The Linda Letters by Gabriel O'Sullivan: Controlled insanity

12 April 2023

1095

R. Linda:

I have been enjoying watching the three feet of snow we received melt. I have not been enjoying what is showing as the snow dissipates, and there are lots of tree branches all over the place. It is times like this, I wish I had a postage-stamp property instead of acres of it. So, we all know what I will be doing once the snow is gone. Sigh.

This morning, the house generator was supposed to come on as it does every Monday morning to test itself, but it didn't come on. It coughed four times and sputtered, and that was it. I guess now I have to have that serviced, or worse, replaced. I hope we don't lose power while it is still cold. It's just another thing for Gabe to worry over.

To add to me angst, the Dragon Lady flew in on her broom for a "short visit." That means she may be here for the remainder of the year that just started. Yes, indeed just in time for mud season. She has hearing aids she does not use and glasses that decorate a table in the spare bedroom. Why we have these helpful devices and don't use them is beyond me comprehension. I guess it's more fun to annoy the rest of us with the constant question, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" shouted at us every time one of us opened our cakehole, and "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" making us have to point at something so she can go over and look at whatever it is with three inches distance from the object to her eyes. Ugh!

Sunday afternoon, I was sitting with the kiddos watching a basketball game, and there we were happily munching on gummy bears when in drifts the Dragon, and she said to me, "I heard you ask O'Hare to pass you the gummy beers. Are you crazy letting your boys eat beer-flavoured candy?"

I mouthed the words gummy beers and realised she meant BEARS.

"Stuff like this bunches me shorts!" I said to her. I held the package so she could read what we were snacking on. She made a show of squinting her eyes.

"Before you give me back chat," I said, "and make a shindy out of nothing much . . ." That's as far as I got, she went huffing off. I know I should control my temper better, but after all these years, I'd think she'd come to some kind of understanding that yours truly be short on patience! Especially when the problem can be remedied.

One night, Rue Paul's drag show was on, and someone (I won't mention names like Dragon) left the telly on while she was in the kitchen harassing Mam; when I went to her to ask if she wanted to watch the drag queen show (for want of other words because I don't know the name of it). She turned at me rather harshly and said, "Drug queen?" I simply turned on me heel and went in and turned the set off. I wasn't about to engage.

I could hear Mam questioning her, "Droogs? Dare be sich a show be dare?"

But here's the clincher. For the past few nights, we all were in the den watching the news. When the weather came on, the Dragon did something odd, she got up, crouching towards the telly squinting her eyes like she was trying to focus on something on the screen. After the fourth time of this, me Mam (who be outspoken to begin with), says to her, "Wot rr ye doin' dare?"

Of course, the Dragon thinks Mam be speaking in a foreign language because she doesn't always get the Irish accent inflecions and abbreviations of the spoken English words. She whirled around and shouted, "WHAT?"

"Calm yerself," Mam said, pointing at the telly screen. Then, very slowly and pronouncing every word in the best Irish American accent she could, she continued, "What be it YOU are looking to find on dat screen?"

"Oh!" Dragon said more to the air than me Mam. Turning on her heel, she went to the kitchen for Windex and a paper towel. She came back and waited for the big weather screen to come back on and then rushed forward spraying Windex and rubbing the screen. I saw where she was rubbing, and it was the tiny island of Bermuda! Yes, R. Linda, the woman had lost it. I wondered instantly what about Bermuda she didn't like that she'd try to rub it out. She had lost what was left of her marbles, I thought, and I was sure everyone else felt the same way.

"Damn spot won't come out," she said, sounding like Lady Macbeth. "I just can't get that one to clear up. And then there is this other one." And she went higher on the screen, rubbing at another island.

"Those are not spots. Those are islands on the weather map," I said, getting up and taking the Windex away before she ruined the screen. I tell ya the woman be a piece of work she be!

Here, take a look at this:

See the spot, which is Sable Island off the coast of Nova Scotia? Island or spot?

See the "spots" north and south in the Atlantic? Uh-huh. At first, she thought they were flies, but when they didn't move, she decided they were spots!