07 April, 2015

A way to save your sanity sometimes makes you lose it

07 April 2015

R. Linda:

You remember the story of the missing fav jacket (see The Story of the jacket gone missing - 23 November 2008), well I reversed the angst to the person who deserved it after she has got rid of a lot of me fav old and comfy clothes on the sly.

As you know the Dragon lady be still with us and as you also know, she drives me to distraction and after distraction I drink . . . a lot. When that happens she usually gets the upper hand on me so I promised meself I wouldn't let her get to me. I have found a myriad of things to keep me out of her sight and occupied elsewhere and occupied so well I forget she's in the same abode.

One of me little jobs as I call them was cleaning out the boys mudroom closet last week. As with kiddos it was pretty disorganised and it held a zillion toys instead of coats. I boxed the toys, stuck them in the trunk of me car for transport to the transfer (dump) station to put in the "free for the picking" section. I also got rid of coats that were worn or too small and those many pairs of snow pants and old boots zapped in the trunk of me car. I got all that to the transfer station without incident and no one the wiser.

The mudroom closets looks like it did when we first moved in . . . empty. No one has noticed because the coats and boots in use are usually lying on the sofa or a chair in the living room. With such a clean closet I decided to move the collection of coats my wife has accumulated through the years that jam the front hallway closet so I can't even put one coat of mine or a guests inside it.

The wife had gone to work, the kiddos were all in school, me mam had gone shopping, and I had the day off. I had originally decided to enjoy me day doing absolutely bloody nothing. BUT the Dragon was home and roaming the lair so I decided to get busy to keep me mind from exploding. I knew it would be no more than seconds of her seeing me relaxing that she wouldn't be wagging her tongue at how lazy I be.

So I went to the hall closet and started moving half of the zillions of coats the wife had hanging there.  Now there were two or three of her coats I had used as packing material (you know the drill when in a rush and out of bubble wrap one takes what is handy) and well those three coats were so wrinkled and full of lint I decided to put them in a plastic bin and transport them to the transfer station only not to the free picking section, to the DUMP section.

I  spent half a day sorting her stuff out, rematching the glove collection that went along with the coats. Anything that didn't match or looked ratty I chucked in the plastic bin. You know those old rabbit fur lined gloves that once wet are useless, yeah lots of those. Then I started on the scarfs and hats, and in the bin they went, me thinking they looked beat to hell and furthermore haven't been worn once since I've known her. I also tossed some boots that I figured the heels were out of style, and why wait for the style to come back when I know she'd just go out and buy new ones! So out those went into the bin.

I had so much stuff I needed two bins. I got another one and un-crammed the first bin and put the really junky old coats in the first one and the ones I thought I could donate to Goodwill in the second one.  Out into the garage goes the first one and then the second in the trunk.

Of course the next day, Tonya asks "Where's my black rabbit coat?" Mind you the woman hasn't worn that thing in years. Then I hear, "Where is my purple coat?" This from me Mam, and the woman be colour blind and it is really a dark brown coat so half the time I don't know what the hell she's looking for. I said, "I don't know in the closet maybe?"

"It's not here, you threw my good coat out Gabriel!" Me mam accused as Tonya stopped and listened to this exchange.

"Oh no, I put them in the mudroom closet to make room." I said which I did put the remaining three out of zillions that I thought were in good condition. I also did not know that I threw me own grey haired apple cheeked mam's coats too!

"Why'd you do that?" Tonya asked on her way to the mudroom. Before I could open me gob hole she was at the mudroom closet inhaling loudly at the shock. There were the three coats of hers, mine and Dragon's Jon Snow cape and nothing for me mam.

Knowing I was about to be in hot water up to me eyeballs I said, "I likely put them in the basement to make more space, I thought spring might be coming and took the winter coats to the cedar closet."

"What cedar closet we don't have a cedar closet in this house." Tonya said coming towards me. And you know I am thinking GEES I've been caught! Did I put those coats in the trunk or in the garage?

Now when I was growing up me mam always maintained the one year rule - she'd take things out of your closet and save them in the basement for one year. If you never notice they were missing, out they went! Like most men, I get accused of tossing things all the time.

For 20 years I heard about the British Literature books me mam supposedly threw out because me da couldn't find them. One day me sissy walks in with a box of books that her husband found that belonged to me da. Yeah men loose more things than we throw out. Anyway . . . the mad rush of opening every closet in the house and finding not the desired garments but a lot of empty space begged the question where did the kiddo's toys disappear to and where are the snowsuits and boots, hats, gloves, scarfs, you name it it was asked about.

Lucky for me it wasn't trash day until the next afternoon. All I had to do was check the trunk, check the garage, but who is in the garage, but the Dragon, looking for a rag to dust with. And you know me, I be too stubborn to tell the truth that maybe I did toss the purple but really brown coat and the black rabbit to boot!

I tried to sneak in to the garage by crunching meself in half so Dragon couldn't see me on the other side of the car. But I got caught because me phone rang and I popped up in surprise at the sound and she seeing movement turned to catch the popping up and says, "Your friend isn't a weasel, YOU are! What you mean popping up like that? Are you trying to frighten me?" So lost opportunity. Before I can do anything more, the wife and mother are wrapped in shawls and getting in the car that has the one bin in the trunk! Me mam had an appointment and there was nothing I could do.

Yup bin gone to the doctors and all I can think of is please don't stop for anything and pop that trunk. Now I be frantic, well not really, me mam's is her old working coat as she calls it, had it forever, and it comes from a long line of the same coat bought every few years one wears out, the exact same one is bought again. I be thinking of buying her a new one, but then realise they are made in Ireland and that's not gonna fly.

I decided to take a walk in the yard to get away from Dragon so I can think what to do. I need to get in the garage to check the one bin but she's in there reorganising the paint cans. Oi!

About thirty minutes later I return thinking she's out of the garage and she is, BUT the bin is gone! The car though is back! Quick I go to pop the trunk, and I go through the bin and nothing! Neither coat. There is one looks like Tonya's rabbit, it's black but it's not fur. I think maybe I can get the cat to roll on it and get some fur stuck on it and well . . . no. Who wants to be caught in a lie! Even a small one ( and of course it isn't the end of the world in my mind - maybe the end of me life, but not the world just my world).

I go in the basement instead of up the stairs to the kitchen where I be guessing the women are all discussing me and what they will do to me should they get a hold of me. I walk in the basement door and there's the bin! Low and behold, there are both coats! I had such a guilty conscious, I drove meself nearly silly for no good reason. Well, that's not true, I had reason.

I suspect this is one of those common events that others have also fallen prey to. You get tired of tripping over something like a Dragon lady and you end up cleaning closets and taking things that belong to your mam or worse, wife, and say that's it! Out it goes! I be throwing THIS out! and as soon as you do, the spouse asks where it is, so you make up some story. SIGH.

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  1. the old saying is what comes around goes around i guess in your circumstances it was tanya's turn lol

  2. LMAO I disappear things all the time. You don't do it all at once. I do a few things at a time.

  3. LOL isn't it always the way? When things used to disappear in my house my lads were like..... MUM???? Did you throw this out? I would just say, Me? Na, must have been Nan LOL

  4. Instead of coats gone missing I am surprised the Dragon hasn't gone missing. I would never look your way if that should happen. What is they say, have broomstick will travel? That would be my story and I'd stick to it Gabe.

    1. LOL funny laddie you be! I see you got an acting job on BBC America. Me wife noticed it first, said "Oh look your friend is got the roll of Ross Poldark." I will admit I had to look twice, LOL

    2. I'll take that as a compliment, you know what they say all Irishmen look alike. ;)~

  5. and here i was watching wolf hall thinking it was about my husband's family lol. lucky you have to admit there is a strong resemblance to you and poldark. he looks like you in your bad ass days lol and gabe i have a coat missing did you take it lol