me it was about the possibility that aliens, not Native Americans, were the first to set foot on this country's soil. There's a lot of that going on of late, what with the crazy presidential election, and well, I was half listening as I think it's all nonsense.

"I can see ye aren't buying in, well Gobriel, dat's wot I taught too, so dat be why I be a goon to da meet ta see wot be wot. I will sort it oout ye con be sure, I'll wade me way true da tick and tin of it."

"Next ting you know, Mam, all our food dat lucks weird will be because it be from aliens." And I laughed, but she did not. I shook me head in memory.

I went to put the eggs in the fridge, but they wouldn't fit. The top wasn't closed all the way, and I had attributed this (at the store) to many a woman looking before purchase to see if they were cracked. Well, imagine me surprise when I saw the problem wasn't that at all, BUT the size of the eggs. But then there was the colour too!

What the heck? 

And I be missing 3 EGGS!

Me quip about alien food groups came back to me as I stood looking at the strange mix of eggs. I was flummoxed, I was. But being me, I shrugged me shoulders and put the strange mix in the fridge and closed the door, out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, not so fast, I heard something tumble over after I jammed the eggs on the top shelf. I opened it back up, and the two bricks of cheddar cheese had been nearly crushed to the back where the fridge light was. I went to unjam them to put them on top of the egg carton when I jammed me finger instead really hard and to add insult to injury, cut it on the freaking alien egg carton. Instead of moving the eggs out of the way, I got me fingers in the back of the carton and was trying to reach the second block of cheese. I pushed too hard, and this is the result.

Yup

Not only did I jam and cut it, but I bruised the bone. Me wife, who be trained in CPR, bandaged the damaged digit and, to "make it fun" (oh right Tonya), she put a Crime Scene band-aid on it. The kiddos laughed, at least, even if I failed to see the humour in it.

Feeling maligned by me own self, I felt the need to console meself with some chocolate. Now I didn't tell you this, but a friend of mine had been to Hershey, Pennsylvania and brought me back a chocolate bunny that I had hidden, so when the munchies came, I could indulge. Well, imagine me surprise when I saw THIS:

Do you see this? Who would do such a thing?

THIS is what I do every Easter to the boyo's bunnies. But who did this to mine? I thought instantly of O'Hare, but he did not look like he'd had chocolate. He gets a dopey smile on his face when he's chocolate-covered. It had to be Mam, but she'd tell me it was aliens. Anyway, I was disturbed, I was.

I went to pick her up, and I couldn't get a word in to ask her about the rabbit ears. No, she was busy telling me about Machu Picchu and the Nazca Plains, and all sorts of other South American places where there were pictographs of aliens, supposedly proving they exist. Oh boy. I listened to her ramble on until we reached our driveway, and she grabbed me, making me stop the motor. 

"Luck, luck wot waz dat?" She pointed out the windscreen.

I looked but could see nothing; then, suddenly, a swift movement caught me attention to me right. I couldn't make it out.

"Oh Gobriel, it be aliens fur sure it be!" She said, all scared.

Normally, I would have laughed me fool head off, but her fright was contagious, and the prior conversation was deadly serious on her part; this all gave me the willies. 

I saw something — I didn't know what, but she saw an alien.

"I taught I seen some long-legged creetour (creature) wit... an elongated head." She said in a whisper, staring out the window.

Well, this totally creeped me out, I put the motor in gear and drove slowly to the house as she looked out the windows for the 'creetour' she believed was haunting our woods. Me sanity came to me halfway down the drive, so I jammed on the brakes and pointed in the thickest part of the wood and said, "OMG! Did ye see dat dere?"

As you might think, this really upset her, and I started laughing, which got me a good slap on me arm from the flustered alien believer. I had no clue what we saw; it was large enough to be a man, I'll say that, probably a moose for all I know, but she's convinced otherwise.

That night, it rained, and it rained but good. The pond, which had almost dried up, had filled, and the shades of fog rolled in as the rain continued all day and into the next. It was amazing; we are in a drought, and the ground could only absorb so much water before it started to pond and puddle. 

I was told I bought free-range chicken eggs that some of the locals raise and sell at the convenience store, so that mystery was solved, or was it really? Mam looked at me with big eyes when Tonya spouted that gem off, as if to say, yeah sure.

When the bridge where the pond flows into a stream flooded, I could not get out to buy supplies we dearly needed. We did not expect to be flooded in, but we were rescued. Oh yes, we were by the resident alien who seems never to be on his own planet but inhabits mine. Yup, me phoney baloney (as HE refers to me cell) rang while I was out looking over the flooded bridge. Me Mam answered and as the space station floated overhead, she talked to the alien and he told her he could fly in with supplies in his spacecraft, no problem. 

There I was, out shovelling water, thinking that if I could shovel enough, I'd be able to float me motor out of the driveway to get food. This hurt me sore finger mightily, I might add. I was sure I'd get arthritis later in life for the shovelling, only to be poo-pooed by the wife over it. Anyway, there I was, taking a break, leaning on a shovel, when this came splashing down me driveway, almost hitting me.

Just what I needed

Yuppers, the alien had landed. Weasil has no fear of deep water, high winds, driving in dense fog, blizzards, hail or tornadoes. Nope, that's because he's from outer space somewhere, and if he can avoid asteroids, Earth's weather will hardly be a deterrent. SIGH.

The mystery of the eggs was solved, and eventually, the mystery of the bunny ears was too. Seems to me that me Mam did what I do to everyone else's bunny ears to teach me a lesson; she finally admitted to that. The thing in the woods, Weasil told me what THAT was, and even provided me with a picture as proof. BUT... we are talking Weasil here, so with a grain of salt, believe his "proof positive" or not.

Weas did save me from shovelling water that just came rolling back in any way. He had a boot full of groceries and would, as always, take no payment if I let him stay the night (which I did). Actually, several nights, and as always, he was the hero for saving us and solving the mystery of what was out in the woods. We now put on our hunter orange to venture outside or, now that the water has all but disappeared, drive like a bat out of hell out of the driveway. Our Scottish MacGyver discovered this and took a photo of it at night when he went out to "hunt" the alien. 

According to Weasil, we have a bear hunting for us

Believe what you will, we hear shuffling and heavy sounds in the woods at night, especially in the sandy culvert by the bridge. If Weasil is to be believed, this big guy is hunting humans who Weasil thinks the bear thinks are aliens.

Thanks, Mam for this!

Gabe

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