02 May, 2015

Got a Stair Lift Chair? I do! There are times . . .

02 May 2015

R. Linda:

The bad news is that Big Tony be extending his stay in Japan. That means the Dragon lady be extending her stay at me abode! Seems Big has pitched an idea to a Japanese investor and there is interest therefore, Big isn't coming home anytime soon. The Dragon took that news a little too calmly for me taste. She just shrugged and wished him luck and that was that.

I stood there looking at the hung up phone that she had put down and then told me her good news. I could not move. I was frozen in horror as she walked off. All I could do was look at that phone and try to will it to ring back that Big had changed his mind and was coming home to NEW JERSEY!

No matter how hard I tried, no ring came until I started to turn for the kitchen to relieve my stress with chocie chip cookies. I near had to scrap meself off the ceiling for scaring meself that I actually had the psychic power to make that phone ring with Big being the caller. I ran for it, I did.

"Ello?" I said near breathless with excitement.

"Gabe, it's me, I'm running late so ask your mom or mine to start dinner. I will be there as soon as I can." Click.

It was Tonya, who didn't wait for me to tell her the news that Mommy Dearest AKA Dragon, would be staying another month at least!

Dejected I stood there once again looking at the phone. I got it to ring, but it was the wrong person. I'd try it again, I mean I got it to ring right? Next had to be the right person calling. I closed me eyes and with all me brain power willed Big to ring me up with better news, that deal was done sooner than later and he's on his way home to NEW JERSEY!

Suddenly I heard ringing. Me eyes flew open and I picked up the phone and got dial tone. I looked at the receiver and wondered what the heck. And the ringing was still going on before I heard pounding on me front door. It was the doorbell, stupid me!

Feeling a psychic failure I answered it to find another bit of bad news, the Weasil was on me doorstep! Could this day get any worse? The young whippersnapper had found me and he complained it wasn't an easy task. He had luggage with him, two suitcases. That could only mean extended stay. Ugh!

I didn't get to say anything sarcastic or demeaning to him as the Dragon must have smelled fresh young meat because there she was hugging his skinny arse and lifting him off the carpet in her deadly embrace. The Weasil's face was like a red balloon as she slowly (in her anaconda way) started squeezing the living life out of him.

Somehow he managed to shimmy his way downwards and out of those two massive arms and threw me between himself and the salivating mother-in-law. There were a few merry quips exchanged between the two, and then it was he and I running for the kitchen to get away.

"I needies me a drinkie. I was all for a cuppa but after THAT I needies something stronger." Said he.

After one whiskey for me and five for him, I had the nerve to ask him to what I owed the honour of his visit. More importantly how did he find me. I made sure I covered me tracks so he couldn't, but there he was.

"Housie warming prezzie." He said, and unzipped the carryon he had grabbed as we ran for it.

It was a lovely bottle of Midleton Whiskey, aged and precious. I was gobsmacked, but then Weasil can afford such gifts. I thanked him and told him I'd bring it out for special occasions. To which he informed me any visit by him was a special occasion. I ended up breaking the seal and we both partook of the smooth taste of the rare blend. Heaven I tell ya!

It was as the mellow feeling of whiskey bliss took me over that the young scamp informed me his visit was for two weeks. He wanted to see the new surroundings and acclimate himself with what was to do in the middle of Nowhere, New Hampshire. I was in a pleasant haze when he told me this and I just nodded and took another sip.

It wasn't until 3 a.m. I woke up from me sleep to realise how long his stay was going to be and it coincided with the Dragon's and well . . . I couldn't get back to sleep after that epiphany.

I won't get into the scrappy and oh so crazy conversations that occurred to me and around me by the two "houseguests" but suffice it to say it was hell on earth trying to extract meself from their company. Usually where you found one, the other was sure to follow.

While being critized and belittled by one, and watching the other drink from the coffee pot, lick his plate and be as obnoxious as he knew how, I was thinking of building a shed out back in the woods just to keep me sanity. I know living out there with no amenities like in me lovely abode would be difficult, but I'd rather chance the bug bites, the snakes, and spiders than those two combatants.

I had been back in me office figuring out dimensions and how much wood I would need and got that down, so this idea of mine was ready to become a reality. Just as I was about to go buy lumber for me woodland hide away, and sneak down the back stairs before either of them could find me, I heard a strange male voice telling someone to get on and take THE ride up the stairs.

Ride up the stairs? Whaaat? I stealthily made me way down the hallway to see a man standing to the side with Weasil behind him (never a good thing) and I could just see Dragon's knees go floating up the stairs. What the heck? Now me curiosity was peaked so I went all the way down to find that the stranger had installed a Stair Lift for Dragon. Do you know how awful that looks? Certainly took the old world charm of a colonial staircase away fast.

Here take a look:

How lovely is this?
So now me new abode has an old lady's chair that goes up and down the stairs almost silently except for a slight hum. Me abode looks like a rest home now. Yesss.

Can you just picture Dragon with her pointed hat and shoes, holding her broom as she floats up and down the stairs? It is very spooky at night because my bedroom is right at the top of those stairs and I can hear that slight hum and I can just picture her.

Now this has been installed without me permission, but I was told when she leaves it goes with her (bad knees you know). Somehow I don't think it will. Anyway, for the past week every night that damn thing is in use when everyone should be asleep. It was starting to get to me that hum. I be a light sleeper, and so I was tossing and turning as a result. One night the damn thing was being used constantly and I thought I heard diabolical laughter. Finally, at 4 a.m. I dragged meself out of bed and into the hallway to confront her, but the chair was at the bottom of the stairs. Ah ha! She had to be raiding the kitchen, but really, it seemed like that chair would get to the top of the stairs and then go back down. Hum, was it malfunctioning? Going by itself up and down? Well R. Linda, I waited for 15 minutes and no one came to the bottom of the stairs and the Stair Lift stayed put. I gave up and went back to me bed. I must have been asleep no more than three minutes I heard the hum of that stupid thing coming back to the top of the landing. I wanted to fly out of bed and confront her, but I was too lazy. I meant to say something to her the next morning, but I guess raiding the kitchen wore her out because she was sleeping in by the time I left for work.

I did notice at dinner that night that both Weasil and Dragon had dark rings around their eyes, and both were napping frequently or nodding off. I wondered what they were doing that they were so knackered, and then thought - no way would they be together doing anything because . . . because why? Well, I thought, maybe Weasil was here to be fawned over by that rabid Dragon. Sometimes he likes that, but oft he doesn't. Who knows? Who cares? Not me.

Well, I had two more nights of humming Stair Lift and on the third I decided to wait for her. I heard the Stair Lift go zipping down the stairs, and then slowly it came back up before it went zipping back down. Then there was nothing for 10 minutes (yes, I timed it) before it came zipping back up. I crept to the keyhole and watched an empty chair go slowly down the rails to the bottom of the stairs. Did Weasil bring a ghost with him from that haunted castle he recently scared himself in? But as I pondered, the hum of the chair started again, and there was the thing coming into me sightline through the keyhole. The chair seat was laden with donuts, coffee, little tea cakes and sugar and creamer. Hands took the tray that lay across the seat and off the contents went but not before the chair magically floated empty back down the stairs. I was perplexed. Suddenly it started humming as it came back up with the Weasil sitting on  it. Hum. I opened the door a crack and watched him trot down the hallway to the kid's playroom where a light was flooding over the hall floor. The door closed and that was it. Weasil and Dragon were using the damn thing as a dumb waiter. One would ride it down and raid the fridge, the other would remote control it to come up with the food and then remote control it back down the stairs to pick up the culprit who did the actual raiding of refrigerator.

By riding it they weren't making the stairs creek, the hum was less noisy. Diabolical I tell ya, the two of them. I did wonder why we seemed short on goodies. Now I knew. But this wasn't the only use for that Stair Lift, it has three settings, very slow (as Weasil tells me so one can enjoy the scenery), slow (a little faster than very slow) and zip line fast (if there is an emergency and you need to get up or down in a hurry). However, I found out that there are two additional speeds, warp speed and extreme velocity. These last two are a Weasil invention he somehow wired the chair up for. Seems he and the Dragon have late night races up the stairs to see who can go faster. I tell ya!

When I found out about this I was put in the chair and seat belted, yes he added a seat belt. Not only a seat belt but I was fitted with one of those spongy neck braces you get for whip lash. And it was needed, he started me up on warp speed and I was thinking I was going up the stairs like me hair was on fire. Than he put it on extreme velocity and I came whipping down those stairs holding on for dear life I didn't lose mine, screaming like a girl. The seat belt kept me from being thrown out the front door or through it, and the medical neck collar prevented the whip lash that would certainly have come with the quick stop. There ought to be a law against fiddling with things like Stair Lifts. Further there should be a law against letting the Weasil free to roam. He needs to be locked up somewhere with the key thrown away. As for Dragon, I won't even go there.

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  1. OH MY GOD! When you said stair master, I thought exercise. Dragon could use that. But dumb waiter? That will add pounds by sneaking goodies. As for whiskey, I still like the cinnamon kind. No class. LOL

  2. I got it uppy to maximum warp. Gotty a crashie helmet fer yer headie. Hee hee.

  3. Stair Master = Weas. No doubt about it, never a dull moment at the O'Sullivan 'abode'. LOL