30 January, 2017

Squatchin' with the ultimate squatchers!

30 January 2017

R. Linda:

I wish I could say I ate spicy food again, but I did not. I was wide awake Saturday afternoon, when that dreaded red mustang came slowly down me driveway. I wanted to run inside, lock the doors, and hide, but the Weasil and friend Robbie saw me, so what could I do but stand there like an idiot watching them pull up next to me.

"So Gabe, ya reedie fur soom squatchin?" Robbie said, his fat red face aglow with his rosacea condition.

"Some what?" I asked then it came to me, that the Weasil had said he'd be by (but he never said when) to pick me up for a hike in the woods to look for what I thought he said was his watch. Thinking I did not glean Robbie's Scottish accent correctly I nodded at Weasil and said, "Oh yeah."

I had promised and a promise be a promise, so I went inside got me Timberlands on, and told me Mam I was off for a hike and should be home after dinner, and probably she should set places for the Weas and Robbie since they probably would expect to be fed after an afternoon of "entertaining" me. So if she could save us some food that would be much appreciated. I kissed the bewildered wife so long and she was not buying we were looking for a lost watch. But okay run along Gabe, have a good time with your little friends. Gees.

I got in the mustang and asked where we were going and was told Pack Monadnock. This puzzled me, what was Weasil doing on Pack Monadnock? I asked and was told he was never on Pack Monadnock but heard it was prime squatch country.

"Watch country?" I asked thinking well, Weasil is a Scot and I don't have an ear for the Scottish accent. And why he'd think someone would be selling watches on a mountain I have not clue, but we were talking Weasil here.

"Nah, squatch, like in sasquatch, biggie footie."

That sank in with a bang to me brain. And it sank deep in me rational part of me brain that I wasn't helping a friend out, the friend had me on another of his crazy wild goose chases. Oh for joy, it was too late to get out of the motor, we were well on our way and there I was pissed off AGAIN that I was duped into some stupid adventure with the two Scots. When will I learn that what is good for the Weasil is not good for the Gabe?

It didn't take long to get to Pack Monadnock, and we started into the thick woods and climbed the mountain road slowly while Robbie scanned the trees for a "squatch" and Weasil looked for a parking area, and I silently fumed at meself in the backseat.

We found a parking ground, got out and Weas popped the boot and instantly Robbie was taking out equipment.

"What do we need all this stuff for?" I asked.

"We need infra red cameras to cotch the beestie on film, we need the night vision binoculars ta see him up cloos and parsonal, we need da net ta cotch him in. Ya luked out we dint bring da campin' equipment." Robbie said laughing as he handed me and Weas the equipment.

Yeah camping in the woods, that would be no treat. They know I be no outdoors man so in reality I was getting off easy. But not really as we know, there be no getting off easy in the world of these two miscreants.

"Ya evah seen a squatchie befur, Gabe?" Weasil asked trying to be genuine (which was a stretch).

"Uh no, don't believe they exist." I foolishly said to their gasps of shock and dismay, which I shrugged off.

We started up a pine needled trail into dense woods. We were climbing and me thigh muscles were beginning to burn from the exertion which made me wonder what fat Robbie's were feeling but he looked like a pro, keeping up with the fit Mr. W. I shook me head at meself the entire time until we stopped suddenly. Weasil had raised his hand for us to halt and was listening.

I heard nothing, I truly did not but the other two were nodding and smiling at each other.

"How long this gonna take?" I asked breaking their spell.

"Dint ya hear dat?" Robbie asked.

"Hear what?"

"Da soundie of heavy steppins." Weasil said lapsing into Weasilese.

"No, no I did not." I said with a heavy sigh. I knew perfectly well the sound was me own footsteps trudging along but these two wanted to think it was something else.

Robbie took a deep inhalation and let it out slowly like it was pleasurable. He said quietly, "I sense us a squatch in da tick trees."

I furrowed me brow in disbelief but any objections would fall on deaf ears, so I said nothing just thought what a couple of dolts I was with.

We went about six paces when Robbie stopped us this time and said, "I kin feel its presence."

The hairs on the back of me neck went up. That's the last thing I wanted to hear, besides actually seeing something I couldn't explain, I'd rather the former but still he was spooking me out.

We went a few more steps when he stopped us again with, "did ye hear dat?"

I heard nothing but the soft falling snow shower that was beginning. I wanted to hit him, me anger was starting to get the best of me, feelings of near panic where setting in, I had no clue where the freak I was.

It was getting onto 4 o'clock so it was starting to get dark. I was concerned how long we'd be out in the woods as it was starting to get cold. Then I remembered everything was infra red or night vision so I didn't bother to ask. Great, I'd be out in the dark woods, unsure where I was, without a compass, with two crazies, looking for a mythical creature, that I was sure did and does not exist.

We came to another halt after climbing for 20 minutes in silence. Weasil put his hands to his mouth to cup the sound of his hooting loudly at the trees. I wanted to say, what are you doing dude? But I knew he was calling sasquatch. Yupper-ruddies, fun in the forest.

We stood silently waiting for what? An answer? Well, sports fans we got one. The sound of a tree falling in the distance. The two squatchers were jumping up and down in silent joy that a bigfoot had knocked over a dead tree in response. Oh yeah right you boyos are!

I could not join in the joy, it was so ludicrous that it was beyond me comprehension that I was even doing what I was doing.

Silently Weasil signalled us to follow as he went ever higher up the now rocky, slippery trail. I was thinking I was seeing things, but no snowflakes were beginning to fall in earnest and well, time to go home! But no, they kept on trekking with me pointing out the big flakes that meant absolutely nothing to either one of the deadheads.

The snow was starting to stick and it was coming down heavier. This concerned yours truly who wasn't dressed in Nanook of the North outdoor wear. The flakes were sticking to our knit caps which would be soaked through if we didn't turn back. But no, ever onward and upward.

Another halt, another call and nothing. Moving right along with snow and altitude a real presence in me life, when suddenly we hear some kind of noise. I couldn't tell you what it was, as I be no animal expert but the two of them were dancing around that it was a "fecking squatch" and they both called back, Weasil with that same hooty thing and Robbie sounding like he was calling pigs. "Sou wee!" He chanted as I stood there incredulous.

And . . . nothing. Walking on, in the dark now, the snow crunching under our feet. Just look at this:

BURRR!!! I don't see any sasquatch up in trees do you?

"Did ye see dat? Ova dere!" Robbie pointed into a thicket. I saw nothing, but Weasil wanted to see something and said he wasn't sure, but there was movement.

Courtesy Animal Planet - Robbie thought he saw something like this
I wanted to laugh it was that stupid, but I refrained and bit the inside of me mouth instead. I was more sober minded and looking around at the failing visibility, and falling snow I grew concerned.

"Do either of you remember the way back?" I asked to them shushing me so as not to frighten off the bigfoot they were sure they were tracking.

Two more stops, a few more calls and nothing.

"Time to turn around and go back me boyos." I said turning to do just that.

"Coom on Gabe, just another bit here and den weel turn round." Robbie pleaded.

"Uh, no. I'm going back meet you at the car." I said hoping I wouldn't be going back by meself as I had no clue where the heck I was and we had gone off trail a few times. But they believed me so with heavy sighs they started back. I was upbraided the entire hour and 45 minutes about how I "wimped" out on them and they being so near catching a bigfoot. Oh sure like anyone would believe that.

"Next time come without me, you two do swimmingly on your own." I retorted.

On and on they went in the car about me causing them to not make history and how the biological and scientific communities not to forget Peta would have given them awards galore for the capture of the first live bigfoot, and how their names and mine (if I had let them catch one) would have gone down in anthropological history and how our names would be combined to make a scientific if un-Latin name for the new discovery. I put me hands to me ears to blot out all that foolishness.

Finally we returned to me abode and I thought they were annoyed enough they'd leave, but we are talking the idea of FOOD so no, I was, and me family was, subjected to how they lost their chance, not because I wanted to come home, but because I LOST ME FREAKING NERVE! I tell ya!

I packed up some pineapple upside down cake into two ziplock baggies and handed them to the two grumblers, telling them it had been real, now get going before the snow became so deep they couldn't drive in it. No way was I harbouring either of them for the night so I could hear about me lapse in good bigfoot judgement at the breakfast table.

"Wow, you were manly tonight," Tonya smiled at me impressed.

"What you mean?" I was confused, I had be berated the entire time the two were in me abode and fended them off as best I could, but I felt the two against one they had the upper hand.

"You actually booted them out the door without giving them recourse to argue about the weather -- which they usually do and end up staying for days!" She patted me face and ended with, "I am proud of you O'Sully."

So Tonya's joy at having them gone was the highlight of a bizarre hike in unknown forest, spending the day sore and cold, looking for something that lives only in the minds of the two mentally impaired Scots, Weasil and Robbie. I hope they stay miffed and I don't hear from them for a long while, BUT we know that won't happen. SIGH.

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  1. Bamboozled again, hey Gabe? When will you learn? As it 'tis, I am still trying to get my hair back in styling fashion but your muse did a number.

    1. Unfortunately, I don't possess your biting wit to do much about the Weas.

  2. when will you learn is right lol you are a weasil groupie whether you want to be or not. the positive is, he is interesting and never a dull moment, makes for fun stories!

  3. ROFLMAO did I forget to tell you? I had Elmer s glue in my hands. Gabe, whay can I say? You've been warned and you STILL go on their misadventures. Be happy you didnt come home with poison ivy or ticks!