30 December 2010
346
R. Linda:
Now I have me a friend who lives in South Africa on the coast and he told me when he first moved there that the whales would come in close to the land and what awesome creatures they are. Just recently a mutual friend told me he was out and about on the water in search of the whales. This got me thinking of a video that went viral earlier this year of a couple in their lovely boat (off the Capetown coast), who had the unfortunate catastrophe of a whale smashing the lovely boat to smithereens with them in it.
Here is a video you can watch of the event: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qmyoMYNwN4
I be throwing this one in which gives us a look at the aftermath up close, but more importantly, it be the goose footage at the end that be more like what I am used to. Do take a look at that, it is better than the whale in me opinion. Go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ATof6Dw_V0&feature=channel
Well now, all this whale business got me interested in why a whale would do such a thing and here I was in fear for me friend's life I be. So, I got me the book Moby Dick and started reading. Well, R. Linda, I was enjoying the character Ismael's acquaintance with a cannibal and getting into the story of which I found meself a wee bit amused when suddenly the story disappeared into the deep like the white whale. I found I was reading a textbook on all the different varieties of whales there are in the world. I was like what just happened to me story? Where'd it go? Well, deciding this might be important I went online and looked up ALL the whales therein listed. Just looking at them in photographs made me uneasy. These creatures are awesome big and powerful and the author (Melville) likens them to the demons of the sea. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, I went back to the book and was subject to a Shakespearean play and prose that completely threw me off into a rather gay, but depressing party on board ship, that made little to no sense in the structure of the story. It was as if three different persons had taken their turn at writing this volume. One was Melville on a narrative story, the second was some textbook/encyclopedia scribe, and the third was someone trying their hand at Shakespearean writing. Talk about confusing the reader, here I was rambling to meself as the book rambled around to various subjects and me, feeling very definitely the twain would never meet up. SIGH.
This is a disaster of a book (yes, I be calling it that because today it would never have been published). The editors would have told Melville to go back and either write a textbook on whales or incorporate the necessities of whaling into his story, not this crazy stuff that will blow the mind of anyone intent on a whale of a story! As I say, this played upon me mind so much I went to bed and what did I dream of? Well, let me relate it to you.
There I was in a lovely boat named the Chocolate Whale, I don't know why that name, just go with me here. The sun was making the sea all sparkly like in the video and there I was stretched out on the deck enjoying a Mojito and a plate of tacos, when suddenly someone I knew but didn't know (it was a dream after all) shouted, "THAR SHE BLOWS!" And I jumped up, took off me sunglasses and stared out at this huge spout of water threading its way through the blue/green sea. As it came closer it was massive and silent. It did not break the surface of the water but was a foot below it. It was bigger than the boat it was. A whale, a really big whale!
"Well, are ya goin' to catch it?" Me Da said looking down at me from where he had climbed up the mast and with legs curled around the masthead was watching the whale. How me father got there I didn't know, but at the time it seemed perfectly natural.
I did not hesitate as I rotated the small dinghy down into the water. I jumped in on my lonesome and with harpoon in hand, I somehow rowed that sucker after that huge animal. It is an animal, isn't it? Anyway, I was rowing like a man on fire I was, or as you would more poetically say, a man with a rocket up his arse, and as I got up to it, it was stopped and lazying in the water. I got me harpoon up and as I went to stand up to get a good balance to throw the thing, I got meself wrapped up in the rope. I was whispering, "Don't move Moby, I've got ya." But it seemed the whale heard me because it lifted its massive head up and made some noise that almost sent me over backwards, well, no almost about it, I fell backwards. As the harpoon lifted off I lost me grip and the rope further bound itself around me legs now and I was encased in hemp like it was a large snake come to squeeze the life from me. Actually, it turned out in me dream it WAS a large snake and I hate snakes! This set me into a panic before I realised the harpoon had actually hit its mark unintentionally, and the whale gave another great noise, reared more than a third of its hefty self up out of the water, and started to sound as they call it, rocking me little dinghy and me further entwined with the snake. In other words, it started to dive and there I was, being pulled after it like Jonah.
As the whale dove deeper, the snake started to expand like an elastic band, but in the process of keeping the boat afloat, it was tightening its grip around me and I found in me struggle to get free of it, I had fallen under the seat of the dinghy and so I was totally tied to the boat. If the boat went under so would I. Oi! I was hoping the snake would snap and that would be that, but it didn't. It just got longer like me nose for telling this story. Anyway, I could feel the boat starting to sink as the water came rushing over me. I looked up to see me Da in another boat with a bunch of people I'd never seen before, hauling arse to save me. He was telling me to hold on and I was, I was holding on to the snake and when I realised what me hands were wrapped around I let go and found meself pulled under the seat nearest to the bow! The water there was more violent because the front tip of the boat was being dragged under the water and I was getting a snootful.
With a slow intensity, I was soon completely under and as the dinghy was submerged it slowed down as if in slow motion. I could see hundreds of yards in front of me the whale with the harpoon sticking out its back taking me for a very wet ride. It was strange because that was the time I should have been frightened. I was about to drown, but no, I was enjoying the scenery. Until the snake started to talk. Then I was rigid as a pole and me eyes were bugging out of me fool head as it said to me, "So how you liken' this?"
Well, I wasn't "liken'" it all that much. If Mr. Snake wasn't along for the ride I might not have been so petrified in me dream and maybe, just maybe, I would have had the presence of mind to get meself untangled and out of the wake of the whale. But not likely, who am I kidding?
Next thing I know, me sainted little Mam is swimming alongside me dinghy and asking me if now would be a good time for a cup of tea. I started to shout NO at her when suddenly the whale picked up speed and me, dinghy with snake attached, took off a merry mile. It did not phase me at the time, that as a human I couldn't be underwater that long and live. But it did phase the snake who decided it was time to tell me that. "You know Gabriel, you should be dead by now, you can't breathe underwater, YOU are not a snake nor a fish!"
It then started to uncoil itself to throw me to the sharks and out of the dinghy. Yes, it had commandeered the dinghy and was leaving me to the predators of the sea who came out of nowhere and were clapping their hungry jaws at me. With one good heave, I was pushed out of the dinghy and I gently floated away as the dinghy, snake and whale disappeared into the distance. However, me situation was more precarious and I soon stopped looking in that direction and froze like water in an ice tray. I was being nudged by the man-eaters. Yes, the cannibals of the sea were poking fun at me, they were telling each other I was not fat enough, "He hasn't had too many doughnuts ya kin tell," said one, "Avast maties, he's not worth it, he can't even order the doughnuts he wants at Dunk's, that's how poor a specimen he is," another laughed.
I was very put off by this, I started to protest when suddenly they flipped their tails at me, the equivalent of getting the finger by a shark, and swam off. There I was floating in the sea, rising ever so slowly to the surface, me brain boiling at the insult of not being good enough for sharks, and up I popped into the warm air. And who was there to greet me, YOU!
I was like HUH? You were lounging on me boat, the lovely thing I left for a snake ride with a whale. You were eating my tacos and drinking me Mojito to add more insult to me already injured ego. You looked down at me, and I noticed you didn't offer me a hand up, no, instead with a drink in hand, taco in mouth, you leaned over the side and said, "Hey taco boy, you ever need a break from the OCD kidlet, send him to me. Hahaha. Sounds like a real sweetheart that kid, with his mouth, he'll fit right in. Oh! And Gabe, you don't need no damn Bumpus hounds, YOU'VE got kids! Hahahaha! Your household is funnier than a movie, hahaha."
Yup.
I tried to ignore the fact that once again, someone was eating me food, just like the mince pie and cookies, those tacos were rapidly disappearing. I tried to lift me exhausted self up the side of the boat thinking you'd take pity on me and help drag my sorry arse in. But no, you said like it was an afterthought, "Oh yeah Gabe, I'm telling you my dad must look really good, or I look like crap! Every day of every week these two Jehovah's witnesses come looking for him and ask if he's my husband." You sighed in memory. "They know he speaks Spanish and have trapped him out on the front porch in conversation. It's been two months and they come every day looking for him. I lie and say he's not here, even when he is and when he's away for real, I tell them he'll be out for HOURS, hahaha."
"And the point to this is?" I asked slipping one leg on the deck and trying with every last ounce of strength to haul the rest of me up to the same level.
"I wish I had the guts to tell them we are pagans or believe in the Earth Mother. If I did, they'd try to convert me though. Not a good idea I guess. But if I looked good I'd tell them I'm a practicing pagan nudist, hahaha!"
"Ok I get it, no help from you, you just chat away while I turn into a prune."
You laughed at that, it wasn't funny to me, but to you it was. Just as I got meself on the deck and was ready to collapse in exhaustion you leaned over and said, "Send Lois! Send Lois to keep the door knockers away and send Guido for pickup, hahaha! Oh and Gabe, these tacos taste like fish and I hate fish tacos."
I was squinting up at you thinking those tacos were not fish, when you handed me one from my place of lying flat out on the sun-drenched deck. I was marvelling I was out of the water and happily looking for a bite of taco fish or not when I started to bring it to me piehole and saw eyes under the lettuce. A familiar voice said, "So Gabe, you eat snake now?"
I jumped up and as I did, your foot came out and you kicked me back in the drink! The fright woke me up. It was terrible I tell you, YOU feeding poor deflated me snake tacos and drinking the last of the Mojitos, and then kicking me off me own boat! No hahahaha about it Ms. R. Linda, NO HAHAHAHA from this guy. I am done with Melville's crazy book, I be done with tacos, and did I ever tell you that fish tastes like snake to me? Well, it does and I be so done!
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
30 December 2010
R. Linda:
Now I have me a friend who lives in South Africa on the coast and he told me when he first moved there that the whales would come in close to the land and what awesome creatures they are. Just recently a mutual friend told me he was out and about on the water in search of the whales. This got me thinking of a video that went viral earlier this year of a couple in their lovely boat (off the Capetown coast), who had the unfortunate catastrophe of a whale smashing the lovely boat to smithereens with them in it.
Here is a video you can watch of the event: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qmyoMYNwN4
I be throwing this one in which gives us a look at the aftermath up close, but more importantly, it be the goose footage at the end that be more like what I am used to. Do take a look at that, it is better than the whale in me opinion. Go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ATof6Dw_V0&feature=channel
Well now, all this whale business got me interested in why a whale would do such a thing and here I was in fear for me friend's life I be. So, I got me the book Moby Dick and started reading. Well, R. Linda, I was enjoying the character Ismael's acquaintance with a cannibal and getting into the story of which I found meself a wee bit amused when suddenly the story disappeared into the deep like the white whale. I found I was reading a textbook on all the different varieties of whales there are in the world. I was like what just happened to me story? Where'd it go? Well, deciding this might be important I went online and looked up ALL the whales therein listed. Just looking at them in photographs made me uneasy. These creatures are awesome big and powerful and the author (Melville) likens them to the demons of the sea. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, I went back to the book and was subject to a Shakespearean play and prose that completely threw me off into a rather gay, but depressing party on board ship, that made little to no sense in the structure of the story. It was as if three different persons had taken their turn at writing this volume. One was Melville on a narrative story, the second was some textbook/encyclopedia scribe, and the third was someone trying their hand at Shakespearean writing. Talk about confusing the reader, here I was rambling to meself as the book rambled around to various subjects and me, feeling very definitely the twain would never meet up. SIGH.
This is a disaster of a book (yes, I be calling it that because today it would never have been published). The editors would have told Melville to go back and either write a textbook on whales or incorporate the necessities of whaling into his story, not this crazy stuff that will blow the mind of anyone intent on a whale of a story! As I say, this played upon me mind so much I went to bed and what did I dream of? Well, let me relate it to you.
There I was in a lovely boat named the Chocolate Whale, I don't know why that name, just go with me here. The sun was making the sea all sparkly like in the video and there I was stretched out on the deck enjoying a Mojito and a plate of tacos, when suddenly someone I knew but didn't know (it was a dream after all) shouted, "THAR SHE BLOWS!" And I jumped up, took off me sunglasses and stared out at this huge spout of water threading its way through the blue/green sea. As it came closer it was massive and silent. It did not break the surface of the water but was a foot below it. It was bigger than the boat it was. A whale, a really big whale!
"Well, are ya goin' to catch it?" Me Da said looking down at me from where he had climbed up the mast and with legs curled around the masthead was watching the whale. How me father got there I didn't know, but at the time it seemed perfectly natural.
I did not hesitate as I rotated the small dinghy down into the water. I jumped in on my lonesome and with harpoon in hand, I somehow rowed that sucker after that huge animal. It is an animal, isn't it? Anyway, I was rowing like a man on fire I was, or as you would more poetically say, a man with a rocket up his arse, and as I got up to it, it was stopped and lazying in the water. I got me harpoon up and as I went to stand up to get a good balance to throw the thing, I got meself wrapped up in the rope. I was whispering, "Don't move Moby, I've got ya." But it seemed the whale heard me because it lifted its massive head up and made some noise that almost sent me over backwards, well, no almost about it, I fell backwards. As the harpoon lifted off I lost me grip and the rope further bound itself around me legs now and I was encased in hemp like it was a large snake come to squeeze the life from me. Actually, it turned out in me dream it WAS a large snake and I hate snakes! This set me into a panic before I realised the harpoon had actually hit its mark unintentionally, and the whale gave another great noise, reared more than a third of its hefty self up out of the water, and started to sound as they call it, rocking me little dinghy and me further entwined with the snake. In other words, it started to dive and there I was, being pulled after it like Jonah.
As the whale dove deeper, the snake started to expand like an elastic band, but in the process of keeping the boat afloat, it was tightening its grip around me and I found in me struggle to get free of it, I had fallen under the seat of the dinghy and so I was totally tied to the boat. If the boat went under so would I. Oi! I was hoping the snake would snap and that would be that, but it didn't. It just got longer like me nose for telling this story. Anyway, I could feel the boat starting to sink as the water came rushing over me. I looked up to see me Da in another boat with a bunch of people I'd never seen before, hauling arse to save me. He was telling me to hold on and I was, I was holding on to the snake and when I realised what me hands were wrapped around I let go and found meself pulled under the seat nearest to the bow! The water there was more violent because the front tip of the boat was being dragged under the water and I was getting a snootful.
With a slow intensity, I was soon completely under and as the dinghy was submerged it slowed down as if in slow motion. I could see hundreds of yards in front of me the whale with the harpoon sticking out its back taking me for a very wet ride. It was strange because that was the time I should have been frightened. I was about to drown, but no, I was enjoying the scenery. Until the snake started to talk. Then I was rigid as a pole and me eyes were bugging out of me fool head as it said to me, "So how you liken' this?"
Well, I wasn't "liken'" it all that much. If Mr. Snake wasn't along for the ride I might not have been so petrified in me dream and maybe, just maybe, I would have had the presence of mind to get meself untangled and out of the wake of the whale. But not likely, who am I kidding?
Next thing I know, me sainted little Mam is swimming alongside me dinghy and asking me if now would be a good time for a cup of tea. I started to shout NO at her when suddenly the whale picked up speed and me, dinghy with snake attached, took off a merry mile. It did not phase me at the time, that as a human I couldn't be underwater that long and live. But it did phase the snake who decided it was time to tell me that. "You know Gabriel, you should be dead by now, you can't breathe underwater, YOU are not a snake nor a fish!"
It then started to uncoil itself to throw me to the sharks and out of the dinghy. Yes, it had commandeered the dinghy and was leaving me to the predators of the sea who came out of nowhere and were clapping their hungry jaws at me. With one good heave, I was pushed out of the dinghy and I gently floated away as the dinghy, snake and whale disappeared into the distance. However, me situation was more precarious and I soon stopped looking in that direction and froze like water in an ice tray. I was being nudged by the man-eaters. Yes, the cannibals of the sea were poking fun at me, they were telling each other I was not fat enough, "He hasn't had too many doughnuts ya kin tell," said one, "Avast maties, he's not worth it, he can't even order the doughnuts he wants at Dunk's, that's how poor a specimen he is," another laughed.
I was very put off by this, I started to protest when suddenly they flipped their tails at me, the equivalent of getting the finger by a shark, and swam off. There I was floating in the sea, rising ever so slowly to the surface, me brain boiling at the insult of not being good enough for sharks, and up I popped into the warm air. And who was there to greet me, YOU!
I was like HUH? You were lounging on me boat, the lovely thing I left for a snake ride with a whale. You were eating my tacos and drinking me Mojito to add more insult to me already injured ego. You looked down at me, and I noticed you didn't offer me a hand up, no, instead with a drink in hand, taco in mouth, you leaned over the side and said, "Hey taco boy, you ever need a break from the OCD kidlet, send him to me. Hahaha. Sounds like a real sweetheart that kid, with his mouth, he'll fit right in. Oh! And Gabe, you don't need no damn Bumpus hounds, YOU'VE got kids! Hahahaha! Your household is funnier than a movie, hahaha."
Yup.
I tried to ignore the fact that once again, someone was eating me food, just like the mince pie and cookies, those tacos were rapidly disappearing. I tried to lift me exhausted self up the side of the boat thinking you'd take pity on me and help drag my sorry arse in. But no, you said like it was an afterthought, "Oh yeah Gabe, I'm telling you my dad must look really good, or I look like crap! Every day of every week these two Jehovah's witnesses come looking for him and ask if he's my husband." You sighed in memory. "They know he speaks Spanish and have trapped him out on the front porch in conversation. It's been two months and they come every day looking for him. I lie and say he's not here, even when he is and when he's away for real, I tell them he'll be out for HOURS, hahaha."
"And the point to this is?" I asked slipping one leg on the deck and trying with every last ounce of strength to haul the rest of me up to the same level.
"I wish I had the guts to tell them we are pagans or believe in the Earth Mother. If I did, they'd try to convert me though. Not a good idea I guess. But if I looked good I'd tell them I'm a practicing pagan nudist, hahaha!"
"Ok I get it, no help from you, you just chat away while I turn into a prune."
You laughed at that, it wasn't funny to me, but to you it was. Just as I got meself on the deck and was ready to collapse in exhaustion you leaned over and said, "Send Lois! Send Lois to keep the door knockers away and send Guido for pickup, hahaha! Oh and Gabe, these tacos taste like fish and I hate fish tacos."
I was squinting up at you thinking those tacos were not fish, when you handed me one from my place of lying flat out on the sun-drenched deck. I was marvelling I was out of the water and happily looking for a bite of taco fish or not when I started to bring it to me piehole and saw eyes under the lettuce. A familiar voice said, "So Gabe, you eat snake now?"
I jumped up and as I did, your foot came out and you kicked me back in the drink! The fright woke me up. It was terrible I tell you, YOU feeding poor deflated me snake tacos and drinking the last of the Mojitos, and then kicking me off me own boat! No hahahaha about it Ms. R. Linda, NO HAHAHAHA from this guy. I am done with Melville's crazy book, I be done with tacos, and did I ever tell you that fish tastes like snake to me? Well, it does and I be so done!
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
Never Invite People To Dinner When You Are Really, Really Tired
347
R. Linda:
Well, coming over tonight is a couple I haven't seen in years. Not my idea either. Earlier in the month after work in Boston, I met Tonya for some Christmas shopping and a dinner together that me parents insisted upon. We were told we never get out, and they'd love the quality time with the boyos, so go on make a night of it. Well, we are not the ones to protest, so after we finished the shopping we went to an Irish pub we both liked and had a noisy but delicious dinner.
At the end of dinner a couple I worked with at the old newspaper, and had not seen in many years, stopped by upon recognising me accent. Oi!
"Gabe we just knew it was YOU." The wife gushed. "How long has it been?"
I knew how long it had been and so did Tonya. When we first were married, these two invited us to their home for dinner. I don't particularly like HER but her husband is a good Joe (excuse the pun). She wanted to see who I married and both Tonya and I knew this at the time. I was not for alleviating her curiosity because I didn't care, but Tonya was all about getting a rise over "Mrs. Whitey's reaction when she sees I'm not as white as the rest of ya. Hahahah!" Yup. So to please the new wife, I accepted the nosey invite reluctantly. Had nothing to do with Tonya, had everything to do with Carly (the wife) who I could not stand, and really I knew it would be a night of twenty questions and knowing Tonya as I do, I knew those questions would be answered with zingers to top it all off. Oi, oi, oi!
Anyway, we went. There was some catty conversation going on and I noticed that poor Carly was having a time of keeping her eyes open. It seemed she had planned the dinner without thinking where she would be the day before, which was, on a red-eye flight home from Los Angeles. So that day, it was too late to cancel and she went ahead with dinner, but she was paying quite the price. Her blinking was so infectious we were all doing it.
Shortly after the main course, Carly took herself out to the kitchen to make coffee and bring in dessert. We sat there for thirty minutes making small talk when finally Joe got up to find out what was keeping his wife. He came back all embarrassed to tell us she had fallen asleep!
Well, we left. There was nothing for it but to leave! We laughed our arses off all the way home. Who does that? Well, me uncle did that. I do remember me parents getting quite embarrassed when they were invited to a couple's home for dinner and were asked to bring her brother the doctor, and his wife. Well, they did. But her brother the doctor had had a hard delivery the night before that went into the day. He just made it through dinner. He got up at dessert and coffee to use the loo, but he never came back. They found him curled up in the couple's bed hard and fast asleep. Talk about embarrassed, me Mam certainly was. She didn't let uncle forget he fell asleep in someone else's house and bed! Anyway, the next morning we got a sheepish call from Carly apologising. I thought she'd never show her face to us again, but I was wrong.
We've invited them to dinner, yes we did, reluctantly but still we extended the invite. Tonya does tell me she plans to keep her eyes open and hopes Carly returns the favour. Hum, should be a boring evening.
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Well, coming over tonight is a couple I haven't seen in years. Not my idea either. Earlier in the month after work in Boston, I met Tonya for some Christmas shopping and a dinner together that me parents insisted upon. We were told we never get out, and they'd love the quality time with the boyos, so go on make a night of it. Well, we are not the ones to protest, so after we finished the shopping we went to an Irish pub we both liked and had a noisy but delicious dinner.
At the end of dinner a couple I worked with at the old newspaper, and had not seen in many years, stopped by upon recognising me accent. Oi!
"Gabe we just knew it was YOU." The wife gushed. "How long has it been?"
I knew how long it had been and so did Tonya. When we first were married, these two invited us to their home for dinner. I don't particularly like HER but her husband is a good Joe (excuse the pun). She wanted to see who I married and both Tonya and I knew this at the time. I was not for alleviating her curiosity because I didn't care, but Tonya was all about getting a rise over "Mrs. Whitey's reaction when she sees I'm not as white as the rest of ya. Hahahah!" Yup. So to please the new wife, I accepted the nosey invite reluctantly. Had nothing to do with Tonya, had everything to do with Carly (the wife) who I could not stand, and really I knew it would be a night of twenty questions and knowing Tonya as I do, I knew those questions would be answered with zingers to top it all off. Oi, oi, oi!
Anyway, we went. There was some catty conversation going on and I noticed that poor Carly was having a time of keeping her eyes open. It seemed she had planned the dinner without thinking where she would be the day before, which was, on a red-eye flight home from Los Angeles. So that day, it was too late to cancel and she went ahead with dinner, but she was paying quite the price. Her blinking was so infectious we were all doing it.
Shortly after the main course, Carly took herself out to the kitchen to make coffee and bring in dessert. We sat there for thirty minutes making small talk when finally Joe got up to find out what was keeping his wife. He came back all embarrassed to tell us she had fallen asleep!
Well, we left. There was nothing for it but to leave! We laughed our arses off all the way home. Who does that? Well, me uncle did that. I do remember me parents getting quite embarrassed when they were invited to a couple's home for dinner and were asked to bring her brother the doctor, and his wife. Well, they did. But her brother the doctor had had a hard delivery the night before that went into the day. He just made it through dinner. He got up at dessert and coffee to use the loo, but he never came back. They found him curled up in the couple's bed hard and fast asleep. Talk about embarrassed, me Mam certainly was. She didn't let uncle forget he fell asleep in someone else's house and bed! Anyway, the next morning we got a sheepish call from Carly apologising. I thought she'd never show her face to us again, but I was wrong.
We've invited them to dinner, yes we did, reluctantly but still we extended the invite. Tonya does tell me she plans to keep her eyes open and hopes Carly returns the favour. Hum, should be a boring evening.
Gabe
Copyright © 2010 All rights reserved
