10 June, 2017

Permanent Brain Freeze And Then There Was The Matter Of The Bakery Girl

10 June 2017

R. Linda:

Well, I was in for a new experience I was. Me Mam usually does the grocery shopping but she's got a permanent chill and refuses to go. I have taken up the gauntlet as the supermarket be on me way home, so it takes nothing for me to stop in.

I had to chalk up me Mam's reluctance not to any chill, but that she went at the crack of dawn (a new time for her) on what she believed was the off day that the old men weren't let out of the old mens home to shop on that day or that early. Well, what she discovered to her abject horror, was that the even older gents were shopping at that hour, on that particular day. The only good that came out of it was they were ancient specimens of men and she being younger and more spry of limb, could outrun them. That be all but one, the one in the motorised wheelchair gave her a good go he did. Therefore, I thought it was THAT and not any chill.

So last night I did the shopping. We are 45 minutes away from the nearest market and that is a place we fondly call Market Bucket, or more often "the bucket." This be (just to remind you) the self same place me Mam fights off the old geezers of which New Hampshire seems to have a higher population of than any state in the nation. But that's neither here nor there, nothing I would have to worry about. No, me worries became more temperature related . . . or make that cream filled.

Like I said, I thought me Mam had had it with the geezer population and that was the real reason she didn't want to go there. But no, she said the store was cold and I didn't believer her. Well, turns out she be right about the cold.

The dairy section is turned down to subzero temperatures which makes for a quick run through to get what you want and get the hell out of that aisle. When I first turned the corner I saw people rushing through like jackrabbits being chased by a den of foxes. I soon found out why as I turned me trolley into the aisle and started up it.

The hairs in me nose froze first and I think I had icicles on me eyebrows and lashes by the time I reached the milk section. Me teeth were chattering up a snowstorm as I grabbed the milk and ran to the frozen food department seeking warmth. And it was warmer in the frozen food section than in the dairy aisle. Go figure! But then I remembered I was supposed to pick up some Dubliner Cheese, so I had to brace meself to go back in. I ran me trolley down the aisle safely as there weren't too many shoppers in dairy for obvious reasons. I couldn't find the freaking cheese so I saw a bucket worker in his white coat next to the yogurt just standing there so I tooled up to him.

With me teeth chattering I asked him, "Pardon me sir, but can ye point me in the direction of the Dubliner Cheese?"

No response. I asked again, clearing me throat and speaking louder and more precise. Still nothing. I moved around in front of him and O-M-G R. Linda, the man was a frozen block of ice! There were icicles hanging off his nose, his lips were purple and he was sporting a slight sheen of glazed iciness like he'd been caught in a blizzard on top of Mt. Everest!

I was concerned the man be a frozen block of ice and probably dead! You can't have dead people in the dairy section! Me, being me, looked around for help but no one was stupid enough to be in the ice cold dairy section but meself. So, seeing no help available and being too far from the half way warm frozen food section, I looked around to the other end of the aisle where the bakery was. I lifted the man up like he was a cardboard cutout of himself, and shuffled holding his icy self to me chest to move him where I knew the bakery section would have HEAT from the ovens, BUT I had to stop for the fear of freezer burn through me shirt. I put him down and then decided to drag him the rest of the way. He was heavy encased in all that ice!

I got him into Bakery when the gum-chewing girl (yeah real attractive for a bakery worker) asked me what did I think I was doing? I told her over me shoulder as I grunted to drag him closer to the counter opening where I was of a mind to drag him back to where the ovens were, that we had to resuscitate him before he froze to death if he wasn't already.

"Uh no, not in my section you aren't mistah." She snapped her gum.

"You have a better idea?" I said determined he was going to the oven no matter what I had to do to fend her gum-chewing self off.

"Nah, but ya can't bring dead people into my bakery!"

"I don't know that he's dead. Why don't  you make yourself useful and call 911 while I get him to where he can thaw out."

"And why don't you . . . "

I won't write what she told me I could do with me frozen "friend" but it wasn't nice and had to do with arseholes. Anyway, THAT got me more inclined to do what I said I was going to do and while I fought her off as she beat me about the head and shoulders with a spatula, I managed to get him to where several cakes were baking.

"Open those oven doors and I swear I will throw every cupcake in this bakery at your face!" She sneered popping her gum.

"I be not going to open the oven door!" I said under me breath as I tried to stand me frozen block of ice upright in front of it.

It was just as I turned in her direction I was hit square in face with a over sized, gushy pink cupcake. I was offended and shocked all at the same time. How could she? Out of the instinct for preservation I picked up what was close to me and lobbed a cream filled eclair at her head. A distinct SPLAT told me I connected with me target.

She had ducked to avoid the mushy treat so it was a shock to her when it hit. She slowly made herself upright as the cream oozed down her face. She looked mad. I was sure of it by the animal sounds she was making. But then she just stood there her face crimson, the remnants of eclair stuck in her hair. I couldn't help it I started laughing. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but as I laughed, her eyes grew wide, her mouth started working and quicker than a baseball player she picked up a colourful birthday cake and with stunning accuracy got me square in the face AGAIN! Now it was her turn to laugh and mine to lose it. I picked up a tray of cream puffs and wham, a cream puff body slam if ever there was one. I won't bore you with what pastries went flying back and forth, but by the time the manager saw us we had pretty much cleaned out the bakery section. There was a crowd of shoppers outside the counter looking at us with shocked expressions all around.

We two combatants where shamefaced when we looked at what we had done, but then I remembered me mission of thawing and saving the life of a dairy worker. I spouted what me purpose had been and then pointed behind me. The store manager looked at me like I was lying and herself (who had lost her gum which went flying out of her mouth when I hit her with a well placed cannoli) was sneering at me. The dairy worker was nowhere to be seen. No, he had thawed out and snuck off knowing full well there would be hell to pay, OR maybe he was the one went and got the store manager. I don't rightly know. What I do know be the bakery worker be out of a job and I have a giant bill for pastries I never got to eat.

What was worse, I had to break the news to me Mam I couldn't set foot in the Bucket ever again and she'd have to brave the wave of old men who find her attractive and do the shopping. I have heard about what a stupid imbecilic thing I did. Mam tells me 20 times an hour how glad she is she changed her entire name she won't be associated with ME. That I have sullied the name of O'Sullivan and after a quick run to the Bucket an hour ago, she tells me there is a sign with me face on it warning the bakery workers to beware Gabriel O'Sullivan, he be not allowed anywhere within 200 feet of the bakery department and 500 feet of the entire store!

"I hope yer happy wit yersel Gabriel, ye be infamous in a grocery store of all places!"

Yeah well Mam, better than if me face was plastered as a White House Staffer!

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  1. That last line was an unexpected zinger! I would love to be you for a day. LMAO

  2. you are a crazy man ... for obvious reasons roflmao

  3. LOL Cappy way to go lobbing cupcakes. Soft warfare we call that on the Pearl LMAO

  4. What a life you lead, keep the stories coming you are amusing and a credit to the Irish race. Maith thu!