30 May 2018
910
R. Linda:
Tomorrow I be off for a four-day assignment so I will not be home. I decided to mow the back lawn at least so the kiddos can play without me Mam hollering, "Snakes!" from the upper deck at them. When the grass gets high garter snakes seem to find their way into the grass so they can slither at your ankles. Me Mam calls this the heart attack season for walking in one's own backyard.
She had us put a clothesline down back because she doesn't like the dryer (which I notice she uses in the winter months), and me not always being on top of cutting the grass . . . well the grass gets a wee bit high shall we say? She would walk out there with her basket of wet laundry and I could see her skipping along and in some cases jumping along, never letting go of the clean wash as she shirked her way to the clothesline. This was all due to snakes in the grass quite literally.
So since I won't be here, I thought I better at least get the back done so none of this would happen and I'd hear about it upon me return.
I have a second-hand riding mower, that be souped up by its former owner, a race car driver. The mower be new actually. The reason I got it on the cheap was because the wife of said race car driver was pissed off at her husband for making every engine on anything so powerful you needed a seatbelt and a parachute to drive it. I will say it starts up with a gigantic roar, one backfire when you put it in gear, and then you lurch forward at a hundred miles per hour! It is like being on a mega bumper car, the thing hits tree trunks so it's got some big dings in it because it can be rather hard to control. The steering wheel vibrates so much that me arms get a workout just holding on to it.
Anyway, the back lawn used to take me maybe 30 to 40 minutes on the old machine. This thing, five minutes tops and I be done!
An aside here, on me way home I stopped at the local general store for bread and milk as per instructions from the wife. The guy behind the counter knows I have three kiddos and showed me the large water rifles he had just gotten in. Would I want three for the kiddos? Why not, right? I knew why not but I bought them anyway and when I got home, they were instantly ripped from their boxes and filled with water. And as expected they were squirting each other inside the house which got them booted outside instantly. All except the smallest one who insisted on using a chair to stand up to the sink and fill his own himself.
Me, unsuspecting that anything could go wrong took meself out with earplugs to the lawnmower. Mam was leaning over the deck railing telling Dragon (who was genteelly sipping tea) this: "Ooh git ready dere going ta be sum snakes flying." To which Dragon nearly spit out her tea, dropped her cup to the deck shattering it and ran inside.
"Ye best coom back ere' an clean dat mess up Missy!" Mam yelled through the screen door.
Meanwhile, I was about to turn the ignition when Tonya shouts at me to wait. She came running forward with me bike helmet and safety goggles. She ordered me to put them on if I was going to drive that "crazy thing." I did, because I have come near to taking me head off with low tree branches since I can't stop the mower on a dime, it takes time to just die out and by that time I have been walloped by low hung branches to where me forehead takes on a rather peculiar shade of yellow and purple the next day. So I turned the ignition and BLAM I was in business and in forward motion at a ridiculous amount of speed and in three passes had half the lawn done, when suddenly I realised it was starting to rain, yet the sun was still out. A sun shower? I thought erroneously until I noticed the only rain was on me and not anything else. Looking up as I zoomed along, I saw the wee one on the deck running from one end to the other squirting yours truly as I made me passes. I tell ya!
I couldn't hear his diabolical laughter but I could see he was laughing his arse off. And I got sprayed good on the back of me tee shirt. The water was like ice! I got the shivers each time he hit me the little imp, especially between the shoulder blades. I tried to manoeuvre me way around the lawn but I was missing large swathes because of him and that infernal ice gun. By the time he got to fill his gun, the water was very cold, thus the ice shower he graced me with the little demon.
At least the ladies were entertained. I finally came to a neck-breaking halt when I turned the machine off and instead of its usual forward motion to a resounding halt, the bloody machine just up and stopped with me almost taking a header over the front. Seems the small devil hit the spark plugs somehow causing them to misfire from the wet and so the sudden stop with no warning.
Sliding off the mower and throwing off the helmet and goggles, I sat on the ground trying to figure out what the hell just happened when I realised there were short legs coming into my peripheral vision and too slow to react, I got a face full of ice water. That woke me up quick I can tell ya that much. I got up and raced after him, but he was too fast for me. He disappeared under the deck to where I had to bend almost double to get under and I wasn't about to do that. I left him there hiding and trudged up the deck stairs.
"I saw ye git one snake and it was a big one it wuz." Mam said as Dragon was leaning over picking up pieces of the teacup which as soon as she heard "snake" dropped it again and ran inside.
"I hit a snake?" I didn't remember seeing snake meat come flinging back at me as has happened I be sorry to say. Well, not sorry really.
"Nah, jus said dat to mess wit her." Mam giggled.
I had gone inside, no Dragon in sight and Mam was picking up the last of the teacup out on the deck. I was washing me hands when I thought I heard the screen door open, but the hand washing covered the sound almost and I thought it was me Mam so I paid no attention until . . . yup one good splash in me face and he was off and running up the stairs laughing his arse off. I tell ya, he will be the death of me one day. Of all of the boyos the youngest be different. I often think he's someone else's because he isn't like either me or Tonya, but as Tonya points out he looks like us so he must be ours. I often wonder what we did differently he didn't turn out like the other two. I be thinking quite seriously of taking a long holiday or as the Americans say, a vacation when he gets to be a teenager and coming back when that's over. I be toying with that idea anyway.
Gabe
Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved
910
R. Linda:
Tomorrow I be off for a four-day assignment so I will not be home. I decided to mow the back lawn at least so the kiddos can play without me Mam hollering, "Snakes!" from the upper deck at them. When the grass gets high garter snakes seem to find their way into the grass so they can slither at your ankles. Me Mam calls this the heart attack season for walking in one's own backyard.
She had us put a clothesline down back because she doesn't like the dryer (which I notice she uses in the winter months), and me not always being on top of cutting the grass . . . well the grass gets a wee bit high shall we say? She would walk out there with her basket of wet laundry and I could see her skipping along and in some cases jumping along, never letting go of the clean wash as she shirked her way to the clothesline. This was all due to snakes in the grass quite literally.
So since I won't be here, I thought I better at least get the back done so none of this would happen and I'd hear about it upon me return.
I have a second-hand riding mower, that be souped up by its former owner, a race car driver. The mower be new actually. The reason I got it on the cheap was because the wife of said race car driver was pissed off at her husband for making every engine on anything so powerful you needed a seatbelt and a parachute to drive it. I will say it starts up with a gigantic roar, one backfire when you put it in gear, and then you lurch forward at a hundred miles per hour! It is like being on a mega bumper car, the thing hits tree trunks so it's got some big dings in it because it can be rather hard to control. The steering wheel vibrates so much that me arms get a workout just holding on to it.
Anyway, the back lawn used to take me maybe 30 to 40 minutes on the old machine. This thing, five minutes tops and I be done!
An aside here, on me way home I stopped at the local general store for bread and milk as per instructions from the wife. The guy behind the counter knows I have three kiddos and showed me the large water rifles he had just gotten in. Would I want three for the kiddos? Why not, right? I knew why not but I bought them anyway and when I got home, they were instantly ripped from their boxes and filled with water. And as expected they were squirting each other inside the house which got them booted outside instantly. All except the smallest one who insisted on using a chair to stand up to the sink and fill his own himself.
"Ye best coom back ere' an clean dat mess up Missy!" Mam yelled through the screen door.
Meanwhile, I was about to turn the ignition when Tonya shouts at me to wait. She came running forward with me bike helmet and safety goggles. She ordered me to put them on if I was going to drive that "crazy thing." I did, because I have come near to taking me head off with low tree branches since I can't stop the mower on a dime, it takes time to just die out and by that time I have been walloped by low hung branches to where me forehead takes on a rather peculiar shade of yellow and purple the next day. So I turned the ignition and BLAM I was in business and in forward motion at a ridiculous amount of speed and in three passes had half the lawn done, when suddenly I realised it was starting to rain, yet the sun was still out. A sun shower? I thought erroneously until I noticed the only rain was on me and not anything else. Looking up as I zoomed along, I saw the wee one on the deck running from one end to the other squirting yours truly as I made me passes. I tell ya!
I couldn't hear his diabolical laughter but I could see he was laughing his arse off. And I got sprayed good on the back of me tee shirt. The water was like ice! I got the shivers each time he hit me the little imp, especially between the shoulder blades. I tried to manoeuvre me way around the lawn but I was missing large swathes because of him and that infernal ice gun. By the time he got to fill his gun, the water was very cold, thus the ice shower he graced me with the little demon.
 |
| Sprays water 10 feet me arse, more like 30 feet |
At least the ladies were entertained. I finally came to a neck-breaking halt when I turned the machine off and instead of its usual forward motion to a resounding halt, the bloody machine just up and stopped with me almost taking a header over the front. Seems the small devil hit the spark plugs somehow causing them to misfire from the wet and so the sudden stop with no warning.
Sliding off the mower and throwing off the helmet and goggles, I sat on the ground trying to figure out what the hell just happened when I realised there were short legs coming into my peripheral vision and too slow to react, I got a face full of ice water. That woke me up quick I can tell ya that much. I got up and raced after him, but he was too fast for me. He disappeared under the deck to where I had to bend almost double to get under and I wasn't about to do that. I left him there hiding and trudged up the deck stairs.
"I saw ye git one snake and it was a big one it wuz." Mam said as Dragon was leaning over picking up pieces of the teacup which as soon as she heard "snake" dropped it again and ran inside.
"I hit a snake?" I didn't remember seeing snake meat come flinging back at me as has happened I be sorry to say. Well, not sorry really.
"Nah, jus said dat to mess wit her." Mam giggled.
I had gone inside, no Dragon in sight and Mam was picking up the last of the teacup out on the deck. I was washing me hands when I thought I heard the screen door open, but the hand washing covered the sound almost and I thought it was me Mam so I paid no attention until . . . yup one good splash in me face and he was off and running up the stairs laughing his arse off. I tell ya, he will be the death of me one day. Of all of the boyos the youngest be different. I often think he's someone else's because he isn't like either me or Tonya, but as Tonya points out he looks like us so he must be ours. I often wonder what we did differently he didn't turn out like the other two. I be thinking quite seriously of taking a long holiday or as the Americans say, a vacation when he gets to be a teenager and coming back when that's over. I be toying with that idea anyway.
Gabe
Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved
4 comments:
that is hysterical! i can imagine the young scamp shooting you with the water gun as you zoom by lmao
Only you, LMAO
LMAO when my kids were small we ALL had water cannons. We also had snakes. We dodged snakes and soaked each other. Don't even think the youngest isn't like you, hes probably more like you than the other two.
Definitely cheered up my day. Took me back to my lads who loved the water guns when young. Probably would still get a kick out of them. Like you though,back then, no one was safe! Thanks for the laugh Gabe!
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