15 May, 2016

Fun and Games

807

15 May 2016

R. Linda:

Where to begin? So many stupid things have happened just keeping count is getting hard. I should start with the arrival of the Dragon Lady AGAIN!

She hopped on her broom and flew up for a weekend. I don't know why, I didn't ask, I just know she was here. While she was here I got an invitation to Captain Jaack's birthday. I wasn't going to go because Tonya had too much going on at the house, mainly getting her garden ready (which in itself would be a perfect excuse for me to go to Maine and spend a rum-filled day with the Captain), BUT I knew better. But as luck would have it, I had the dates mixed up and the weekend I worked on that damn garden wasn't the weekend of the party, it was the following one.

Tonya, Mam and meself worked on tilling and then spreading horse manure. We got the garden set for planting later on when the manure would have baked into the ground and the weather gets cooler. I needed to pick up some plastic fencing to keep the deer out of the garden and our supervisor, Dragon Lady, offered to drive me to a garden centre. I was stunned she offered, and me wife nudged me to go because she whispered, "She will pay for it, this is her way to show she helped."

Well, okay so off I go Dragon at the wheel of me Saturn and to the garden centre we went. I got what I needed and yes, she offered to pay, I declined, but then she insisted, so . . .

As we were driving I saw Mam in her mini behind us. She had gone out and got us all subs and drinks. That was all well and good but as we turned onto the road to our abode, there was what looked like a dark wet thick branch in our lane on the small back road. I thought it wasn't there when we left so someone clearing brush must have dropped it out of their truck. Well, too late to swerve and Dragon hit it with a thump thump against the driver's door and as I looked back the 'stick' was moving like a hose in the air, squirming until bam! Me Mam hits it and then it is flaying in the road. I realise that was no stick it was a black snake, a big one.

Dragon took it all in stride by hoping IT didn't dent me auto. Gees. This was the topic of discussion when we got out of the car and me Mam be telling Tonya we hit a black mamba crossing the road.

"There are no black mambas in New Hampshire," I informed her, but no no it was a black mamba! She carried on about that snake until the boyos made her get in her car and drive back to where the hopefully dead black water snake was. I tell ya! They came back to tell me it was indeed dead and the crows were at it. I was surprised she didn't run those over too!

So I had nightmares about that snake. For three nights straight!

Then that week, me Mam gets a phone call (since Tonya was working and not at home) to come and get Guido. He called his best friend, "an f------- arsehole" and well he said it not once but six times. She went and got him asking him where he learned that and he said from HER. This made her extremely unhappy and somewhat upset with the boyo. She asked both Ton and me if she said that a lot and well, yes, she does.

"I'll put the brakes on dat den." Says she getting very Irish.

We grounded the laddie from all things electronic, play dates and made him sit in his room and read books. I was tempted to stick Mam in there too for being the one he got those words from, but we know she be old and sometimes she isn't cautious about what she says when around young ones.

A week later, and the boyo reinstated to electronic usage, Mam gets another call from the school, seems Guido has found a way to curse by using his tablet and saying it electronically. His logic was it didn't come out of his mouth so writing it was okay. NOT OK. This time the tablet was taken by the school superintendent no less because Guido also called him a 'f------- arsehole' by flashing it at the man who happened to be visiting Guido's school that day. I tell ya! So now he is grounded again from electronics, the tablet is being donated, and he is writing a hundred times, I SHALL NOT CURSE AT ANYONE EVER AGAIN. Yeah right like that's likely to play out.

Having had enough I needed a break. I decided since the garden really didn't need me I'd go to the Captain's party just to get away for a day. Tonya didn't want to go, she was mapping out what she would plant and where so off I went to Maine and the pirate party. No, I did not dress up.

I have never been to the Captain's house and I was a little bit surprised, he lives in a normal house and not a ship. His house over looks the sea and has great views. You can hear the waves slapping against the shore and he has a long wooden stairway down to a dock where he does have a boat. I had images of me sitting there enjoying the view and sipping a beer for the day. But no, the Captain had other ideas.

I arrived early as I did not calculate time and mileage very well. It seemed he was a keg short and needed to run down to the liquor store, did I want to go with him. Well, no but I did. The captain lives in a place where the roads are small and winding, and he guides the Jaguar around the bends like he could do it blindfolded (which I wouldn't want to be a party to no matter how talented he is). We get down the hillside and there are these two boyos on bicycles. One saw the license plate and yelled to the other one and they started peddling like a tornado was behind them to see who was driving the car. I told the Captain about this so he slowed the Jag down and as soon as the two boys caught up he'd gun it further down the road and they'd peddle as fast as they could to catch up. He did this five times the son of a gun. He never did give them a good look at his Johnny Depp self.

We picked up the keg and another birthday cake, this one said, Happy Birthday Marie & Kate. I was curious and asked thinking it was his birthday we were celebrating. Well, it was but it was also his wife's birthday and her best friend's the next day. She and the best friend always celebrated their birthdays together, and since it was the weekend they all were celebrating. OK!

"I got Marie a sexy red underwear combination." He laughed. "And I got Kate a bag of daffodil bulbs because she likes those."

Well, we got back no boyos to be seen on the return trip, but we had everything and within the half hour people started to arrive. Most all of them, men and women dressed as pirates. And in true captain form the captain got into his Captain Jack Sparrow gear and we were all set for a drunken celebration and a good thing it was.

The present time was rather unique if not a little bizarre. The Captain opened his presents first and it was an array of all things pirate. Flags, swords, a blunderbuss, ships in bottles, etc., and then the women opened their gifts and the last gifts were the ones from the Captain. Well, it was a memory that will live on in me mind. Marie opened her husband's gift and discovered a bag full of daffodil bulbs. Before the Captain could stop Kate, she had torn open the red undies and was holding them up to herself saying, "WOW GERRY REALLY?"

Which is exactly what the Captain's wife said to him too! Watching him trying to explain the mistake was precious and the laughter was contagious. I never laughed so hard to see a man backpedal so quickly. He blamed it on the rum which he had been in since the start. I tell ya! Could it get any worse? Oh yeah, and it did, the cake for the Captain was a special order. He wanted ganache over buttercream frosting. Well, he didn't get ganache he got chocolate shell syrup which cracked when he tried to cut his cake. It didn't cut well I can tell you that, it was like thin layers of a Hershey bar with white lettering on it. Here take a look!

Hardshell cake!

But most of it was eaten

And it wasn't over yet. It was me turn to get an experience I won't long forget. The Captain has a treasure hunt each birthday. Each person is given a map and you have to follow the drunken directions which will take you to a bottle of Reserved RUM from Bacardi. OK count me in! So off I go as the sky turns very cloudy and I find myself in a sheep pasture trying not to step in sheep dip, which wasn't easy because there was a lot of sheep and a lot of sheep shite. I was looking for an old stone wall that was attached to a new stone wall. I climbed up and up and the wind started to get fierce. I was being flown about like a rag doll when I crested the hill, and talking to meself (of which you have the recording) I come upon an old stone wall and yes, I see a new stone wall and as I get to the top and see the bottle sticking out of a hole in the wall, the heavens opened and pelted me with hail (of which you listened to the result) but I got the freaking bottle as the hail pelted me bare head with golf ball size ice balls. I tell ya I was a bloody mess by the time I got back down that pasture BUT I had the rum! And that me dear R. Linda is more important to an Irishman than sudden death by a hail storm.

Gabe
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7 comments:

mobit22 said...

ROFLMAO i just KNEW you could save the booze! You might be a bloody mess but the rum would take away the sting.LOL as for dragon, what was her excuse for showing up this time? Cursing? He'll forget about it. My first girl started at a year old.

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

I did not ask. She has a habit of just showing up.

Fionnula said...

omg look at that cake it is awful. must of tasted awful too. and you getting pelted with hail, made me laugh sorry about that but sounds funny because i can picture you getting socked good. best thing is you got the treasure lmao

Anonymous said...

Gerry did what? I wish I was there for that. I am of the mind Marie caught the joke. That cake looks absolutely bloody disgusting. As to your mam and the snake, I am not atoll surprised you had nightmares! Luck of the Irish to find a bottle and be pelted by Mother Nature so you can't enjoy it. LMAO

mobit22 said...

I hpe I don't hear anyone badmouthing snakes! I happen to like snakes. As for the cake? If it has dark chocolate on it, and it tastes like cake? YUM

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

Actually it tasted yucky. No one be bad mouthing snakes, no one likes them is all. Yup.

Dew said...

Pirates and red undies don't seem to mix somehow. Unless of course they have a skull and crossbones on them? Lol.