02 April, 2016

A Bizarre story, not a tale, but a lot of nonsense

804

02 April 2016

R. Linda:

So I am in a dark room with a long table. Weasil be sitting at the table munching and I ask him what he's eating and he says, "Your kiddo." I stare at him in open mouthed terror realising me oldest kiddo was in the room. "I was peckish," Weasil says smacking his lips. "WHAT?" I roared at him. "Only having a jape on yer arse, April fools!" says he, and as me eyes adjust to the dark I see me oldest kiddo at the end of the table licking a vanilla ice cream cone.

As I be starting to relax the Dragon lady appears with an opened newspaper, her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose and as she reads to me, a spotlight bathes her, "Fire up the girl and get a jump on summer?" I realise she has misread grill for girl. I am beside meself again.

I sit down at the table as Dragon sits next to the Weasil and continues browsing. "Fighting season opens on the big lake. HUH?"

"Fishing," I correct her.

I be across from them both. I feel like something terrible is going to happen when yup it does, in the vast darkness I can see what looks like a huge yellow nimbus floating towards us. I gasp in horror as I realise what the nimbus is, it be hair! And it be attached to Dewdropper's head that she carries in her hand. The head be detached from the body but the head is animated and smiling at me. I sit back so the vast halo of hair doesn't touch me from across the table.

"I want you to cut it all off Gabe," Dew says and hands me a pair of scissors.

"You . . . you . . . you want me to do the deed?" I ask and the head shakes in affirmative all on its own, which sets me to hyperventilating. I somehow find a paper bag thrust at me and I be breathing into it and when finally in control of me facilities I ask tentatively, "I see you have already been cutting." I try to smile, and she bats her eyelashes in a coy way and purrs, "Oh, you noticed that." Well, un huh I did, gees Louise it isn't everyday you see a headless body walking about holding its head in the dark! I thrust me head in me arms on the table to blot them all out.

While I be in this position I hear a hum, like machinery coming fast and realise there be a motor headed straight for us out of the dark. I lift me head to see beyond Dew's halo of hair two headlights coming fast and I stand up and yell for everyone to run, but no one does, it is as if they don't hear the car. That machine jams on its brakes feet away from the table coming to a screeching halt sideways. The lights go out, a car door slams, I be feeling an ominous presence coming but can see nothing. Then I hear a voice, a familiar one with an Irish accent say, "So here's where the parrrty is. Got sushi, we need feed it ta Weasil's worm infested bran."

I faint dead away at the thought of worms in the brain, even if it be Weasil's which as I faded out of consciousness wondered how it was he had a brain, I thought he was brainless.

It was (I felt) sometime later I revived to find meself tied to the table bench to keep from falling off of it. Across from me leaning on a wide swath of Dew's hair to keep it down and out of his face, was Wolfie. He had a Chivas Regal and was sipping it watching me come to. Ah ha, he was the driver of the fast car now why didn't I think of that before. "YOU!" I said in an accusatory tone.

"Yeah ME, what of it Gab ree ill?" He sneered at me.

I was taken aback, what had I done? I started shaking free of the confines that held me to the bench.

"Oooh duncha Gab ree ill me soony buy." Oh me gosh it was me Mam coming to the table with a large pot of Irish stew she started slapping into bowls I hadn't noticed before. They were wooden with green shamrocks on them. "Here ye gue me buy," she says to me, "eat oop an hardie now." I find a wooden spoon in me hand and start slopping the stew in me piehole, and it was wonderful stuff.

"Parsonally," I say with me mouthfull, me accent coming out, "I feel like it be me birtday, or da fort of July!" And I laugh like this be normal which it be the furthest from normal.

"I'd never disapint ya Gabriel." Mam smilingly said patting me head like a good dog. Then she turned to Wolfie and said, "Ye dunt git any of dis here stew cause yer not from R-lynnd, yer a Scotsman!"

This started an uproar from the Weasil protesting that Scotsmen were good people if not a wee bit stingy, but still. Me Mam told him to set his arse down she wasn't talking about him, he wasn't an occupier of Ireland. Well, he would have none of it, he flung stew her way, and well all hell broke loose because they were all shouting and throwing spoonfuls of stew at each other, all except Dragon who was looking over her glasses at all of them like she was thinking what side to choose. I slid on the long bench down the opposite end of the table to be out of harms way. Poor Dewdropper was screaming about the messy stew that was in her hair and well, I just put me head in me arms trying to blot the whole ridiculous scene out. But that didn't happen because a voice from across the table was telling me it was snowing again in Denver. I looked up to see you, me muse, sitting there as if the argy wasn't going on at the other end of the table. You looked all weary because of the weather and had a box of tissues you were using to blow your nose.

"Pneumonia, you know," you said to me as I looked questioningly at you.

"What again?" I asked as a huge chunk of stew meat hit me square on the nose.

"Here, you need these more than me," you said sliding the tissue box across the table. I took one and mopped me nose, but what a mess, the gravy that coated the meat was thick and drippy. "How'd you get in here?" I asked. "Can you get me out of here?"

"Nope no can do, this is YOUR dream you figure it out."

"Its a dream? You mean none of this nonsense is real? Then . . . " I thought a moment and I realised I was not there at all but in me comfy bed. BUT I couldn't move me body, it was like if I didn't I'd die. Did you ever have that happen? You will yourself to move but nothing happens and you are in a panic someone will find you have died in your sleep? Well, that's what was going on. I knew I had to get out that dream before I was covered in stew and somehow I did, but then I couldn't move! Me brain was awake, but me body was not! No matter how hard me brain willed me body to get up, it wasn't happening until the bloody alarm went off and wow did me body react. I was up in a flash looking around wondering what was buzzing and then I saw the flashing digital clock and with pounding heart turned it off. I sat there in a daze, me heart racing, the memory of the dream was fresh and I had forgot the paralyses entirely. How does that work? I will tell you in all honesty I did NOT have spicy food that night. I had Irish stew, so go figure.

Gabe
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12 comments:

Fionnula said...

your nightmare could have been worse, you could have had salad tossed in your direction ha ha

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

A tossed salad why didn't that enter me dream?

mobit22 said...

ROFLMAO at least I didn't get splattered with stew! I wasn't sitting in a highchair either.LOL lamb in the stew? No thanjs. Mot a fan. I LOVE the stories so keep em coming!

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

Yes always lamb except in the steak and onion pie.

mobit22 said...

I love steak and I love onions but it has to be my way

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

It has to be me Mam's way for me LOL

Anonymous said...

Scotsman??? I'm as Irish as you are. How is it I am the bad guy? Is it the good hair? Is that what is causing this sudden turn? Vanity?

Dew said...

LOL. I actually am due for a trim ;-)

Weaz said...

LMAO

Tomas said...

OK LOL this is what it is like to be you! I will say you do have some dreams, very different but WOW! LMAO

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

You're just jealous LOL

mobit22 said...

I don't know about goid hair. I do know steak.LOL any dream is a good dream as long as it ends with a story! As for hair, I've stopped shabing my head and I've stayed with the purple!