24 December, 2015

The Best Thanksgiving Turkey You'll Ever Eat -- Right!

29 November 2015
793

R. Linda:

As you can surmise, me mother-in-law came up early for Thanksgiving dinner, WHICH I might add, she was not invited to. We thought (wrongly so) that she'd be with her family in Jersey. But no, she came up with Big Tony a week ago announcing they were driving up to see the "pretty foliage" I had raved about. Forget the fact that was last month (October) I said that, they descended upon me abode finding there was no foliage (it had all fallen down) and well, it was so close to Thanksgiving, why not invite herself and Big? What were we to do? Say no go back to New Jersey? Well, we couldn't do that now, could we? I could have, but the wife couldn't very well send her parents packing.

This self-invitation (which you know I hate), was made smoother by saying they were providing the turkey and would be happy to go in on the "fixings" (as they referred to the side dishes) and make dessert. Well, Mam was okay with that as she told me she was tired of cooking anyway and needed a day off.

Now Mam does not do all the cooking as she loudly tells anyone who will listen she does, but we say nothing about that fact, just nod and thank her very much for all her help. Uh-huh. But she had one request of me and that was to make sure she sat as far away from the Dragon Lady as humanly possible. Place settings are not unheard of in the UK as they seem to be here, so she went about telling all she would set the table like back in the UK and hoped we'd like the decor. Yeah, right Mam, that was well put, the wool being pulled over everyone's eyes but mine, since I knew what she was up to. I left her to it and come to find she be sitting next to me at the head of the table, with O'Hare on me other side and way down at the foot is Tonya with her mom on one side and her da on the opposite. In-between were the kiddos and one other invited guest (also not my idea) that Tonya invited, Lois, smack in the middle of the kiddos.

Prior to this, the Dragon had gone down to the local farm stand where there was a large sign that said, "Pre-order your holiday turkey now." She did, she put the $20.00 down and ordered an 18 lb. bird. She was thinking an 18 lb. bird would run her maybe $30.00 at the most. She announced to us that the bird was ordered and she'd pick it up the day before turkey day. She also went into great detail that this was an organic bird, a young bird, and would be a freshly killed bird by Wednesday, and oh it will taste like the best turkey we ever had.

Meanwhile, Mam was off to the supermarket. And as she was perusing the shelves this man in a golf hat stopped next to her, bends in her direction and croons, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire," and at first she be startled, then amused but says nothing and carries on. Next aisle he spies his prey as she described herself later, and zooms on up next to her and croons, "Jackfrost nipping at your nose," and now she's disturbed by this and shuffles quickly away to his, "Yuletide carols being sung by a choir."

Around the next aisle and there he is coming at her with "And folks dressed up like Eskimos," and well she turns back around and as she's slogging her way two aisles over she hears the squeak of cart wheels coming up fast behind her and the crooning of, "Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe," at which she stops and turns and says to him, "Da only turkey I know be YOU! And dere ain't no mistletoe in dis aisle. Stop it befur I truss and bast yer arse for dinner!" And off she goes to him standing there with loads of people around him, red in the face his overture had turned a sour note. I tell ya, the woman has these troubles she does.

It took all she had not to make one more stop, but that was at the craft store, plenty of women in there, so no fear of the dirty old supermarket guys. In she goes, she's looking for a holiday candle for the table centrepiece. She decided scented spice would be the thing and to the candle section, so off she takes. There already be another shopper, a friendly woman who says to her, "Most of these are battery operated. I want a real wax candle," to which Mam looks and points out behind the woman are the wax candles. They chat as they look at the scents and Mam says she needs three brownish candles for the holiday centrepiece and the woman stops her and says, "You need two brownish ones and a white one."

"Nooo, I need three brownish ones."

"No, you need the Christ candle and that has to be white." The woman is adamant.

Now Mam be getting agitated. First the annoyance (as she called him) at the market, and here a bigger annoyance in the Christian woman who insists she knows best for me Mam.

Mam slowly removed first one brownish spice-scented pillar candle and then another. Since there was not a third, she saw a gold spice-scented pillar and decided close enough. She slowly pulled that one out and put it with the others in her basket. The woman looked disapprovingly at the gold candle.

"I know it be not white. It be gold, even better get over it." And off she went leaving the gapping woman staring after her.

She can't cut a break. She's determined never to go shopping again. I can't say I blame her.

Comes the day before the big day. Dragon drives on down to the farm stand and gets in line to pay the balance on her bird and finds she owes them $60.00 more dollars. I wish I had been there to see the stunned look on her face as she stuttered, "I paid $20.00 already, that would be $80.00 for a turkey."

"Not any turkey, this is fresh turkey, was just walking around yesterday, and it will be the best turkey you've ever eaten." Said the woman at the counter.

Well, the Dragon looked around her at the people in line behind her, no one stepped out to scoot away now that prices were being spoken out loud, no not one blinked an eye. So she got out her purse and paid the $60.00 she owed and got her bird and came home in a financial daze.

We all tried not to laugh or criticise, hard as that was. Me wife already knew that farm stand was pricey and she did try to tell her mother before she even went there that they were, but the Dragon didn't want to hear it, therefore, she paid the price for fresh New Hampshire turkey. Yup, she did.

May I say when all was eaten and cleaned up, that the price of that bird was not worth it? It had fat under a very tough skin, it didn't taste like a butterball and why should it? There was no injections of buttery richness under the skin. And it took forever to cook. After several glasses of wine, no one cared how long it took, but it just wasn't what the Dragon had buttered us up to think it would be while trying to make light of a big waste of her money.

But need I forget, let me get back to Lois. Oh my God, Lois! Lois is a good-hearted soul, even if she doesn't like wearing clothes under her ratty old raincoat, but she has a good sense of the jollies and she had us laughing. Everyone but the prim and proper Dragon that is. We had sat down to dinner, said a blessing, toasted our very first Thanksgiving in our new abode and before the hostess could pick up her fork to signal the rest of us to begin, Lois had already dug in and was pretty much on seconds. Maybe that wouldn't have been too bad but unfortunately, the sideboard where the turkey platter was resting was behind the Dragon, and Lois showing no shame as we began, had Dragon turning in her seat to pass the platter of turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, etc. back over to her. And once the seconds were on Lois's plate she would hand the dishes back. I particularly enjoyed her having Dragon hold the turkey platter aloft as she selected more meat. The Dragon's sighs were audible but lost on Lois. This, as you can well imagine had us sitting with a very grumpy Dragon and we were all on tenterhooks (all except me Mam who had a twinkle in her eye to see how long it would take for the Dragon to blow up at Lois).

It didn't take long, but Lois was oblivious. She made jokes about all the mutterings issuing forth off the Dragon's tongue. She talked about herself dominating the dinner conversation completely. Every time the Dragon tried to change the subject from barn animals (Lois's fav topic) to something more cosmopolitan, Lois would find a way to compare whatever was said with a barnyard situation which was graphically expounded upon by Lois in full animated mode. Yup, it was. And that sort of thing, of course, had the kiddos spellbound and asking all kinds of inappropriate questions. Yes indeed!

The best Guido comment was when Lois had finished telling us how a "coffin bone came right down into the hoof" of a horse she was taking care of, and Guido (not losing a beat) pipes up, "Miss Lois my grandma iz gonna have her bones replaced in the hospice."

He was referring to Dragon's upcoming knee replacement, in hospital. He has no clue what a hospice is but the Dragon knew exactly who he was referring to and looked rather pale and shocked at the word he incorrectly used. The superstitious Dragon then began referring (at first jokingly) that this might be her last Thanksgiving. Well, I don't have to tell you how that flew, me Mam after behaving herself most of the dinner took off with that making joke after Irish joke.

"Wot be dat sayin' Gabriel? May ye be in heaven an hour befur da deevil tinks yer dead." And she'd laugh and this I could see as she found more of these pearls, annoyed the Dragon no end. But alas, she was saved when the Dragon tried to change the subject and gain sympathy.

"My diabetes is making my legs ache." The Dragon announced.

Alert as always to other people's ailments, Guido once again piped up with his two-pence.

"If yer weren't obeast yer wouldn't have dat trouble." The young man observed very seriously.

"Obese," Mam mumbled to me, "the good laddie means obese."

There was total silence in the room as I shushed me Mam. I was thinking Guido killed one word with two because obese and beast did apply as far as I was concerned.

Well, the damage was done, the Dragon hasn't spoken to the young "good laddie" for a few days. She chaffed at that comment and may never recover.

The last laugh though may be upon me head, or more appropriately me leg. Just after the Dragon and Big Tony went home and me back to work, I pulled into me abode (with the time change it is dark outside now) and without thinking turned to get me briefcase and as I stepped back to close the car door found I walked into a dirt bike left outside by the entrance. I lost me balance and over backwards I went and I really did a number. I moved the titanium rod in me leg from the fall. The end looked like a golf ball pushing me skin up. The commotion I made brought the whole family out and I was transported to hospital where not only did I have to have me leg reset with new rods, but I tore me knee up with it and had to have a total replacement surgery. I tell ya I be quite a bit certain the Dragon (when she heard) was laughing even though she did threaten to come up and take care of me. Oi!

This is why I am so back on stories, but as I heal (12 weeks of torture in PT) I should have some stories for ya.

Gabe
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3 comments:

mobit22 said...

ROFLMAO sorry!but that doesn't sound like Thanksgiving dinner. Sounds more like dinner at the entrance to HELL.LOL it DID sound like some laughs were had and one pissed off Dragon. I know you're in some pain, but I hope you heal super fast. I saw what you sent, and gross doesn't really cover it.

Fionnula said...

i feel so bad for you. that fall must have been terrible. i wish you as happy a holiday season as you can have with all that surgery. recover soon!

Fionnula said...

oh forgot to tell you your mom had me laughing at the crooner in the market aisle. that was priceless.